Would parallel universes wherein victims were
assassinated not by their own murderers but by
those of other assassination victims play havoc
with the biography of (say) Cher...?
Were
Abe apache'd
by Michel' Angiolillo
nor never by John ne Wilkes
Booth...
would Cher's
claques ordain raves,
one-eyed jacks remain knaves –
and would Fox schlock jocks [shock!] stock Drumpf’s
“truth”…?
Or were
Bhutto bid "bye-bye!"
by "By'" De La Beckwith
and not by Baitullah Meh-
sud...
would Cher's
tikka taste great,
and that dal that doll ate
allow bowels to behave as they
should…?
* * * * *
Were
Cermak cremated
by Carlos the Jackal
instead of Giuseppe Zan-
gara...
then would
Cher be a boy,
and Ros'clare, Illinois
reappear south of Guadala-
jara…?
Or had
Namba Daisuke
deliver’d the deathblow
to "Dimebag" -- nor not Nathan
Gale...
would Cher's
star cease to shine,
and their Great Wall of Chin-
a fall, breach’d by our Santa Fe
Trail…?
* * * * *
Lived
Evers
by "By'" De La Beckwith uncheck’d –
dead instead at the hands of Ted
Eike...
then would
Cher's raven tresses
be rank, tangl’d messes –
hanks yank’d thanks to Bono's bal'-
laika…?
Or if
Fossey's found flay’d
by Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme
as some surrogate Zig'ranyi-
razo...
would Cher
find herself wed –
"goin' out of her head" –
not to Sonny but Teddy Ran-
dazzo…?
* * * * *
Were [gasp!]
Ghandi garroted
by Violet Gibson
and not gruesome Nathuram
Godse...
would Cher's
esse get grounded,
her ens grow less rounded,
her glamour seem far less "fa-
cadesy"…?
Or were
two – U. ‘n’ Q. Hussein –
hung out to dry by
John Hinkley and not Task Force
20...
would Cher's
dreadful duets –
i.e., "Benn' 'n' the Jets" –
cease...outpaced by (say) "Pastures A-
plenty"…?
* * * * *
Had I-
zamo been iced
by Kalid Islambouli
instead of Jean-Bedel Bo-
kassa...
would there
live, on this ball,
simply no Cher at all…?
Like...is, Cher-wise, earth tabula
Rasa…?
Or were
JFK's jugular
jabb’d by Jovanovic,
not pinko Lee Harvey
Oswald...
would con-
ditions take place
leaving luncheon plans -- based
on Cher's plot to serve hot vichys-
soise – stall’d…?
* * * * *
If King's
karma
(get kill’d by Khalid Sheik Mohammed
and not by that kaffirphobe
Ray)...
would wind
up ringing true,
then who'd channel Nehru…?
(Good bet: Cher'd channel Morgan Le
Fay.)
Or would
lies -- Huey ("Kingfish") Long's
late been laid low,
led to slaughter by Lawrence of
Britain --
lead to
looming o'er Weiss
a new broom...? (Hold that rice!
A new groom!...? One with whom Cher’s more
smitten…?)
* * * * *
Had both
Milk and Moscone
been murdered
by Mountbatten's murd'rer McMahon, not
White...
perhaps
Chastity's Mum'd
be a big bunch less bumm’d –
and poor Chaz'd be less jazz'd, more forth-
right!
Or if
Gabri'l Narutowicz
(nail'd by E. Niewiadomski)
were nixed by
Nidal,
would Cher's
navel -- informal –
look more paranormal
and warrant success de scan-
dale…?
* * * * *
Had Or-
lando been off'd
by one Lee Harvey Oswald
nor not by Contreras and
Townley...
would Cher
sound more like Callas
(or less like George Halas)…?
And would the world turn "upside-
downly"…?
Had Fran-
cisco Pizarro
been put down by Richard Paul Pavlik,
not D'ego Al-
magro...
would fans
roar, "Cher's a whore!"
(Crude Columbians!) Or,
would her fan base within Bogo-
ta grow…?
* * * * *
Had S'if
ad-Din Qutuz
had his quintessence quash’d
by Pham Phu Quoc, not Baibars the
Mamluk,
betcha
Bono, E. Presley,
Greg Allman -- or ('speshly)
Tom Cruise never'd give Cher one
damn look!
Or if
George Lincoln Rockwell'd
been really rubb’d out
by Jack Ruby nor not by John
Patler...
would Cher's
final "Farewells"
be, well, final…? Hell's bells!
Could our lass be less tot'lly a
tattler…?
* * * * *
What if
Anwar Sadat
had got slaughtered
by Sirhan Sirhan, not Khalid Islam-
bouli...
would dys-
lexia (Cher's)
prompt the Gilbert LaPierres
to treat Cherilyn any less
cru'lly…?
Or if
Doctor George Tiller'd
been took out by Henning von Tresckow
and not by Scott
Roeder...
would've
Bono not died…?
Or, would Paul Revere's ride
turn out badly…? (Bet that would have
show’d her!)
* * * * *
Or were
A. Uwilingiyimana
undone by unknowns,
not Bernard Ntuya-
haga...
would Cher's
stage name be Tori,
and would her life story
seem less like an Icelandic
saga…?
Or were
Hendrik Verwoerd
victimized by Vittor'o Vidali,
not D'mitri Tsa-
fendas...
maybe
Cher or her sister,
both bumm’d by some blister,
might unearth some Valtrex to
lend us!
* * * * *
Or were
John H. Wood, Jr.,
wiped out by Dan White,
not Chas Harrelson (Woody's be-
getter)...
would a
diff'rent Chaz Bono
(she’d "Yes!" -- though she don' know)
love life as a "Chuck" so much
better…?
Or if
Malcolm X hadn't been
x'd out by Heyer and Bradley
but X-twenty
three...
would Cher
cease selling off
all her memorabilia,
willing her best stuff to
me…?
* * * * *
Or were
Tohir Yo'ldosh
yadda-yadda'd by Felix Yusupov,
not drones (you know
who!)...
would Cher
trample no gypsy,
nor thieve near Poughkeepsie…?
P'raps not: But, chaps...what would Cher
do…?
Had Giu-
seppe Zangara
zapp’d Yasuda Zenjiro,
not some uyoku dan-
tai...
then would
nobody care
about anything "Cher"…?
Ergo: there, but for Cher, might go...
I…?
