Visitations: An Outlandish Alphabet

Or, Von fremden -Landern und Menschen

Ackland visits Beulah Land 

November 19th, 2023, 

rows Ackland, Joss,

an actor (BAFTA nominee), 

life's moaning bar across.

[Aside to Ackland's kids -- all three: 

so sorry for your loss.]

      Evacuating Beulah Land, 

Joss wades, waist deep, Death's River.

Some pools are shallow; more, profound; 

chill waters make him shiver.

He'll reach, though, New Jerusalem: 

his mate's The Great Forgiver.

Boland visits Candyland

Sits Lady Catherine de Bourgh 

at Snobdom's apogee...?

She does -- tho' Mrs Bennet's 

just as uppity as she.

When querying Jane Austen fans, 

you'll find few disagree:

Ms. Boland nails Miss Austen's 

Mrs. Bennet to a T.

     Tho' bars earmark'd for lesbians 

today no longer thrive,

they did in Mary's heyday -- 

circa 1945.

One favor'd spot was Candyland, 

where Boland would contrive

to play the role of Sappho 

to Tallulah's carpet dive.

Cartland visits Disneyland, a tryst wherein the prolific 

novelist secretly liaises with a certain loquacious 

rodent.

Pink 'n' blondine Barb'ra reign'd 

Regina of Romance.

She'd seven hundred novels up her sleeve 

(or down her pants),

for each of which this pink-plumed lich 

procured a plump advance.

     But dough weren't all to Cartland. 

Gloriosky! Heavens, no!

She kept a flat in Disneyland 

where, weekends, Barb'ra'd go

to tete-a-tete with Mickey Mouse. 

(Bragg'd Barb, "Young Mick's me beau.")

 

Dowland visits Elfland, an appointment which finds 

the Renaissance composer asking Carroll's Sylvie 

and her brother Bruno for "a little help."

Melancholy John (dubb'd 

"Doleful Dowland," after all)

reign'd Prince of the Pavane: 

he spun a ton -- none folderol.

Imagine my surprise, then, 

when he penn'd a barcarole...

     ...which "carol" Dowland "bark'd" 

as he "embark'd" aboard his "barque"

to wend his way to Elfinland 

wherein to make his mark.

(Young Brun' 'n' Sylvie's Agéd P 

is Elfland's patriarch.)

  

Ekland visits Flatland, wherein a short soiree in 

A. Square's two-dimensional space distorts the 

zaftig Swede's own fuller dimensions.

"I'd fain to frolic free through Flatland," 

Ekland's wont's to say.

"My husbands warn me not to, 

but I've got to find a way...

...if not this week, this month, this year, 

I will do, one fine day."

     And, as you know, she'd fin'lly go, 

accomp'nied by A. Square,

the selfsame schnook who wrote the book; 

'twas Square who squired her there --

tho' all he'd git of busty Britt 

were disks -- indeed, a pair.

Falkland visits Graceland, where kitchen staffers 

promise to address the nobleman's craving for 

the King's favorite breakfast sandwich.

"A loaf of bread," the sous-chef read. 

"What's this...? The Rubaiyat...?

No 'wilderness'...? No 'wine'...? Confess: 

The Rubaiyat it's not."

"You unctuous oaf, a Fool's Gold Loaf," 

said I. "That's what you've got."

    The Viscount Falkland's frequent talk 

oft hawk'd just such cuisine.

"With bacon, bread, banana spread, 

with grape jam in between,

a jar of Jif...'tis all ours IF 

at Graceland we convene."

Garland visits Houyhnhnmland, booking the vessel 

Gulliver sailed while referencing a vehicle of her own 

-- a movie without Munchkins.

As Gumm, she visits Vaud'ville,* 

with her sisters joining forces.
As Gale, she trods Ozopolis, 

whose founder Baum, of course, is.
As Garland, so the stories go, 

she "had a thing for horses."
     "For years I plann'd that Houyhnhnmland 

be view'd," neighs Judy, prating.
"-inavia, Scand-...? Or Samarkand...? 

Both bores -- unstimulating.

A ship's required...? The Ant'lope's** hired: 

this child's so-o-o-o tired of waiting."

     * Not the ville of Vaud in Switzerland but a type 

of entertainment featuring burlesque songs and 

dances.

     ** The merchant ship Gulliver sails aboard on his 

first voyage. The boat Garland books is, of course, 

Antelope II, commissioned after its namesake is 

ost at sea.  

Holland and Howland visit Iceland...

Walt Kelly's fowl -- one Howland Owl -- 

joins Oscar's offspring Vyv.
They wend their way towards Iceland's Bay,* 

like Jumblies, in a sieve.

"We'll disembark," the pair remark, 

"when's found the place to live."

     "The land we'll need must (please, me heed!) 

o'erflow with mead," vows Vyvyan.

