Frag Rags Abecedarially Constrained (Unpub)

     My
tricot-knit-
ted lab coats sit
in stacks of fit-
ty-three.

     Con-
ceived in 9
BC, did fine
two thousand Au-
tumns…? Me.
 
     ‘Tis
time, Big Mac:
define exac-
tly what’s in back
of ‘pure’:
     A-
bomina-
ble causes end
in bad effects,
for sure.
 
     Her
songs she’s lef'
in standard clef –
G, F…more off-
ten C.
     “To-
night,” she boasts,
“I’ll frighten ghosts,
if ghostly hosts
there be.”
 
     E-
nough! It’s quite e-
nough, eh, Whitey…?
Few’s preferr’d
to many.
     Sell
hot pants…? Not
in Delhi…? Jodh-
pur dealers don’t
want any.)
 
     “Is
she a fake…?”
they howl. “Si! J.
K. Rowling’s not
her name.”
     ‘Tain’t
no mirage:
at home, she’s ‘Taj’;
klangfarben is
her game.
 
     Though
Royal Dutch,
the common touch
is “air’d” by K
LM.
     Each
flight’s quite calm –
no “flying bomb.”
(I love to fly
with them.)
 
     Try
kosher Spam –
no pork, no ham.
Delish?... You bet
your glans!
     No
ham! No pork!
Just grab your fork!
(It comes in one-
pound cans.)
 
     Qu-
ranic scho-
lar Samar’s hol-
ler: “Stop! Q’ran’s in-
correct!
     Stop!
Q’rans ‘u’s drop!”
(You ask who’ll stop
it…? I shall: what’s
your sect…?)
 
     And
have you heard
this Scrabble word:
‘suq’…? (‘R’s are in
it…? No.)
     Still,
rules there are.
The best by far:
Stick, nerds, to words
you know.
 
     The
Duke of York’s
turn’d love for storks
into a dork’s
bag queer.
     Still,
storks in si-
tu voted three
to one to shun
this peer.
 
     This
plea’s for you,
VW
detailer. My
fixation…?
     A peacock-blue
VW
x-rated dec-
oration.
 
     No-
body owns
sitars with drones.
Now, xylophones
are trendy.
     Who
knows what’s next!
Perhaps a sex-
y zither’s mode
vivendi.
 
     Some
jazz is Thai
(I can’t think why).
Zaire sports jazz
bands, too.
     And Paris has
its Hot Le Jazz,
a blend of old
and new.

A DIY ABC (Unpub)

Abel’s up in the air. Sluggish out o’ the box.
Lax when after the fox – unlike NFL ______.  
 
Cadogan’s earn’d our contempt. Always down in the dumps.
Can’t get passed the speed bumps -- loath to taking his ______.  
 
Efrem’s over his ears; grazes outside the fence;
months behind with his rents. Isn’t worth your two ______. 
 
Gheorghie’s up to no good; shuns the top of the heap;
won't look after his sheep --. all who read of him ______.   
 
Ijoe skates on thin ice. Never’s in on the joke.
Pig -- within his own poke. Someone fix him: he's ______.    
_
Klem spends life on his knees. Too far out on a limb.
Giving in to each whim. Buster Blue-Sky: that's ______.    
 
Mnemo’s lacking a map. Won't abandon the nest.
Last one in on a jest. Mnemo! Give it a ______.  
 
Ophat’s down (some say "out"); well beyond the perim-;
at, or nearing, his lim-:  the whole gang feels for _____.   
                                                            
Qur keeps on the QT. Rarely’s off to the races.
Can’t keep up the pace. ‘Tis the saddest of ______.  
    
Steve lives under a spell. Always over the top.
Self esteem…? Not one drop. Even fails as a ______.
 
Uve’s down the "up" stair. Doesn’t lower his voice.
Options…? None that are choice. (In brief, not very ______.
    
Waxman’s kept under wraps. He is sans the "X" factor.
Toss’d under the tractor.(His wife…? Fiends bush-) ______.
 
Yazmin’s "back o’ the yards." Too far out o’ the zone.
Well beyond reach by phone. (Hey, ya’ll! Throw Yaz a ______.

