Britain's greatest dramatist honed his writing chops by
penning quatrains for wry Elizabethan epistolarians.
Baby shower / new mom
Love looks not with the eye but with the mind.
That diaper's full: Bambo thy bairn's behind!
Sympathy / cellmate
The better part of valor is discretion.
Consider my lips sealed re thy obsession.
Nth invoice / chronic deadbeat
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
The final nail: now, forthwith, mail my fee!
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
The final nail: now, forthwith, mail my fee!
Breakup / unisex
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day...?
Thou lazy, hazy, crazy art, okay...?
Prenup congrats / sister-in-law
Soft! what light through yonder window breaks...?
Thou art engaged...? Let's hope this time it takes.
Get well / favorite aunt
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Thy cancer diagnosis...? Indigestion.
Merry Xmas / juvenile
Once more unto the breach, dear friend, once more.
I hope Claus gifts thee all thou bargain'd for.
Retirement / office colleague
Methinks I am a prophet new inspired.
Thy job's offshore...? Give thanks thou art retired.
Belated birthday / nephew
Make me a willow cabin at your gate
so next year's gift buck won't arrive so late.
Pre-op wish / ex-spouse
The quality of mercy is not strain'd.
Thou'll breathe far better with thy sinus drain'd.
Ash Wednesday / former pastor
Now's the winter of our discontent.
I would thee reap a more repentant Lent.
New Year's / MAGA uncle
Is this a dagger which I see before me...?
Happy New Year! (Hope next term's less stormy.)
