Improbable Understudies

What if this evening you happen to attend a widely acclaimed new operetta? 

And what if this evening the theatre manager's pre-overture announcement of a last-minute substitution in the cast happens to include the man's statement that the roles of a set of twins featured in the production -- twins with very similar-sounding, even identical-sounding, though by no means identically spelled, surnames -- would be sung in the approaching performance by their respective understudies? 

And what if that operetta happens to be a new production of a brilliant musical adaptation of one of Herge's lesser-known Tintin stories? 

And what if those roles happen to be the supporting ones of Thompson and Thomson, the Belgian boy reporter's comical look-alike colleagues? 

And what if those understudies happen to be Captain Matthew Flinders and Ms. Moll Flanders? 

And what if that theatre manager's announcement happens to lead on the following morning to a 72-point Variety headline screaming that two new stars are born? 

And what if that screaming Variety headline happens to read: 

"Flinders and Flanders ARE Thompson and Thomson"? 

And, if all this be so, how many similar 72-point Variety headlines might happen to wait in the wings? 

You decide -- using one or another of the variations on the theatre manager's announcement listed below. 

(And, in the meantime, hold the presses!)


"Ladies and gentlemen, in tonight's performance 
of Tintin Tours Tartarus the Musical, the roles of 
Thompson and Thomson will be sung by…

...Ms. Erika Bok and Herr Johann Sebastian Bach 
...Mr. John Candy and Mr. Mohandas Gandhi
...Ms. Margaret Cho and Mr. G. I. Joe

...Mr. Robert De Niro and the Emperor Nero
...Ms. Virginia Woolf and Mr. Howlin' Wolf
...Ms. Kay Thompson and Mr. Vigil Thomson

...Mr. Mel Torme and Ms. Marissa Tomei
...Mr. Jim Dandy and M. Vincent D'Indy
...Ms. Chita Rivera and Mr. Paul Revere

...Ms. Nell Gwyn and Mr. Fred Gwynne
...Captain Matthew Flinders and Ms. Moll Flanders
...Mr. Brad Pitt and Ms. Zasu Pitts

...Ms. Alice Liddell and Mr. Malcolm "X" Little
...Ms. Dinah Shore and Mr. Toots Shor
...Adm. Richard E. Byrd and Mr. Tweety Bird

...Mr. John Dough and Mrs. Jane Doe
...Mr Henry Stanley and Mr. Stan Lee
...Mr. J. M. Synge and Mr. Mahomet Singh 

...Ms. Nancy Reagan and Mr. Johnny Raygun 
...Mr. Wally ("Famous") Amos and Mr. Kingsley Amis 
...Chief Sitting Bull and Herr Heinrich Böll

...Mr. Edward Bear and Mr. Max Baer 
...Captain William Bligh and Mr. Robert Bly
...Ms. Tammy Faye Bakker and Mr. Dick "Two Ton" Baker

...Mr. Yul Ulu and Ms. Little Lulu 
...Mr. Joseph Bonanno and Senorita Chiquita Banana 
...Mr. Lawrence Olivier and Ms. Edna May Oliver

...Colonel Yuri Gagarin and Lady Gaga 
...Ms. Imogene Coca and Mr. James Coco 
...Mr. George Gobel and Herr Joseph Goebbels

...Mr. W. B. Yeats and Mr. Roscoe Ates 
...Mr. Frank Lloyd Wright and Mr. Right 
...Herr Thomas Männ and Mr. Spiderman

...Mr. Northrop Frye and Mr. Jud Fry
...Ms. Edie Adams and Mr. Chas. Addams 
...Ms. Marilyn Monroe and Mr. H. H. Munro

...Mr. Aidan Quinn and Mr. Willard Van Orman Quine
...Ms. Mata Hari and Ms. Debby Harry 
…Ms. Theda Bara and Mr. Yogi Berra

…Mrs. Laura Bush and Mr. August Busch
…Ms. Willow Bay and Mr. Turhan Bey
…Mme. Marie Curie and Mr. Finlay Currie

…Senora Celia Cruz and Mr. Tom Cruise
…Ms. Jeanne Crain and Mr. Hart Crane
…Ms. Barbie Doll and Mr. Roald Dahl

…Little Miss Echo and Mr. Umberto Eco
…Ms. Tina Fey and Mr. Michael Faye
…Ms. Nadia Gray and Mr. Zane Grey

