"As you haul coals to Newcastle..." The Zweisodes of Pippindar: A Nonsense Alphabet in Rhyme

A 

As you haul coals to Newcastle, 
might you, por moi, 
amass aardvarks to sell 
in Abel-Beth-Maacah? * 

    * Biblical sources mention a wise woman who dwelt there but make none of a live-animal market. 

B 

Be he t(hr)ower of babble? 
Blame (sob!) my bum habit, 
my culpa! But Barrymore's bro’s 
been a babbit!”

C 

Encore, Jorge Luis Borges! 
Cor de l'Argentine eez Jor: Heez 
cris de coeur enhances stories 
cach'd een Chechen Cacci'tores! 

D/E 

When AM added Daddy-O,* 
deft DJ, to my rahd-i-o, 
they proved: extending feelers 
yields emcees instead of spielers.
        * Chicago radio personality Holmes Daylie (1920-?) 

F 

Affairs o' the fart 
felt in far-off terrains
fetch foul redolence – and 
faintly visible stains.

G 

Giggl’ing, one Googles, 
“three gaggles o' geese,” 
crying, "Larry* and Sergey*: 
please leave me in peace!"
      * Larry Page and Sergey Brin, founders of Google 

H 

‘High-hat,’ ‘high-hand,’ ‘high-
horse,’ ‘high holy days...’ 
'high-'…HAH! (A case of 
“damn'd with tainted ‘frase’”)

I 

Invoking my μους-, I 
(no Greek) sue for news: 
“Ανδρα μαλαπολλ' εννεπα μοι…” 
It's Achilles? Nope! Showies- 
and-tellies insist Hellene 
Ilii* (Helen of Troy).
        * Genitive singular of 'Ilium.' 

J 

My menage during haj during 
Raj (just for fun) 
stanched my stutter. Of "...jej-jej...jej-
june…" all heard none.

K 

let's kill the tax on 
Nico’s Delft or Spode. 
Just kick Nic’s knickknacks' taxes 
down the road.

L 

Aboard the good ship Lollypop, all’s good. 
(Such sacch'rin smarm's the stuff of songs of Shirl's.*) 
Let's, suckers, cease! Let's stop all Sucker Suck-Ins! 
Such sucking leaves obese, balloon-like girls.
     * Shirley Temple

M/N 

Your pharaoh dies, befriends my goat -- 
the pair grows fairly chummy. 
Then Nurse and Mommy make a film: 
"The Nanny Meeps The Mummy."

O 

The Fool shall not 
for Mongoose vouch, 
but Cobra choose? 
That's odd. that's...OUCH!

P 

Pollute Pa's porridge?
Prime Pop's pot? 
Please stop! Put in plu- 
'pepper'...not! 

Q: Go west? Not if you know what's m-m-m, m-m-m, good for you. 

Quick! Go east on that 
Qarghaliq-Qaraqum Trail!* 
Get fair Bar-B-Q'd Coq...
and good Bar-B-Q'd Quail.
     * The direction travelled (ENE, roughly) between two Chinese cuisine hotspots.

R 

I.S.O. route 
or ring road warrior? 
Best request 
the Brothers Boyer!* 
        * S. James, 9, and A. Zane, 7 1/2 (ages, not jackboot sizes)

S 

All at sea in Seas Sargasso, 
sailors may request a lasso. 
Sassafras's gas shall pass, 
but schlusselfiedels?* "Such a ass!" **
       * Kinds of hurdy-gurdy     **Pace, Mr. Dickens.

T 

Kitt's kit? That pattern’s 
known as tattersall. 
But I’ve left torn 
these knit togs -- tatters, all.

U: 'Uacuus'? Ablative singular for something, surely. 

I'd figured I'd bagged me 
a gnu, up until 
I'd looked under the fur 
and found you, Uncle Phil!

V 

"Vav-vav-...vav...a vav-...va-v-...vavoom!" 
We hear this stutter! But from whom? 
It’s Dr. D-cup, I presume -- 
she of the fabulous ba-zoom.

W: Perhaps the window washer did it. 

Who? 'Twas Woodrow Wilson's widow. 

Where? Near Wicklow West. What? Dead.

When? The clues suggested Wednesday. 
Whew! (We won't ask, "Why?") How? Bled. 

X 

Mix xanthoma with rosacea: 
the resulting skin disease 
is what -- when six xiphopagi repaint 
the xerox room -- one sees.

Y 

To marry your mother 
so many years back? 
My mistake (don't talk back!): 
blame my yackety yak!

Z 

They sang "Zizzi-zizzi-...!" yesterday 
and "...boom-boom-aay!" today. 
What shall zyzzogetons* sing tomorrow? 
None but they can say.
        * The very last word -- in South American leaf hoppers and in my pocket dictionary.