An ABC...But Whose...?

B, C, D…? Like 'ea' in "freak."
H 'n' A…? Like 'ai' in "Spain."
E, G, P…? Like 'ee' in "geek."
J 'n' K …? Like 'ei' in "reign."

T, V, Z…? Like 'ea' in "speaks."
L, F, N…? Like 'e' in "hex."
I 'n' Y…? Like 'i' in "yikes!"
M, X, S…? Like 'e' in "sex." 

O…? Like 'o' in "overblown."
U 'n' Q…? Like 'ue' in "blue."
R…? Not unlike 'ar' in "fart."
W…? Like "trouble, nu…?” --
tho', why three syllables…? Mon dieu!
I simply have no clue. Do you…?

The Boorrownym: a New Poetic Form

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou:
on sofa bed we snuggle, kleine frau.
Shall purse of silk we make from ear of sow...? 

Come, fill the cup, and in the fire of spring...
(Don't spill! Heads up, you pinhead: wire and string
won't help! First, set aside your teething ring!)

The Cheese Stands Alone (But Not Before Spilling the Beans)

Gautama the Buddha tells Pablo Neruda.
Neruda's narration clues Hebrews in Judah.
Judeans leave word with one very old Gouda.
The Gouda confesses to you.

The Mother of Jesus has words with a rhesus.
The rhesus reports to that chap who makes cheeses.
(What doesn't asphyxiate finally frees us.)
The cheeses reveal it to you. 

The Devil's boy Lucius advises Confucius.
Confucius makes mention to Lyndon LaRouche. (Is
it true that "LaRou," in a sequence of swooshes,
tells you…? Nope: it's roux who tells you!

The Madness of Gardeners

He thought he saw some Greenland ice which once he'd sought to thaw. 
He looked again and found it was a pound of flesh. "Oh, pshaw!
What's come to pass…?" he said. "Alas! I don't know what I saw."

He thought he saw Miss Garland singing, "Why, oh, why can't I…?"
He looked again and found it was reporter Nellie Bly.
Said he, "She'd trip by sailing ship, forgetting houses fly."

He thought he saw a big parade; it seemed to pass him by.
He looked again and found it was the fourteenth of July.
"There, but for me, go I," said he. "Nor care I where...nor why." 

He thought he saw three magi; bearing gifts, they'd travell’d far.
He looked again and found it was four months without an 'r.'
"No oysters fresh to fill my creche...? Then lose the babe and star!"

He thought he saw a basketball pass lightly through a hoop. 
He looked again and found it was some Cock-a-leekie soup.
I'll share," said he, "a bowl -- or three – ‘mongst my encounter group."

He thought he saw some Ws becoming Ps and Os.
He looked again and found they were three carrots up his nose.
"Were they," he said, "fresh leeks instead, I'd make a stew of those."

He thought he saw a universe adjacent to his own.
He looked again and found it was a stale un-buttered scone.
"At least," he said, "I'm neither dead nor am I all alone." 

He thought he saw a camel thrust its nose inside his tent.
He looked again and found it was his precious youth, mispent.
He said, "Tut, tut: no worries!" But that isn't what he meant.

He thought he saw the heavens part, revealing golden light:
He looked again and found it was a steaming pile o' shite.
"'Tis plain as hell," he said, "this fell from some enormous height." 

He thought he saw a farewell speech composed in cursive script:
He looked again and found it was a mummy in a crypt.
Said he, "Ol' Till'd* be with us thrill’d – had he been tighter lipp’d."    
     * Till Eulenspiegel, a trickster appearing in German folklore. 

He thought he saw a poker deck without a one-eyed Jack:
He looked again and found it was The Farmers' Almanac.
"What's there, "said he, "shall guarantee I hug the inside track." 

He thought he heard a justice cry, "This court doth stand adjourned":
He harked again and found it wasa crankie* being turned.
Said he," Amend I must the end, or else we'll all get burned!" 
     * A series of images on a panorama roll mounted inside a box and
scrolled across a viewing screen; the images often portray a story. 

He thought he saw a scientist denying climate change:
He looked again and found it was the New York Stock Exchange.
"That Wall Street guys should stoop to lies," said he. "I find that strange." 

He thought he saw the role of Hedwig in "...the Angry Inch":
He looked again and found it was, in fact, Ted Geisel's Grinch.
"Eccentrics both. Still, Seuss," he quoth, "shall suit me -- in a pinch!" 