"May digs we build with figs be fill'd! 

And have a lav (a privy) in,"

returns the bird. "You mark my word: 

our lair I'll ne'er be skivvy in."

     * Hvalfjoddur...? Djupivogur...? Kopasker...? 

The verse isn't specific.

Ireland visits Jutland...

Will Ms. Ireland visit Jutland 

or will Jutland visit Jill...?
(Will the hill approach Mahomet 

or will he approach the hill...?
Will she and he pour herbal tea...? 

And which of 'em will spill...?)

     "The beast that's Norway/Sweden 

seems about to bite, perhaps,

the snack that's Jutland -- 

or at least it looks so on my maps,"

announces Jill. "Yet go I will...

before ol' Gabe blows taps." 

Jenny Land (sic) etc. visit Kenorland...

Jenny, John 'n' Jack (et al.), 

by any other name --

say, 'Lind' or 'Lund' or 'London' -- would, 

no doubt, remain the same.

Their new-name spree's a mystery. 

So: what might be their aim...?

     These three long plann'd of Kenorland 

le tour de grande to take.

Then Gower* claim'd, "To be renamed 

an effort you must make:

In Kenorland, real names be bann'd; 

each passport must be fake."

     * Charles F. Gower (full footnote to come) 

Kirkland visits Legoland... 

"I understand that Legoland 

some cove call'd Kirk* did build
in Billund's sticks** of plastic bricks. 

This bloke (no joke!) was skill'd.
Mark'd such its birth. Now much of earth 

with Legolands*** is fill'd."

     "'Tis nothing new. I'm call'd Kirk, too," 

Ken's heard, on cue, to say. 

"And Kens call'd 'Kirk' don't duty shirk. 

With us, more work, less play.

In Legoland I'll plant my grand.**** 

Once there, my plan's to stay."

     *Full footnotes to come.

Lackland visits "...my land..."*

Big brother, Richard Lionheart, 

sheds blood in holy lands

while Eleanor of Aquitaine, 

his mom, her clout expands

and he himself capitulates 

to barons' fair demands.

     "Few feudal fiefs be left to me; 

what are be scrubs 'n' sands,"

moans John, once 'once 'n' future dunce.' 

"Of them I wash my hands.

But lands which Woody sings about

prove Guthrie understands."

     *I.e., from the redwood (not Sherwood) forests 

to the gulf stream (not For Britain far-right party 

founder Anne Marie) waters. 

Moreland visits Nyasaland...

"I'm Mantan call'd. I'm black. I'm bald. 

I've Marty Feldman eyes.*

What gigs I got...? Just nigrahs' lot. 

I soon this plot surmise.

Where'd thrive my brand...? Nyasaland, 

I've come to realize...

     ...a place where people look like me. 

There might there be the chance

to land some parts which vaunt my arts, 

my stature to advance.

T'allot that spot a shot I've got! 

(If not, I'll dance in France.)"

     *The condition is called ophthalmos. Some mss 

at this point in the text read "Popeye Jackson eyes," 

referring to a character Alfre Woodard plays in the 

film "Miss Firecracker." Other mss read "Satchmo 

Armstrong eyes" or "Bette Davis eyes." Still others, 

referencing a classic comic strip, read "Goo-goo-

googly eyes" or "Barney Google eyes." All are late 

copies.

Ned Land visits Opryland

"With a whaling song one 'shant' go wrong. 

I've sung along a few.
Of 'Dead Man's Chest' and all the rest...? 

I've sung them shanties, too.

These days such lays bring just malaise: 

I'm needing numbers new."

     "I'll shout, 'How-DEE!' to Minnie P.* 

(First mate were she of mine.

Ms. Minnie's hat...? That's where it's at.) 

I'll channel Patsy Cline.

Pick steel guitar! Hick repertoire: 

(sic) 'Clemen Darlingtine'**!"

     *Minnie Pearl, with her price-tagg'd hat and 

"How-DEE!" greeting, appeared for 50 years at 

Nashville's Grand Ole Opry.

     **Spooner's take on an iconic folk ballad.

Oland visits Poland...

Orner Woeland visits Poland...? 

A, E, I, O, U!

Status-Quo Land...? Songs of Roe Land...? 

Do I...? Deed I do!

So-'n'-So Land...? Toe-to-Toe Land...? 

Haven't got a clew.

     Undertow Land..? Voh-D'yoh-Doh Land...? 

Dew-wah-dew-wah-dew!

Tears of Woe Land...? X 'n' O Land...? 

Yessir! Just a few. 

Yoh-Heave-Hoh Land...? Just Ain't Zoe Land...? 

(P.S.: I ♥ you.)

     Portlands visit Quirpon Island...

"Aurora's lights! Great whales! Such sights!" 

these Portland gals agree.
Rene ("Coach") Portland, Portland Hoffa, 

Portland Mason -- three
who long to Borealis glows 

and breaching ceti see.

     "But where to go to share said glow...?" 

the mid-sized Mason mused.

"I know a spot," back Hoffa shot, 

"where once I summer-cruised."

Rene stood still; she knew the drill. 

"We three shall be amused."

Quinland (Sama Chaka) fails to visit The Rhineland...

He sheds no tears. "I'll 30 years 

do standing on my head..."

boasts SCQ when sentenced to 

three decades by the Fed.

"...and once I'm done begins the fun. 

The Rhineland's fine, I've read."

     One decade's pass'd. As of May last, 

the poor young man remains

lock'd up in stir. What plans there were...? 

Committed to the drains.

"My Rhineland trek...? A rainstorm check 

I took. So: cue the rains! 

Roland failing to visit Santaland, instead visits 

Slumberland... 

When knights were "in," a paladin 

of Charlemagne's named Roland 

postponed his trip to Santaland 

("I'm put off by its Pole...") and, 

facto post, was render'd toast -- 

laid low by angry Basques. 

("If gone ahead he had instead, 

might yet he live...?" one asks.)

Some Sutherlands visit Toyland...

So: what do the Sutherlands 

travel to Toyland to see...? 

Exhibits of Tinkertoys...? 

Lincoln Logs...? Legos...? All three...? 

Does Donald deem sex toys  "ephebic"...? 

Does Kiefer agree...?

Tollund Man visits Uppland... 

I dreamt while ditching Uppland once 

a dead guy did I see 

who hang'd had been by pious men 

for some grim diety.

I woke in bed and spoke in dread: 

"There but for him goes...qui...?"

Ugland visits "Vineland"...

Eric join'd, then left the circus. 

Now he's busy crafting text. 

"Now I'll pen a Pynchon novel; 

that's the tome which I'll do next." 

(He will never write a second "Vineland"; 

that's what's got him vex'd.) 

Vreeland visits Wonderland...

Into Wonderland Diana  

would insert some haute couture.

"I'll garb the men in Ralph Lauren 

and Saint Laurent, for sure.

The Court of Hearts...? Those ladies 

I'll array with more allure: 

     I'll dress the Queen in bombazine 

from Elsa Schiaparelli.

The Duchess...? Bang! Some Vera Wang 

(with scent by Matchabelli). 

I'll Alice drape in cape of crepe 

once sported by Grace Kelly. 

Wanda Landowska visits Xochitlan...

Visiting Xochitlan 

with her Pleyal harpsichord, 

Wanda brought Scarlatti 

to that lucky Latin horde, 

though some Xochitlanistas, 

stifling yawns, remark'd, "Good Lord: 

five-hundred-plus sonatas! 

We have never been so bored," 

while others riffled through their programmes; 

several simply snored. 

(It seems absurd but none'd e'er heard 

a B-diminished chord.)

X. X. Philanderinsky visits Yorubaland...

"Yoruba teens be total 10s 

in terms of pulchritude. 

The lads I've met...? Their skin's like jet. 

The girls...? All eb'ny-hued.

     I, Geographic's top photog, 

insist: they must be view'd.

(As is but just, I further trust, 

that females must be nude.)"

     Then, lens in hand, he zoom'd 'n' pann'd. 

No pose did he exclude.

"Though I'm no prude," opined the dude, 

"I ban all angles lewd."

     This caveat him nowhere got: 

the man has since been sued.

Yolande tries to visit Zeeland...

The Lady from Sri Lanka 

wished to immigrate to Zeeland, 

North Dakota,

but was turn'd back at the border:

seems that city -- of Sri Lankans -- 

had a quota.

Zoolander visits Auckland... 

When chat veers towards 

havens for birds, 

Mr. Zoolander's 

wa-a-ay more than talk -- 

in re aves, 

the King of the of Nerds. 

(Derek Zoolander's 

walkin' the walk.)

     "I rejected those islands 

call'd Falkland

as, decidedly, 

'not for the birds,'

then selected ten hectares

in Auckland -- 

after clearing the

crocodile herds.

     "Now I've built 

not a jail but an Eden, 

an appropriate home 

for the hawk

and the Japanese quail 

and the five kinds of rail

and the hen and the wren... 

and the auk."

     Coda (pace Woody Guthrie) 

Landers, Landis, 

Landon, Bland,

Landry, Landqvist, 

Nyland...and

that Czecho 

Ivan Landl* (sic) --

these Lands are your Lands: 

take your pick!

     * Ann, John, Michael, Sandra, Tom, Seth, 

Orjan...not to mention the Common Eland.

Gondwanaland 

and Land-o'-Lakes --

and La-La-Land, 

for heaven's sakes.

Plus Finland, Vinland, 

Ryker's Island:

pick ye not! 

Each Land is my land.