PlaysWellWithLetters is a blogorrheal notebook of Nonsense in rhyming metres accompanying often-inconsequential sequencial graphics all issuing from the hands and/or minds of Sgt. N. ("Jim") Smithe-Magee, amateur author/illustrator whose several books are available online from Politics & Prose Bookstore under the nom de charade Ulysses Poe.
Thursday, September 2, 2021
New Magic 8-Ball Partial DIY Q&A (Past)
Q:__________________...?
A: Ask again anon, Aristotle:
answers, as always, are
all askew and awry.
Q:______________________...?
A: Before blatantly beginning
bothersome badgering, Boethius,
better briefly bow.
Q: ______________________...?
A: Candidly, conditions continue
cloudy, Copernicus. Can’t currently
comment.
Q:
________________________...?
A: Dubiosity’s definitely done, dis-
pelled! (Does Dr. Descartes doubt…?
Dammit, Doc! Don't! Dig...?!)
Q: _______________________...?
A: Enfin, Einstein, E equals ‘erratic.’
enigmatically.
Q:
___________________________...?
A: ‘Fraid frequency’s failing, Fridugisus.
Follow-up forthwith -- Friday fortnight,
f‘rinstance.
Q:
___________________________...?
A: Generally, Galileo, generating gross
grilling gets guys' gonads gainsaid.
Q:
_______________________...?
A: Holy ho-hum, Herr Heidegger!
heckling hardly helps, huh…?)
Q:
__________________...?
A: Input’s inferior, Isidore. Its
interpretation is, I imagine,
incomplete.
Q:
__________________...?
A: Jabberwocky’s just jargon,
Jung…jamais!
Q:
_______________...?
A: Kindly, Kierkegaard,
kill kinky koans.
Q:
_____________...?
A: Ludicrous, Leibniz!
Let’s (like) liaise later,
Q:
___________________...?
A: Merlin...? Maybe Monday.
Meantime, Mr. Moue, mark
my mouth: “Moo-oo-oot!”
Q: _________________________...?
A: Nope, not now, Nostradamus.
Nearer noon…? Nyet! Next November…?
Q:
____________________...?
A: Oracles…? Obscure, Origen.
Omens…? Outre.
Q:
__________________...?
A: Please, Plato: pray put proper
Q:
___________________...?
A: Quiet, Quine! Quit querying!
Quash queer questions qua
quarrels.
Q:
_________________...?
A: Request roundly rejected,
Rousseau. (Right! Really!)
Q:
_________________...?
A: Sorry, Socrates. Should’a
said somethin’ sooner.
Q:
_______________...?
A: ‘Tis truly tough to tell,
Teilhard. Try this time
tomorrow.
Q:
_________________...?
A: Unanswerable, Unamuno…
unless…
Q:
_____________...?
A: View’s vague, Vico…
very! Vamos!
Q: ______________...?
A: Well would we wonder
why, Wittgenstein.
Q: ______________...?
A: Xenophon…? Xeno-…
Q: ____________________...?
A: Yesterday's yammering, Yockey,
yields you your yearned-for
Q: _______________...?
A: Zeno…? Zeno…?!
Zzzzzz…zzzz…zz…z...zz...z...
A: Ask again anon, Aristotle:
answers, as always, are
all askew and awry.
A: Before blatantly beginning
bothersome badgering, Boethius,
better briefly bow.
A: Candidly, conditions continue
cloudy, Copernicus. Can’t currently
comment.
A: Dubiosity’s definitely done, dis-
pelled! (Does Dr. Descartes doubt…?
Dammit, Doc! Don't! Dig...?!)
A: Enfin, Einstein, E equals ‘erratic.’
enigmatically.
A: ‘Fraid frequency’s failing, Fridugisus.
Follow-up forthwith -- Friday fortnight,
f‘rinstance.
A: Generally, Galileo, generating gross
grilling gets guys' gonads gainsaid.
A: Holy ho-hum, Herr Heidegger!
heckling hardly helps, huh…?)
A: Input’s inferior, Isidore. Its
interpretation is, I imagine,
incomplete.
A: Jabberwocky’s just jargon,
Jung…jamais!
A: Kindly, Kierkegaard,
kill kinky koans.
A: Ludicrous, Leibniz!
Let’s (like) liaise later,
A: Merlin...? Maybe Monday.
Meantime, Mr. Moue, mark
my mouth: “Moo-oo-oot!”
A: Nope, not now, Nostradamus.
Nearer noon…? Nyet! Next November…?
A: Oracles…? Obscure, Origen.
Omens…? Outre.
A: Please, Plato: pray put proper
A: Quiet, Quine! Quit querying!
Quash queer questions qua
quarrels.
A: Request roundly rejected,
Rousseau. (Right! Really!)
A: Sorry, Socrates. Should’a
said somethin’ sooner.
A: ‘Tis truly tough to tell,
Teilhard. Try this time
tomorrow.
A: Unanswerable, Unamuno…
unless…
A: View’s vague, Vico…
very! Vamos!
A: Well would we wonder
why, Wittgenstein.
Q: ______________...?
A: Xenophon…? Xeno-…
Q: ____________________...?
A: Yesterday's yammering, Yockey,
yields you your yearned-for
A: Zeno…? Zeno…?!
Zzzzzz…zzzz…zz…z...zz...z...
