Bogart in Hell (Unpub)

      (Day 9) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you're plannin' on smokin' them cigars, you'll need matches. Where's your matches...? Let's see 'em."
 
Gold Hat: "Matches...? We ain't got no matches. We don't need no matches. I don't have to show you no stinkin' matches." 
 
     (Day 736) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you're as poor as you claim, your serapes should be full o' patches. Where's your patches...? Let's see 'em.
 
Gold Hat: "Patches...? We ain't got no patches. We don't need no patches...  
 
     (Day 82,054) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you'd just come from Ash Wednesday services, your foreheads would be smudged with ashes. Where's your ashes...? Let's see 'em."
 
Gold Hat: "Ashes...? We ain't got no ashes…
 
     (Day 9,998,976,003) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If your compadres were actual members of the Italian Socialist Party, they'd be Fascists. Where's your Fascists...? Let's see 'em.”
 
Gold Hat: "Fascists...?”
 
     (Day 6,392,875,620,395,847) 
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you keep insistin' on sashayin' around in them skimpy two-piece bathin' suits, you'll need pageants. Where's your pageants...? Let's see 'em...
 
Gold Hat: “…” 
 
     (Day 83,492,736,574,839,283,759,293)
 
Fred C. Dobbs: "If you're really Muslims you’ll need hajjes. Where's your hajjes...?" 

AFI's Spooner'd Sequels (Unpub)

In this sequel to Citizen Kane, Charles Foster's bastard son, Christopher, continues to search for the meaning behind his father's famous final word but fails to discover it and in the end is institutionalized. 

     The film is called Kit Is Insane.
 
As a variant to his groundbreaking On the Waterfront, Elia Kazan's newest production portrays life in and around the world of horse racing experienced by Edie Doyle's younger sister, a dwarfling. 

     Elia calls his new movie Wanda, Odd Turf Runt.
 
With production of Wanda well under way, cinebuffs learned that a Mexican film company is developing an animated sequel to Kazan's original classic which will relate the adventures of a young Chicano who escapes LA gang life to become A&R man for a group of performing sea mammals living and working in the waters off the Baja Peninsula. 

     Planned for a Christmas holiday release, the film is called Juan the Otter Front.
 
In what the press is calling Wuthering Heights II, Heathcliff and Cathy depart the Yorkshire moors for a West Indies sugar plantation where they spend their lives harassing a native population in bondage. 

     The working title of this sequel is Hovering Whites.
 
In re-envisioning The Maltese Falcon as biopic, documentary film makers feature journalist Muggeridge playing himself and claiming full responsibility for Original Sin. 

     The film is called The Fault? 'Tis Malcolm's.
 
This made-for-TV feature takes a U-turn from its model, The Grapes of Wrath. In the revision, Grampa Joad, after dying of the drug overdose administered by his family, returns to confront Tom, Rose of Sharon and the others, ultimately convincing the lot to eighty-six their trip to California and to emigrate instead to Bar Harbor, Maine. 

     Rated R for language, the picture is called The Wraith of Gramps.

An OK Chorale (Unpub)

Three Earps, one Holliday (dubb’d Doc) in tow
to bolster their inadequate morale,
oppose a trapezoidal UFO:
The Tonne Kite at the OK Corral.
 
Doc Holliday is nuts for funny papers.
He follows Blondie, Skeezix and Prince Val.
The latter cuts, in armor bronze, wild capers:
The Dun Knight at the OK Corral.
 
The Earps had Sister Steele in second grade.
She smack'd ‘em good: she’s one unyielding gal.
She black'd one’s eye; she crack'd one’s shoulder blade:
The Nun Smite at the OK Corral.
 
Doc Holliday with Virgil, Morgan, Wyatt:
all four endure the consummate grand mal
as running sores of Attila run riot:
The Hun Blight at the OK Corral.
 
“Sure, ‘no man is an island,’” Wyatt notes,
“and ‘Death shalt die’ and ‘bells shall toll’ et al.
I’m up to here with metaphysics quotes…”:
The Donne Cite at the OK Corral.
 
The Earps ask ev'ry señor and señora.
They forage but can form no rationale
for walls dividing Tombstone from Sonora:
The Unbright at the OK Corral.
 
The Earps appoint a posse mann'd by cowboys.
The cow pies they amass resemble dal.
What species of embroilment have we now, boys…?
The Flung Shite* at the OK Corral…?
 
     * Possibly The Dung Flight at the OK Corral...?
 
The Earps -- that's Virgil, Morgan (Wyatt, too) --
along with MD Holliday, their pal,
face Dominick the Vampire. None pull through:
The Dunne Bite at the OK Corral.
 
The Earps have gone their way, replaced by Ike,
whom locals task with lifting their morale.
But Ike is dropp’d by Tyson -- Iron Mike:
The Stunn’d Dwight at the OK Corral.
 
My carol's through. I bid “adieu” to Wyatt,
now teaching Western Lit at Southern Cal.
(Remarks re cals reminds me of my diet:
The Pun Trite at the OK Corral.)

Aspects of 'Chi' (Unpub)

Dapper Don Ameche dotes on balding Ed Balducci.
Campo (yum!) di Bocce’s haut. So’s Italy’s Il Duce.
Ignorat’ Elenchi quotes sequential Fibonnacci.
 
Soprano Galli-Curci curtsies, dancing Hootchie-Kootchie.
Matthew Groening’s Itchy blurts, "See fancy Jughead’s Archie...?"
 
Pakistan’s Karachi fatwas fatuous Liberace.
Happy-New-Year Mochi…? “Not when Gott ist tot!” shouts Nietzsche.
In Nevil’s On the Beach, he plots how senior cits grow paunchy.
 
Accupressure’s Qi-Chi chews up Justis playing “Raunchy.”
Big Night’s Stanley Tucci brews up martial art form Tai Chi.
 
“…cedeme Un Chi Chi” croon collaborees from Vichy.
Maids from Weeki-Watchee swoon for frat boys’ Beta Xi Chi.
Shirley Yamaguchi soon licks Dragonball Z Chi Chi.
 
I tip my hat to ev’ry ‘chi.’ To each: Arrivederci, ‘chi’!