My Dinner With Vlady (Xmas 2022)

 

Vladimir's Twelve Days of Isthmus or 24 Queries Concerning a Crescendoing Putin Cupidity

     Recitation of this text is, of course, quite alright, 

but the full effect might best be achieved through song.

I believe you are familiar with the tune.

On the first day, which isthmus 

does Vlad annex with glee...?

In Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the second day, which isthmuses 

prompt Vlad's "Absorb 'em...? Let's!"...?

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the third day, which isthmuses 

shall Poot now set upon...?

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the fourth day, which isthmuses 

will Poohtin now harpoon...?

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the fifth day, which isthmuses 

will prove Grasputin's pawn...?

Isth-...

     mus 

          Aaav-...

     aaah-...

lonnnnnn...

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the sixth, of which isthmuses 

will Poohtie ne'er let go...?

Portas do Cerco...

Isth-...

     mus 

          Aaav-...

     aaah-...

lonnnnnnn...

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the seventh, on which isthmuses 

will Vlad a bead now draw...?

Isthmus of Kra...

Portas do Cerco...

Isth-...

     mus 

          Aaav-...

     aaah-...

lonnnnnnn...

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the eighth day, which isthmuses 

lie well within Vlad's reach...?

Sere Chesil Beach...

Isthmus of Kra...

Portas do Cerco...

Isth-...

     mus 

          Aaav-...

     aaah-...

lonnnnnnn...

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the ninth day, on which isthmuses 

will grasping hands Vlad put...?

Istmo de Chubut...

Sere Chesil Beach...

Isthmus of Kra...

Portas do Cerco...

Isth-...

     mus 

          Aaav-...

     aaah-...

lonnnnnnn...

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the tenth day, which isthmuses 

a grab for will Vlad make...?

Nahuel Huapi Lake...

Istmo de Chubut...

Sere Chesil Beach...

Isthmus of Kra...

Portas do Cerco...

Isth-...

     mus 

          Aaav-...

     aaah-...

lonnnnnnn...

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the eleventh day, which isthmuses 

won't wait until mañana...?

Mel island, Paraná...

Nahuel Huapi Lake...

Istmo de Chubut...

Sere Chesil Beach...

Isthmus of Kra...

Portas do Cerco...

Isth-...

     mus 

          Aaav-...

     aaah-...

lonnnnnnn...

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

On the twelfth day, which isthmuses 

will, "annex'd," cap Vlad's guile...?

Catalina Isle...

Mel island, Paraná...

Nahuel Huapi Lake...

Istmo de Chubut...

Sere Chesil Beach...

Isthmus of Kra...

Portas do Cerco...

Isth-...

     mus 

          Aaav-...

     aaah-...

lonnnnnnn...

Isthmus o' La Dune...

Heptastadion...

Isthmus Olonets...

and, in Aisén, the Isthmus Ofqui...?

     Footnotes or If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Panama

 

1. An isthmus connecting the Taitao Peninsula with Chile 

2. An isthmus between Lake Onega and Lake Ladoga in Russia.

3. A causeway linking Pharos Island to Alexandria in Egypt.

4. Aka Miquelon-Langlade.

5. A large peninsula in the southeast of Newfoundland.

6. Land separating Macau from mainland China.

7. An isthmus connecting the Malay Peninsula to mainland Asia.

8. A tombolo connecting the Isle of Portland to UK's Dorset coast.

9. Istmo Carlos Ameghino in Argentina's Chubut Province.

10. Quetrihue Isthmus in Argentina's Nahuel Huapi Lake.

11. The Isthmus at Nova Brasilia.

12. Even in the U S of A.

Spoonissimus, -ah, -um

     Below you'll find expressed fifteen textual equations. 

Within each, a pair of ratios -- through their meters, rhymes 

and Spoonerisms -- appear unexpectedly equivalent. The 

notation employ'd to express them -- "a : b :: c : d" -- 

should be read "a is to be as c is to d."