Literatchatskis (Past)
The "Jane L'Austin Space"
The BrontëSoeurs
The Flying Chaucer
The Alexander DuMasque
The Ralph Waldo EmerSunshades –
The William FaulkNerf
The Wolfgang von Girtha
The Ernest HemingWeights
The Henrik IbScent
The Jack Kerouaction Figure
The Harper Leevis
The MolieAirhorn
The Vladimir NaboKoffee Mug
The Eugene O'Kneeler
The Edgar Allen Poegostick
The A. T. Quiller-CouchPotato
The Jean-Jacques RousSoap-On-A-Rope
The J. D. SalinJersey
The Henry David ThoreauRug
The Miguel de UnamuNosering
The Gore ViDoll
The Virginia WoolfWhistle
The Malcolm X-Ray-Vision
The William Butler Magic Yeat-Ball
The Emile Zolar
The BrontëSoeurs
The Flying Chaucer
The Alexander DuMasque
The Ralph Waldo EmerSunshades –
The William FaulkNerf
The Wolfgang von Girtha
The Ernest HemingWeights
The Henrik IbScent
The Jack Kerouaction Figure
The Harper Leevis
The MolieAirhorn
The Vladimir NaboKoffee Mug
The Eugene O'Kneeler
The Edgar Allen Poegostick
The A. T. Quiller-CouchPotato
The Jean-Jacques RousSoap-On-A-Rope
The J. D. SalinJersey
The Henry David ThoreauRug
The Miguel de UnamuNosering
The Gore ViDoll
The Virginia WoolfWhistle
The Malcolm X-Ray-Vision
The William Butler Magic Yeat-Ball
The Emile Zolar
Green
Power Source Battery Recharger for the Young Climate Activist
Is This Juice Newton’s…? (Past)
Veronica queries:
“Which rivers are Lake’s…?”
Coleman Hawkins (he’s hungry)
asks: “Which rice is Bean’s…?”
Marxist Minh holds a Q&A:
“Which pimps are Ho’s…?”
Cowboy Autry wants answers:
“Which T-shirts are Gene’s…?”
Rex and Rhodes, brothers, ask
“Which rhymes are Reasons’…?”
McDaniel seems curious:
“Which fins are Hattie’s…?”
Who sculps using Cheese Whiz asks:
“Which art is Kraft’s…?”
Kay the hound (lover/news-), asks:
“Which doggies are Katti’s…?”
Who’ll field Lucy’s questioning:
“Which bats are Ball’s…?”…?
Or Ms. Arthur’s exam query:
“Which birds are Bea’s…?”…?
Is that Axl who’s “axing” us:
“Which guns are Rose’s…?”…?
Does Diddy demand to know:
“Which beans are P’s…?”…?
Is that Wendy’s pal Pete prying:
“Which pots are Pan’s…?”…?
Asks Talese the topologist:
“Which straits are Gay’s…?”…?
Does Latifa interrogate:
“Which kinks are Queen’s…?”…?
And do Leno’s lips challenge:
“Which PBs are Jay’s…?”…?
Asks Ms. Bono, as waitress:
“Which tables are Cher’s…?”
Alexander asks everyone:
“Which hams are Haig’s…?”
Mother Wood lets her caddy ask:
“Which lie-in’s Tiger’s…?”
And footballer Andy bawls:
“Which arms are Legg’s…?”
Preacher Billy enjoins us:
“Which sodas are Sunday’s…?”
Kung Fu staple Luke’s asking:
“Which lox are Keye’s…?”
Golf pro Remington’s questioning:
“Which iron is Steele’s…?”
Hoopster Rollins’s query:
“Which flowers are Tree’s…?”
Does Sean of the films ask:
“Which pencils are Penn’s…?”…?
Actor Stephen the Brit, asks:
“Which burgers are Fry’s…?”
Jazzman Adams, on bari, probes:
“Which salt is Pepper’s…?”
Why’s Madison wondering:
“Which gals are Guy’s…?”…?
Does Harvey’s sweet tooth ask:
“Which cookies are Milk’s…?”…?
Does distress’d maiden Doris ask:
“Which knights are Day’s…?”
Could Cornell from the kitchen ask:
“Which yeast is West’s…?”…?
And would Joel lob this follow up:
“Which blues are Grey’s…?”…?
Mr. Ziegfeld asks fishermen:
“Which ebbs are Flo’s…?”
Does O’Neill ask his waitress:
“Which wages are Tip’s…?”…?
Asks that Greek sage turned cobbler:
“Which dress shoes are Soc’s…?”
Henry Gates picks our brains with his:
“Which fish are Chip’s…?”
Actor Charles wants to ask about:
“Which songs are Dance’s…?”
Ms. Derek still puzzles:
“Which arrows are Bo’s…?”
The Captain, Pan’s foe, asks:
“Which ladders are Hook’s…?”
Horseman C.P. is wondering:
“Which reins are Snow’s…?”
Poet Robert’s petition is:
“Which goods are Service’s…?”
Alan of Shane’s suit…?
“Which lasses are Ladd’s…?”
Judy Garland’s two sisters seek:
“Which teeth are Gumm’s…?”
Mr. Pitt (not Elaine’s) pleads:
“Which staples are Brad’s…?”
“Which rivers are Lake’s…?”
Coleman Hawkins (he’s hungry)
asks: “Which rice is Bean’s…?”
Marxist Minh holds a Q&A:
“Which pimps are Ho’s…?”
Cowboy Autry wants answers:
“Which T-shirts are Gene’s…?”
“Which rhymes are Reasons’…?”
McDaniel seems curious:
“Which fins are Hattie’s…?”
Who sculps using Cheese Whiz asks:
“Which art is Kraft’s…?”
Kay the hound (lover/news-), asks:
“Which doggies are Katti’s…?”
“Which bats are Ball’s…?”…?
Or Ms. Arthur’s exam query:
“Which birds are Bea’s…?”…?
Is that Axl who’s “axing” us:
“Which guns are Rose’s…?”…?
Does Diddy demand to know:
“Which beans are P’s…?”…?
“Which pots are Pan’s…?”…?
Asks Talese the topologist:
“Which straits are Gay’s…?”…?
Does Latifa interrogate:
“Which kinks are Queen’s…?”…?
And do Leno’s lips challenge:
“Which PBs are Jay’s…?”…?
“Which tables are Cher’s…?”
Alexander asks everyone:
“Which hams are Haig’s…?”
Mother Wood lets her caddy ask:
“Which lie-in’s Tiger’s…?”
And footballer Andy bawls:
“Which arms are Legg’s…?”
“Which sodas are Sunday’s…?”
Kung Fu staple Luke’s asking:
“Which lox are Keye’s…?”
Golf pro Remington’s questioning:
“Which iron is Steele’s…?”
