Aye, aye!
(Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!)
O, Captains (America,
Blood, Zero, Earth…):
thou be nowt if not captains
Blood, Zero, Earth…):
thou be nowt if not captains
courageous.
Sev'ral captains, however
(there's never a dearth),
prove, on inquiry, captains
Sev'ral captains, however
prove, on inquiry, captains
outrageous.
Might not each, switching ships
(here's an alphabet's worth),
change the universe…? Ponder
Might not each, switching ships
(here's an alphabet's worth),
change the universe…? Ponder
these pages!
What if Ahab had
captain'd,
instead of his Pequod,
a carrack call’d Santa
a carrack call’d Santa
Maria…?
Then
would Native Americans
sigh with relief
at the found'ring of "Chris's
sigh with relief
at the found'ring of "Chris's
Idea"…?
And
would hunting white whales,
like all searches for grails,
now be hail’d as more fail’d pan-
like all searches for grails,
now be hail’d as more fail’d pan-
acea…?
What if HMS Bounty'd
been captain’d by Beefheart
instead of by
been captain’d by Beefheart
officer Bligh,
would its mutineers,
rather than take to Tahiti,
have open’d a
would its mutineers,
rather than take to Tahiti,
have open’d a
bar in Dubai…?
And would Fletcher've been play’d
not by Gable or Brando
but some fa-a-a-ar less
And would Fletcher've been play’d
not by Gable or Brando
but some fa-a-a-ar less
self-absorb’d guy…?
If Endeavour'd been captain’d,
instead of by Cook,
by one Cap'n Horatio
instead of by Cook,
Crunch,
then would Botany Bay
be one stop, since that day,
on some serial cereal
then would Botany Bay
be one stop, since that day,
on some serial cereal
brunch...?
And would Cook's tours be publicized
"Crunch Tours" instead...?
It’s a good bet they would. (Just my
And would Cook's tours be publicized
"Crunch Tours" instead...?
It’s a good bet they would. (Just my
hunch.)
If the schooner We're Here
had, as pilot, Der Captain
of "Hans-und-Fritz" fame –
nor not Disko,
then would young Harvey Cheyne
have become Mama's bane
and migrated from Glouce-
had, as pilot, Der Captain
nor not Disko,
then would young Harvey Cheyne
have become Mama's bane
and migrated from Glouce-
ster to Frisco,
where,
no longer a kid,
he'd do scenes in a vid,
playing Pancho to some
sordid Cisco…?
he'd do scenes in a vid,
playing Pancho to some
sordid Cisco…?
What if ace Captain Eddie's
belov'd Flying Fortress
became Captain Eo's
space vessel,
then would World War II
prove but minor ado,
scrub’d when Ed asks Herr Adolf:
"Who'll wrestle!"…?
Or would spacetime get bent,
with Ed's UFO sent
back in time to snuff young Geor-
became Captain Eo's
space vessel,
then would World War II
prove but minor ado,
scrub’d when Ed asks Herr Adolf:
"Who'll wrestle!"…?
Or would spacetime get bent,
with Ed's UFO sent
back in time to snuff young Geor-
gie Jessel…?
What if Flint and his Walrus
became SS Feathersword
and its eponymous
captain…?
Would the foremention’d Feathersword
balk at the switch, crying,
"No bloody way I'm a=
and its eponymous
captain…?
Would the foremention’d Feathersword
balk at the switch, crying,
"No bloody way I'm a=
daptin'!"…?
And would Captain Fantastic,
with no ship at all,
of a sudden start speaking Sa-
And would Captain Fantastic,
with no ship at all,
of a sudden start speaking Sa-
haptian…?
What if George --
"Captain Seafood" –
would try to usurp
Captain Gantu's Galactic
Armada…?
Would not Lilo and Stitch
knuckle under and snitch…?
What would happen…? In fact, next
Captain Gantu's Galactic
Armada…?
Would not Lilo and Stitch
knuckle under and snitch…?
What would happen…? In fact, next
to nada:
George would grant Gantu's wish
and serve everyone fish
with a side of baked beans, blah-
George would grant Gantu's wish
and serve everyone fish
with a side of baked beans, blah-
de-blah-dah...
What if Hook's Jolly Roger
(which once was The Wasp)
were by Hornblower re-christen'd
were by Hornblower re-christen'd
Sutherland…?
Then would Captain Horatio,
thereby bereft,
with no ship to return to the
Then would Captain Horatio,
thereby bereft,
with no ship to return to the
motherland,
taunt Herge's Captain Haddock,
"You've no ship as well…?
Must we both end our days in some
taunt Herge's Captain Haddock,
"You've no ship as well…?
Must we both end our days in some
other
land…?"…?
What if Captain Insano
had thrown in the towel
crying, “Please, take the con, Captain
had thrown in the towel
crying, “Please, take the con, Captain
Janeway!”…?
Then might Kate clear her throat,
don some admiral’s coat,
and observe, “That’s a rather in-
Then might Kate clear her throat,
don some admiral’s coat,
and observe, “That’s a rather in-
ane way
to a title defend.
‘Jan…u…a…reee-e-e-e…! Girlfriend!’”
(Calling Kibbee’s a much less in-
to a title defend.
‘Jan…u…a…reee-e-e-e…! Girlfriend!’”
(Calling Kibbee’s a much less in-
sane way.*)
* Guy Kibbee played January
to Shirley Temple’s Star in the film
bearing his character’s name.
What if Captain James Kirk
(Mr. Spock does the work)
turn’d the Enterprise
* Guy Kibbee played January
to Shirley Temple’s Star in the film
bearing his character’s name.
(Mr. Spock does the work)
turn’d the Enterprise
over to Kidd…?
What if Kidd, for his part
(Kidd was never that smart)
fail’d to fix on what
What if Kidd, for his part
(Kidd was never that smart)
fail’d to fix on what
Kirk and Spock did…?
handed over the key
in a Kangaroo
takeover bid…?
I’m remiss not to check
what a captain like
Lorca* might do
in a universe which –
if you’ll pardon my kitsch –
is unlike that in
which me and you,
were we captains like him,
might inspect, on a whim,
the behavior of
Romulan Hugh.*
in certain episodes of TNG.
who might figure in future verses:
Marvel
Morgan
Nemo
Obvious
Picard
Queeg
Ron
Sisco
Sparrow
Spaulding
Teague
Underpants
Von Trapp
White
Xavier
Yuri
Yamato
Zoom
Zack
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