Off Ramps to Hades or Paved With Good Pretensions

     ‘Round 
Wash, D.C., the avs are paved
in macadams of money, 
     black'd bak-
sheesh backpack’d by pachs in sacks
(knap-, haver-, ruck- and gunny-).
 
      Most
Motown mileage…? Paved in gobs
of cobs* of obsolescence: 
     wan Nip-
pon Mot’ taught -- or so 'twas thought.
So: have Wo** learnt no lessons…?  
     * Cobblestones
     ** Chinese slang for a Japanese

      All 
vias* to the Vatican
are paved in men's machismo.
     Judas'd 
priest! Desist 'n' cease:
sheath 'neath your briefs your busy gizmo!
     * All roads leading to and from Rome,
expressed in a lingua Romana. 

     The 
streets to San Francisco…?
Paved in multi-colored mufti...
     haut de- 
sign’d by Sean.* Or Tufte.**
Or some magic dragon (Puff de...?) 
     * Entrepreneur Combs -- a Puff D-come-lately
in light of the earlier dragon similarly named and
referenced, if somewhat elliptically, in both a pop
pseudo-folk song and later in this stanza.     
     ** Designer Edward Tufte.

     Tourists
travel to LA on turnpikes
trimm’d in glit 'n' tinsel
     thinkin' 
Caddies pink must match their mink.
(P'rhaps pairs of out-sized fins'll?!)

     My! 
Main drags to Miami…?
Paved in powder, gloss, mascara,
     hair ex-
tensions, breast enhancements, sil-...
still, will khe sera sera...?

Aye, Aye! (Ay-Yi-Yi!)

O, Captains (America, Blood, Zero, Earth...):
thou be nowt if not captains courageous.
Sev'ral captains, however (there's never a dearth),
prove, on inquiry, captains outrageous. 
Might not each, switching ships (here's an ABC’s worth), 
change the universe...? Ponder these pages.

If Ahab had captain'd, instead of the Pequod, 
a carrack call'd Santa Maria,
then would Native Americans sigh with relief 
at the found'ring of "Chris's Idea"…?
And would hunting white whales, like all searches for grails,
now be hail'd as a fail'd panacea…?

If HMS Bounty'd been captain’d by Beefheart 
instead of by officer Bligh,
would its mutineers, rather than take to Tahiti, 
have open’d a bar in Dubai…?
And would Fletcher've been play’d not by Gable or Brando
but some far less self-absorb'd guy…?

If Endeavour'd been captain'd, instead of by Cook, 
by one Cap'n Horatio M. Crunch,
then would Botany Bay be one stop, since that day, 
on some serial cereal brunch...?
And would Cook's tours be publicized "Crunch Tours" instead...?
It’s a good bet they would. (Just my hunch.) 

If the schooner We're Here had as pilot Der Captain
of "Hans-und-Fritz" fame -- and not Disko,
then would young Harvey Cheyne have become Mama's bane
and migrated from Gloucester to Frisco,
where, no longer a kid, he'd do scenes in a vid,
playing Pancho to some sordid Cisco…? 

If ace Captain Eddie's belov'd Flying Fortress 
became Captain Eo's space vessel,
then would World War II prove a minor ado, 
scrub’d when Ed ask'd Herr Adolf: "Who'll wrestle!"…?
Or would spacetime get bent, with Ed's UFO sent
back in time to snuff young Georgie Jessel…?

If Flint and his Walrus became SS Feathersword 
and its eponymous captain,
would the foremention’d Feathersword balk at the switch, 
crying, "No bloody way I'm adaptin'!"?
And would Captain Fantastic, with no ship at all, 
of a sudden start speaking Sahaptian…? 

What if George -- "Captain Seafood" – would move to usurp
Captain Gantu's Galactic Armada…?
Would not Lilo and Stitch knuckle under and snitch…? 
What would happen…? In fact, next to nada:
George would grant Gantu's wish and serve everyone fish
with a side of baked beans, blah-de-blah-dah... 