Hoopster Rollins’s query:
“Which flowers are Tree’s…?”
“Which pencils are Penn’s…?”…?
Actor Stephen the Brit, asks:
“Which burgers are Fry’s…?”
Jazzman Adams, on bari, probes:
“Which salt is Pepper’s…?”
Why’s Madison wondering:
“Which gals are Guy’s…?”…?
“Which cookies are Milk’s…?”…?
Does distress’d maiden Doris ask:
“Which knights are Day’s…?”
Could Cornell from the kitchen ask:
“Which yeast is West’s…?”…?
And would Joel lob this follow up:
“Which blues are Grey’s…?”…?
“Which ebbs are Flo’s…?”
Does O’Neill ask his waitress:
“Which wages are Tip’s…?”…?
Asks that Greek sage turned cobbler:
“Which dress shoes are Soc’s…?”
Henry Gates picks our brains with his:
“Which fish are Chip’s…?”
“Which songs are Dance’s…?”
Ms. Derek still puzzles:
“Which arrows are Bo’s…?”
The Captain, Pan’s foe, asks:
“Which ladders are Hook’s…?”
Horseman C.P. is wondering:
“Which reins are Snow’s…?”
“Which goods are Service’s…?”
Alan of Shane’s suit…?
“Which lasses are Ladd’s…?”
Judy Garland’s two sisters seek:
“Which teeth are Gumm’s…?”
Mr. Pitt (not Elaine’s) pleads:
“Which staples are Brad’s…?”
And is this stuff Smith's...?
All in the (Irish) Family (Past)
Timon
"Ty" McGinn:
notorious criminal recidivist in Irish mafia family
Fitzhugh Leica-Glover:
sharp-dressing ex-pat Savile rowdy and Gaelic wise guy
Ionia Lochstocken (“Beryl”):
former nun, now a sadistic loan-shark enforceress
Ollie Ochscenfrie:
Ernesto Vyperz:
Maj. O'Warde:
once a military accountant; now keeper of the family’s books
Fr. O'Flyze:
Phil Theeleuker:
CFO of various family money-laundering businesses and off-shore investments
Phandugh C. Eccles:
low-life sex offender and all-around bad egg
Jesus Marion-Joseph:
Former altar boy who emigrated from Mexico, now a family drug mule
notorious criminal recidivist in Irish mafia family
Fitzhugh Leica-Glover:
sharp-dressing ex-pat Savile rowdy and Gaelic wise guy
Ionia Lochstocken (“Beryl”):
former nun, now a sadistic loan-shark enforceress
Ollie Ochscenfrie:
Ernesto Vyperz:
Maj. O'Warde:
once a military accountant; now keeper of the family’s books
Fr. O'Flyze:
Phil Theeleuker:
CFO of various family money-laundering businesses and off-shore investments
Phandugh C. Eccles:
low-life sex offender and all-around bad egg
Jesus Marion-Joseph:
Former altar boy who emigrated from Mexico, now a family drug mule
Holmes Is Where the Part Is (Unpub)
Hello! What’s this…? An abecedarial listing
of actors
who at one time or another (or, in a very
few cases, in my imagination) have portrayed
the super sleuth
of Baker Street.
Avramoski, Stefan Graham Armitage
Brett, Jeremy Clive Brook Nicholas Briggs
Cumberbatch, Benedict John Cheatle Tom Conway
Downey, Jr., Robert
Everett, Rupert
Frewer, Matt
Goldsmith, Paul Andrew William Hooker Gillette
Brett, Jeremy Clive Brook Nicholas Briggs
Cumberbatch, Benedict John Cheatle Tom Conway
Downey, Jr., Robert
Everett, Rupert
Frewer, Matt
Goldsmith, Paul Andrew William Hooker Gillette
Richard Gordon John Gielgud
Heston, Charlton Louis Hector Cedric Hardwicke
Heston, Charlton Louis Hector Cedric Hardwicke
Carleton Hobbs Richard Hurndall Roy Hudd
Irons, Jeremy
Jeffrey, Peter
Karloff, Boris
Lawlor, Benjamin Roger Llewellyn
Miller, Jonny Lee Kevin McCarthy Clive Marrison
Nimoy, Leonard
O'Toole, Peter
Plummer, Christopher Robert Powell
Irons, Jeremy
Jeffrey, Peter
Karloff, Boris
Lawlor, Benjamin Roger Llewellyn
Miller, Jonny Lee Kevin McCarthy Clive Marrison
Nimoy, Leonard
O'Toole, Peter
Plummer, Christopher Robert Powell
(Quaid -- Dennis or Randy -- or Quinn, Aidan...
though Anthony Quinn would have done a
helluva job in A
Study in Scarlet.)
Rathbone, Basil
Saintsbury, Harry Arthur Sir Robert Stephens
Treville, George
(Underwood, Blair or Ulrich, Robert...although
Tracey Ullman could yet be cast as an androgynous
Sherlock --
called 'Shelock,'perhaps, or 'Herlock' --
in The Sign of (the) Four)
Volkov, Nikolai
Woodward, Edward Orson Welles Arthur Wontner
(Xiong, Xin Xin...and would he appear, perhaps, in a
staged version of
"The Adventure of the Yellow
Face"...?)
Yamadera, Koichi
Zangenberg, Einar
Zangenberg, Einar
Give ‘Em a Chance! (Past)
Give,
please, Aziz's fils a chance!
Give East Belize's Cree a chance!
And what of Addison's Disease…?
Give all disease the song and dance!
Give Cleese's steam’d cream cheese a chance!
Give -- please! -- Dom DeLouise a chance!
(His Levis…? Stuff’d with bries from France.)
At ease! Give greasy fleas a chance!
Give, please, the Hebrides a chance!
Heed homeless Hebridesians' pleas
but sign no lease sans cash advance!
Give, please, Louise's knees a chance!
And Jeez! Give Lee's increase a chance!
Lee's built cathedrals in Belize
with keystoned friezes we'll finance!
Give, please, obese Ed Meese a chance!
Give queasy Nice's priz a chance!
Regard experience from bees
but trust no expertise from ants!