…Ms. Lena Horne and Mr. Paul Horn
...Mr. Dollar Brand and Mr. Marlon Brando
...Ms. Joan Thursday and Mr. Floyd Thursby

…Mr. Harold Ickes and Mr. Dave Hickey
…Ms. Calamity Jane and Mr. Julian Jaynes
...Mr. Genghis Kahn and Mr. Sammy Cahn

…Herr Helmut Kohl and Ms. Natalie Cole
...Mr. Louis le Grand and Mr. Michel Legrand 
…Ms. Lois Lane and Mr. Frankie Laine

…Ms. Mary Lamb and Mr. Wifredo Lam
…Ms. Vivien Leigh and Mr. Pinky Lee
...M. Gustave Moreau and Mr. Vic Morrow 

…Ms. Mary Tyler Moore and Othello the Moor
...M. Charles Boyer and Chef Boyardee
...Mr. Jack Black and Mr. William Blake 

...Mr. W. E. B. Du Bois and Senors Los Lonely Boys
…Mr. Louie Nye and Mr. Bill Nighy
…Ms. Tatum O’Neal and Mr. Eugene O’Neill

...Mr. Juan Peron and Judge Jeanine Pirro 
…Ms. Kimberley Po and Mr. Edgar Allan Poe
…Mr. Anthony Quinn and Ms. Butterfly McQueen

…Mr. John Rambo and M. Arthur Rimbaud
…Ms. Rene Russo and M. Jean Jacques Rousseau
...Oberst Ernst Rohm and Mr. Tony Rome

…Ms. Rachel Ray and Mr. Alvino Rey
…Ms. Patti Smith and Mr. Ronald Eustace Psmith
…Mr. Louis Untermeyer and Mr. Samuel Untermeier 

…Ms. Missouri Vaun and Mr. Stevie Ray Vaughn
…Ms. Fay Wray and Mr. Man Ray
…Ms. Kelly Winn and Mr. Keenan Wynn

…Herr Max Weber and Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber
…Ms. Loretta Young and Herr Carl Gustav Jung
…Senor El Zorro and Mr. George Soros

Runcibl'd Spooners Love Their Mums

     Mother's Day's coming and RSs make 
a nice change from gladiolae and chocolates.
                                                       
Sing a song of sixpence,

a pocket full of rye.

NASA’s payload…? Key lime, mince:

a rocket full of pie.

     Moral:
Blackbirds in space...? Gimme a brace! 

*   *   *   *   *

Arechetype of Attic strife:

Oedipus Rex.

"Red" de Pooh, he had a wife:

"Red" de Pooh's Ex-.

     Moral:
Even kings take foolish flings.

Runcibl'd Spooners Head for the Picture Palace

      Let's get a mov(i)e on!

Gains the world but loses sled:    

Citizen Kane.

Ms. Cornell’s clean off her head...?

Kit is insane.

     Moral: 
Some Xanadu, some Xanadon't.

*   *   *   *   *

Bent unions longshoremen 
refuse to take part in:

On the Waterfront.

The Mexican stand-in 

for blacklisted marten...?

Juan the Otter Front.

     Moral:
His border wall's a Drumpfian quirk.
Be that as may, let's go to work!

Earth From Space (So They Say)

She were born in Debaqqamee, Handustan,

to two tough nuts from Lower deBoome --

or so I’ve been given 
to understand, driven

by works from the ballpoint of Hume.

She were rais’d in Toronto, Ontario,

in a household of Canada geese

who, engulf’d (past-due bills), 
soon bequeath’d their best quills

to a paperback writer in Greece.

As a child, 'midst the mists of mid-dimnights,
when Sargassos flow iciest cold,
she would slip from her bed, 
slip her slip o'er her head
and let rip: skinny dipping (I'm told). 

Retro Virus Verses or Cuomo's Complaint

C commences 
     ‘club-cast’ plu-pro-
          jections...

O opines: "It’s 
     ‘overstay’d’ its 
          time"...

V its 'viru-
     lence' vatici-
          nates (it's very 
               virulent)...

I...? ‘Infectious’ 
     (not ‘internal’ 
          rhyme)...

D denotes the 
     ‘distancing’ (a-
          social)...

19 months it 
     (vaccine) takes to 
          find...

Link 'em! They be 
     spelling ‘COVID-
          19.’

All shot to hell's my 
     New York state of 
          mind!

Red- and Blue-State Bunnies Frolic: Chemical Markers on a Large Grade A

"And now it's complete."
                     -- Ulysses Poe

A Rummy Nose

     "A nose is a terrible thing to blow." 