Celebevs or Bottom Sups (Unpub)

     Celebrity Soft Drinks

IggyPop
NaderAde
Nat King Cola
SoniaSodaMajor
SoniaSodaMinor
 
     Celebrity Bottled Waters
H2Oprah
Muriel Sparkling
Isadore Seltzer
Eau De Yoda 
Branch Rickey
Spring Byington
John Waters
William Grant Still 
 
     Celebrity Fruit Drinks
Abraham Lingonberry
Juice Newton
Raspberry Manilow
L. L. Cooler
ChuckBerry
OranGina Rowlands
Darryl Strawberry
Cherry Seinfeld
Gangsta Grappe
Jack Black Cherry
O.J. (On Ice!)
 
     Celebrity Coffees
Chai Guevara
Paul Sanka
Queen Lattefah
Eliott Nesscafe
Ulysses S. Presso
 
     Celebrity Dairy Drinks
Harvey Milk
Dairy Shandling
Two%Pac
Chocolate Shaq
Yoghurt Berra
Cocoa Chanel
 
     Celebrity Wines
Gypsy Rosé
Blossom Madeira
Vin Diesel
Cab Calloway
Riesling Witherspoon
Chianti Mame
Marilyn Merlot
Cherdonet
 
     Celebrity Spirits
George C. Scotch
Raymond Burrbon
Arthur GodfRye
Carl SaGin
Liqueurmit the Frog
Toper Grace
Jerry D’Stiller
 
     Celebrity Beers
Beer Rishnakov
Brew Swillis
Alec’s Guinness
Rex’s Stout
Muhammad Ale
Giocomo MeyerBeer
Johann Sebastian Bock
Dark Vader
Mild Davis
George Draft
Cole’s Porter
Clu GuLager
Charles and Mary Lambic
 
     Celebrity Container Options: 

The Uma Thermos

The Chris Bottle
The Gertrude Stein
The Phillip Glass
The Obama Yes We Can
The Lady Gagoblet
The J. Fred Mug

Drumpf Digs Dictatoheads (Unpub)

I’m “Oh My God!” for you, Assad,
though Adolf’s still my boy.
Signor’ Benito…? Neat! Tho’
cats call’d 'Castro' never cloy.
(Ceausescu…? Needs a rescue.
Yes, my cess crew I’ll deploy.)
 
I dig Duterte’s dastardlys
and Erdogan’s eclat.
Francisco faded wa-a-a-a-ay to soon.
I loved Gaddafi’s hat.
(I’m into hats: my hair’s a hat.
Hussein’s hat...? Where it’s at!)
 
I’m mad for Idi. Such a sweetie!
Uncle Joe, as well.
The Jongs (-il, -un) and Kraprayoon:
you boyos bang my bell.
Hey, Leonid! (I miss ya, kid –
more since your big wall fell.)
 
My man Mugabe! (Hey, there, Bobby:
keep Zimbabwe swingy!)
My pal Nikita’s señoritas
let you grab their thingy!
The two Okellos…? Lovely fellows.
(Putin…? Cute, tho’ clingy.)
 
Nguyen Ai Quoc…? Hey, Doc: you rock!
Say! Have you met Raul…?
Sese Seko’s on the take…? Oh,
well: he’s no one’s fool.
Tafari (he became Selassie):
that man’s born to rule.
 
The Urbans, Popes…? You’re not the dopes
some make you out to be.
Vargas…? Win…? Good friends you’ve been –
like mother’s milk to me.
Nor can I say too much today
about my buddy Xi.
 
Yo! Yayah Kahn! Yeah, you’re “me mon.” 
If you can’t do it, who…?
My Mao Zedong…? No, folks aren’t wrong:
I cherish chairmen, too.
Each I'll outdo before I’m through:

the whole muhfunkin' crew!

Diarrhea Diary (Unpub)

Runny roux stains shirts, shorts, shoe: 
have I attire-rrhea…?
     It steams; it streams (from shoppes, it seems):  
perhaps I've buyer-rrhea). 
     The village watchman's stain’d his crotch -- 
the guy's got crier-rrhea.
     I note his poo's turn’d dusty, nu…?  
His...? Desert-dry-arrhea.
 