He thought he saw the comet which had felled the dinosaurs.
He looked again and found it was a recipe for S'mores.
"'Tis clear," said he, "and plain to see that, when it rains, it pours." 

He thought he saw the blaze which burned Old Tucson Studios:
He looked again and found it was a fungus 'twixt his toes.
Said he, "For sure, this force majeure shows: 'When it rains, it po's!'"

He thought he saw his face reflected in a silvered plate:
He looked again and found it was a soaring int'rest rate.
"I'd hoped," said he, "to earn a fee. I fear I’m wa-a-ay too late!" 

He thought he saw -- or, rather, heard -- the music of the spheres:
he looked again and found it was a jury of his peers.
"Each sentence passed," said he, "must last for ten and three score years!" 

He thought he saw an ikura-and-avocado roll:
he looked again and found it was his neighbor's barber pole.
"Such cylinders my wife prefers," said he. "I don't do 'droll'!" 

He thought he saw the Nazarene, his savior Jesus Christ: 
he looked again and found it was a taco, mildly spiced. 
"I must," he said, "distrust this bread: 'tis wildly overpriced!" 

He thought he saw a detainee, one force-fed through a hose:
he looked again and found it was the young Durante's nose.
"'It’s not, I know, Guantanamo," he said, "which none can close!"*
     * Several mss show "...still, thar' she blows!" here. 

He thought he saw a Ghibelline astride a jackalope:
he looked again and found it was Pope Joan without her cope.
Said he, "That Guelf shall hang herself, allowed sufficient rope!" 

He thought he saw Mahatma Gandhi spinning at his wheel:
he looked again and found 'twas a McDonald's Happy Meal.
"I'd s'pposed, said he, "the Chocol'te Sri to’ve proved the better deal!" 

He thought he saw three loaves of wine, two jugs of bread...enow:
he looked again and found it was a priceless purple sow.*
Said he: "Good grief! Are pigs and beef exchanging places now...?"
     * The line alludes to Burgess's wishfully disavowed purple cow.

He thought he saw a UFO with slime-green landing lights:
he looked again and found it was unread Miranda rights.
Said he, "Their stay's for fourteen days...but only thirteen nights!" 

He thought he saw a croque monsieur prepared with Edam cheese:
he looked again and found it was his mother's beard of bees.
"Of late," said he, "I seem to see few forests...and no trees!"    

Our Magnificent Medicine Chest: Letter A

     "Please to 
fetch me an 'A,'" whimper'd 
"Jim" Smithe-Magee. "Not a
wink for a week! Would I 
waked headache free!" So, 'tis
upstairs I fly to ful-
fill Jim's request: fetch an
'A' -- "Right away!" -- from our 
medicine chest.
    Rests this
chest in our loo; it's un-
usu'lly big. Deep in-
side it we hide the odd 
thingamajig -- one to
do -- Yes! It's true! -- with the 
goal of my quest: to ob-
tain Jim an 'A' from our 
medicine chest.
     But how's
one to be sure it's an 
asp'rin that's meant when on
urgent emergency 
errands one's sent...? I re-
hears'd Jim's instruction as 
lavwards I press'd: "Procure
Jimbo an 'A' from our 
medicine chest..."
     At half-
canter I enter the 
darken'd "pissoir," light the
lamp, eye the chest, note its 
door: "'Tis ajar! Who's ar-
rived here ahead of me, 
plunder'd our nest and made
off with all 'A's from the 
medicine chest...?"
     Gone (or
stolen!): all aardvarks, all 
anvils, all almanacs.
Missing: all air-to-air 
missiles and anoraks...
and all the asp'rins, Jim's 
pressing request. Is there
nowt with initial 'A' 
left in our chest...?
     Then I
spot what proves not an 
apothec'ry's glass but a
fabulous abacus, 
fashion'd of brass. "Any
asp'rins," weigh I, "run, at 
best, second-best to such
abaci kept in our 
medicine chest."
     Then post
haste (if not sooner) I 
hustle, I rush (never
pond'ring who 'twas who'd ne-
glected to flush) out the
door, down the stair, back to 
Smithe-Magee -- lest...Jimbo
not net his need from our 
medicine chest.
     "Oh...that
headache: it split. See...I'm 
no longer tired," says Jim.
"Time now for play -- with the 
'B' that's required. My ob-
session with 'A's...? Just my 
joke; just my jest. What I
now need's a 'B' from our 
medicine chest!"

(More forays to come: a work in progress)