                                    -- Donald Rumsfeld

"You've got your known noses,

your unknown noses,

your known unnoses,

your unknown unnoses,
your runny noses,
your unrunny noses,
your runny unnoses
and your unrunny unnoses.

A Lazy Afternoon

Stitch liturgies re letter G...?
'Midst plethoras of lethargy...?

POTUS Pillories the Press Corps

    Dedicated to those members 
of the press corps who aren't here 
but should be...and soon shall.
    
"CNNer Kaitlan Collins
was, I'm told, a date of Stalin's.
ABC News Jon'than Karl...?
'That's not true,' Karl's prone to snarl."
     "Petty Shannon Pettypiece:

We'd better phone the truth police.

AP’s Jonathan Lemire…?

Oh, by the way, he's odd. And queer."

"News Hour biche Yamiche Alcindor:

Newsday ought to’ve Anne Boleyn’d ‘er.

Bloomberg News’s Justin Sink…?

The dext’rous Duke of Doublethink."

     "The Times’s Maggie Haberman.

A plu-unpleasant neighbor, man!

NPR gal Tam’ra Keith…?

Obtuse up top, zip underneath."

"The New York Times’s Peter Baker.

Hold the muck: ol’ Pete'll rake 'er.

CBS’s Paula Reid…?

I think I, with her, did the deed."

     "Bezos boyo Philip Rucker.

Like his boss, another sucker.

Fake News WaPo’s Ashley Parker…?

Brother Bezos' side show barker."

"New York Times’s Michael Shear.

The failing pub’s fail'd pamphleteer.

A U R N’s April Ryan:

Lyin’ Brian Williams’ scion."

     "The New York Times’s Annie Karni.

Who knew Jews to broadcast blarney…?

Reuters Jimmy Oliphant:

Can or can't he cut the cant…?"

"Peter, Peter Alexander!

Soon I’ll sue his ass for slander.

Ms. O’Donnell (christen’d Kelly)…?

Too true blue for prime-time telly."

     "Fox News Radio’s Jon Decker.

One pontificating pecker.

Fox News Channel’s Kevin Cork.

Part-time putz and full-time dork."

     "Roberts, John. Acosta, Jim.

I cannot stomach eith’rof him.

Welker, Kristen. Jackson, Hallie.

Much preferr’d…? A campaign rally."

     "CBS’s Major Garrett.

Ignoramus -- 14-caret.

Press corps! Please leave me alone!

And where’s my freakin’ Roy M. Cohn…?"

A Mixology Briefing from the Bartender-in-Chief

     It's Fallback Friday. Pick his poison!

"I tell my base in rampant candor:

'Try my Brandy Purexander!'

Flat out stuff the ballot box...

then try my Clorox on the Rocks!

For giving virus rumors rest,

my Piña Colalysol’s best.

And, no! I don't know Mussolini.

Meantime, try my Boratini!"

     Coda

"My hunch...? A touch of indigestion's
 actin' up. Still...no more questions."

Limericks in the Light of COVID

Lewis Carroll’s kid, Coventry, asks,

“At mad tea parties, must we wear masks…?”

The lad’s daddy replies,

“He who doesn't don dies.

He who does in beamoshity basks.”

Mervyn Peake's son (a offspring call'd Pikes)...?
The most id'osyncratic of tykes:
he's injecting himself
with chlorine off the shelf.
Have you ever heard tell of the likes...?

Limerickyricardo

     Here's an example of a verse form named 
after a county in Ireland and featuring a fellow 
from a county in England who penned some.

Edward Lear sires one daughter, call'd Shanda.
Fixing fruit hats for Carmen Miranda,
does she tell her dad that
she's "re-pear'd" her last hat
'less she, too's, 'llow'd to sing with the band...? Duh! 

Verse Brief, Illustrated (World's Second Shortest Poem)

          ...and yet...

Pairs Not Pomaceous

One pair of Chutes (one spells his ‘Shute’)

once shared one pair of parachutes.

The two proved resolute, to boot:

they’d wear, unair’d, wet Wellie boots.

“A couple o' parabolas,”

declares one pair of gabb(e)lers,

“results in psychobabble from

most mathematics dabb(e)lers.”

One pair of Bulls, one day in shul,

declar’d one pair of parables.

One’s Mike; one’s Scott. Pay heed and you’ll

hear bells not toll’d at tractor pulls.

