"Were I mad for Amadeus..." A Middle Nonsense (Goes A Long Way): A Nonsense Alphabet in Rhyme

     Were I 
mad for Amadeus, you can 
bet your bottom buck
     it's Wolfgang 
Mozart I'd adore, not Wolfgang 
Amadeus Puck.

     If of a 
Jones borne for a Butler I should 
boast, make no mistake:
     'twould be for 
Yeats (or "Wild Bill" Hickock), never 
William Butler Blake.

     When a 
Conan's whom reviewers of 
crime novels choose to feature,
     it's on 
Arthur Doyle they zero in, not 
Arthur Conan Treacher.

     I've spent 
days defending Delanos. I'd 
fain be thought the sort
to Franklin 
Roosevelt defend, not Franklin 
Delano DuPorte.

     Citing 
Ewart (as you rightly note, I 
know my statesmen well),
     it's William 
Gladstone whom I'm quoting, never 
William Ewart Tell.

     Whose 
middle name's Fitzgerald isn't 
without fail F. Scott.
     So: is he 
JFK? He might be. John Fitz-
gerald Locke he's not.

     Granted: 
'Grant' surnames Ulysses, Gogi, 
Cary, Lou and Finley...
     and's the 
mean of William Still. (There ain't no 
William Grant McKinley.)

     Will you 
hazard an opinion? I've asked 
Hazard to my party.
     Who's in-
vited? Perry! (Oliver.) Not 
Ollie Hazard Hardy.

     If it's 
Ilyich's gavottes, galliards and 
gigues that you'd be choosin.'
     choose Tchai-
kovsky's! (He don't dance, do Peter 
Ilyich Van Dusen.)

     If I 
mention J, as well I may while 
searching for my car key,

     Simple 
Simon's not my ref'rence. Nope, 'tis
Simple J. Malarkey.

     If I 
show the ol' "OK" to K, it's 
Shai Ophir to whom
     I flash that 
famous finger-thumb display, not
Shai K Rosenbloom.

     When for-
lorn, I long for Langhorne. (It's an
unrequited need.)
     But mark: I 
Samu'l Clemens miss, not Slammin'
Sam LaLanghorne Sneed.

     If it's 
Milhous mimes would mime (a dude dis-
turbed, a thane insane, he),
     Richard 
Nixon's who they fix on, never 
Richard Milhous Cheney. 

     Touting 
Nance (who's sans the laughing face), John 
Garner's whom I vaunt,
     not some plu-
pivotal Plantagenet like 
(say) John Nance of Gaunt. 

     When it's 
O I cite (in stories of, though 
likely to embarrass), 
     it's to 
David Selznick I refer, not 
David O. Sedaris. 

     Hailing 
Pierpont, it's J. Morgan I'm hal-
looing, not some meter man
     who 
monitors my gas -- and surely 
not J. Pierpont Peterman.

     Should 
"Q" head southwards from my mouth and 
should you find you've been in
     doubt I 
mean John Public -- well, I do. (I 
don't mean John Q. Lennon.)

     If 
tea you see me sip with Rice and
not some lesser crony,
     it's with 
Edgar Burroughs I imbibe -- not 
Edgar Rice O'Roni.

     When it's 
Schwenk-- all Schwenk; Schwenk all the time (the 
Brit and not the Yankee),
     William 
Gilbert's on, not William Schwenk De-
Schwenk aka "Schwenckie."

     Just whose 
middle name's 'Tecumseh'? There you've 
got me o'er a barrel.
     It is 
either William Sherman...him or 
Will Tecumseh Ferrell.

     Spare that 
girl her folks named 'Unit.' Must she 
die a gangsta rappa?
     No, not 
necessarily. Exhibit 
A? Moon Unit Zappa.

     Heard 
whining, "Thank you, Vining, but no 
thank you; I must dash,"
     I'm Arthur 
Davis thus declining, never 
Arthur Vining Ashe. 

     The 
Wilkes to whom I point in passin's 
not Miss Scarlett's swain
     but, rather, 
John Booth (Abe's assassin) -- and, Lord
knows, not John Wilkes Wayne. 

     I cite 
X the silent movie star (pre-
talkie), hoping you'll
     think, "Francis 
Bushman: he's the one." (Who's Francis
X the Talking Mule?)

     Letting 
Yipsel pass my lips, I mark no 
mediocre shmo
     but Edgar 
Harburg ("Yip"), not Edgar Yipsel 
Allen Poe, ya' know.

     And if a 
Z I race to see, it's not some 
seneschal of schlock. 
     It is, in 
fact, John Z. DeLorean. (Not 
J'hann Z. Bastian-Bach.)

"A's for Allegra allergic to nuts..." Abecedarial Allergy Allegory ala Gorey

A's for Allegra allergic to nuts.
B's for Burl's boils. (Burl's been huffin' mutts' butts.)
C's Clytemnestra. Her Nemesis...? Pollen.
Dag's dogg'd by dander. The itchin's appallin.'
Emmaline's caught the ergotamine plague.
Floyd's bane is Latex. (The source remains vague.)
G's Gioconda whose bete noire's raw wheat.
Hersch hates not soy, yet it's soy Hersch can't eat.
I is for Ilka "illergic" to fish.
Jayne's jinx...? Raw egg. Lay no egg in Jayne's dish.
K is for Kal. Milk's his fatal attraction.
Lee's bloody bee stings exact big reaction.
Maeve must avoid all prescribed penicillin.
Naps in the grass...? Nathan's flesh is unwillin.' 
O is for Oleg allergic to dust.
Poul is a mold-shirker. (Isn't he just.)
Q is for Quinton: no antibiotics.
Rodney's allergic to tsetses, though not tics.
Steffi's all stuffy. Her nose knows it's pollen.
Tartrazine causes Todd's tongue to grow "swahllen."
U is for Uta allergic to semen.
Vern discerns dust mites and's right away screamin.'
Winifred's allergies cause dermatitis.
Xavier binges on gluten -- to spite us.
Yuri and cephalosporins don't mix.
Zeke combines yogurt with ergot -- for kicks!