 

paste those placards down the street : post no bills :: 

"I'm off meds," she's heard to bleat : boast...? "No pills!"

her pinkies ring (they also stink) : bells on her toes :: 

she snitches on her suitors...Fink! : tells on her beaus

illumined by monastic scribes : the Book of Kells :: 

Isabella's chef...? Good vibes! : the cook of Belle's 

part of count towards starting bell : ..."two for the show..." :: 

pinkie slipper -- S, M, L : shoe for the toe 

solfeggio pitches, sung in line : do, re, mi ::

a classic urbs begins decline : Rome, A.D.

beacoup performances it ran : The Me Nobody Knows ::

'tweren't him, my friend; 'twere some ol' man : then, he...? No, buddy: Mose! 

he classic renovatio led : the Renaissance Man ::

as Father's sisters, nephews sped : the men, as aunts, ran

half a pair of magic shoes : ruby slipper ::

off'd Jack's sister (and his muse...?) : slew Bea Ripper 

brass knuckles, clubs 'n' knives : gat mates ::

prefers pre-teens to wives : Matt Gaetz

it won Patricia Neal a Tony : Another Part of the Forest ::

more stench -- as from some putrid pony : another fart -- of the poorest 

he's not some guy who deals in cheese : a butter 'n' egg man ::

you'll call me only Marg'ret, please : an utterin' "Meg" ban

 

keeps himself unto himself : a man of few words ::

haunts the Feline Language shelf : a fan of Mew words

pair adds meaning to 'retired' : suicide pact ::

Edward Bear's eleven's fired : Pooh...? His side's sack'd

Hebrew National on bun : a Coney Island frank ::

fictitious Scot -- eccentric one : a phoney 'ighland crank

Shaw's Salvation Army vet : Major Barbara ::
colloqu'al "tan (wife's cigarette)" : "beige ('er Mar'bora)"   

Rhymes Beyond the Nursery -- # 43: Vendors

The iceman rings but once.
The postman...? Always twice.
The ragman rarely rings at all,
though (overall) he's nice.
     The tanner's hands are tann'd.
The fuller's hands are fair.
The scissor-sharp'ner's hands are scabb'd,
with plasters ev'rywhere.

     The butcher's face looks fat.

The baker's face looks lean.

The candle-maker's face looks waxy,   

not unlike that bean.

     The reefer man seems squat.

The moonshine man seems tall.

The backdoor man -- ill-bred, unread --

seems headin' for a fall.

Comics Page Alphabetical Crossword in Rhyme

   This puzzle will soon appear in the Uly Poe graphic array "Sistine Broadsheet."

             ACROSS

  A. Frenchman, if rudely

  D. 'God' in reverse
  G. Right half, 'Eurasia'
  H. Holdup (or worse)

  J. Submit to; put up with

  L. Pigment, tint, hue

  M. Bible companion

  N. Bill (but not coo)

  O. New Year's near 'Nam

  Q. Regent when Roman

  S. Fat farm with sauna

  U. Join forces (no roamin')

  W. Tlingitland pole

  X. Bull name o' 'Daisy'

  Y. Pote of an afternoon 

  Z. Sometimes they're crazy

        

       DOWN

A. Cinema cape

B. Bump in Ham's road

C. Commence, rise, emerge

D. 'From' (Latin mode)

E. Texas back when

F. Merry 'n' jolly

H. Hole where bears hibernate

I. So says Bloom's Molly

K. Shorthand for 'win'

O. Number post nine

P. Trans-Super-Sonic 

Q. Finer than wine

R. Some go a-wandering

T. Calls kettle 'black'

V. Better half, Palin-style

     [Pencil down, Mack!] 

              ANSWERS 

Let's Keep Things in Proportion! A DIY Word-Square Versicle

J  O  S E  P  H     is to

D O  N A  L  D     as

B  I  D E  N  S     is to

D  R U M  P  S     .  .  .

H  U N T  E  R     is to 

B  A  R R O  N     as

L  A  P  T O  P     is to 

-- -- -- -- -- --

" Jus' Say Ya Won!" The Big Lie per "-Un"cola et "-Un"commata

     Colons (Lat: cola) and commas (Lat: commata) are 

clauses and phrases. Their "-un"-prefixed forms, (i.e., 

the so-called '"-un"cola'* and '"-un"commata' used by Uly

Poe in the title above these verses) refer to the deployment 

of "cola et commata" -- these a reference to St. Jerome's 

divisions, using punctuation marks, of the formerly 

unpunctuated scriptures -- the better to characterize 

one of Drumpf's more egregious scams.

     * Despite its appearance, this neologism does 

not reference the soft drink Seven Up.

