Ladies First! (Unpub)

     George and Gracie. George and Martha.

Jack and Jackie. Steve and Edie. Must the 

guys always get top billing...? Not now!

 
RALPH AND ALICE 
                          ^ AND RALPH
"But of course: who'd not love
to get "sent to the moon"…? 
Why don't you go...
by way of divorce court, you goon!"
 
PORGY AND BESS 
                          ^ AND PORGY
"It's you who've "got plenty
o' nuttin'," eh, Porg…?
Me…? I'm book'd 'board that 'boat
leavin' soon for New Yorg'"!
 
SONNY AND CHER 
                           ^ AND SONNY
"You got raggedy threads
and a descant off-key, neighb,'
but hark to me carefully:
you ain't got me, babe!"
 
ROY AND DALE 
                      ^ AND ROY
"Sure, your trails are happy
(though yours are wa-a-ay bigger).
But what about my trails…?
(Please stop nuzzling Trigger!)"
 
ADAM AND EVE 
                      ^ AND ADAM
"Did I not warn thee:
'Apples shalt prove a mistake!'…?
But thou'll blame this on me, won't thou…?
Thou 'n' thy snake!"
 
KUKLA AND FRAN 
                          ^ AND KUKLA
"Burr's right hand makes Ollie 
one wry raconteur:
deftly handled. But where be Burr's
other hand…? Burr...!!"

HANSEL AND GRETEL 
                               ^ AND HANSEL
"No, I don't like the looks
of that candy house, Hans.
Why…? You've not learn’d to keep 
your sweet tooth in your pants!"
 
OZZIE AND HARRIET 
                              ^ AND OZZIE
"I've got evidence, Oz,
that our near neighbor Thorny
lends too many hands.
In a nutshell…? Thorn's horny!"
 
RICK AND ILSA 
                      ^ AND RICK
"Promis’d you: 'We'll have Paris!'
I surrejoin’d, 'Yippie!' --
misled 'bout your bed-sit
in Paris, Miss'ippi."
  
DICK AND JANE 
                       ^ AND DICK
"Back seats be no longer
this chick's bailiwick!
It’s too tiresome to ever
play 'Jane' to your 'Dick'!"
 
REGIS AND KATHIE LEE 
                                  ^ AND REGIS
"My mirror (I know, Reege:
I’m loathsome to boast!)
still insists I was Talk's hottest -- 
Talk's hautest! -- host."
 
HI AND LOIS 
                   ^ AND HI
"You're mildly jocose,
though you often play’d duncehead.
To true fans of funnies, though,
no Dagwood Bumstead!"
 
MORK AND MINDY 
                          ^ AND MORK
"I mean it: enough 

with the 'na-nu, na-nu,'
you maniacal, rainbow-braced
looney tune, you!"
 
NICK  AND NORA 
                         ^ AND NICK

"Look, Nick: you’ve got DTs!
And Asta wants walkees!!
And I'm a bit 'peevees'!!!”
(And yes, that's litotes.)
 
HAMLET AND OPHELIA 
                                 ^ AND HAMLET
"Enough with the ghosts!
Ban the blood! Dump the guts!
Oh, an' nix that damn complex:
you're drivin' me nuts!"
 
CUPID AND PSYCHE 
                             ^ AND CUPID
"Let me sum up your-'n'-my
psychodynamic for you, Cupid:
mine’s a single super-ego;
yours is surely more a group id."
 
KING AND QUEEN 
                          ^ AND KING
"All your penny-ante card sharps claim 
they trump me. Nonetheless
they always fail to peek behind the throne.
So...anyone for chess…?"

OSSIE AND RUBY 
                         ^ AND OSSIE
"You insist that all the marquees
list our first names alphabetic'lly.
Your obit's misspell'd 'Uzzie.'
(Seems, at last, I'm first...kismetic'lly.)"
 
HARRY AND SALLY 
                           ^ AND HARRY
"As I order'd, you blink'd –
as per u., Your Remissness.
So...what am I havin'...?
That's none o' yer business!"
 
THE CAPTAIN AND TENNILE 
                                        ^ AND THE CAPTAIN
"Of late I've determin'd that second banana's
decidedly not where it's at.
Fella, you may say 'muskrat.' Well, I reply 'shmuskrat!'
(And, by the bye, shitcan that hat!)"
 
SPOCK AND UHURA 
                             ^ AND SPOCK
"Your ears may be spectacular.
You do sport biggish feet.
Still, I don't see me -- alone with you – 
down in your holosuite."
 
