Join Me in the Juke Joint at Jejune Junction or Where'd Harry Meet Halle? A Tautogrammatical Alphabet in Rhyme

How'd Allan Quatermain Ace Alice Liddell?

Asked "Where'd Al adjoin Alice?" all answer, "A. Wat, wot?!

At Wonderland Heights, above Solomon's Mines."
(She'd arrived aboard Aeroflot, armed to the nines;
Al came nude, on an ass, after anch'ring his yacht.)

How'd Basho Bang Bianca Castafiore?

Blimey! Bash* boff’d Bianca! But, bugged by some bro

to coauthor nine haikai no renga he'd pledged,
Bash beheld B's "♪...my beauty...♫" (or so 'Bo* alleged).
Both [boink!] "bonded" aboard Basho's pea-green bateau.

     * Both 'Bash' an  'Bo' (short for 'Sobo') are nicknames of the famed poet.

How'd Candide Conquer Condoleezza Rice?

Cor! Can Candide con Condee? Ten chos from Cadiz –

the Bush Cabinet's caravan comes to a rest.
Castle Thunder-ten-Tronckh being "out of the quest.,"
Count Cred "leased" Condoleezza his cat'marand's keys.

How'd Dante Diddle Dorothy Gail? 

Doh! Did Dante date Dot? Duh! First, Virgil he'd ditch'd.
Next, in downtown Detroit (dubb'd "Das Dritt' Ring o' Hell")
he'd disarm'd her ("Miss Oz" dig Dant's dunebuggy bell).
"Dump dat dogsled, dear Dot," Dante dron'd. "Let's die hitch'd!"

How'd Ebenezer Scrooge Escape Encountering Amelia Earhart?

"Eb, you're on," enthus'd A. ("Mellie") Earhart. "Let's lunch --
if my Lockheed Electra 10-E stays 'on sched.'"
'Cept the elfin Ms E fail'd to show, bein' dead.
Of effete Eb's fell Edsel? E-bay'd! (He'd a hunch.)

How'd Florence Chadwick Foil Flash Gordon?

Where'd fair Flo flash fly Flash? First time, floatin' on Mongo --
Flo'd flatten'd four tires on his Ford Fairlane flivver,
Flo's fail'd "Date me!" ploy. (Flash finessed: "I forgive her.")
Finale? The film set of "Expresso Bongo."

How'd Gilgamesh Get Gertrude Bell?

Where'd the Gil/Gert "get-down" get-together occur?
Good guess? Wadi at Gad, where this "Queen of Iraq"
grabb'd her "two-thirds-a-god" on Gil's gyroplane dock.
(Grim Gestapim had booted Gil's goat-cart near Ur.)

How'd Thor Heyerdahl Hose Billie Holiday?

How'd he (Hey'rdahl) hose Holiday? Billie and Thor'd
"halved" a hail'd Harlem hansom. Hence, holdin' her "hip,"
he'd repainted his sails for his Hilton Head trip --
since his hand-car he'd sunk in a Lake Huron fjord.

How'd Ishmael Inveigle Queen Isabella? 

An itinerant Ish eyed the imp Isabella 
in imported ice-skates inside Inishfree.
Bell'd inched in -- incogn"auto" -- in innertubes three,
herself intro'd ("I'm Iz!") to this harpoonin' fella.

How'd Jorinda Jam John Dough?

Where'd Jorinda join John? Once the Jersey-born jewess's

jinrik'sha driver, Jorindel, had jumped her,

King Dough, from his jet-ski -- at sea off Fort Sumpter --
jawed, "Join me in Jonestown for juleps at Lewis's?"

How'd Kilroy KO Kristin Chenowith

Where'd Kilroy kiss Kristin? In Kent, where he eyes her
in hand-me-down Keds, stocking shelves at the K-Mart.
"Your face? Famous -- Kwei to the Keys! Still, you're lame, Heart,"
Kris kvetched. Kil cooed, "Give us a kiss!" from his Kaiser.

How'd Lemuel Gulliver Waylay Lucille Ball?

Lord! How Lem (like) loved Lucy! He'd lately left Lilliput.

Longing for London, he'd (like) leased a landau.

Lem's driver? 'Twas Lucy! Lem flipped for Lu...and how!
Love -- lots! -- led to trippin'. (It all looks (like) silly but...)

How'd Mad Max Meet May French Sheldon?   

How met Mad Max Ms May? In her Merc: fan French Sheldon
(main moniker: “White Queen”), seen mot’rin’ through Melbourne
in mukluks like those -- in Mel’s movies -- which Mel’d worn,
was overheard mutt’rin,’ “So…what might have Mel done?”

How'd Little Nemo Needle Nelly Bly? 

Where'd Nemo net Nelly? No Slumberland night trains
make stops in The Apple -- our Nell’s base-of-ops.
'Snot her ’50 Nash Coup neither -- that's in the shops.
Nope, it’s bed…though such notions need nothing but right brains.

How'd Oscar Outwit Olive?

Where’d our Oisin-of-Old’s offspring Oscar o’ertake her (wee
Olive)? Outside of our outhouse in Oxnard –
an omnibus offload: observe Olive’s postcard.
(One oar for O’s outrigger’s o’er at our bakery.)

