Hampden's Damp Hens:
1 Jethro,
a mononymous local character
2 Tamara,
a mononymous influencer
3 Virgil Lanty,
a police officer
4 Boadicea Hopp,
a liquor store cashier
5 Lee Gault-Ender,
a bank manager
6 Reed Hall-Abowditt,
a journalist
7 Yolanda Bonanno,
a piano teacher
8 Barbara "Babs" Boyd,
a widowed housewife
9 Fyvel L'Arme,
a volunteer fireman
10 Beryl O'Phunn,
an oyster shucker
11 Paddy O'Kaykes,
a pastry baker
12 X. Leigh Briss,
a bookseller
13 Marian Netz,
a puppeteer
14 Flora LeRaynjer,
a gardener
15 ______________,
a postal worker
16
a plumber
17
a painter
18
a mime
19
an alcoholic
20
The Verses:
Shines mein
lamp on each
Damp Hen o'
Hampden.
(So be
Hampden ha-
bitués
known.)
What they
do all day
really I've
noodled here
freely, in
hopes you their
foibles con-
done.
"I, as
'Kaiser o'
Hampden,' ad-
vise ev'ry
Damp Hen re:
what to do,
how, when 'n'
why.
(Any
Hampden ja-
moke who can-
not take a
joke gets from
Jethro a
poke in the
eye.)"
Upon
hearing "Lights...
cam'ra...," en-
dearing Ms
Tam'ra starts
tearing: "I
am ruddy
glum,
so these
tears you see
flow ain't so
nearly as
faux nor as
queer if I'd
low like me
mum."
Virgil
Lanty's a
cop, cory-
banting non-
stop -- often
ranting 'n'
popping his
gun.
Are you
Black or His-
panic...? You've
no need to
panic: just...
steadily...
headily...
run!
Boa-
dicea
Hopp, head ca-
shier in a
shop peddlin'
beer, never'd
swap that ca-
reer
for some
vile part-time
gig. "Ain't my
style. Can you
dig...?" (After-
while, folks just
smile 'n' say,
"Queer!")
Lee Gault-
Ender's town
banker; no
resident's
ranker. (Gault-
Ender's a
wanker to
boot.)
Lee be,
likewise, a
printer (read
'Illegal
minter'), ac-
counting for
Lee's loads o'
loot.
Mr
Reed Hall-Eb-
bowditt's most
greedy for
news. There's, in-
deed, few who
doubt this dude's
nose
for re-
portin' the
truth. (Are all
sorts of un-
couth steps re-
sorted to...?
Who the hell
knows!)
Ms Yo-
landa Bo-
nanno, who
teaches pi-
ano, tells
students, "You
can over-
come
your per-u
formance-day
fright: Such fear's
normal, al-
right...?" (Tho' this
lady, when
playin,' goes
numb.)
Barb'ra
Boyd, bred as
"Babs," be em-
ploy'd pickin'
crabs. (She shucks
oysters 'n'
mussels as
well.)
Can Babs
clams also
shuck...? Sure...plus
surplus, with
luck, Babs can
then on the
black market
sell.
Fireman
Fyvel L'Arme's
hoses (Poe's
poem pro-
poses) put
out -- without
doubt -- Hampden's
fires.
But the
blighters who
tell you he
lights 'em as
well...? Do those
schmucks burn in
hell! (Yep: they're
liars.)
This is
typical
“Hon” Mrs
Beryl Lowe-
Phunn, wearin'
hair in a
pair o' blonde
nests.
Dis here
do Hon had
done back in
'7-
1 stays un-
muss'd at dead
husbands' be-
hests.
Mr
Paddy O'-
Kaykes wakes at
3 a.m.,
bakes beaucoup
batches o'
cannabis
cookies,
treats he
vends to fast
friends. (Paltry
profits he
sends to a
bevy o'
lenders 'n'
bookies.)
X. Lee
Briss plugs used
books, farin'
well, so it
looks: folks shop
press'd three a-
breast at Lee's
store.
But if
new books you
need, my ad-
vice is: pro-
ceed to the
new Barnes &
Noble next
door!
(a work in progress)