ARCHIE AND VERONICA 
                                   ^ AND ARCHIE
"C'est autre chose, Arch.
Oui, there is someone new.
I've been sleepin' with Betty.
Voila: billets-doux!"
 
PETER AND WENDY
                            ^ AND PETER
"Why don't you 'n' your tinklin’ friend
fly on ahead, Pete.
I'm hailin' a hansom
'n' hittin' the bedsheet!"
 
SOCRATES AND XANTHIPPE 
                                        ^ AND SOCRATES
"Your dialogue “On Navel Gazing,”
Soc...? You'd better shop it.
Put some feelers out, assess the breeze...
or, why not simply drop it…?!"
 
JOHN AND YOKO 
                        ^ AND JOHN
"You do it in the road, Bub,
and you do it all alone.
Who the hell d'ya think we are, John...
New Age Darby and Joan...?"

SCOTT AND ZELDA 
                           ^ AND SCOTT
"Say, isn't that a manuscript
you're hiding 'neath your hat...?
Hey, Scotty...didn't I write...?
Why, you kleptobastard: I wrote that!"

Last Gasp (Unpub)

Inhaling in, out loud I shout,
“Let us begin.” I exhale out.
Inhaling in, I, whale-like, spout,
“Whoa! Where’ve I been…?” I exhale out.
 
Inhaling in, through nose, through mout,’
I tuck my chin. I exhale out.
Inhaling in, I’m on about
Eve’s Adam’s sin. I exhale out.
 
Inhaling in, I pour a stout
then sip a gin. I exhale out.
Inhaling in, while suff’ring gout,
I bark my shin. I exhale out.
 
Inhaling in, I exit sout.’
(A new begin-...?) I exhale out.
Inhaling in, what’s true I flout,
what’s false I spin. I exhale out.
 
Inhaling in, I talk about
what's left unfin-. I exhale out.
Inhaling in, I walk about
the Plain of Tsin. I exhale out.
 
Inhaling in, I think about
poor Anne Boleyn. She exhal’d out.
Inhaling in, I sink like trout.
As Rin Tin Tin I exhale out.
 
Inhaling in, I ask for nowt.
Why can’t I win…? I exhale out.
Inhaling in: one final bout.
Fun though it’s been, I’ll exhale out.

Manfred (9.17.1886) (Unpub)

Before there lived
a Herbert Marx
(inflate your zep,
O Herbert Marx!)…
...before there lived
a Milton Marx
(bedpost your gum,
O Milton Marx!)…
...before there lived
a Leonard Marx
(eyeball that chick,
O Leonard Marx!)…
...before there lived
an Arthur Marx
(restring your harp,
O Arthur Marx!)…
...before there lived
a Julius Marx
(you’re such a grouch,
O Julius Marx!)…
...at first God hatches

Manfred Marx…
     Hold!
 Tocsins toll’d.
‘Twas oh-h-h, so cold.
(Was Manfred Marx’s fate
foretold…?)
     Five Marx of silver;
one of gold,
one soul whose tale’s
till now untold.
     From day one,
Mannie’s jumping sharks.
(Min never scolds
her Manfred Marx,
nor goes for strolls
through city parks
nor ever holds
her Manfred Marx.)
     This tale – so droll –
of Manfred Marx
now’s told: Min weeps
as Mann embarks,
though, as he leaves
on Min his marks,
he leaves for good,
does Manfred Marx.
     With Pip and Joe
he’ll know no larks
(misunderstood
be Manfred Marx),
nor borrow books
of Muriel Spark’s
(misunderstood, he:
Manfred Marx),
nor hunt for
Rev'rend Carroll’s snarks
(misunderstood,
wee Manfred Marx),
nor search for Jones’s
long-lost arks
(misunderstood, see…?
Manfred Marx).
     He’ll split
no element’ry quarks;
he’ll walk alone
through dawns, through darks.
Was ever cold,
was Manfred Marx.
Was never old,
was Manfred Marx.

Madday (Unpub)

      May is Mental Health Month. 

Below find a rota for its first seven maddays.
 
On Madday the first, young Mad Anthony Wayne
wails, “I’m mad…about you!” (Who says Tony’s insane…?)
 
On Madday the second, it’s Madame Toussaud:
“I’m as mad as hell…and I’ll not take it no mo’.”
 
