ABC Rhyme Songs (Some in 99)

1 The ABCs of Somebody Else

     1.1 Old rhyme, new bottle
 
H, A, K, J...B, C, D...
F, L, M, N...P, O, R, E, G...
Y, I, U...S, X, Q...
T, V, Z and W.
Sure it's new -- but, what the hey!
At least you know your H, A, K!
 
     1.2 New rhyme, scroll'd bottle:
 
B, C, D…? Like 'ea' in 'freak.'
H and A…? Like 'ai' in 'Spain.'
E, G, P…? Like 'ee' in 'geek.'
J and K …? Like 'ei' in 'reign.'
    T, V, Z…? Like 'ea' in 'speaks.'
L, F, N…? Like 'e' in 'hex.'
I and Y…? Like 'i' in 'yikes!'
M, X, S…? Like 'e' in 'sex.' 
     O…? Like 'o' in 'overblown.
U and Q…? Like 'ue' in 'blue.
R…? Not unlike 'ar' in 'fart.'
W…? Like 'trouble, nu…?' --
though, why three syllables…? Mon dieu!
I simply have no clue. Do you…?
 

2 Take It from Me

     2.1 Take It in Reverse!

Z, Y, X and W...
V, U, T and S, R, Q...
P, O, N plus M and L...
K, J, I, H (as in 'Hell')...
G, F, E, D, C, B, A.  
ABC, but backwards, eh…?  
(Demonstrate some flair, some flexes
when you sing your ZYXes!)

     2.2 Take It from Center to Edge!
 
M, N, L and O, K, P...
J, Q, I, R, H, S, G...
T, F, U and E, V, D...
W and C, X, B...
Y, A, Z: not Linear B
but just a spiral’d ABC.

    
     2.3 Take It from Here!
 
C, B, A and E, D, J…
P, G, H and T, V, K…
M, N, I and S, X, Q…
F, K, Y and R, O, U…
Z and (lastly) W:
___________________.
(What's ^  ^  ^  ^ here…? A word or two from you.)

     2.4 Take It Straight! Then Take It Snak’d!

Straight stroked: A, E, F, H, T...
straight, as well: K, L, V, Z...
straight, too: M, N, X, and I...
W’s straight, too, like Y. 
The rest -- B, C, D, G and U... 
plus J, O, P and R, S, Q -- 
contain one curvy stroke (at least). 
(With that, this ABC's song's ceased.)

 
     2.5 Take My Order!

A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y. 
Each a vowel; on that you can rely. 
All the rest -- B, C, D, F and G
and H, J, K, L, M…plus N and P
and Q, R, S, T, V…plus X and Z 
(and W, the one anomaly) -- 
are consonants. At last: your ABC.
(Next time, recall: there's more than twenty three!)

Graphic Proof (Unpub)

 

TEMPORARY

PERMANENT 

TEMPOR  RY 

PERM  NENT  

  E MPOR   RY 

PERM   NEN

    MPOR   RY

P  RM  N  N

    M  O R RY

    RM  N  N

          OR  RY

    R   N   N 

            O       Y 

           N  N 

             O

 

 

Texts Best Left Unread (Unpub)

Alumni donation solicitation letter and accompanying 

multiple enclosures on which my name is misspelled – 

each time in a different way -- and on which my assigned 

graduation class date is incorrectly indicated

Blog entry posted by Ms. Mittens, Aunt Hortense's 

uppity Angora

Credits following any of the last several Rocky movies

Doctoral dissertation rigorously detailing certain modal 

irregularities observed by the candidate in several 

medieval Frankish Kyries

Edda-like poem designed for freshman Medieval 

English Lit class entitled "Eigil's Eighty-Eight Epic Exploits"

Fortune cookie insert employing typeface designed 

to look like Chinese characters

Government warning label outlining penalties for 

its removal sewn onto new rumpus room throw pillows

Hate mail addressed to 'Current Occupant'

Instruction manual (in German) for my ex-wife’s deceased 

Uncle Carl's reel-to-reel wire recorder

Junk mailings mistakenly delivered to neighbor and regularly 

returned to me by him

KKK regional quarterly newsletter

Letter from Santa thanking young Timmie for 

“the yummy milk and cookies”

Message in half-empty Thums Up bottle

Notae bene

Original Sanskrit vegan recipes listing 99 things 

to do with chickpeas

Palimpsests

Quiz notes found in high-school yearbook from 1947

Russian translation of…anything

Secret decoder ring message detailing how to order 

secret decoder ring

To-do list of mine from last year jotted just prior 

to my second myocardial infarction  

Underwater-readable ransom note

Voyager golden record (facsimile) currently exiting 

the solar system 

Warning label on edible crayons manufactured 

in North Korea

“Xmas Greetings from Topeka” family newsletter 

(in green ink on red stock) reputedly from 

cousin Bela’s black Lab.

“You may already be a winner” direct mail envelope

Zen koan incorporated into geranium tattoo 

on blind date’s left bicep

 

A Textual Countdown (Unpub)

   "Approach but do noT ENter," said...