One pair of grins – one’s yang, one’s yin –

once graced one pair of peregrines.

“Good morning, Minh.” “How fare thee, Flynn…?”

(If frowns such clowns wear, no one wins.)

One pair of pets were order’d, “Get

thee b’yond yon pair of parapets!”

Their fate…? No fetes. (Here, on cassette,

view “Tigh ‘n’ Tigger’s Death Duets.”)

One pair of Sauls (whose…? Montreal’s)

installs one pair of parasols.

Just who plants whose none now recalls,

nor were there pressing protocols.

One pair of dice – much-needed spice –

Eve’d introduce in Paradise.

“S-s-s-so: you’d entice…? Heed Asp’s advice.

One uns-s-s-sliced apple sh-sh-shall s-s-s-suffice.”

One pair of Moores one can’t ignore

once took one pair of paramours,

new senses ceding (veil’d before)

to turns of phrase like “two-by-fours.”

      * One early manuscript shows

“cellar doors” here. Another has

 “parquet floors.” Both are early.

One pair of graphs (can one but laugh...?)

attempts one pair of paragraphs

to paraphrase, though just one half

proves readable; the other’s chaff.

One peer of Keats (from l’hommes d’elites)

repeats one pair of parakeets’

loquacity: “Too-wheet, too-wheet!”

(L’eclairess’ment: “What’s shakin,’ Sweets…?”)

One pair of docs (one Groucho mocks)

apparently’s one paradox:

The short one’s wily as an ox.

The shorter…? Dumber than a fox!

Two pairs of dimes – amalgams I’m

to view as pairs of paradigms:

financial fall guys for tough times –

now fail, I fear, to “k’ching!” my chimes.

One pair of Finns did, for their sins,

smear pairs of beards with paraffins.

That each bears pairs of double chins

diminish’d ethane-damaged skins.

Of all accounts of pairs of mounts

in Lit, which pair be paramount…?

If Silver Rosinant’ surmounts,

does Dapple Tonto’s Scout discount…?

Do “noids” of Freud’s wax overjoy’d,

annoying pairs of paranoids…?

Of pity Sigmund proves devoid,

while Anna schizoids now avoids.

One pair of lies (who’ll pose the “why…?”s...?)

will petrify and paralyze.

The first…? That God bestrides the skies.

The second…? That She prophesies.

One pair of Rays (so someone says)

twin virelays in paraphrase

determine to compose…in days!

Fiasco…? Let me count the ways.

One pair of sites sits train’d tonight

upon one pair of parasites.

Before they flee (go left, flow right),

let fly…and nuke their leukocites!

One pair of Ds (thus: PAR-OD-DY)

misspells completely ‘parodies’

and orthographic’lly ODs…

unless one’s speaking Parrotese.

One pair of cleats to prink two feet,

one each for pairs of Paracletes.

Two’d be taboo; yet still they’re fleet.

Pete poach'd the pair. (Pete always cheats.)

One pair of blasts, one day long past,

destroy’d one pair of parablasts.

One film crew on the scene was gass’d.

Press sketches…? None like Nast’s nor Chast’s.

One pair of cells, one chemist tells,

invade one pair of paraceles

within one’s brain, where – swell! – they’ll swell,

until one’s hearing “boids ‘n’ bells.”

Who’ll swear to share au pairs – in pairs –

with Herr Moliere…? Au pairs like theirs

could care for heirs of trillionaires.

(Their nightmares…? Or their answered prayers…?)

A pair of guys (I tell no lies!)

discovered pairs of Paraguays.

The one…? A tropic paradise.

The other…? Shades of Paris skies.

Parameters…? I don’t know yours,

but mine rate pairs of amateurs

who’re fabricating haut coutures.

(One hopes that “off-the-rack” endures.)

Paracelsus Hohenheim,

a Swiss physician friend of mine,

says, “On one pair o’ seltzas dine

each day. ‘Twill keep ya feelin’ fine.”

'-Oy'phabet: an Abecedarial Decade

At ABCs, girl, I’m your boy --

gilt-edged, world-class, the real McCoy.

Heads up! Achtung! Take heed! Ahoy!

as I some twenty-six deploy.

An A fronts ‘Arundhati Roy.’

A B initiates ‘bok choy.’

A C gives birth to ‘corduroy.’

A D begins (sans ‘t’) ‘Detroi-.’

Edging forward, I employ

both E and F for ‘Eddie Foy.’

