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Friday, August 25, 2023

Numbers Don't Lie (Though Of Course The Drumpf Does, Constantly)

     Yesterday, Donald Drumpf surrendered to authorities in 
Georgia. Beneath the mug shot issuing from the booking he 
inserted the caption "Never Surrender!" WTF! Nonetheless...

     Factoid:
 
For Drumpf's Fulton County, Georgia rap sheet, the twice-
impeached, four times (to date) indicted ex-POTUS is listed 
as weighing 215 lbs. 215 lbs. WTF!

     Possible, If Unlikely, Explanations:

(1) Drumpf actually suggested the notation 2/5. His intention in 
employing the fractional equivalent of 40% remains obscure but
conspiratorial theories are already being formed.
(2) Drumpf's latent dyslexia suddenly kicked in, muddying his 
intention to admit to his true weight of 512 lbs.
(3) In an attempt to demonstrate his self-claimed astronomical 
IQ, Drumpf employed the Base-10 Number System in calculating 
the actual figure.
(4) Drumpf misunderstood the question, assuming authorities 
were requesting the area code of the Trump National Golf Course 
in Philadelphia.
(5) Drumpf incorrectly thought his questioners were inquiring  
about the time in Moscow. Drumpf wrote 215, failing to include
the decimal point or the 'a.m.' designation. (Perhaps inevitably, 
Drumpf was still off by two hours.)
(6) Drumpf calculated his tonnage in a Russian unit, the funt
and muddled the conversion from one unit to the other.
(7) Drumpf provided his weight as it would be determined on the 
Moon, where Space Force will eventually take him in aid of his 
flight from prosecution. 
(8) Surprisingly, the number is correct. Drumpf is, in fact, totally hollow.  

Four Perfect Calls; or, History Rhymes

1. British PM Churchill phones Vice Admiral Bertram Ramsay
on the eve of the evacuation of Allied forces from Dunkirk: 

“I just want to find 11,780 boats...” 

 
2. Dr. Seuss hero Bartholomew Cubbins
phones King Derwin
regarding the lad's attempts to obtain dinner jackets to
accompany his new hat collection:

“I just want to find 11,780 coats...” 

 
3. Composer Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov phones
Greek Muse Euterpe
as he prepares to compose “The Flight of the Bumblebee”: 

“I just want to find 11,780 notes...” 


4. Head of Avenel Books phones English professor Bergen Evans
asking him to assemble materials for a new dictionary:

"I just want to find 11,780 quotes..."


Losts & Founds: An ABC

     The Lost Ark Careless Hebrews lost the Ark  but Jones, a gentile, found it --  along with half a dozen nasty  Nazis runnin' 'ro...