The Death of Punctuation (At the Hands of Tweet?)

How many have we lost? Twenty and counting, it's said. Savor them now. Thanks to Jack Dorsey, this may be the last time you'll ever see any. 

1 Ampersands? Their fates are varied: [ ] dwindling [ ] dying [ ] dead & buried.
2 Apostrophe’s done: illit’ratis have won.
3 The asterisk? Dead. It’s like Jack Dorsey* said.
      * CEO of Twitter
4 Say a prayer for the bracket. Good lad. [Couldn’t hack it.]

5 The bullet has abused for years its
·         Mentors
·         minions
·         bosses
·         peers

6 The death of the caret? Mon frere cannot bear it.

                                                   ^

                                     He’s my bro from below.
7 Bid adieu to cedillas: “Leçons pour gorillas.” *

     * Says my bro (whom I love). He’s that bloke just above.

8 Retired is the colon: more time to go bowlin.’
9 As for daggers (single, double)? Dead as dormice dipp'd in honey †
     Or some Raphi cucullati ‡ -- or the freakin’ Easter Bunny.

     † A delicacy served at ancient Roman banquets      ‡ Extinct dodos  

10 Life sans the comma? No comma, no drama.
11 Dashes? Dead -- em and en -- just a matter of when.
12 The mark of exclamation’s gone, eradicated. Let’s move on!
13 To all misters who’ll miss their ellipses: Boo…! Hiss-s-s-ss…!
14 The full stop is gone. It’s hung, quarter'd and drawn.
15 Leave it to the hyphen to insert its two-edged knife in.
16 What’s next for parentheses? Epitaphs. (RIPs).
17 The pilcrow’s under stress… ¶ But now I must digress…
18 Quotes which are “curly”? Well past their prime, surely?

19 “The ditto,” they said.
“  “     “   , he dead!”
        * Like Conrad’s Mr. Kurtz, presumably.
20 Diaereses: just on leave? Ple-e-e-e-ease: do not be so naïve.

(Sadly, to be continued)

Open & Shut Case A Word Ladder

When pies, like cases, open, that’s when birds begin to sing.
Once pies go in the oven, then those birds cannot take wing.
When pies are mere ideas, even then I pooh-pooh cakes.
Not every lad and lass can boast an Uncle Sven who bakes.
If Sven won’t don his apron, Uncle Sten we'll need to arm.
No doubt we’ll need to stun Sven only – not do lethal harm.
When piemen choose to shun their duties, we’ve no option but…
to force each guy to make a pie. (And now this case is shut.)

Said Aramis Porthos... An Abcedarial TerzarematicTour de Force

Three lines per verse explicate three perverse protagonists per verse. Enjoy! And while you're at it, enjoy the rhyme scheme: ABA, BCB, CDC and so on. Mr. Alighieri would approve , as would, it's hoped, Mr. Perec. 

Said Aramis, "Porthos! I'm p.o.'d at Athos!
He's pilfer'd my purple panache, for Pete's sake.
I but multiply Ps: Athos bathes in feign'd bathos." 

Said Adam to Eve, "Don't go b'lieving no snake!
Even schoolboys don't trust tales some serpent, some asp or
some reptilian tells. Nope: that rascal's a rake!"  

Said Balthazar, "Melchior! Steer clear of Caspar!
The bloke's gifting gold to some boychik. You know
ev'ry bloke who gifts gold most gods label a jasper*?"

* A rustic; a hick; a suspicious character 

Said Curly to Larry, "Show no love to Mo. 

He's intrusive; he's crude. He's abusive; he's rude.

Give Mo pokes? That's "pokay"! As for hugs, just say 'M'no!'"

Said Donny to Walter, "I'm drugg'd with The Dude.

He's wa-a-a-ay wasted on weed. Dude abides...in a trance.
If he's late for the tournament, tell him, 'Get screwed!'.")

Said Evers to Tinker, "First, Chance has no chance!

Moving Frank from home plate to first base? Seelee's folly!
Though such switcharoos seem first-rate -- at first glance. 

Said Fran to her Kukla, "I fear for our Ollie. 