A G, in Yiddish, opens ‘goy’

plus half of Boorman’s “Hope and Glo’y.”

An H initials ‘hoi polloi’

and ‘Helen’ (formerly of Troy).

I takes the lead in ‘Illinois.’

(It also sets up ‘Iroquois.’)

A J…? It’s just to jump-start ‘joy.’

A K begins not ‘carp’ but ‘koi.’

An L…? ”The Thin Man”’s Myrna Loy.

An M heads Beckett’s play “Molloy.”

Annoyingly, N’s not for ‘noy,’

but O (sans ‘l’) opes ‘Olive Oy-.’

A P prompts Rumpole’s ‘Pomeroy.’

Q leads, not ‘Matsu,’ just ‘Quemoy.’

An R initiates ‘Rob Roy.’

An S inaugurates ‘St. Croix’

and stomps its impress on ‘Savoy.’

It takes two Ts to ‘Tinker Toy.’

A U starts ‘Ubu Roi.’ (Think “Roy.”)

A V…? V launches ‘Vic-e-roy.’

To kick off ‘weiner’ (saveloy),

A W you must deploy.

An X prompts…not much. (As a ploy,

friends recommend the word ‘xystoi.’)

A Y leads ‘yo un nino soy.’

(From where I sit that’s “I’m your boy.”)

Last, lest these crambos start to cloy

(or worse: to thoroughly annoy),

a Z originates ‘Zoy Zoy.’

Now...let me hear your “Atta boy!”!

The Ballade of Bill Ding: Verses Written Under the Influence of Carroll's "The Hunting of the Snark"

    (Does one, despite one's wandering
through PlaysWell, ever hear Bill sing...?) 

 

‘Twas sev'ral years ago last Spring,

when bygone times were still "the thing"...

               ...and mulling ‘em was in full swing.

               I’d tired of reading Deng Xiaoping...

  



...and Dr. Martin Luther King

when, practicing my highland fling,

               I met a man call'd William Ding.

               Bill's coat – pale wenge, a coloring...

...like nutmeg more than anything --

had suffer'd stubborn static cling.

               Bill's diction bore a certain ring,

               a slang I’d slung when visiting...

 ...a cordage shop in Old Peking,

in search of high-grade yoyo string.

               As I stood eyeing Mr. Ding,

               he faded -- like a bathtub ring.

                                 No matter what your morrows bring,

                                 I doubt you'll spot an odder thing. 
                                 

These Times They Are Some Changelings!

Now’s the best and worst of times; indeed, the blest and curs'd of times; the William Randolph Hearst of times:

the best and worst of times.

Now’s the worst and best of times; the empty feather’d nest of times; the faulty COVID test of times:

the worst and best of times.

The Deutsches Currywurst of times; the largely unrehears’d of times; the never reimburs’d of times:

the best and worst of times.

At best, the second-best of times; i.e., the anapest of rhymes; the jester (overdress’d) of mimes:

the worst and best of times.

The “tots 'n' kids eat first” of times; the “shopp'd until I burst” of times; “My wallet’s gone! Unpurs’d!” of times:

the best and worst of times.

Oyez, de woists ‘n’ bests o’ times; the “How d’you like my breasts…?” of times; “Come up and see Mae West!” of times:

the worst and best of times.

The craven rave and thirst of times; the “Durst I…? Yeah, I durst!” of times; the “Yet again, coerced” of times:

the best and worst of times.

Quixote’s gloried quest of times…?; The "...West, young man! Go West!” of times…? Nope! “Halt! You’re und’rarrest!” of times:

the worst and best of times.

“At Freedom’s breast we’re nurs’d” of times; the ”See Amer’ca first!” of times; “Once more, my bubble’s burst!” of times:

the best and worst of times.

The uninvited guest of times; "Your vest remains unpress’d” of times; “Is this some kind of jest…?” of times:

the worst and best of times.

The ”dead, embalm’d 'n' hears’d” of times; the “poorly prosed 'n' versed” of times; en fin, the Fanny Hurst of times:

the best and worst of times.

The “stress’d from being ‘Yes-s-s-s’d’” of times; the “get it off your chest” of times; the “dying unconfess’d” of times:

the worst and best of times.

Auf Deutsches, "eben erst” of times; the “Bellhop of Amherst” of times; the “bought and paid-for jur’st” of times:

the best and worst of times.

The Digby and Beau Geste of times; the “rhymed at my behest” of times; the “Let's give this a rest!” of times:

the worst and best of times.