Give, please, Ulysses' trees a chance!
Give Syngman Rhee's main squeeze a chance!
She sings with ease in sev'ral keys
but can't reprise Gregorian chants!
Give Mr. Wee's valise a chance!
Give Xs, Ys and Zs a chance!...
(Regarding pleas of Smithe-Magee's…?
Give East Belize's Cree a chance!
And what of Addison's Disease…?
Give all disease the song and dance!
Give Cleese's steam’d cream cheese a chance!
Give -- please! -- Dom DeLouise a chance!
(His Levis…? Stuff’d with bries from France.)
At ease! Give greasy fleas a chance!
Give, please, the Hebrides a chance!
Heed homeless Hebridesians' pleas
but sign no lease sans cash advance!
Give, please, Louise's knees a chance!
And Jeez! Give Lee's increase a chance!
Lee's built cathedrals in Belize
with keystoned friezes we'll finance!
Give, please, obese Ed Meese a chance!
Give queasy Nice's priz a chance!
Regard experience from bees
but trust no expertise from ants!
Give, please, Ulysses' trees a chance!
Give Syngman Rhee's main squeeze a chance!
She sings with ease in sev'ral keys
but can't reprise Gregorian chants!
Give Mr. Wee's valise a chance!
Give Xs, Ys and Zs a chance!...
(Regarding pleas of Smithe-Magee's…?
Third World Gashlycrumb (Past)
A is for Ashfaq, abused by his pastor.
B is for Bahj who lick’d lead-leeching plaster.
D is for Dahbu, date raped by some whacko.
F is for Fanun, gunn’d down in Iraq.
B is for Bahj who lick’d lead-leeching plaster.
D is for Dahbu, date raped by some whacko.
F is for Fanun, gunn’d down in Iraq.
H...? For
Hussein who
got lynch’d
near Atlanta.
J is for Jiblah, who binged on cheap wine.
M is for Maqbul, forbidden to read.
N is for Nuur, prematurely TV'd.
O is for Oz who ate corn dogs and died.
P is for Purviss, a pact suicide.
Q is for Qida, drumm’d out of her pageants.
S is for Shantell, a mark of jihad.
T is for Tabla, oblated to God.
U is for Uumbata, brain-dead from Muzak.
X is for Xaan, who misspell’d 'thalassemia.'
Y is for Yakzan who ran short of breath.
J is for Jiblah, who binged on cheap wine.
M is for Maqbul, forbidden to read.
N is for Nuur, prematurely TV'd.
O is for Oz who ate corn dogs and died.
P is for Purviss, a pact suicide.
Q is for Qida, drumm’d out of her pageants.
S is for Shantell, a mark of jihad.
T is for Tabla, oblated to God.
U is for Uumbata, brain-dead from Muzak.
X is for Xaan, who misspell’d 'thalassemia.'
Y is for Yakzan who ran short of breath.
February Soundbites: (Past) a Reverse Lipogram Posing as a “Bush: 'It’s My Legacy'" Report
("Soundbites," recorded years ago, somehow again seems as timely as ever.)
Sunday, 2/1
In the opinion of Senior ABC White House
Correspondent M. Massing Mighteejet, events during February may serve to verify
a distinct impression experienced by a majority of the journalists covering
this administration ---namely, that, in the words of reporter Mighteejet, “Day
by day, hour by hour, something is abandoning the Bush White House” -- though
no newsperson has as yet been successful in determining precisely what it is
that has gone missing.
(...a, b, c, d, e, f, g,
h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z...)
Monday, 2/2
“With recent focus squarely upon individuals whom administration spokespersons had earlier dubbed, somewhat generically, as ‘terrorists’ but now routinely refer to as ‘Saddamites,’” New York Daily News reporter Samme Ming Jestmight asked the President, “Can the Bush White House be fairly characterized as now ignoring a secured Afghanistan...?” President Bush’s hands gripped his podium firmly as his crisp answer shot back:
“…ex-Nazis have worked,
if quietly, in bin Laden’s jungle camps...”
Tuesday, 2/3
Mindful of recent GOP criticism that some press-corps hardballers were “too rough on this president,” Chicago Tribune reporter Jasmine M. Theggemist tossed Mr. Bush one of her famous soft ones. “How about those White Sox, Mr. President, and last week’s five-game series?” Spotting the lob, the President, though reportedly not an informed baseball fan, responded authoritatively.
“…by winning all five,
the Sox jumped quickly into first...”
Wednesday, 2/4
Fielding Times correspondent Jetmist G. Enigmamesh’s query regarding Attorney General Ashcroft’s crackdown on pornography in the military, and having been assured that his response would remain strictly “off the record,” the President grew testy.
“…if he’d just quit
ravin’ how he saw six black MP’s gams…!”
Thursday, 2/5
Pressed by CNN White House correspondent Genghis “Timmie” Jetsam for his reaction to GOP suggestions that there possibly be an intelligence-gathering role for either of the First Daughters during a second Bush administration, the President offered what might well be viewed as the reaction of a typical American dad.
“…a quiet kid joining
film clubs will video her pals…”
Friday, 2/6
Ashcroft clung to reporters’ minds again today. Veteran NBC news anchor Meg “Meg” Sinthetijams’ question alluded to the Attorney General’s notorious distaste for the unclothed female body. Referencing the First Lawyer, who stood throughout the proceedings to the President’s far, far right, Mr. Bush appeared to suggest that neither Ashcroft nor the administration as a whole was prepared to assume a new position.
“…for he’ll keep mockin’
even quite bad jugs…”
Saturday, 2/7
Asked by Washington Post columnist M. G. “See-me-in” Tightjams as to what contributions a second Bush administration might make in support of the arts in America, and whether such contributions would involve any celebrity spokespersons, Mr. Bush paused to consult prepared notes, then proceeded with only a few stumbles, pauses and mispronunciations.
