The Friends of Lady Mondegreen

Forfend! Forfend! Who’d be a friend to Lady Mondegreen?
The woman slew a gnu I knew and laid him on the green.

And yet the gal’s had sev’ral pals: one’s Thomas, Lord DeBoome,
who sued a gnu he knew, on whom Lord Thomas low'red the boom. 

Another mate she’s dated lately? Dr. Juan Muntz-Wayjez.
Juan skinn'd her cat. On top of that, he dock’d her one month’s wages.

I once was told the Lady'd stroll'd with Elder Downen-Growpter.
That man’s a rake. He stalk'd my snake, then held her down and groped her. 

When toothache struck, "'Degreen" had luck with Captain Irv Le Smoler,
who brush’d her gums with just his thumbs, then capp’d a nerveless molar.

Affairs she's had with pairs of lads. There's Ronnie 'n' Bjorn Plummer.

Ron numbers ran. Young Bjorn was an Iranian-born plumber.

This lady knew a host, a slew. The best one? Herr Rhett Henchun.

Rhett danced the jig. And, in his wig and vest, won her attention. 

With husband Fred (she fin'ally wed Alfredo FitzHone-Chaddow)
she's not shared beds. It turns out Fred's afraid of his own shadow.

My verse must end. But I'll not friend the Lady Mondegreen.
She slew her husband. Why? Because! (And laid him on the green.)
 

Voices from the Nursery

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey.
Said Muff to a spider who sat down beside her,
"Ya'll git yer own whey! F**kin' A!" 

Ding, dong, bell.
Pussy's in the well. 
Who put her in?
You did? Bloody Hell! 

Mary had a little lamb.
Like snowdrift was its fleece.
And everywhere that Mary went
the lamb went. Jeez Louise! 

Three blind mice! 
See how they run!
They all ran after the farmer's wi-...
Hey! Are we freakin' done? 

Baa-baa, Black Sheep:
have you any wool?
Not one bagful?
What a load o' bull!

Abel's Up in the Air or 13 Losers: a Nonsense DIY

Abel's up in the air.
Sluggish out of the box.
Lax when after the fox. 
Unlike NFL ___________.

lox   jocks   flocks   socks   cocks   docs

Cedric’s earn’d our contempt.
Always down in the dumps.
Can’t get over speed bumps
Loath to taking his ___________.

mumps   jumps   lumps   humps   thumps

Efrem’s up to his ears.
Grazes outside the fence.
Months behind with his rents.
Isn’t worth your two _____________.

pence   stents  Kents   cents   gents   dents

Gerhardt’s up to no good.
Skirts the top of the heap.
Won't look after his sheep.
Those who read of him _____________ .

creep   peep   reap   sleep   weep   (bleep)

Ilja skates on thin ice.
Never’s in on the joke.
Piglet in his own poke.
Someone fix him: he's ___________.

smoke   Coke   woke   broke

Kyle spends life on his knees.
Too far out on a limb.
He gives in to each whim
Senor Blue-Sky: that's ___________.

brim   vim   Tim   grim   him

Manute's lacking a map.
Won't abandon the nest.
Last bloke in on each jest.
Manute! Give it a _____.

test   breast   chest   guest   pest   rest

Opie’s down (some say "out").
Well beyond the perim-.  
Opie’s nearing his lim-.  
(The whole gang feels for _________.

shim   Tim   brim   vim   him   Jim

Quark keeps on the QT.
Never's off to the races.
Can’t match our swift paces:
It’s the saddest of ________________.

aces   braces   cases   faces   places   maces 

Steve lives under a spell.
Always over the top.
Self esteem? Not one drop.
Even fails as a _________________

cop   mop   flop   pop

Uve’s down the "up" stair,
doesn’t lower his voice.
Options? None that are choice..
(In short, not very _______.

Boyce   noice   Joyce                                                                                                         
Waxman’s kept under wraps.
He's (without the "X" factor)
toss'd under the tractor.
(His wife? Friends __________.)

redact her   just sack'd her   bush-whack'd 'er   unpack’d her   

Yazzer’s "back of the yards,"
too far out of the zone,
well beyond reach by phone.
(Someone! Throw Yaz a _____!)

cone   drone   moan   roan   crone   bone

A Run of Covers

Time shall march on, but to flamacues new.
Shall the future breed cover bands…? Surely a few.
Able Was I: only palindrome lyrics.
Cadre: few triumphs, and all wholly Pyrrhics.

Effusion: a foursome less fab, more forlorn. 
Ghosts In Machines: two kazoos, one French Horn. 
I, Jambot: from Ijamsville. Don’t know from jam. 
Klangfarb: still tepid about ’em I am. 

Mnemosyne’ll jam in an unGrateful vein.  
Operabuffa shall classic'lly train. 
Quare…? They'll win EuroVis ’40...nude.
Stone Stupid: pre-pre-teens whose caliber’s crude.  

The Rays: artists formerly known as UV. 
The Wax…? Yeah, they’ll polish your ride. For a fee. 
San Yzidro:  this band's pious, bless’d by a pope.
As there’s bound to be others, abandon all hope!