Do fluxes smell…? Don't ask; don't tell: 
You’ll get enquire-rrhea. 
     It’s true: they do. (They're torrid, too:  
some forest fire-rrhea.) 
     What skips my skivs swirls down my privs:  
I've spiral Gyre-rrhea.
     Historical proportions, ya'll:  
some Georgette Heyer-rrhea. 
 
My clothing's mess’d: I'll get undress’d. 
(Have I "I Spy"-arrhea...?)
     Still, weather's warm: I'm done no harm.  
By Jove! July-arrhea!
     Damp poop on sand I can withstand:  
that's Karch Kiraly-arrhea.
     I bet you hold I've falsehoods told:  
That’s my white lie-arrhea.
 
A further purge…? A second surge…? 
Here comes Messiah-rrhea!
     When runs appear, pray TP's near:  
apply for nigh-arrhea.
     If TP's not, abut the pot:  
expect "Oh my!"-arrhea. 
     If TP's there, most trots you'll bear.  
(Oh, fie! 2-ply-arrhea!) 
 
If I need scores (say, 24s)  
of sheets, I've Quire-rrhea.
     If but to bed I could but head,
I'd cry, "retire-rrhea!"
     O, friends: let fly your hue-an’-cry: 
I've shepherd's pie-arrhea!
     And now I see what looks like...ghee! 
(It’s turn’d to Thai-arrhea!)

 
Disgusting dregs drip down my legs: 
I've upper-thigh-arrhea.
     My "bastille"…? Storm’d...with filth unform’d:
severe Versailles-arrhea.
     One can but stare: such dysinter-
y! Why…? Wide-eyed-arrhea!
      Like frog manure, I smell of sewer:
I've Xenopi-arrhea.

None certainly will envy me 
my yippey-ki-arrhea.
     Yet, careful, you...lest Montezu- 
ma's zeta psi-arrhea
revenge enact, and you're attack’d  
post eating his tortilla
     and you're so hit with agua'd shit 
that you admit, "My eatin' it…?  
‘Twas not a good idea." 

Celebrity Soap Opera Scenes (Unpub)

      The Celebrities:
 
     I
Assa Aatte, ethnic Lugbara,
herbalist and mother of Idi Amin
 
     II
Phyllis Newman, actress and
third wife of lyricist Adolph Green
 
     III
Dancer, actress and famous
atheist Butterfly McQueen
 
     IV
Maria van Egmont, wife of
Dutch painter Jan Steen
 
     The Scenes
 
     I
“You’re an idiot, Idi,”
moans Mrs. Amin,
which remark bends her bustle
and busts her baleen.
She confronts her young son
near the Stage Door Canteen
where she’s track’d down her lad
with intent to demean
after viewing, on telly,
“My Sister Eileen,”
an occurrence which few
but yours truly’d foreseen.
 
     II
“You’re mad, my dear Adolph,”
moos mean Mrs. Green
very early one morn
in the Late Holocene.
She has promis’d her husband
she’ll not intervene
in affairs he’s conducting
with gals named Joline.*
“Let me own up, my dear,
why I wax none too keen:
your Swede sweeties are shiksas…
and painfully lean.”
 
     * In 2014, the 70^th most popular
name for a girl in Sweden…? Joline.
 
     III
“I’m Butterfly,” mutters
a mad Ms. McQueen.
“I’m no butternut squash,
nor I’m no nectarine.
I’m not orange. More sepia,
dabbe’d with ondine.
And, though capital dancer
and actress pristine,
it’s the queen’s upstairs maid
I play – never the queen.
Shall I never be free
of such racist routine…?”
 
     IV
“He paints a great scene,”
owns aproud Madame Steen.
“Jannie did in his twenties
and did as a teen.
Not a few of his oils,
nowadays, go unseen --
like that one of an early Dutch
bathing machine.
Jannie started in Haarlem,
And finish’d in Wien.
As a solvent, he always
selected xylene.
 
     Epilogue
Will this quartet of scenes,
plus a few magic beans,
prove sufficient a dish
in celebrity ‘zines…?