“…I plan a homage for a
quintet of bad OJ flicks…”
Sunday, 2/8
Veteran war correspondent Smig E. “The Jet Man” Smig, currently at work on a chronicle of the Bush family dynasty, bluntly queried George W on the life-style changes the younger Bush has experienced in transitioning from a former president’s erstwhile ne’er-do-well scion to the current Commander-in-Chief. Assured that these particular reminiscences would not appear in Smig’s forthcoming “kiss-‘n’-tell,” the current President allowed his nostalgia to wax freely.
“…fed up shaggin’ bimbos,
I just drink cola…”
Monday, 2/9
Reminded by Desert Storm veteran reporter M. J. “Sting ‘em” Steigeham that recent polls show the President’s approval rating among American forces stationed in Iraq to be eroding daily, the always-forthright Steigeham wondered aloud if the administration possessed a strategy for turning those numbers around. Addressing no one in particular, Mr. Bush pondered in the form of a seemingly rhetorical question what are rapidly appearing to become his administration’s diminishing options.
“…bad time for the fake
camp jingles…?”
Tuesday, 2/10
In a recent feature article on prominent Lone Star families, Town & Country’s Jane “Gems” Mightistem queried First Lady Laura Bush regarding what hobbies her husband engaged in, besides playing golf and clearing brush, to unwind from the pressures of being Leader of the Free World. Before the president’s wife could respond, Mr. Bush himself jumped in to field reporter Mightistem’s question, whereupon he coined his
now-infamous “B.J.” reference.
“…on a fine old ranch,
chaps make ‘Big Jam…’”
Wednesday, 2/11
Appearing as keynote speaker at his ninth Republican fundraiser in as many days and speaking at the Sons of the Highlands’ twice-yearly “HaggisFest,” the President was asked by emcee and generous GOP contributor Gingham J. Testesmime to comment on the administration’s strategies for returning approval ratings, which continue to plummet, to their earlier two-digit percentages. Borrowing a line with local resonance from Glaswegian stand-up comic J. “Jimme Eggtits” Shane, a performer virtually unknown outside Scotland, Mr. Bush assumed his best attempt at the Scottish funnyman’s burr and drew over a minute and a half of sustained laughter from a seemingly appreciative audience.
“…if a bad joke be nigh, kick
a pram…”
Thursday, 2/12
“Bingo, Pinball, Fungo Bats in Oval Office” and “Visiting Big Leaguers Elude Secret Service, Take ‘Seventh-Inning Stretch’ in Lincoln Bedroom” were two recent LA Times headlines referenced by that paper’s sports columnist and future Hall-of-Fame Triple-A ballplayer Jessi “Mitt” Hammenegg as the former relief catcher turned sportswriter and broadcast color man repeatedly probed Mr. Bush for back story. Attempting to lighten the mood, the President played dumb.
“…a game of pinball hid a
jock…?”
Friday, 2/13
In a series of follow-up questions to those of the preceding day, LA Times columnist Hammenegg pressed the President further. No longer able to dodge the plucky sportswriter’s relentless barrage of queries, Mr. Bush chose instead to deny the rumors outright – perhaps hoping somehow thereby to call into question Hammenegg’s facts.
“…no game of ball can
hide a jock…!!”
Saturday, 2/14
As John Ashcroft’s support of the Patriot Act has continued to negatively impact his fitness-for-office ratings in many national polls, Mr. Bush has elected to distance himself from his controversial attorney general. Asked by People’s political correspondent Smite Hemming-Gasjet for the ultimate insider’s take on Ashcroft and American sexuality, the President assumed what some pundits are characterizing as Bush’s “Will Rogers demeanor,” while many neo-cons are voicing concern about the “potty language choices” made by the President and are suggesting off the record that Bush’s characterization of Ashcroft is a subtle signal to the administration’s Christian right supporters that this attorney general is very likely on his way out.
“…Hammin’ Jack – be-all,
end-all fag…!”
Sunday, 2/15
Early today a stunned nation had its morning TV kaffeeklatchs interrupted by breaking news stories featuring video clips of reportedly “drugged-up” American Special Forces members behaving, to quote Arabic translator M. Jehan Stemig-Stemig’s characterization of them, like “storm troopers out of Star Wars,” attacking a large group of Iraqi cub scouts as the thirsty youngsters stood helpless, waiting in line for water rations. Though Mr. Bush has questioned the authenticity of the footage and has at the same time somewhat inconsistently continued to deny all responsibility for the alleged incident, the President was willing to admit that, were the videos ultimately to be proven genuine, someone might be held responsible.
“…if high Jedi kill a
child, blame ’em…!”
Monday, 2/16
Zero-tolerance, tough on crime rhetoric is nothing new for this president. Commenting on the recent nationally publicized incident at a New Jersey day-care facility in which three-year-old pre-schooler Magijem S. Nightsteem, son of Pakistani immigrants, allegedly cold-cocked visiting Newark PD officer J. St.-Magget Mimeshein as the burly sergeant lectured Ms Grendel’s morning class of toddlers on playground safety, Mr. Bush sternly eyed his audience of second graders at Newark’s new Ronald Reagan Charter School as he repeatedly chanted one of his now-familiar mantras.
“…If he decked a badge –
jail…!”
Tuesday, 2/17
Responding in “chico esquela” Spanish to Miami Herald reporter Nestegg T. Themjammis, Mr. Bush assumed a somewhat confessional tone as he fielded the Latino correspondent’s question regarding what the current occupant of the White House may have discussed with his father, former President George H.W. Bush, during the First Patriarch’s recent unscheduled pop-in at the Oval Office, regarding those now notorious disputed Florida election results. George W’s remarks were brief, and the bi-lingual
Themhammis roughly translated them for the rest of the press corps.
“…I fibbed, Dad: A
highjack...!”
Wednesday, 2/18
Queried by Burmese-American ACLU representative Jess Thinmat-Eggmime on the administration’s position regarding detained fellow-Burmese pro-democracy leader St.-Jean Shmit-Eggmime (no relation), the President insisted that Shmit-Eggmime, whom Mr. Bush without explanation or apology continually referred to as “Jeff,” had been treated humanely by Rangoon military rulers.