...four, three, two, one:
another run.
Hey! Jus' for fun,
I'll say I won!
    Afoot's Herr Hun 

with Book 'n' gun --
'n' tons o' mon --
who says, "I won!"

    God's other sun

(ignore the pun)

tells how it's done:

"Jus' say ya won!".

     Allegiance...? Shun!

Statistics...? Spun.

Decorum...? None:

jus' say ya won!

Material Girl Fleeceity Kendal: Another Fabricature by Ulysses Poe

 

Material Girl 

Fleeceity Kendal

Chemical marker 

over fleece lining
stapled to 18" by 

20" canvas

Coming soon:

Man of the Cloth

Jay Lenoleum

TrueSpoons & FauxSpoons

what in French is la noisette : hazel nut :: 

charming rhino-maisonette : nasal hut 

     A SuperSpoon

which '30s flick did Gable star in...? 

(answer not if 'twere a flop) : 

in Mutiny on the Bounty ::  

where near Belt* did I ride Sam,** 

my bro aboard Quebecois Cop *** :

in Butte -- 'n' he on the Mounty

     * Town in Montana  

     ** Olympic title-holding horse

     *** Famous imaginary Canadian nag 

*  *  *  *  *

foremost of Br'er Rabbit's homes : briar patch ::

anthology of Matthew's poems : Prior batch 

GK's priest; he'll solve the case : Father Brown ::

grimace shown when's pull'd this face : bother frown

fiction penn'd by piece o' shit : The Art of the Deal ::

conger's unexpected flit : the dart of the eel

this contest's over, we believe : game, set, match! ::

Ms. Dennis! Armstrong please retrieve! : Mame! Get Satch!

Chicago's metaphoric name : Windy City ::

Cynthia's one waggish dame : witty Cindy 

*  *  *  *  *

Spoonsong for Tallulah Boone 

Me and cousin Lou Baboon, 

our vests festoon'd in blue galloon,

while Charlestonin' and boogalooin'

climb aboard our gules balloon

to set out for the Blue Lagoon. 

     (a work in progress) 

Dante's Infernal Review

     Into which circle of hell should the ex-POTUS be plunged...?

It seems a case can be made for every one of the nine.

     Canto I 

Death don't heel for no schlemiel,

nor'll do She so for Don der Drumpf.

What's left...? To seal this deal: which wheel

of Dante's Hell Judge Doom should dumpf

this boob whose crime blooms overtime --

in Oval Off 'n' on the stumpf.

     Canto II 

"Such pests shan't rest in Limbo's Ring,"

Gehenna's Prosecutor states.

"Though Hell's First Ring be just the thing

some classic Attic odist rates,

still, Drumpf's "pest werds" (sic)...? For the birds!

(Plus, reading anything Drumpf hates)."

     Canto III 

"Does Drumpf not bust a gut with lust

as sure as Hombergs drop...?" asks Doom,

"...though, charged with rape, Drumpf purrs, non-pluss'd..."

"Drumpf hump'd me in a dressing room,"

notes E. Jean Carroll.* "Di'n't he just!"

adds Doom. "Thus Circle Two's his tomb."

     * Journalist who accused Drumpf 

of sexually assaulting her in a Bergdorf 

Goodman changing facility. 

     Canto IV 

"Hush your fuss," fumes Cerberus.*

"That Drumpf's a glutton nurse no doubt.

Big Macs, Drumpf Steaks, whole choc'late cakes

Drumpf stuffs into his MAGA mout.'

'Tis Circle Three, let's all agree,

edacious Donald's all about."

     * The ravenous three-headed dog who 

guards Hell's Circus of Gluttons.

     Canto V

Half of Circuit-Four's for spenders;

half's," drawls Doom, "for hoods who'd hoard.

Clearly Drumpf's not 'mongst the lenders;

Herr Drumpf hoards -- across-the-board.

'Tis only just that Drumpf surrenders,

letting his Scrooged soul be Four'd!"

