AFI's 100 Greatest Alternate Versions

In this sequel to Citizen Kane, Charles Foster's bastard son, Christopher, continues to search for the story behind his father's famous last word but fails to discover it and in the end is institutionalized. The film is, of course, called Kit Is Insane.

As variant to his groundbreaking On the Waterfront, Elia Kazan's new production portrays life in and around the world of horse racing experienced by Edie Doyle's younger sister, a dwarfling. Elia calls his film Wanda, Odd Turf Runt.

With production of Wanda well under way, cinebuffs learned that a Mexican film company is developing an animated sequel to Kazan's classic which will relate the adventures of a young Chicano who escapes LA gang life to become A&R man for a group of performing sea mammals living and working in the waters off the Baja Peninsula. Planned for a Christmas holiday release, the film is called Juan the Otter Front.

In so-called Wuthering Heights II, Heathcliff and Cathy depart the Yorkshire moors for a West Indies sugar plantation where they spend their lives harassing a native population in bondage. The working title of this sequel is Hovering Whites.

In re-envisioning The Maltese Falcon as a biopic, documentary film makers feature journalist Muggeridge playing himself and claiming full responsibility for Original Sin. The film is called The Fault? 'Tis Malcolm's.

This made-for-TV feature takes a U-turn from its model, The Grapes of Wrath. In the revision, Grampa Joad, after dying of the drug overdose administered by his family, returns to confront Tom, Rose of Sharon and the others, ultimately convincing the lot to eighty-six their trip to California and to emigrate instead to Bar Harbor, Maine. Rated R for language, the film is called The Wraith of Gramps.

Achoo! A Constrained Abecedarial Nonsense Mantra in Rhyme

"A-…A-…A-…A-...A-...CHOO!" 
(Big sneeze starts it? It’s true!)* 
Charleston’s caribou** chew*** 
on Don's didgeridoo.****

     * Hungarian superstition has it that a sneeze accompanying
a storyteller's tale confirms it's truth, no matter how outlandish
said tale may sound -- or so insists Zoltan Kodaly in explaining
the "sneeze simulation" measures kicking off his folk opera
"Hary Janos." 
     * The plural is formed with or without an 's.' 
     ** Perhaps a Charleston Chew?
     *** Duck? Trump? Ameche? Diego de la Vega? In any case,
somebody saddled an unidentified Donald with a taste for offbeat
musical instruments. 

Esrom. Fetid! Foul! Whew!* 
(Is that false? Nope, that’s true.)
But, gosh: give it it's due! 
Halt your hullabaloo!)

      * A cow’s milk cheese with a pungent aroma. 

Smell I Istrian Stew? 
Made with Japanese yew?
Says who? Kanga! (Roo, too,* 
which leaves loads left to do.)

Drop I Methylene Blue 
doos? Nope! Not in our loo! 
Off'ring "Ol' lamps for new..." -- 
plaited palm or bamboo.* 

     * The "ol' switcheroo" performed upon the cry, "New lamps
for old..." heard in Scheherazade's "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves."
Precisely who makes the offer here remains unclear; nor are
lamps fashioned from reeds or raffia deemed safe. 

"Make it quick! Put me through! 
Really, ree-e-e-ea-ly big shew! 
Special: 'Skip to my Lou' 
follows tirami su..."* 

     * TV Impresario Ed Sullivan appears to be alerting his audience
of his intention to provide them one or more exotic desserts and
a round of folk dancing as a suite of special addenda to one of his
weekly variety hours. 

What is that on your shoe? 
Ugh! 'Tain't Vitamin Q. 
Oy! The Wandering Jew 
wonders, "'X' stands for...who? "

     * The Wandering Jew, interestingly (in light of the first line)
a shoemaker in some versions of his legend, well knows that 'X'
sands for the Christ -- the very cove he's been looking for. Vitamin Q
is, of course, a dietary supplement promoting a search for answers. 

What’s, then, your new world view? 
Way more A.C.L.U.? 
Climate change? Déjà vu? 
Twitter? ZOMBIES…? (Adieu!) 

