Two VERY Short Stories From One Anagram Pair

For sale: baby shoes; never worn. 
                                     -- E. Hemingway

Hoary barbs for less? We've none.
                                                  -- U. