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Monday, February 28, 2022

Who's the Patron Saint...? (11)

...of air conditioning technicians...?
St. Edward the Confessor the Compressor

...of tenants...?
St. James the Lesser the Lessee

...of spin doctors...?
St. Francis Xavier Savvier 

...of big box retailers...? 
St. Stanislaus Kostka Costco

...of the tall and plus-sized...? 
St. Pius the Tenth the Tent

...of spelunkers...?
St. Simeon Stylites Stalactites 

...of sufferers from sexually transmitted diseases...?
Bede the Venerable the Venereal
 
...of ambulance chasers...?
St. Therese of Lisieux of Let's Sue!
 
...of former Alcoholics Anonymous members...?
St. Bernadette Soubirous Sober...? You...?  
 
...of newsprint puzzle solvers...?
St. John of the Cross of the Crossword.
 
...of untalented ice-capades performers...?
St. Brendan the Navigator the Naff Figure-Eighter.
 
...of the long-suffering...?
St. Theresa of Avila of HalfaLoaf.
 
...of initiators of hostile takeovers...?
St. Thomas Aquinas AquireUs!
 
...of sufferers from eating and drinking disorders...? 
St. Hildegarde of Bingen of Bingin.'  
 
...of Arab Conservative politicians...?
St. John the Baptist the Ba'athist.
 
...of alternative medicine healers...?
St. Joseph of Arimathea of Aromatherapy. 
 
...of tiresome Irish storytellers...?
St. Charles Borromeo Bore o' Mayo.
 
...of edible seaweed farmers...?
St. Philip Neri Nori.
 
...of corrupt senators...?
St. Anthony of Padua of Pad-Your-Wallet.
 
...of chocoholics...?
St. John Bosco.
 
...of rogues and rascals...?
St. Joan of Arc of Arch.
  
...of uncontrollable potty-mouths...?
St. Martin of Tours of Tourettes.
 
...of practitioners of the filibuster...?
St. John the Divine the Defyin.'
 
...of highway civil engineers...?
St. James the Greater the Grader.
 
...of stand-up comics...?
St. Isaac Jogues Jokes.
 
...of couch potatoes...?
St. Ignatius of Loyola of Lie-All-Ovah.
 
...of refrigerator adhesive retailers...?
St. Albertus Magnus Magnet.
 
...of infatuates...?
St. Aloysius Gonzaga GoneGaga.
 
...of the morbidly obese...?
St. Augustine of Hippo of Hippos.
 
...of LGBTQs...?
St. Francis of Assisi of Us Sissies.
 
...of soothsayers...?
St. Bernard of Clairvaux of Clairvoyance.
 
...the easily horrified...?
St. Vincent de Paul d'Appall'd.
 
...of effete tipplers...?
St. Alphonsus Liguri Liquory 
 
...of closet drinkers...?
St. Joseph of Cupertino of Cup o' Tea, No...?
 
...of derelict alcoholics...?
St. Juan Capistrano CuppaSterno

Pay As He Goes (11)

We must dump Drumpf! That goes sans say.
But deed Drumpf dough to go away…?
Each man, each child, each woman should
who fathoms what for all’d be good!
Which voter 'cross the USA
would NOT dump Donald...doo-dah-day…
Each patriot could rave, "I gave
to save the homeland from that knave."
Each citizen would send a buck
to silence daffy Donald Duck.
I'll send a buck. Hey! I'll send two.
I’ll send a fiver!! Woudn't you…?

PfeffErminZ Days (11)

     PrephaEZe

circa 95 AD: The Book of Revelation's Fourth Apocalyptic Horseman -- 
     PEZtilence 

     PhaEZe One

1381: The PEZants's Revolt
1387: The earliest appearance of Chaucer's "Tale of Sir ToPEZ' 
1623: The birth of Blaise PEZcal 
1666: The foundation of western Russian city of PEnZa 
1830: The birth of Neo-impressionist painter Camille PEZsarro
1872: Phileas Fogg is joined by Jean PEZpartout in the former's 
     fictional journey around the world in under three months

     PhaEZe Two

1822: The birth of French chemist Louis PEZteur 
1879: The first performance of Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates 
     of PEZance" 
1894: The birth of legendary blues singer PEZzie Smith  
1935: The premier of Gershwin and Spooner's "Borgy and PEZ"
1951: Cuban bandleader PEZi Arnaz co-stars with wife in 
     TV's "I Love Lucy"

     PhaEZe Three

1959: The death of tenor sax great Lester "PEZ" Young
1982: The beginnings of the rise of Lebanon's deadly PEZbollah
1988: The death of King of Rock Elvis PEZley
2020: The death of pop singer Trini LoPEZ

     PhaEZe Three Point One Four One Six...

2022: Former PEZident Drumpf chokes to death attempting
     to ingest mint dispenser featuring head of Michele Obama while
     screaming, "You can grab 'em by the PEZsy: they let you!" 

More 'O-S-C-A-R W-I-L-D-E' Anagramania

     Oscar proposes an exchange of ailments 
I'm upstanding today,
though my spelling's outrĂª,
to inveigh: as a kind of pro quo quid,
I would swap, in a heartbeat,
these state-of-the-art feet
(I speak tongue-in-cheek) for
     Lear's COWID.

Christmas Day: A Mare Egg...

     "A Mare Egg, Her Wrist, "Miss Two 'U'"