“…Jeff had a big cage…”
Thursday, 2/19
Nation‘s Business investigative reporter Miss Jammie G. (“The Gent’), as part of her question to the President on the status of troubled telecommunications giant Worldcom, quoted to Mr. Bush the White House’s own statistics which put the total number to date of attorneys working on the case at 143,336. The President’s answer took the form of a question which, it was subsequently determined, Mr. Bush fully intended to be rhetorical.
“…did each bag a fee…?”
Friday, 2/20
Referring to rumor circulated for decades that one of Fidel Castro’s co-revolutionists had been bribed by the CIA with shares of P&G stock, Miami Herald reporter H. J. “Mistie Meg” Stegman wondered aloud whether these recently resurrected allegations would impact on the administration’s continuing refusal to address the lifting of Cuban embargoes. As he has so often in the past, sometimes intentionally, Mr. Bush feigned ignorance and surprise.
“…Che had Fab? Gee…!”
Saturday, 2/21
Asked by Nightline’s Jane “Gems” Mightistem whether Mr. Bush would be comfortable or uncomfortable including Hillary Rodham Clinton among the group of potential candidates he will face in upcoming nationally televised debates should the freshperson senator from New York somehow become the Democratic presidential nominee, the President at first seemed indecisive, then answered in what correspondent Mightistem took to be the affirmative.
“…add Cabbageface…!”
Sunday, 2/22
As the President took a few questions from reporters outside the oval office today, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice momentarily appeared at Mr. Bush’s right, pressing a small object into the President’s palm. Later it was discovered that the object was a hastily hand-scribbled note to the effect that she had only moments previously received confirmation of the death of AFT agent Magijem S. Nightsteem,
wounded earlier in the day in a rather badly botched attempt to settle without incident a hostage situation at a popular F Street pupusaria. Disoriented by the unanticipated interruption, Mr. Bush’s attention momentarily strayed from the large-print prepared notes at his rostrum as he mistakenly read instead from what was subsequently dubbed by certain late-night talk show hosts “The Rice Paper.”
“A Fed be dead! -- C.”
Monday, 2/23
Asked by local free-lance journalist Jiggs Minemat Themes for the President’s opinion as to the overall effectiveness of longtime D. C. resident and Home-Rule advocate Delegate Eleanore Holmes Norton’s time in office, Mr. Bush scanned the ceiling and appeared to be searching his memory. It was later learned that the First Mensa had momentarily forgotten the party affiliation of Ms Holmes Norton. In addition, the President’s chronic nasal congestion muffled his response, causing his ‘m’s to be heard as ‘b’s.
“…A D.C. deb…?”
Tuesday, 2/24
Queried by Ashcroft Middle School Tatler correspondent J. “I Am In The Eggs” Steem, a junior hoping upon graduation to double major at MIT in broadcast journalism and cosmetology, regarding whether “Dubya” Bush had grown tired of the “adult” press’s incessant joking at the expense of his middle initial, and was there perhaps another letter of the alphabet with reference to which he would prefer to be ridiculed, the President answered, in the halting manner and tradition of another linguistically challenged
political figure, Dan Quale, by listing what he would later, incorrectly of course, characterize as “the first three letters of the alphabet of the American people of the United States of America.”
“…a ‘B'...?!…a
‘C'...?!!…a ‘D'...?…?!!!”
Wednesday, 2/25
Among those being officially recognized at a recent Kennedy Center Honors ceremony was octogenarian performer Cab Calloway. Only recently deceased, the elderly black entertainer was being kudoed posthumously, a Calloway look-alike having been employed to accept the small KCH statuette in “Mr. Hi-Dee-Ho”s stead, ostensibly for the purpose of publicity photos. With festivities winding down, the President, attending the event unaccompanied by the First Daughters, who reportedly had skipped the black-tie ceremony in favor of a more casual Uncle Chunky performance at a saloon in nearby Beltsville, MD, was heard by other attendees to loudly call out in the direction of the awardees’ box, situated far, far to the left of that of the presidential party. Attending press-corps members remain unable or unwilling to declare whether Mr. Bush, perhaps unaware of the real Calloway’s recent demise, was attempting to secure the veteran entertainer’s autograph, or to somehow elude his secret service escort and hop a quick taxi back to either 1600 Pennsylvania or even possibly to an undisclosed address in Crawford, Texas.
“…Cab! Cab…!!”
Thursday, 2/26
Mr. Bush appeared tired today as he was asked by one of a group of young journalism students visiting the Rose Garden whether the President had enjoyed the previous evening’s festivities at the Kennedy Center and, as a related follow-up question, why the American people had launched a preemptive attack on Iraq. Waving away further questions amid an explosion of what turned out to the apparent relief of security to be flashbulbs, Mr. Bush hurriedly retreated into the White House, muttering sheepishly.
“…Ba-a-a-a…!”
Friday, 2/27
Insisting he speaks for most Americans, Washington Post Pulitzer Prize winner Gashem J. Teemingmist posed the final question at today’s abbreviated press conference before the President began yet another of his now regular month-long holidays at his Texas ranch. “What are your administration’s plans for turning around the nation’s ailing economy?” asked Teemingmist. The President’s answer, characterized later by a White House spokesperson to be “detailed and substantive,” could at the time not be clearly heard above the noise caused by the rotors of Chopper One.
“…a…a…a…”
Saturday, 2/28
G. Majisteen Gemsmith, an unemployed newspaper reporter, at the risk of being severely “disciplined” by Secret Service agents attached to the President’s motorcade, approached Mr. Bush’s car as the presidential Limo One slowed, navigating the intersection of 16th and I Streets where the former newsman was squeegieing commuters’ windshields, and posed a question of model journalistic brevity. “Spare change?” queried the out-of-work Gemsmith. The President was slow to respond.
“……………………...”
Sunday, 2/29
It seems it’s Leap Year. (For sure it’s a [bleep] year!)
