As of today it appears likely that Citizen Drumpf will be indicted for one or
more of a whole host of crimes. Furthermore, based on the Everests of evidence
gathered and presented by the January 6th Select Committee, it's difficult to
imagine any scenario in which the former PotUs could be found innocent.
Therefore, once the all-but-inevitable guilty verdict is handed down, and in
light of the fact that The Donald has so often selected his own judges and his
own facts, surely it would be only fair to afford Herr Hair the opportunity to select
his own sentence. When sentencing day arrives, then, Mr. D. will be presented by
the DOJ with a Spinometer similar to the one pictured below. The ex-president
will be encouraged to twirl the Mashie-Niblick Spinner and discover his fate. (If
he has been determined to have been at all cooperative, perhaps a best two out
of three spins will be allowed.)
If the Spinometer points to Adolf, Drumpf will be shot in the head and his body
burned. The ceremonial gun used will be one provided by Marjorie Taylor Greene,
drawn from the stash featured in several of her campaign videos. If Benito is
selected, Drumpf will be hung upside-down (ideally with one or several of his
mistresses alongside). In place of the traditional rope, one of The Donald's
lengthy MAGA-red neckties will serve.
If Uncle Joe comes up, Mr. Drumpf will breathe his last lying in a pool of his
own urine. To insure sufficient volumes of fluid are forthcoming, the disgraced ex-
president will be force fed from a dozen or so two-liter bottles of Diet Coke prior
to execution. And if the Drumpf spin lands on Idi, Donald will finish his days in
exile in Saudi Arabia playing a minimum of 36 holes of golf per day -- on a
course consisting entirely of sand traps.
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