A Southern Strategy

Y’all’s paper smothers rocks…?
Y’all asphyxiate y’all’s brother.
Y’all’s rocks dismantle scissors…?
Y’all cry, “Boulders be my druther.”
Y’all’s scissors sever paper…?
Y’all’s one newsprint-piercin’ mother.
But…unless y’all’d suffer mutual destruction,
yaw no futher!

Re: The Rhymeless

      Re: Rachel Maddow

Who's busy droppin' 
aitches…? 
Some horse revealin' 
raches…?*
Some cow concealin' 
naches…?**
Nope: Maddow (i.e., 
Rache') is!*** 
     * A streak on the beak
    ** A bump on the rump 
    *** The woman did study at Oxford

     Re: Michael Pollan

That's rich – buyin' rhymes for 
'arugula.'
Mr. Pollan’s both lavish 
and frugal, huh…?

     Re: Sancho and the Don

I'm quizzin' Quixote, 
"What rhymes, Don, with 
'purple'…?"
when suddenly Sancho, 
astride Dapple's 
curple,*
opines, "Don’t ask Don: 
his brain's halt; he'll but 
hirple.**
Snaps Don: "Pacé, Panza, 
or suffer my 
nurple!"***
     * The hindquarters of a horse or, 
in this case, a very gentle donkey. 
     ** To walk with a limp; to drag a limb; 
to hobble 
     *** A portmanteau of 'purple' and 'nipple' 
(It's clear the Don is a bit of a bully.) 

     Re: Faegheh Atashin

G'oosh: you're rife with rhymes for 
'woman' -- 
you who weighs your wage in 
toman.* 
     * Iranian singer Ms. Atashin, aka 
Googoosh, surely remembers the toman, 
a Persian gold coin. 

   Re: William Inge

Please say it once 
more, Inge:
"There are rhymes for 
'orange.'"*
     * One being 'Blorenge,' referring to a hill
in southeast Wales.

     Re: Sir William Walton

You'll search – oh, yes, you 
will -- fer
more words to rhyme with 
'silver.' *
     * There is, of course, 'chilver,' meaning
a ewe lamb.

     Re: A. A. Milne

I can find no rhymes for 
'kiln.'*
Does the bear know any, 
Milne…? 
     * If 'kiln' is pronounced with the 'n' 
silent, a partially similar versified query 
can be addressed to young Eulenspiegel 
of musical merry pranks fame.

     Re: Tom Brokaw

You who'd find a rhyme for 
'plankton': 
do quiz Brokaw, bloke from 
Yankton.

     Re: Genesis’s Noah

Pair the rhymeless word 
'midst'…?
Surely, Noah, thou 
didst.

     Re: Robert Moog as Bob the Builder

Do you need a rhyme for 
'plinth'…?
Bob will build one...on his 
synth.

"The More Things Change..." Dept., or Has POTUS Experienced an Unreported Neurological Episode?

     I 
Nixon from the Oval: 
"Am I a crook...? Not I!"
Drumpf from bed at Walter Reed: 
"I cannot tell a lie."

     II 
Nixon! The man was a dick.
Tricky Dick was a Milhouse besides.
Drumpf, who'd be don,
was, moreover, a john.
Ask those sundry seducees he hides.

Ukraine Upload: Tercets Plus Refraine

     'Migraine' in the third verse below should 

be pronounced as it is in the UK, namely, 

"mee-graine." Drumpf, were he to recognize 

the word at all, would doubtless, as the verses 

suggest, opt for the 'my-graine'

pronunciation (emphasis on the "my") -- this 

because everything falling within his myopic 

purview he perceives as somehow being all, 

and only, about him.  

Bordering Russia...? Ukraine.
(They'd prefer you pronounce it 'U-kraine.') 
"Hearing 'U-kraine's too paineful," Kyiv's sayin'e.
(By the way, let me say: Drumpf's insaine!) 

Drumpf's refraine...? "ME!kraine!" (Drumpf's so urbaine.)
"If you must mispronounce," he'll explaine,
"just say 'WEkraine.' Or simply abstaine."
(I urge all to recall: Drumpf's insaine!) 

Where's that "'hands 'cross the sea'-laines" campaigne...?
Quid pro quos set in motion migraine.
(Of Ukraine Drumpf's now proven the baine.
All who meet him repeat: Drumpf's insaine!)

Promis'd Jav'lins Drumpf opts to detaine.
"Dirt on Joe...? Volo's * job to obtaine,"
thunders Drumpf in a "tit for tat" veine.
(Once againe, the refraine: Drumpf's insaine!)

     * Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine

Shakespeare's Sonnets

Shakespeare's sonnets...? 
William wrote one hundred fifty four.
Shakespeare soon hits
each aesthetic target -- that and more.   
Shakespeare's 'sonics'...?
Sometimes sub'd for 'sonnets' heretofore. 
Shakespeare's son...? It's 
Hamnet, is it not...? (Bill's boy's a bore.)
'Soon hits,' 
'sonics,' 
'son...? It's,' 
'sonnets':
Bill, you're so-o-o-o-o the whore!

Shakespeare's sonnets...?
De rigueur in Avon, Bath and Reading. 
Shakespeare's so nuts 
he bequeath's his wife substandard bedding.
Shakespeare's suin' Nats 
third baseman Noll, a trial Jake's dreading.
Shakespeare's sane. It's 
Pound who's nuts. (D'you see where this is heading...?)
'So nuts,' 
'suin' Nats,' 
'sane. It's,' 
'sonnets':
White-coat men: Get netting!  

Shakespeare's sonnets 
celebrate the girl of Willie's dreams.
Shakespeare's Senate's 
chockablock with Caesarcides, it seems.
Shakespeare's sand gnats
fill his flat; with stinging flies it teems.
Shakespeare's sea nets
mahi-mahi, carp and gilt-head breams.
'Senate's,' 
'sand gnats,' 
'sea nets,' 
'sonnets':
Which unknowns...? Which memes...?

Shakespeare's sonnets
so impress'd the poet's maw and paw.
Shakespeare's sign outs-
ide his house: "Kings...? Not above the law." 
Shakespeare's sun hats...? 
Made in Myanmar -- braided hemp or straw.
(Shakespeare's Sioux...? Not s-
een in any play of Will's. Search Shaw.)* 
'Sign outs-,' 
'sun hats...?.' 
'Sioux...? Not s-,' 
'sonnets':
Some stick in my craw.

Shakespeare's sonnets
fill up fourteen lines aka parts.
Shakespeare's song hits...?
"Me, Oh, My Ophelia" climb'd the charts.
Shakespeare's sanit-
ary napkin play no critic hearts.
Shakespeare's sin etc-
etera…? The Bard's tempestuous farts.
'Song hits,' 
'sanit-,' 
'sin etc-,' 
'sonnets':
Will's back where he starts.

Friday Observation

A Mercedes Benz.
A Studebaker brakes.
Merci! Dee spends,
while Stu d'Baykre breaks.
Merde! See dese 'pain's...?*
Tho' stew'd, our baker bakes.
(Mon Dieu! There tends
to be a quake of takes.)
     *Apparently a French baker 

Arkwear or Do Dudes Don Duds When Come the Floods?

Noted Noah one day, “Hard rain's headin' our way. Come on, creatures: embark! Board my boat!
Leave thy liv'ry behind. Thy shalt need none, thy’ll find. Drop thy hat! Drop thy drawers! Drop thy coat!

But those beasts answer'd, “No! Without duds, we're 'no show'.” (Though the weeds each would wear weren’t too haut.)

But, in lieu of ado, let me ABC you through the glad rags each did opt to tote.

The anthropoid apes air'd their crinoline capes. Twin Argentine ants danced in corduroy pants.

At first, both the ‘gators donn'd heavyweight waders, which, later, they hitch'd up with RAF gaiters.

The brown bears and boars boasted toreadors. Two bumblebee bats pranced in Panama hats.

(As predicted, three kittens misplaced pairs of mittens, though calico cats did wear knitted cravats.)

Caribbean coots laced up lumberjack boots. Both the crabs and the cooties cavorted in booties.

Did donkeys and ducks sport their kicks – Keds or Chucks...? Yep! (And dogs and dugongs slipped on sexy sarongs.)

The elephant seals wore eleven-inch heels, while those fashion-plate frogs wore a medley of togs.

The guppies and gnus grabb'd their formal dress blues as gorillas and gophers wore each others’ loafers.

Where did horses and herons find used Donna Karans...? (Iguanas – and I – bore bandanas…sans tie.

And while just the one mouse donn'd her button-down blouse, sev’ral (two!) kangaroos vamped in Vera Wang shoes.) 

But of course: Minke whales dressed in white tie and tails, and the Andean llamas wore flannel pajamas.

The marmoset pair had re-tinted their hair, while the two malamutes killed…in seersucker suits.

One moose told the mules: “Wear the family jew'ls!” Then the other moose fancied a Berber burnoose.