On the third, “the Mad Bomber” Metesky is tapp’d.
(Mr. M’s mad ball ops takes two decades till scrapp’d.)
 
On Madday the fourth, madcap devil-may-care
playboy Reggie Van Gleason clocks in – avis rare!
 
On Madday the fifth, tales of mad cow disease
tells divine Rachel Maddow, doyenne of TVs.
Though supportive of MADD, she downs cocktails with ease –
on some Friday nights, sev’ral. (They’d best hide her keys.)
.   
On Madday the sixth, we remember things past.
such as Proust and his madeleines. (Weren’t those a blast…?)
Singing “Paddlin’ Madeline Home” we row fast.
(Neither’s made in Japan, yet the pair’s built to last.)
 
On the seventh, a dear (though mad) friend of mine, queueing
before the Mad Fox Brew’ry door, coos, “What’s brewing…?
My palate needs fresh’ning. My throat is bone-dry
and I’m mad for your barleywine. Have you some nigh…?
Or mad fruit (whiskey raisins), mad figs (fresh from roasting),
mad French macaroons… Such mad flavors you’re posting!
(So: why, one might ask, am I not on their tour…?
For the nonce, this mad fool needs to take him the cure.)

Moronic Adonics (Unpub)

     They’re sonic. They’re phonic.
(Laconic they ain’t.)
They’re free from eubonics,
Their tonic’s most quaint.
 
Andra moi enne'-…*  
Avis tries harda.'
All is forgiven,
Angus MacGyva.'
 
     * Opening of opening
to Homer’s Odyssey
 
Besame mucha.’
Buddhist vihara.
Best in the business...?
Beer an' a chasa.'

Change for a fiva'...?
Cabo San Luca.'
Call me a taxi,
callous Maria!

Down in the cella':
Duke o' Paducah.
Don't be a baby!
Do what ya hafta'! 
 
Ev'ry Septemba,'
each one's a winna'!
Early an' often... 
Easy, big fella'! 

Fifth o' Decemba.' 
Follow the leada.'
Faith of our fathers.
Fannie Lou Ha(y)ma.' 

Go tell Aunt Rhoda!
Gift o' the Maja.
Grow where you're planted,
Garrison Keilla'!

How do I love tha'...?
Hanging at MOMA,
higher an' higher.
Hollywood, Cala-. 
 
Ichthyosaura'...?
Ill with a feva.'
Is that a gun or...
Iphigenia…?

Jackie DeShanna'.
Jolly ol' Santa.
Jus' for a moment:
Jimmy Duranta. 
 
King o' the Khyba'.
Kansas...Missoura. 
Killing me softly...?
Kiss o' the Spida.' 

Lucy Ricarda,
Lolly Madonna:
love 'em or leave 'em...?
Leave 'em to Beava'! 

Martin Scorsesa.
Man o' La Mancha:
make mine a malted!
(Mostly Ma--martha.) 

Noli me tange'...
Night of the junta.
Never on Sunday.
North to Alaska!

Over the rainba.'
Onions an' liva.'
Onward an' upward.
(Oh-oh! Calcutta!) 

Please, Mr. Postma'.
Pride o' the Yanka.'
Play it again, Sam:
Prisoner o' Zenda.

Queequeg the Canni'-
question'd authora'-.
Quadrupedante*...
Quivver thy arra'!
 
     * Cf Virgil's Aeneid.
 
Rock, paper, scissa.'
Ring 'roun' the colla.'
Rightly or wrongly:
'Rriba, arriba!

Sandor van Ochra.
Sally Tomata.
Soup an' a sandwich.
Smoke if ya gotta! 

Ticonderoga...?
Tillie the Toila'...?
Timothy Leary...?
Try to rememba'!

Ursula Andra.'
Up the Establa'-!
Use it or lose it.
Under the rada.'

Vlad the Impala.'
Viva Zapata!
Visit the men's room...?
Vian con dia.'

Wind in the Willa'-...
Winnie Mandala.
We're in the money!
Who, when, where, whattha...?

X follows Dubya.
Xavier Cuga.'
X back in 'Xmas'…?
X marks the spot, huh…?  

Yesterday's weatha': 
yellow (vanilla).
You'd better go now, 
Yuri Zhivaga.

Zachary Tayla'...
Zenith de Mila... 
Zippy the Pinhead...? 
Zum gali gala.
 
     Ironic…? You bet! Yet they
honor constraint.
They’re moronic adonics.
They’ll brook no complaint.