He's backing -- alas: do you think I'm too picky? –
up Penniman* singing 'Good Golly, Miss Molly.'"

* Richard Penniman aka Little Richard 

Said Goofy to Donald, "I'm sick of young Mickey:
that rodent's robustless. That murine's sans mettle. 
'...ridiculus mus.'* In a word: Mickey's icky!"

* Roman lyric poet Horace's "Parturient montes, nascetur 
ridiculus mus" translates "Mountains will labor. What's 
born...? A ridiculous mouse!" 

Said Hansel, chastising the Witch, "Getting Gretel

to gorge on ginn'd gingerbread -- (thanks: I'm full up) –
you've deflated her fitness and fuck'd with her fettle."

Said Ignatz to Krazy, "With Offisa Pupp

I've an off/on relationship: Pupp's quite contrary
on weekdays; come week's end, Pupp's quick to bark 'Yup!'"

Said Jesus to Joseph, "Tell Mom (nee Ms. Mary):

those calling her 'Mrs.' or 'Miss' commit error.
She's neither yet both*...while I'm slap-happy -- very!"

* At issue is the Catholic dogma of the virgin birth -- 
a concept the young Nazarene seems to have difficulty 
swallowing.

Said Kate, "Too late, Jaclyn. I'm fed up with Farrah, 

whose hair's hanks forever flip thither and yon –
"far(ra)'" less "the athletic one" -- far more chimera!"

Said Leia to Luke, "Cast an eye upon Han! 

Since the Force has deserted him, so has The Knack:
Mr. Solo's no Vaughn,* nor is Han my Don Juan."

* Robert Vaughn portrayed Napoleon Solo in the 60s 
TV thriller "The Man from U.N.C.L.E."

Said Manny to Mo, "He's a madman, is Jack,

selling gear shifts for Fords -- automatic and stick –
telling customers, 'Should they not work, bring 'em back.'"

Said Nora to Asta, "Who's pickl'd? It’s Nick

(though, if ask'd, he insists, 'I'm not sotted, just sleepy,
and epigrammatic.') In fact, Nick's just thick."

Said Olive to Popeye, "I'm sick about Swee'Pea:

both you and I walk; Swee' does nothing but crawl.
While your arms appear weird, Swee'Pea's crawling's just 
                                                                   creepy." 

Said Peter to Mary, "Appalling! That's Paul."

Though he crack'd my guitar, I hear no 'culpa: mea.'
(A Martin...? A Cort...? I no longer recall.)

Said Quixote to Sancho, "I've dump'd Dulcinea.

Her murmur's too macho; her upper lip's hairy.
She colors that hair using tar from La Brea.

Said Ron to Hermione, " How d'you bear Harry...?

He keeps casting spells though I've begg'd him to stop.
What was once my pet gerbil's become my canary."

Said Snap to young Crackle, "I'm hopping mad! Pop's

added chalk to our Krispies. (He's also pour'd lime in.)
Here! Hold the cad down while I summon some cops."

Said Theodore, "A-a-a-a-alvin! So simple is Simon!

While we're far from fat, he insists, 'I'm the thinnest' – er-
roneous, surely...but back to my rhymin.'"

Said Underdog, "Cad! Tell mad Simon Bar Sinister:

'Cast from your eye that malevolent glint!'
(If he'll not, I'll be forced my quick fix to administer.)" 

Said Vic to young Bullets, "I'm bumm'd out by Clint:

he's become the most overweight whale in our pod.
Why he's pack'd on those pounds I've no tint of a hint."

Said Wynkin to Blynkin, "He's nasty, is Nod:

See the shoe he suggests for our sailing? So scruffy!
Plus, going with Nod's plan will leave me ill shod."

Said Xander to Willow, "I can't believe Buffy.

Does vanquishing vampires take more than a minim...?
I tell her it can't, but the girl gets all huffy."

Said the Yahoo to Lemuel, "Why won't the Houyhnhnm

desist with his wash tub 'n' ironing board?
Tell him cease and desist or I'll tackle 'n' skin him."

Said Zaphod to Arthur, "I'm fed up with Ford.

He would none of the galaxy leave unexp-_______*…
("Seems this time the tank's empty of rhymes," Zaphod 
                                                                  roar'd.)"