The 100 Jewish Celebrity Countdown

99: Moe Amar Qaddafi the Jewish-Libyan Dictator
98: Moe Abbyte the Jewish Semitic Linguist
97: Moe B. Usstripp the Jewish Geometrician
96: Moe Beale the Jewish Kinetic Sculptor
95: Moe Bárik the Jewish-Egyptian Politician 
94: Moe B. Dicque the Jewish Harpoonist
93: Moe Beale al-Abama the Arab-Israeli Segregationist
92: Moe “King” Byrd the Jewish Ornithologist
91: Moe Cajava-Latte the Jewish Designer Coffee Roaster
90: Moe “Ike” Cannagh-Dwishue the Jewish “Goys and Dolls” Revival Actor 
89: Moe Dess the Jewish Feminine Hygiene Products Salesman
88: Moe Derne the Jewish Futurist
87: Moe DeRotto the Jewish Orchestra Conductor
86: Moe Degli Anni the Jewish Modernist Sculptor
85: Moe D’Merrier the Jewish Party Planner
84: Moe DeWaters the Jewish Bluesman
83: Moe Dredd the Jewish Arthurian Scholar
82: Moe DeGrasse the Jewish Groundskeeper
81: Moe De Sapperandi the Jewish Crime Scene Investigator
80: Moe E. Bwayno the Jewish Mariachi Vihuelist 
79: Manny Moe Enjacques the Jewish Auto Parts Dealer
78: Moe Foyer-Munny the Jewish Wholesaler
77: Moe “Bull” Fone the Jewish Communications Specialist
76: Moe Gunn-D’Aphid the Sluggish Jewish Sommelier
75: Moe Gambo the Jewish Period Film Buff
74: Moe Gadishu the Jewish Terrorist
73: Moe Gull the Jewish Autocrat
72: Moe “Bull” Holmes the Jewish RV Magnate
71: Moe Hammad the Jewish Ayatolla
70: Moe Haire the Jewish Haberdasher
69: Moe Hawke the Jewish Iroquois (cousin of Mo Heekin, last Jewish-Native American)
68: Moe Hel the Jewish Circumcisionist 
67: Moe Heekan the last Jewish-Native American (cousin of Moe Hawke)
66: D’Moe, I.C.U. the University-Educated Jewish Pop Lyricist
65: Moe Jo the Jewish Witch Doctor
64: Moe Jave the Latino-Jewish 20-Mule-Team Driver
63: Moe Nkeesee-Monkeedoo the Jewish Mime
62: Keb Moe the Jewish Blues Singer
61: Moe “Lester” Kidd the Jewish Pedophile
60: Moe Lah the Jewish Lottery Winner
59: Moe Lahr the Jewish Orthodontist
58: Moe Larrian-Kurleigh the Jewish Stooge
57: Moe Lassis the Jewish Sorghum Planter
56: Moe LeCule the Jewish Particle Physicist
55: Moe Liere the Jewish Dramatist
54: Moe Lokai the Jewish Leper
53: Moe Lotov the Jewish Anarchist
52: Moe Luccas the Jewish Indonesian
51: Moe Lybdenum the Jewish Chemist
50: Moe Mism the Jewish Psychoanalyst 
49: Moe M'rath the Jewish Nonsense Poet
48: Moe Ment O’Truth the Irish-Jewish Bullfighter
47: MoeMo the Jewish Modern Art Curator
46: Moe Nark the Jewish Butterfly Collector
45: Moe Nopoly the Jewish Industrialist
44: Moe Ney the Jewish Impressionist Painter
43: Moe Naural the Jewish Vintage Vinyl Record Collector
42: Moe Nastique the Jewish Hermit
41: Moe Narky the Jewish Royalist
40: Moe Nacco the Jewish Croupier 
39: Moe Nadd the Jewish Biologist
38: Moe Naleessa the Jewish Crossdresser
37: Moe “Nick” Van Vooren the Jewish Drag Queen
36: Moe “Nick” O’ LaWinsky the Jewish Irish Crossdressing Congressional Aide
35: Moe O’Less the Irish-Israeli Estimator
34: Moe P. Moode the Jewish Depressive
33: Moe Pedd the Jewish Recreational Cyclist
32: Moe Q. Mentary the Jewish Satirist/Filmmaker
31: Moe Riarty the Jewish Napoleon Of Crime
30: Moe Rittat the Jewish Funeral Arranger
29: Moe Rass the Jewish Crisis Management Executive
28: Moe Ratorium the Jewish Economist
27: Moe Ray-Yeel the Jewish Oceanographer
26: Moe Ronique the Jewish Phrenologist
25: Moe Rainey the Jewish Transvestite Blues Singer
24: Moe Rengay the Jewish Latin Dance Instructor
23: Moe Ritania the Jewish Ship Captain
22: Moe Skode the Jewish Cryptographer
21: Moe Sharingum-Dhurumda the Jewish-Irish Folksinger
20: Moe Shunne-DeNyde the Jewish Trial Judge
19: Moe Skattel the Jewish Bowery Liquor Store Manager
18: Kee Moe Saahbi the Chinese Jewish Masked Rider Of The Plains
17: Moe Scale the Jewish Mineralogist
16: Moe "Stappy" Phella the Jewish Musical Lyricist
15: Moe Towne the Jewish R&B Backup Singer
14: Moe Tellzicks the Jewish Innkeeper
13: Zero Moe Tell the Jewish Theatrical Producer/Innkeeper
12: Moe Tenswing the Jewish Band Leader
11: Moe Themerrier the Jewish Polygamist
10: Juan Moe Thyme the Jewish Latin Jazz Band Leader
9: Moe Therroff-Allwarz the Jewish Middle East Conflict Historian
8: Moe (“Hughie D’Moe”) Ute-Toote the Jewish Legume Farmer
7: Moe V. Reevue the Jewish Film Critic
6: Moe (“Ving”) Targette the Jewish Sharpshooter
5: Farley-Moe Watt the Jewish Environmentalist
4: Moe Xie the Chinese-Jewish Enthusiast
3: Moe Moe Ya the Dyslexic Jewish Cellist
2: Moe Zeeh the Wandering Jewish Cowhand
1: Moe Zambique the Jewish Beachcomber
0: Moe Zarella the Jewish Cheese Merchant


"Okay…so it’s a hundred Jewish celebrities. So sue me!"