What if Hook's Jolly Roger (once known as The Wasp)
were by Hornblower re-christen'd Sutherland…?
Then would Captain Horatio, thereby bereft, 
with no ship to return to the motherland,
taunt Herge's Captain Haddock, "You've no ship as well…?
Must we both end our days in some other land?"…?

What if Captain Insano had thrown in the towel…

Other captains who may feature in future alternate universes:
Captain January
Captain Janeway
Captain Kirk
Captain Kangaroo
Captain Kidd
Captain Lorca
Captain Marvel
Captain Morgan
Captain Nemo
Captain Obvious
Captain Picard
Captain Queeg
Captain Ron 
Captain Sisco
Captain Sparrow
Captain Spaulding
Captain Teague
Captain Underpants
Captain Von Trapp
Captain White
Captain Xavier
Captain Yuri
Captain Yamato
Captain Zoom
Captain Zack

Unlikely Understudies

   “Ladies and gentlemen: in this evening's 
performance of “Tintin Tours Tartarus,” the roles of 
Thompson and Thomson will be played by…

…Ms. Theda Bara and Mr. Yogi Berra.”
…Mrs. Laura Bush and Mr. August Busch.”
…Ms. Willow Bay and Mr. Turhan Bey.”
…Mme. Marie Curie and Mr. Finlay Currie.”
…Ms. Celia Cruz and Mr. Tom Cruise.”
…Ms. Jeanne Crain and Mr. Hart Crane.”
…Ms. Barbie Doll and Mr. Roald Dahl.”
…Little Miss Echo and Mr. Umberto Eco.”
…Ms. Tina Fey and Mr. Michael Faye.”
…Ms. Nadia Gray and Mr. Zane Grey.”
…Ms. Lena Horne and Mr. Paul Horn.”
…Mr. Harold Ickes and Mr. Dave Hickey.”
…Dick’s sister Jane and Alan Ladd’s Shane.”
…Herr Helmut Kohl and Ms Natalie Cole.”
…Ms. Lois Lane and Mr. Frankie Laine.”
…Ms. Mary Lamb and Mr. Wifredo Lam.”
…Ms. Vivien Leigh and Mr. Pinky Lee.”
…Ms. Mary Tyler Moore and Sir Thomas More.”
…Mr. Louie Nye and Mr. Bill Nighy.”
…Ms. Tatum O’Neal and Mr. Eugene O’Neill.”
…Ms. Kimberley Po and Mr. Edgar Allan Poe.”
…Mr. Anthony Quinn and Ms. Butterfly McQueen.”
…Mr. John Rambo and Mr. Arthur Rimbaud.”
…Ms. Rene Russo and M Jean Jacques Rousseau.”
…Ms. Rachel Ray and Mr. Alvino Rey.”
…Ms. Patti Smith and Mr. Ronald Eustace Psmith.”
…Mr. Louis Untermeyer and Mr. Samuel Untermeier."
…Ms. Missouri Vaun and Mr. Robert Vaughn.”
…Ms. Fay Wray and Mr. Man Ray.”
…Ms. Kelly Winn and Mr. Keenan Wynn.”
…Herr Max Weber and Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber.”
…Ms. Loretta Young and Herr Carl Gustav Jung.”
…Senor El Zorro and Mr. George Soros.”

(Curtain) 

It's a Mutin' Court, After All

The Kremlin he’s lootin’:
that’s Vladimir Putin.
He’s point guards recruitin’:
that’s Coach Morgan Wootten.
His own horn he’s tootin’:
Grigori Rasputin.
When movies not shootin,’
Dors draws drafts in Luton.

For some we be rootin.’

At others we’re hootin’…
while freedom of speech
our Supreme Court be mutin.’

Past second he’s scootin’:

Milwaukee’s Bill Bruton.
With Leibniz disputin’
be piss’d Isaac Newton.
His mummified suit in
sits ol’ -khamun, Tutan-.
A mite highfalutin’…?
That’s Roosevelt's “Gro(o)ton.”

At some we be hootin.’

For others, we’re rootin’…
while freedom of speech
our Supreme Court be mutin.’