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Friday, July 26, 2019

Texts I Probably Won't Read

Alumni donation solicitation letter including multiple enclosures on which my name is misspelt – each time differently -- and on which my assigned graduation class is incorrectly indicated

Blog entry posted by Ms. Mittens, Aunt Hortense's uppity angora 

Credits following any of the last several Rocky movies 

Doctoral dissertation rigorously detailing certain modal irregularities observed by the candidate in several medieval Frankish Kyries 

Edda designed for freshman Medieval English Lit class, entitled "Eigil's Eighty Eight Epic Exploits"

Fortune cookie insert employing typeface designed to look like Chinese characters

Government warning label outlining penalties for its removal sewn onto new rumpus room throw pillows

Hate mail addressed to 'Current Occupant'

Instruction manual (in German) for my ex-wife’s deceased Uncle Carl's reel-to-reel wire recorder 

Junk mailings mistakenly delivered to neighbor and regularly returned to me by him

KKK regional quarterly newsletter 

Letter from Santa thanking young Timmie for “the yummy milk and cookies”

Message in half-empty Thums Up bottle

Notae bene 

Original Sanskrit vegan recipes listing 99 things to do with chickpeas 

Palimpsests 

Quiz notes found in high-school yearbook from 1947 

Russian translation of…anything 

Secret decoder ring message detailing how to order secret decoder ring

To-do list of mine from last year jotted just prior to my myocardial infarction

Underwater-readable ransom note 

Voyager golden record currently exiting the solar system (facsimile) 

Warning label on edible crayons manufactured in North Korea

“Xmas Greetings from Topeka” family newsletter (in green ink on red stock) from cousin Bela’s black Lab.

“You may already be a winner” direct mail envelope

Zen koan incorporated into geranium tattoo on blind date’s left bicep

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