     Canto VI

 

     (more cantos to come: a work in progress)

As 'New Spur' Is To 'Spooner,' So 'Pooh's Snurr' Is to 'Snooper': Risible Ratios & Pretentious Proportions from Ron 'n' Sibyl Spoon

 

Deal thy tush a mortal blow : kiss your butt adieu ::

as above, now so below : dish your butt a coup 

God said, "Don't dare touch that tree" : sin, the sin of Adam ::

Hussein Hotel -- "Where kids stay free" : in the Inn of Saddam

One arises, t'other one descends : dove 'n' the lark :: 

"Do you like to watch...?" "Well...that depends..." : love in the dark

Grabb'd the famous Swedish prize : won Nobel ::

"Merry Xmas, Gordà guys!" : Bonne Noël!

Hebrew legend disses Savior : Wandering Jew ::  

hooker's client's lewd behavior : john during woo 

Blighter needs some Shojo Zen : lost soul ::

newsman Thomas...? Drunk again : sauced Lowell

Atheists and Near-Atheists Celebrated in Limericks & Normal or Nashesque Clerihews

Mr. Ron Reagan 

ain't pullin' our leg, un-

afraid as he is to make hash of the spell 

cast by dead-end religionists -- nor does the Great Communicator's son 

"fear burning in hell."

 

Sir Philip Pullman CBE --

an atheist a la the C of E.

Reared in The Book of Common Prayer,

it's the Anglican God he doubts is there.

Mrs. Madalyn Murray O'Hair

is emphatic that God isn't there:

"God the Father...? Erased!

God the Son can't be traced.

And that Holy Ghost...? Wholly hot air!"

Mr. F. Nietzsche,

appears led to reach a

paradigm-shifting conclusion -- specific'lly, God is now dead --

but, since too few believe him, Fred fosters the concept of the ubermensch instead.

Mr. Tom Paine

is heard to complain,

"Mine's a Deist, no godless-type 'creed.'

But priestcraft...? I thoroughly diss that, indeed."

Mr. Chris Hitchens

stays put in all kitchens,

having proved himself able to "handle their heat"

while delivering blinker'd creationists one then another plu-encyclopedic defeat. 

Men o' the Cloth & Material Girls: Dimensional Celebrity Fabricatures Using Acrylics, Colored Pencils, Chemical Markers and Actual Fabrics and Textile Materials on !6" By 20" Canvases. Click on Individual Images to View Larger Reproductions.

Singer
Corduroy Orbison

Comic / Sex Offender
Bill Gauzeby

Folksinger
Burlap Ives

Israeli PM
Bibi Netting-Yahoo

   

Former Fox TV Host
Pillow Reilly
 

Actor
Vellum Dafoe

 

Fidelista
Crochet Guevara

Singer / Ukulelist
Tiny Timfoil

Linguist / Political Gadfly
Foam Chomsky

Ancient Philosopher
Socksrates

GOP Spokesperson
Sarah Huckabee Sandpaper

Comedian
Bill Murraymekko

Actor
Denim Elliott

Actor
Slyrofoam Stallone

Belgian Boy Reporter
Satintin

Popeye's Best Gal
Olive Voile

Dr. Seuss's
Sampler-I-Ampler

PBS's
Robert Coaster

 Russian Dicktatohead
Plaidimir Putin

Physicist
George Gamowflage

  Former Beatle
John Linen

Space Odyssey's
Keir DuLace

NBA Bigman
Kevin Garr-Net

French Actor
Gerard Diaperdoo

Star Wars's
Harrison Furr'd

Impressionist Painter
Henri MaTissue

British Actress 
Fleeceity Kendal

Astronomer 
Fred Hoylecloth

Tease Spooners

Hymn humm'd prostrate on one's knees... 

...let's quit gassing pairs of Bries:

     "Steal Away to Jesus" / we'll, uh, stay two cheeses

Amis, Fry and Rushdie's pal, he's...

...show disdain for harsher galleys:

      Christopher Hitchens / hiss tougher kitchens 

Gnaw on neighbor deeding plaudits...
...beat down brass quintet which audits:
     bite the hand that feeds / fight the band that heeds 

MMXXII or In a Future Dystopian "Amerika," a Senior Citizen Recalls the Former USA's 2022 Midterms (A L'il Limerick for 'Lection Day)

Two M's, two X's, two I's:
first election post MAGA's Big Lies.
I remember it well.
'Twas when states went to hell
as we learn'd how dictatoheads rise.

     Two M's, two X's, two I's,
nor did stuff like such guff cause surprise:

weeds of change long were sewn

and we all should have known

we'd need learn how democracy dies.