AFI's Greatest Alternate Remakes

(Like Gov. Christy, "We spoof in the spirit of Spooner.")

In this sequel to Citizen Kane, Charles Foster's bastard son, 
Christopher, continues to search for the meaning behind his
father's mysterious final word. Failing to discover it, the poor 
boy is eventually institutionalized. 
     The film is called Kit Is Insane.

As variant to his groundbreaking On the Waterfront, Elia 
Kazan's new production portrays life in and around the world 
of horse racing experienced by Edie Doyle's younger sister, 
an unattractive but plucky dwarfling. 
     Elia calls his latest film Wanda, Odd Turf Runt.

With production of Wanda well under way, cinebuffs learned 
that a Mexican film company is developing an animated sequel 
to Kazan's classic which will relate the adventures of a young 
Chicano lad who escapes LA gang life to become A&R 
man for a group of performing sea mammals living and working 
in the waters off the Baja Peninsula. 
     Planned for a Christmas holiday release and suitable for all 
audiences, the movie is called Juan the Otter Front.

In so-called Wuthering Heights II, Heathcliff and Cathy depart 
the Yorkshire moors for a West Indies sugar plantation where 
they spend their remaining years harassing a native population 
held by them in bondage. 
     The working title of this sequel is Hovering Whites.

In re-envisioning The Maltese Falcon as a biopic, documentary 
film makers feature journalist Muggeridge playing himself and 
claiming full responsibility for Original Sin. 
     The film is called The Fault? 'Tis Malcolm's.

This made-for-TV feature takes a U-turn from its model, 
The Grapes of Wrath. In the revision, Grampa Joad, after dying 
of the drug overdose administered to him by his family, returns 
from the dead to confront Tom, Rose of Sharon and the others, 
ultimately convincing the lot to eighty-six their trip to California 
in favor of emigration to Bar Harbor, Maine. 
     Rated R for language, the film is called The Wraith of Gramps.

666

Or the Beast is Yet to Come the Beast is Very Much With Us

Zero to 666 mph* in 6.66 seconds:
the UAR (Ungodliness Acceleration Rate)
of the Beast. 
     * 1077 km/h

666 miles per gallon:
the Fuel Economy Rating on the Road to Hell
of the Beast.

Skik-shik-shiksa:
the Gentle Gentile Goyim Goyl 
of the Beast.

66.6% abv:
the Brewmeister Beerelzebub's Beer Boast
of the Beast.

"Six-sixty-six skidoo!":
the BeelzeBum's Rush
of the Beast.

N+ 666:
the Oulipoetical Transliteration Technique
Whereby Each Noun in the Biblical Book 
of the Apocalypse Is Replaced with the 
666th Noun Following It in Webster's New 
International Dictionary (Third Edition)
of the Beast

"666 bottles of beer on the wall, 666 bottles of beer...":
the "Binge-Till-Yer-BeelzeBlotto" Satanic Stein Song
of the Beast 

"Sykes Sics Sheiks":
the “Stix Nix Hix Pix”-Type Tabloid Headline Featuring 
Story Concerning a Rabid Ms.  Wanda Sinking Bared 
Canines into Deserving Saudi Royals
of the Beast

The 0.666%*:
the Percentage of the U.S. population claiming membership 
in “Billionaires For The Beast”
of the Beast 
     * These bastards control 66.6% of the nation's wealth  

"Sixty-six days hath September":
the Calendrical Mnemonic
of the Beast.* 
      * "Sixty-six days hath September. 
         Six times six: March through November.
         Jan and Feb…? One less than seven.
         Dec…? Six plus five. (Eleven)
         Leap year starts from scratch, by heaven: 
         then, Sept's days run sixty-seven!" 

Snick-snick-snickers:
the Brimstone-Coated BeelzeBar
of the Beast

"Six hundred sixty-six men on a sick man's chest..." 
the Prince of Darkness Pirate Sea Shanty
of the Beast

Fahrenheit 666:
the Combustion Temperature of Brimstone
of the Beast.

"Leaflets six-six-six: touch not with ten-foot sticks!":
the Cautionary Mnemonic Identifying Devilishly 
Toxic Ivies
of the Beast.

"Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!":
Every Hannity Broadcast
of the Beast

666 Dalmatians:
the Diabolical Disney Derivative Devil Dog Dramedy
of the Beast.

Spooks! Spooks! Spooks!:
the Ghostbusters Cinematic Homage
of the Beast. 

"Spicks! Spicks! Spicks!":
the Illegal Immigration Insult (Hannity again) 
of the Beast.

"...ten...nine...eight...seven...six...six...six...":
the Aborted NASA Shuttle-Launch Liftoff 
Countdown Sequence
of the Beast.

"Shake! Shake! Shake!":
the Jerry Lee Lewcifer Look-Alike Contest Lyric
of the Beast.

"The 666 Horsemen of the Apocalypse":
the Military-Industrial Complex
of the Beast.

696:
the Menage a Trois Diabolical Deprave-o-glyph
of the Beast.

"Sing a song of 66 pence, pockets full of rye;
6 and 60 blackbirds baked (still breathing) in a pie...":
the Rhyming Recitation Recipe for Satan's 
Souffle Surprise
of the Beast.