As per usual, newts wore new custom-cut suits. And, as ever, the owls donn'd Dominican cowls.

The parrots and pigs wore extensions and wigs. Quails...? The female came veil'd; the male trotted out tail’d.

Rats and rabbits wore sabots. The she-goat...? A pea coat. The skinks, like the skunks, swann'd in flip-flops and trunks.

The salmon and smelts wore their karate belts. Snarks and snipes and such types vamp'd in vertical stripes.

Sev’ral tsetses gave shout, calling stripes “too far out…” Thence each ended up dress'd in their Sabbath-day best.

The umbrella birds wore what, just two days before, each had bought at Goodwill: some nice herringbone twill.

The vicunas came dress'd in their “his-‘n’-hers” vests – while the two wolverines donn'd distress'd denim jeans.

The xanthareel’s clothes featured deftly placed bows, while the Yorkies and yaks model'd gabardine slacks.

And the Zimmermann’s shrew did what all the rest knew the young rascal would do: he came nude. Wouldn't you...?

Coda

Yes, the stark-naked shrew, with her dishabill'd pup,
situated herself in a measuring cup
and remain'd on the main...till the waters dried up.

Errors in Alphabetical Order...in Alphabetical Order

A puts ‘a little bit’ under ‘the weather.’
B pegs ‘bassoon sounding’ lower than ‘flute.’
C stores ‘conducting my’ post ‘mortem, Mortimer.’
D hangs ‘desire’ under 'elms.' (Too, too cute...?)

E installs ‘eggs (brown, farm-fresh)’ over ‘easy.’
F places ‘far’ above ‘Cuyoga’s waters.’
G fixes ‘get thee’ behind ‘me, O Satan.’
‘H’ before ‘B…U…T'…? Sure! (Farmer's daughters.)

I settles ‘I’ve got you’ under ‘my skin.’ 

J parks ‘June 's bustin’ out’ over ‘all over…’

‘Kilimanjaro’ K ranks above ‘Everest.’
L...? ‘Lies’ below -- just! -- ‘the surface of clover.’

M...? ‘Mind’ (or ‘move’) over ‘matter’ (or ‘darling’).
N lodges ‘no one laughs’ later than ‘Loki.’
O lays ‘one’ over ‘the cuckoo’s nest flew.’

P sticks ‘performing’ on top of ‘Old Smokey.'

Q quarters 'quit' prior to 'getting arrested.'

R assigns 'right here' in front of 'my eyes.'

S stations 'sit' in the back of 'the bus.'

T's planting 'thyme' after 'time' -- a surprise.

Above 'the world so high' U allocates 'up.'
V lodges 'Vincent van Gogh' o'er 'the top.'
W sets 'well" well above 'the speed limit.'
X casts 'Xemena Duque's' leading 'man.' (Stop!)

Y lays 'yet wave' o'er 'the land of the free.'
Z puts 'ziggurat found' above 'underground tomb.'
What's needed, some say...? Just new software. I say
what is needed's a new typographical broom.

Black, Brown & Beige Broadway

The Great White Way is out. So: what’s in….?

Out: Forty-Second Street     
In: One Hundred and Forty Second Street

Out: Show Boat     
In: Sho’Nuf Boat

Out: Candide         
In: Farrakhandide

Out: A Tree Grows In Brooklyn         
In: A Negro...? In Brookline...?

Out: Jesus Christ, Superstar         
In: Jesus Lopez! Superfly!

Out: Oklahoma!         
In: OklaHomie! 

Out: Kismet           
In: Kiss the 'Hood Goodbye!

Out: Funny Girl         
In: Funky Girlfren’

Out: On A Clear Day You Can See Forever 
In: On Career Day You Can See the Custodian’s Closet 

Out: The Phantom of The Opera         
In: De Fans, Dey Love Dare Oprah

Out: Into the Woods         
In: Outta Da 'Hoods! 

Out: The Iceman Cometh         
In: Ice-T’s on Meth

Out: Mame!     
In: Mammy!

Out: Damn Yankees          
In: Frickin’ Honkies

Out: An American in Paris         
In: Afro-Americans in Pairs

Out: Hello, Dolly     
In: Wha’ Zup, LaToya...?

Out: Rent 
In: Rant! 

Out: The Color Purple         
In: De Color’d Peeples

Out: Anyone Can Whistle         
In: Many Bloods Pack Pistols

Out: Man Of La Mancha     
In: You Da Man, LaMar, Ain’cha...? 

Out: 110 in the Shade         
In: A Hundred 'n' Ten Different Shades

Out: The King and I         
In: Don King Is High!

