Texts I Probably Won't Read

Alumni donation solicitation letter including multiple enclosures on which my name is misspelt – each time differently -- and on which my assigned graduation class is incorrectly indicated

Blog entry posted by Ms. Mittens, Aunt Hortense's uppity angora 

Credits following any of the last several Rocky movies 

Doctoral dissertation rigorously detailing certain modal irregularities observed by the candidate in several medieval Frankish Kyries 

Edda designed for freshman Medieval English Lit class, entitled "Eigil's Eighty Eight Epic Exploits"

Fortune cookie insert employing typeface designed to look like Chinese characters

Government warning label outlining penalties for its removal sewn onto new rumpus room throw pillows

Hate mail addressed to 'Current Occupant'

Instruction manual (in German) for my ex-wife’s deceased Uncle Carl's reel-to-reel wire recorder 

Junk mailings mistakenly delivered to neighbor and regularly returned to me by him

KKK regional quarterly newsletter 

Letter from Santa thanking young Timmie for “the yummy milk and cookies”

Message in half-empty Thums Up bottle

Notae bene 

Original Sanskrit vegan recipes listing 99 things to do with chickpeas 

Palimpsests 

Quiz notes found in high-school yearbook from 1947 

Russian translation of…anything 

Secret decoder ring message detailing how to order secret decoder ring

To-do list of mine from last year jotted just prior to my myocardial infarction

Underwater-readable ransom note 

Voyager golden record currently exiting the solar system (facsimile) 

Warning label on edible crayons manufactured in North Korea

“Xmas Greetings from Topeka” family newsletter (in green ink on red stock) from cousin Bela’s black Lab.

“You may already be a winner” direct mail envelope

Zen koan incorporated into geranium tattoo on blind date’s left bicep

The Ballade of the Apatheist or Is It Sorcerers All the Way Down?

Herr Lorre DeBuv,
who's 1/3 dove,
cries, "Knock! Me door’s that open."
(DeBuv's me Guv:
“When push greets shove,"
I sigh. "I live in hopin.'") 

Lords Lorre DeBuv:
"Enuv's enuv,'
thou pest obsess’d wid 'questin'!
Me: “Pander, Bruv'?
I's 'hand'; Thou's 'glove.'
Whate'er the -Show, Thou’s 'Best-In-'."

(Be Lorre deBuv
the Laird o’ Love
or just a hard-nosed hater?
Or be DeBuv
chimera of
Herr Prestidigitator?)

Bumberstuff

Some brolly names open with As, Bs, Cs, Ds.
(The parapleurotic obsesses o'er gamps.)
Some brolly names kick start with Es, Fs or Gs.
(The gamphopath’s gripp’d by dark days’ dews ‘n’ damps.)
Gamp Hs…? Is…? Js, Ks, Ls…? Ms, Ns, Os, Ps…?
(The paraGone anguishes: “Where’s gone me brolly?”)
Gamp Qs, Rs, or Ss. (Nor's skipp'd Us or Vs.)
(All dance the parAgon, when weather turns squally.)
Some brolly initials be Ys. Some be Zs.
(Why do none start with Ws, Xs or Ts?)*

     * Here is a list of some names for umbrella coupled with various geographical locations or cultures with which they are associated (please ignore the inevitable misspellings): Agboorun Yoruba, Ambulera Nyanja, Amburera Shona, Aterkia Basque, Brolly UK, Bumbershoot US, Cador Macedonian, Catr Tajik, Hadur Bulgarian, Chata Bangla Nepali, Chatari Punjabi, Chatra Gujarati, Chatri Kanada Marathi, Chhataree Hindi, Chht Khmer, Dackel Luxembourgish, Dallad Somali, Dazdnik Slovak, Deever Mongolian, Destnik Czech,  Deznik Slovenian, Elo Malagasy, Esernyo Hungarian, Faamalu Samoan, Gamp UK, Godugu Telugu, Guarda-chuva Portuguese, Hovanavor Armenian, Htee Burmese, Isambulela Xhosa Zulu, Jumta Latvian, Kasa Japanese, Kaus Hmong, Kisobran Bosnian Croatian Serbian, Kol Catir Kyrgyz, Kolga Georgian, Kudayak Sinhala, Kuta Malayalam, Kutai Tamil, Laima Hausa, Malu Hawaiian, Mizala Arabic, Mwavuli Swahili, Nche Anwu Igbo, O Vietnamese, Ombrelle Albanian, Ombrello Italian, Omprela Greek, Paraigua Catalan, Parapli Haitian Creole, Paraplu Dutch Western Frisian, Parapluie French, Paraply Danish Norwegian Swedish,  Parasol Polish, Parasol’ka Ukrainian, Parason Belarusian, Paraguas Galician Spanish, Payong Cebuano Filipino Malay, Payung Indonesian Javanese Sudanese, Pluvombrelo Esperanto, Qolsatir Kazakh, Regenshirm German, Regnhlif Icelandic, Rm Thai, Sambreel Afrikaans, Sateenvrjo Finnish, Scath Irish, Sekhele Southern Sotho, Semsiye Azerbaijani Turkish, Sgailean Scottish Gaelic, Shirem Yiddish,Sidank Kurdish, Sketis Lituanian, Soyabon Uzbek, Umanga Maori,Usan Korean, Umbrela Romanian, Vihmavari Estonian, Ymbarel Welsh, Yusan Chinese (Simplified), Zhanit’ila Amharic, Zontik Russian...