How'd Phileas Fogg Poke Pippi Longstocking 

Where’d poor Passepartout’s patron place paw prints on Pippi?
Fogg’s phaëton’d paused in Poughkeepsie por phu’l (sic). From
Pipp’s pram [read: pushcart], pert P prates, “Pray, whoo’ll (sic) come
party at P’s pad in Pearl, Mississippi?

How'd Queequeg Quake Emma Frost the White Queen? 

Quick! Where’d queer Quee’g trade quickies with Quid-Pro-Quo Emma
(aqa* White Queen)? In the quad at Quarata:
Her quarter horse’d quit; Frost was fillé non grata.
Quadriga queues? Crowded. (’Twas quite the dilemma.) 
     * Also quoted as

How'd Robinson Crusoe Ruin Red Riding Hood? 

Where’d rake Robinson’s Rio ram Riding Hood’s roadster?
In Ramsgate (where else?), where said recluse reporter’d be
(hot-) rodding ’round through the ruin’d Roman quarter. (He
romanced the tale: Crusoe’s quite the rhapsodester.)

How'd Sinbad Sucker Sacajawea?

Scheherazade’s story -- so-called Saudi Soirs -- says,
some salt – sired by Sinbad! -- sampaning for sushi,
spots Sacajawea (Shoshonē: no Sioux, she!)
and sinks Sac’s sedan seat (sigh): saddest of farces.

How'd Tintin Trick Deanna Troi?

To where’d Tintin track Troi? Tournai’s truckin' teenager
traced Trek’s tank-top-heavy transporting clairvoyant
to tarns near Tak -- Troi being tot’lly self-buoyant.
(Turns out those twin Thom(p)sons made Tin one tall wager.)

How'd Ulysses Undo Nyota Uhura? 

Where’d Uhura meet Uly (une union unlikely)?
In Ub, where Uh's umiak’s up on a lift?
Or Uji, where Ul's U-boat’s upturned in a drift?
Neither: Ur! (Says Uhura, “Ugh! Must we hitchhike, Lee?”) 

How'd The Vascos Vanquish Vanna White? 

Upon visiting Vanna, twin vagabonds – vagrants! –
voiced vigorous vehemence viewing her vehicle.
“Voiture? Velocipede? Used vis-à-vis?” Fickle
Vanna (vexed…very!) to Vascos: “Fouls! Flagrants!”

How'd Wiley Post Wed Wilma Mankiller 

Wasn’t West Walla Walla where Wilma wed Wiley,
whose wood wain wrought wheelies when Post first proposed?
(Bride wore white.) Said the world-wreathing airman: “Case closed!”
Whereon both boarded Winnie, their way wending shyly)

How'd Xena Warrior Princess X Xenophon? 

Where did Xena meet Xenophon? South of Xinghua,
down the delta at Xiao, where her xebec’s in drydock.
The Witch/Warr'er P dined on Xingu and zweibach,
while Xen’s xanthic XKE… (xblah…xblah…xblah…xblah…)

How'd Yuri Gagarin Yoke Yentl the Yeshiva Boy? 

Yes, young Yuri yokes Yentl’at some Y in the Yukon!
This yok’l yacks in Yiddish and calls herself 'Yakov.'
Yent’s yacht? Lately repo’ed (yet yawls she’s no lack of).
Yur’s yak-cart? Passé -- the sort young Yahoos puke on.

How'd Zazie Zoom Zebulon Pike?

Where’s ze z-z-z-z-z-z-z-ing young Zebulon (min'ring in Psych)
zoom a zaftig young Zazie? The zoo at Zo’nosha.
To meet dans le metro might -- Zounds! -- "seem un-kosha,”
plus -- pacé, Zamboni -- how unsportsmanlike!

Pipe an Abecedarial Poem of Pot (Incomplete)

  

“Some like it in the pot…nine days old”

                 -- from “Pease Porridge Hot” first recorded in John Newbery’s “Mother Goose’s Melody” (c. 1760)

Most folks love a hit of pot, new census surveys hold.
While some prefer a hybrid pot – say, Acapulco Gold --
some others choose Afghani Wonder. (They dig dope that’s bold.)
And some – those cursed with budget woes – have stopped pot-smoking cold.

Some opine, “Pot should be free! Like welfare money: doled.”
Enfeebled folk claim med concerns; in programs they’re enrolled.
Freethinkers wish pot legal: such a state’s been long foretold.
Girls smoke Passion #1 – aka Amstel Gold.

He would buy his on the fly, while me? I like to hold.
Ice Queen’s sold by Ms. Isolde – mispronounced ‘Isold.’
Jim (that’s me!) shops Dr. Greenthumb: Jim smokes J.J.’s Gold.
Known philosophes smoke Killa Kush. That stuff will knock you cold.

Lotus-Eaters smoke a strain produced in wet leaf mold.
Mom prefers hers grown (she says) in peat, a mother’s mold.
And no one who’s not no one knows that pot is now extolled.
(They know, as well, that cannabis concerns are oversold.)

People busted yesterday, today should be parolled
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