           …author Anais NIN, Enjoying a certain…

            "…one must wEIGH The options, of course, but...

          …yes, Adam, yeS, EVE, No, Mr. Serpent…

                 …si, Fidel, SI, Xavier, no, Raul…

                 …but only iF I’VE not been assassinated…"

          …report some oF OUR aircraft missing, having fallen...

       …into the river wiTH REEl and rod…

                  “…but thaT  WOuld be wrong,” added Mr. Nixon…

       …placing several ON Each doorstep. Then...

       …through the maZE, ROund the fountain…

                                                                 …and on into orbit.

The Death of Punctuation at Hands of Tweet (Unpub)

     Have rumors of its death been exaggerated…?

 

Ampersands…? Their fates be varied: 

[ ] dwindling  [ ] dying  [ ] dead & buried.

Apostrophe’s done: illit ’ratis have won.

The asterisk…? It's dead! (Just like Jack Dorsey *said.)

     * CEO of Twitter

Say a prayer for the bracket. Good lad. [Couldn’t hack it.]

 

The bullet has abused for years its

· .  mentors

· .     minions

   .   bosses

·.    peers

 

The death of the caret…?  Mon frere   cannot bear it.

                                                          ^

Adieu to cedillas: “Leçons pour gorillas.” *

     * Says my bro (whom I love).

       (He’s the bloke from above.)

Retir’d is the colon:

more time to go bowlin’...?

 

As for daggers (single, double)…?

Dead as dormice dipp’d in honey †

or some Raphi cucullati ‡ --

or the freakin’ Easter Bunny.

     † A delicacy served at ancient Roman banquets     

     ‡ Extinct dodos 

 

Life sans the comma…?

No comma, no drama!

 

Dashes dead -- em and en --…?

Just a matter of when.

 

The mark of exclamation’s gone,

eradicated. Let's move on!

 

To the misters who’ll miss

their ellipsis: Boo…! Hiss-s-s-ss…!

 

The full stop is gone.

It’s hung, quarter’d and drawn.

 

Leave it to the hyphen

to insert its two-edged knife in.

 

Next for parentheses…?

Epitaphs. (RIPs).

 

The pilcrow’s under stress…

¶ But now I must digress…

 

Quotes known as “curly”

are past their prime, surely!

 

“The ditto,” they said.

“  “     “   , he dead!”*

     * Like Conrad’s Mr. Kurtz, perhaps.

 

Diaereses…just on leave…?

How can you, Friend, be so naïve…?

Missing Middle Initials (Unpub)

A.  Milne, Y.  Tittle, Desir Armfeldt, "...Witch Woman..."

                                                             

Louis Meyer, Alice Toklas, Cecil DeMille, Johnny Goode, Ab Hoffman
                                                                                   

Jennie Riley, Arthur Clarke, W. Fields, C. Rider, K. Jones, M. Hammer

John Rockefeller, Robert Nero, Kermit Frog

Robert Lee, e. cummings, John Depp, Tom Tomorrow

John Kennedy, William Buckley, Hugh Ner

Edward Robinson, Warren Harding, Geor Porgey

D. Lawrence, Jesus Christ!

M. Blue, Dal Llama

Oliver Dragon, Simple Malarkey, Lee Cobb, Stephen Gould
 
Shai Ophir, W. Kellogg

John Lewis, John Sullivan, L. Cool-J, L. Bean

I. Pei, George Cohan

Sgt. (“Jim”) Smithe-Magee, Morg LeFay, Em Em

David Selznik, Scarlett Hara

J. Morgan, I. Freeley

John Public, Robert Lewis, Herr l'Poirot

Edward Murrow, Babb the Elephant

Ulysses Grant, B. Pully

P. Barnum, P. Green

R. Sleeping, Moon Zappa

Eugene Debs, Har Lembeck 

George Bush

Francis Bushman

E. Harburg, Hy d'Andansome

John DeLorean, Maire Doats 

Homonominems (Unpub)

Oliver and Oliver: 
a Hardy and a dragon.
A Remus with a Remus: 
one’s an uncle; one found Rome.
An Aron plus an Aaron: 
one’s OT and one’s a Trask.
Bert 'n' Bert:
a Muppet…and a Bobbsey, when at home.

A Castor and a Castor: 
one’s an oil and one’s a brother.
Dum with Dumb: 
a Tweedle and a cinematic fuck.
George plus George: 
the first’s a Founding Father; two’s a Weasley.
A Huey 'n' a Huey: 
one’s a rock star; one’s a duck. 

Luke and Luke: 

evangelist and Star Wars film persona.
Cubs and Kubs: 

a baseball team and scions of Br’er B’ar.
A patty and a Patty: 

one’s a burger; one’s a Bouvier.
Roy and Roy: 

one’s Arundhati; one’s a cowboy star.

An Archie and an Archie: 

one’s a roach and one’s a comic.

Dale and Dale: 

a chipmunk and a cowgirl (wife of Roy’s).

A Minnie and a Minnie: 

one’s a Driver; one’s a rodent.
A Thompson and a Thomson: 

twin detectives – Tintin’s boys.