O, Captains (America, Blood, Zero, Earth…): thou be nowt if not captains courageous.
Sev'ral captains, however (there's never a dearth), prove, on inquiry, captains outrageous.
Might not each, switching ships (here's an ABC’s worth), switch their cosmoses…? Ponder these pages.
What if Ahab had captain'd, instead of his Pequod, a carrack call’d Santa Maria...?
Then would Native Americans sigh with relief at the found'ring of "Chris's Idea"…?
And would hunting white whales, like all searches for grails, now be hail’d one more fail’d panacea…?
What if HMS Bounty'd been captain’d by Beefheart instead of by officer Bligh...?
Would its mutineers, rather than take to Tahiti, have open’d a bar in Dubai…?
And would Fletcher've been play’d not by Gable or Brando but some fa-a-a-ar less self-absorb’d guy…?
If Endeavour'd been captain’d, instead of by Cook, by one Cap'n Horatio M. Crunch,
then would Botany Bay be one stop, since that day, on some serial cereal brunch...?
And would Cook's tours be publicized "Crunch Tours" instead...? It’s a good bet they would. (Just my hunch.)
If the schooner We're Here had, as pilot, Der Captain of "Hans-und-Fritz" fame -- and not Disko,
then would young Harvey Cheyne have become Mama's bane and migrated from Gloucester to Frisco,
where, no longer a kid, he'd do scenes in a vid, playing Pancho to some sordid Cisco…?
What if ace Captain Eddie's belov'd Flying Fortress became Captain Eo's space vessel,
then would World War II prove but minor ado, scrub’d when Ed asks Herr Adolf: "Who'll wrestle!"…?
Or would spacetime get bent, with Ed's UFO sent back in time to snuff young Georgie Jessel…?
What if Flint and his Walrus became SS Feathersword and its eponymous captain…?
Would the foremention’d Feathersword balk at the switch, crying, "No bloody way I'm adaptin'!"?
And would Captain Fantastic, with no ship at all, of a sudden start speaking Sahaptian…?
What if George -- "Captain Seafood" – would try to usurp Captain Gantu's Galactic Armada…?
Would not Lilo and Stitch knuckle under and snitch…? What would happen…? In fact, next to nada:
George would grant Gantu's wish and serve everyone fish with a side of baked beans, blah-de-blah-dah...
What if Hook's Jolly Roger (which once was The Wasp) were by Hornblower re-christen'd Sutherland…?
Then would Captain Horatio, thereby bereft, with no ship to return to the motherland,
taunt Herge's Captain Haddock, "You've no ship as well…? Must we both end our days in some other land…?"…?
What if Captain Insano had thrown in the towel, crying, “Please, take the con, Captain Janeway!”…?
Then might Kate clear her throat, don some admiral’s coat, and observe, “That’s a rather inane way
to your title defend. Jan…u…ar…reee-e-e-e…! Girlfriend!” (Calling Kibbee’s a mu-u-u-uch less insane way.*)
* Guy Kibbee played January opposite Shirley Temple’s
Star in the film bearing his character’s name.
What if Captain James Kirk (Mr. Spock did the work) turn’d the Enterprise over to Kidd…?
What if Kidd, for his part (Kidd was never too smart) fail’d to fix on what Kirk and Spock did…?
Yes, and what if all three handed over the key in some Kangaroo takeover bid…?
Speaking of “Trek,” it's remiss not to check what a captain like Lorca might do
in a universe which – if you’ll pardon my kitsch – is unlike that in which me and you,
were we captains like him, might inspect, on a whim, the behaviors of Romulan Hugh.*
* A character appearing in seasons 5 thru 7 of TNG.
Below are a few of culture’s captains who might well figure in future verses:
Marvel Morgan Nemo Obvious Picard Queeg Ron Sisco
Sparrow Spaulding Teague Underpants Von Trapp
White Xavier Yuri Yamato Zoom Zack