“With recent focus squarely upon individuals whom administration spokespersons had earlier dubbed, somewhat generically, as ‘terrorists’ but now routinely refer to as ‘Saddamites,’” New York Daily News reporter Samme Ming Jestmight asked the President, “Can the Bush White House be fairly characterized as now ignoring a secured Afghanistan...?” President Bush’s hands gripped his podium firmly as his crisp answer shot back:
Mindful of recent GOP criticism that some press-corps hardballers were “too rough on this president,” Chicago Tribune reporter Jasmine M. Theggemist tossed Mr. Bush one of her famous soft ones. “How about those White Sox, Mr. President, and last week’s five-game series?” Spotting the lob, the President, though reportedly not an informed baseball fan, responded authoritatively.
Fielding Times correspondent Jetmist G. Enigmamesh’s query regarding Attorney General Ashcroft’s crackdown on pornography in the military, and having been assured that his response would remain strictly “off the record,” the President grew testy.
Pressed by CNN White House correspondent Genghis “Timmie” Jetsam for his reaction to GOP suggestions that there possibly be an intelligence-gathering role for either of the First Daughters during a second Bush administration, the President offered what might well be viewed as the reaction of a typical American dad.
Ashcroft clung to reporters’ minds again today. Veteran NBC news anchor Meg “Meg” Sinthetijams’ question alluded to the Attorney General’s notorious distaste for the unclothed female body. Referencing the First Lawyer, who stood throughout the proceedings to the President’s far, far right, Mr. Bush appeared to suggest that neither Ashcroft nor the administration as a whole was prepared to assume a new position.
Asked by Washington Post columnist M. G. “See-me-in” Tightjams as to what contributions a second Bush administration might make in support of the arts in America, and whether such contributions would involve any celebrity spokespersons, Mr. Bush paused to consult prepared notes, then proceeded with only a few stumbles, pauses and mispronunciations.
Veteran war correspondent Smig E. “The Jet Man” Smig, currently at work on a chronicle of the Bush family dynasty, bluntly queried George W on the life-style changes the younger Bush has experienced in transitioning from a former president’s erstwhile ne’er-do-well scion to the current Commander-in-Chief. Assured that these particular reminiscences would not appear in Smig’s forthcoming “kiss-‘n’-tell,” the current President allowed his nostalgia to wax freely.
Reminded by Desert Storm veteran reporter M. J. “Sting ‘em” Steigeham that recent polls show the President’s approval rating among American forces stationed in Iraq to be eroding daily, the always-forthright Steigeham wondered aloud if the administration possessed a strategy for turning those numbers around. Addressing no one in particular, Mr. Bush pondered in the form of a seemingly rhetorical question what are rapidly appearing to become his administration’s diminishing options.
In a recent feature article on prominent Lone Star families, Town & Country’s Jane “Gems” Mightistem queried First Lady Laura Bush regarding what hobbies her husband engaged in, besides playing golf and clearing brush, to unwind from the pressures of being Leader of the Free World. Before the president’s wife could respond, Mr. Bush himself jumped in to field reporter Mightistem’s question, whereupon he coined his
now-infamous “B.J.” reference.
Appearing as keynote speaker at his ninth Republican fundraiser in as many days and speaking at the Sons of the Highlands’ twice-yearly “HaggisFest,” the President was asked by emcee and generous GOP contributor Gingham J. Testesmime to comment on the administration’s strategies for returning approval ratings, which continue to plummet, to their earlier two-digit percentages. Borrowing a line with local resonance from Glaswegian stand-up comic J. “Jimme Eggtits” Shane, a performer virtually unknown outside Scotland, Mr. Bush assumed his best attempt at the Scottish funnyman’s burr and drew over a minute and a half of sustained laughter from a seemingly appreciative audience.
“Bingo, Pinball, Fungo Bats in Oval Office” and “Visiting Big Leaguers Elude Secret Service, Take ‘Seventh-Inning Stretch’ in Lincoln Bedroom” were two recent LA Times headlines referenced by that paper’s sports columnist and future Hall-of-Fame Triple-A ballplayer Jessi “Mitt” Hammenegg as the former relief catcher turned sportswriter and broadcast color man repeatedly probed Mr. Bush for back story. Attempting to lighten the mood, the President played dumb.
In a series of follow-up questions to those of the preceding day, LA Times columnist Hammenegg pressed the President further. No longer able to dodge the plucky sportswriter’s relentless barrage of queries, Mr. Bush chose instead to deny the rumors outright – perhaps hoping somehow thereby to call into question Hammenegg’s facts.
As John Ashcroft’s support of the Patriot Act has continued to negatively impact his fitness-for-office ratings in many national polls, Mr. Bush has elected to distance himself from his controversial attorney general. Asked by People’s political correspondent Smite Hemming-Gasjet for the ultimate insider’s take on Ashcroft and American sexuality, the President assumed what some pundits are characterizing as Bush’s “Will Rogers demeanor,” while many neo-cons are voicing concern about the “potty language choices” made by the President and are suggesting off the record that Bush’s characterization of Ashcroft is a subtle signal to the administration’s Christian right supporters that this attorney general is very likely on his way out.
Early today a stunned nation had its morning TV kaffeeklatchs interrupted by breaking news stories featuring video clips of reportedly “drugged-up” American Special Forces members behaving, to quote Arabic translator M. Jehan Stemig-Stemig’s characterization of them, like “storm troopers out of Star Wars,” attacking a large group of Iraqi cub scouts as the thirsty youngsters stood helpless, waiting in line for water rations. Though Mr. Bush has questioned the authenticity of the footage and has at the same time somewhat inconsistently continued to deny all responsibility for the alleged incident, the President was willing to admit that, were the videos ultimately to be proven genuine, someone might be held responsible.
Zero-tolerance, tough on crime rhetoric is nothing new for this president. Commenting on the recent nationally publicized incident at a New Jersey day-care facility in which three-year-old pre-schooler Magijem S. Nightsteem, son of Pakistani immigrants, allegedly cold-cocked visiting Newark PD officer J. St.-Magget Mimeshein as the burly sergeant lectured Ms Grendel’s morning class of toddlers on playground safety, Mr. Bush sternly eyed his audience of second graders at Newark’s new Ronald Reagan Charter School as he repeatedly chanted one of his now-familiar mantras.