Who X-rays Your Zucchinis...? (Unpub)

     Anon’s The Epic of Gilgamesh
Anonymous Babylonian cuneiformist describes Enkidu’s friend Gilgamesh horning in, jilting kismet. “Let ‘Mesh nix oblivion, ple-e-ease!” “Quite right,” spouts trickster Utnapishtim. “Vanquish whosoever x-rays your zucchinis.”
 
     Homer’s The Iliad
Achilles balks, cries, “Defrauded!” Exits fray. Gigantic horse is Jerry-rigg’d. King loads mercenaries: No one panics. Quorum ransacks splendiferous Troy until victorious warriors x-ray your zucchinis.
 
     Homer’s The Odyssey
After battles conclude, Daneans, enthusiastic for getting home, initiate journey. Kirke, Lotus-eaters, Maelstroms, noting ominous quest, remit spoilers, troubling Ulysses’s victory-lap while x-raying your zucchinis.
 
     Anon’s The Old Testament
Adam’s bride caves, departs Eden. “Free Goshen,” hollars Israel. Jews kill, later, many neighbors over promised quarters. Rabbinical scribes Torah-rize until Voice warns, "X-ray Your Zucchinis!”
 
     Hesiod’s Works and Days
Almanac by cultivator depicts examples from Greek husbandry. “Idleness jaundices, kiboshing love, marriage: No one profits. Quick riches sully those un'cultivated,' venal wastrels x-raying your zucchinis.”
 
     Aesop’s Fables
Aesop, borrowing classic depictions (epics, fictions, 'grues,' howlers in journals, koans, legends, myths), noting one point, quaintly re-renders stories. These, unusually vivid, will x-ray your zucchinis!
 
     Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain
Alpine blizzards chill Davos’s environs, freeze-drying gentleman Hans. Invalid Joachim? Kaput: lung malady. Naphta opines provocatively. “Quiet,” rails Settembrini -- too vehemently? Weimar x-rays your zucchinis.
 
     Marcel Proust’s In Search Of Lost Time
All because cattelyas don’t ever fade, Gilberte, having initiated jealousy kissing little Marcel, needles Odette, pretty quickly ruining Swann -- thereby undermining Vinteuil's waltz “X-raying Yourbeletieff’s Zucchinis.”

Capsule Reviews of Ten New Bios (Unpub)

Author of informal bio finds Jorge "rather a nice chap -- and quite well read."
     Borges: A Jolly Good Fellow
 
Is Emily "a secret descendant of Charles?" One critic eagerly makes a case.
     Dickinson: Dickens Daughter…?

 
Ezra's oeuvre makes more use of sensual metaphor than critics formerly suggest.
     Pound: Of Flesh
 
Virginia's letters reveal a perceived need to earn cash from publication of "Mrs. Dalloway."
     Woolf: At the Door
 
Contemplation of extended stay near pond precipitates spiritual crisis for Henry David.
     Thoreau: In For A Loss
 
William's lyrics, in illustrated collection of hundreds, flip one cliche on its head.
     Wordsworth: A Thousand Pictures
 
Newly discovered ms by Jane, in foreign tongue and unfamiliar voice, reveals unanticipated foray into science fiction.
     L'Austen: Space (French text with English translation) 
 
Poet Robert revealed by this pundit as laureate of wintery climes and frozen landscapes.
     Frost: He's A Snow Man
 
The true story behind Oscar's letter to Robert Ross on his developing passion for Henry James.
     Wilde: About Harry
 
Expert study provides analysis of E.M.'s “seminal” texts on the idea of rape in the early 20^th century.
     Forster: To Have Sex
 
     Soon to be reviewed: 

Whitman: Sampler
Defoe: Horseman of the Apocalypse…?
Joyce: Ticks
Gorey: Details
Poe: A Tree In Motion
Delillo: Women Who Live in a Shoe
Dreiser: Tears
Wharton: My Nose
Freud: Of His Own Shadow
Parker: Next to Benchley
Bronte: Tsoris
Shaw: 'Nuff
Pound: The Pavement
Doyle: In Trouble
Baum: In Gilead