* '-loited? -loded, -osed? -anded, -ected, -edient? -edited? 

Can the tank, indeed, be empty of rhymes? (Or, for 
that matter, of metrical patterns?)

An ABC of Pot (a work in progress)

(“Some like (it in the) pot…nine days old” – bowdlerized from “Pease Porridge Hot” first recorded in John Newbery’s “Mother Goose’s Melody” (c. 1760))

Most folks love a hit of pot, new census surveys hold:

Always in’s a hybrid pot – say, Acapulco Gold --

Brash folks choose Afghani Wonder. (They like dope that’s bold.)
Cursed are some with budget woes – they’ve stopp’d pot-smoking cold.
Dudes agree: “Pot should be free! Like welfare money: doled.”
Enfeebl'd folk claim med concerns; in programs they’re enroll'd.
Freethinkers wish pot legal: such a state’s been long foretold.
Gals smoke Passion #1 – aka Amstel Gold.
He would buy his on the fly, while me? I like to hold.
Ice Queen’s sold by Ms. Isolde – mispronounced ‘Isold.’
Jim (that’s me!) shops Dr. Greenthumb: Jim smokes J.J.’s Gold.
Known philosophes smoke Killa Kush. That stuff will knock you cold.
Lotus-Eaters smoke a strain produced in wet leaf mold.
Mom prefers hers grown (she says) in peatmoss: mother’s mold.
No one who’s not no one knows how pot's now much extoll'd.
Out there as well’s that cannabis concerns are oversold.
People busted yesterday, today should be paroll'd.
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
&

Seven Pacifiers for Seven Babies Constrained Nonsense

The colicky little one's "This too shall pass"ifier 

The Latino newborn's Que pasa!fier 

The future heart attack victim's Triple Bypassifier 

The Anglo-Indian kid's Khyber Passifier 

The budding Proust scholar's Remembrance of Things Pas'ifier 

The Yiddish bubula's Chutzpasifier 

The Spanish toddler's Tapasifier 

Opposites Attracted A Constrained Nonsense ABC

A/B? Above/Below, AD/BC, And/But.
B/C? Barrel/Crate, Brando/Cox, Boost/Cut.

C/D? Cats/Dogs, Clean/Dirty, Credits/Debits.
D/E? Drumpf/Einstein, Dull/Edgy, Dolan/Ebetts.

E/F? Empty/Full, England/France, Expensive/Free.
F/G? Fox/Geese, Feds/Gangsters, "F**k!"/"Gee!"

G/H? Gone/Here, Gay/Het’ro, Give/Heist.
H/I? Healthy/Ill, Heaven/Inferno, Hot/Iced.

I/J? Iscariot/Jesus, Israel/Judah, Islamist/Jew.
J/K? Joker/King, Judo/Karate, Jardin/Kew.

K/L? Knotted/Loosed, Kingfish/Lightnin', Kent/Lane.
L/M? Lewis/Martin, Larry/Moe, Louisiana/Maine. 

M/N? May/November, Moi/Nous, Many/None.
N/O? Non/Oui, Noory/Oprah, None/One..

O/P? Orange/Purple, Opera/Plainsong, Oceans/Ports.
P/Q? Poncas/Quakers, Panza/Quixote, Pints/Quarts.

Q/R? Quarry/Raider, Quiet/Raging, Query/Response.
R/S? Roosevelt/Stalin, Running/Still, Ratty/Sconse.

S/T? Short/Tall, Silver/Trigger, Sweet/Tart.
T/U? Tasty/Unsavory, Topdog/Underdog, Thatcher/Urquhart

U/V? Unspoken/ Voiced, UHF/VHF, Usquebaugh/Vin
V/W? Volts/Watts, Virgin/Wanton, Vivid/Wan.

W/X? Wet/Xerotic, Wilmette/Xamadu, WBJEE/XAT
X/Y? Xanthinless/Yellow, Xylophone/Yedaki, Xebec/Yacht.

Y/Z? Yahweh/Zeus, Yellow/Zain, Yarmulke/Zori.
Z/A? Zero/All, Zuni/Apache, Zucchinis/Acori.