Responding in “chico esquela” Spanish to Miami Herald reporter Nestegg T. Themjammis, Mr. Bush assumed a somewhat confessional tone as he fielded the Latino correspondent’s question regarding what the current occupant of the White House may have discussed with his father, former President George H.W. Bush, during the First Patriarch’s recent unscheduled pop-in at the Oval Office, regarding those now notorious disputed Florida election results. George W’s remarks were brief, and the bi-lingual
Themhammis roughly translated them for the rest of the press corps.
Queried by Burmese-American ACLU representative Jess Thinmat-Eggmime on the administration’s position regarding detained fellow-Burmese pro-democracy leader St.-Jean Shmit-Eggmime (no relation), the President insisted that Shmit-Eggmime, whom Mr. Bush without explanation or apology continually referred to as “Jeff,” had been treated humanely by Rangoon military rulers.
Nation‘s Business investigative reporter Miss Jammie G. (“The Gent’), as part of her question to the President on the status of troubled telecommunications giant Worldcom, quoted to Mr. Bush the White House’s own statistics which put the total number to date of attorneys working on the case at 143,336. The President’s answer took the form of a question which, it was subsequently determined, Mr. Bush fully intended to be rhetorical.
Referring to rumor circulated for decades that one of Fidel Castro’s co-revolutionists had been bribed by the CIA with shares of P&G stock, Miami Herald reporter H. J. “Mistie Meg” Stegman wondered aloud whether these recently resurrected allegations would impact on the administration’s continuing refusal to address the lifting of Cuban embargoes. As he has so often in the past, sometimes intentionally, Mr. Bush feigned ignorance and surprise.
Asked by Nightline’s Jane “Gems” Mightistem whether Mr. Bush would be comfortable or uncomfortable including Hillary Rodham Clinton among the group of potential candidates he will face in upcoming nationally televised debates should the freshperson senator from New York somehow become the Democratic presidential nominee, the President at first seemed indecisive, then answered in what correspondent Mightistem took to be the affirmative.
As the President took a few questions from reporters outside the oval office today, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice momentarily appeared at Mr. Bush’s right, pressing a small object into the President’s palm. Later it was discovered that the object was a hastily hand-scribbled note to the effect that she had only moments previously received confirmation of the death of AFT agent Magijem S. Nightsteem,
wounded earlier in the day in a rather badly botched attempt to settle without incident a hostage situation at a popular F Street pupusaria. Disoriented by the unanticipated interruption, Mr. Bush’s attention momentarily strayed from the large-print prepared notes at his rostrum as he mistakenly read instead from what was subsequently dubbed by certain late-night talk show hosts “The Rice Paper.”
Asked by local free-lance journalist Jiggs Minemat Themes for the President’s opinion as to the overall effectiveness of longtime D. C. resident and Home-Rule advocate Delegate Eleanore Holmes Norton’s time in office, Mr. Bush scanned the ceiling and appeared to be searching his memory. It was later learned that the First Mensa had momentarily forgotten the party affiliation of Ms Holmes Norton. In addition, the President’s chronic nasal congestion muffled his response, causing his ‘m’s to be heard as ‘b’s.
Queried by Ashcroft Middle School Tatler correspondent J. “I Am In The Eggs” Steem, a junior hoping upon graduation to double major at MIT in broadcast journalism and cosmetology, regarding whether “Dubya” Bush had grown tired of the “adult” press’s incessant joking at the expense of his middle initial, and was there perhaps another letter of the alphabet with reference to which he would prefer to be ridiculed, the President answered, in the halting manner and tradition of another linguistically challenged
political figure, Dan Quale, by listing what he would later, incorrectly of course, characterize as “the first three letters of the alphabet of the American people of the United States of America.”
Among those being officially recognized at a recent Kennedy Center Honors ceremony was octogenarian performer Cab Calloway. Only recently deceased, the elderly black entertainer was being kudoed posthumously, a Calloway look-alike having been employed to accept the small KCH statuette in “Mr. Hi-Dee-Ho”s stead, ostensibly for the purpose of publicity photos. With festivities winding down, the President, attending the event unaccompanied by the First Daughters, who reportedly had skipped the black-tie ceremony in favor of a more casual Uncle Chunky performance at a saloon in nearby Beltsville, MD, was heard by other attendees to loudly call out in the direction of the awardees’ box, situated far, far to the left of that of the presidential party. Attending press-corps members remain unable or unwilling to declare whether Mr. Bush, perhaps unaware of the real Calloway’s recent demise, was attempting to secure the veteran entertainer’s autograph, or to somehow elude his secret service escort and hop a quick taxi back to either 1600 Pennsylvania or even possibly to an undisclosed address in Crawford, Texas.
Mr. Bush appeared tired today as he was asked by one of a group of young journalism students visiting the Rose Garden whether the President had enjoyed the previous evening’s festivities at the Kennedy Center and, as a related follow-up question, why the American people had launched a preemptive attack on Iraq. Waving away further questions amid an explosion of what turned out to the apparent relief of security to be flashbulbs, Mr. Bush hurriedly retreated into the White House, muttering sheepishly.
Insisting he speaks for most Americans, Washington Post Pulitzer Prize winner Gashem J. Teemingmist posed the final question at today’s abbreviated press conference before the President began yet another of his now regular month-long holidays at his Texas ranch. “What are your administration’s plans for turning around the nation’s ailing economy?” asked Teemingmist. The President’s answer, characterized later by a White House spokesperson to be “detailed and substantive,” could at the time not be clearly heard above the noise caused by the rotors of Chopper One.
G. Majisteen Gemsmith, an unemployed newspaper reporter, at the risk of being severely “disciplined” by Secret Service agents attached to the President’s motorcade, approached Mr. Bush’s car as the presidential Limo One slowed, navigating the intersection of 16th and I Streets where the former newsman was squeegieing commuters’ windshields, and posed a question of model journalistic brevity. “Spare change?” queried the out-of-work Gemsmith. The President was slow to respond.
It seems it’s Leap Year. (For sure it’s a [bleep] year!)
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