Out: Annie Get Your Gun         
In: Brandy Grab Yer Glock

Fake News

The young North Korean recently filmed in the act 
of defecting to the South is named Ho Li Cao.

'Elvis Lives!' = 'Permanent Presley.'

On Monday a sign was spotted below a basket of 
free bread outside a Bombay bakery reading: 
“Have a loaf! It’s better than naan.”

Who takes to her bed with some ST disease
so’s to not help me bang out my new vocalise…?
It’s my Muse, while I cry, “I’d so hoped, if ‘twould please,
you’d have taught me new tunes using only black keys.”
.
Translation etcet'ra sets tasks Herculean --
e.g., "raison 'wet're" ain’t "reason for peein'."  .

Which conjunction do grammarian/logicians favor more...? 

Is it an 'and' or is it an 'and/or'...? (Or is it only 'or'...?)

Gaelic Roots

     Macadamia 
Motel in-room snack bar nut or toxin frackin’ Fido’s gut.*
     * Macadamias are apparently toxic to dogs.  

     MacBeth 
Toney Tony-winning part or tough transgender's nom-de-tart.

     McCormick 
Baltimorons' spice vendeur or 'mick'…or 'Mac.' (Seems no one’s sure.)

     McDuck 
Grasping geezer, Loon de Loot or Ebenezer, cast as coot.*
     *  A canvasback or gallinule or bufflehead – but no one’s fool

     Macedonia 
Where Phillip* plants his totem pole or country tasked with crowd control.** 
     * The Man of Macedonia, of course 
     ** Cf recent refugee crisis at Greek border

     McFries 
Slipp'ry slope towards childhood lard or poorly spelt 'McFlies.' (Canard!)  

     MacGuffin 
Hitchcock movie plot technique or letters from my 'muffin' leak.*
     * I.e., an ‘a,’ a ‘c’ and a ‘G’ dropped from ‘MacGuffin’ leave ‘muffin.’

     MacHu (Picchu) 
Abandon'd Incan real estate or Irish sneeze. (Gesundheit, mate!)

     McIntosh 
Apple breed, or leakproof coat or Gael immersed in nonsense quote.*
     * Mc in 'tosh'

     Mick Jagger 
UK knighthood candidate* or packhorse manager’s work state.
     * I.e., Sir Mick  
     ** In England the owner or manager of a pack of horses was called a jagger.

     MacKinac 
Island in a Huron Lac or relatives of Mac call’d ‘Ac.’ 

     McLean 
Virginia home to CIA or new McDonald's meal. (No way!)

     McMansions 
Nouveau-riche “garage mahal" or (sans 'i') Erse M.,* C.,** et al.***
     * I.e., Marilyn, the rocker   ** I.e., Charles, the nutter   
     *** I.e., other members of the so-called “Manson family.”

     MacNutt 
Dude dubb’d Boob (Rube's* handiwork) or laptop user's Apple quirk.
     * I. e., Goldberg.  

     McCoy 
Star Fleet officer named "Bones" or how a Jew from Galway moans.

     MacPherson (Strut) 
Suspension system in fine cars or move on "Dancin' With Scots Stars."

     McQueen 
Prissy to Leigh's Scarlett O'* or Irish guy in gay floor show.
     * I. e, Butterfly

     McRib 
Sandwich made with barbie’d pork or baby's bunk from Leith or Cork.*
     * I.e., Mac Crib.

     McSweeney's 
Innovative publishing,
or "What-if-Todd-were-Irish…?" thing. 

     ("Soap") MacTavish 
"Call of Duty" go-to guy or suds for Irish drip 'n' dry. 

    MacUlar (Degeneration) 
Age-related loss of sight or Quarter Pounder burger blight.

     McVeigh 
Homely home-grown terror bird* or Irish “Oy! Vey!” spelt absurd.
     * I.e., Oklahoma bomber Timothy.

     MaxWell (House) 
Caffeine good to final drop or where Mac plops his mops to sop.*
     * I.e., Mac's well house.  

    MaXimilien 
Major "Reign of Terror"ist”* or beaucoup bucks within one's fist.**
     * I.e., Robespierre   ** I.e., maxi million

      MacY's: 
Sponsor of that big parade or Irish inn where young men stay'd.*
     * A Dublin YMCA.

     MCZSGT: 
Sgt. "Jim"'s* own CAPTCHA word or letter salad – shaked and stir’d.
     * That’s Sgt. N. (“Jim”) Smithe-Magee (the N stands for ‘(k)Nack)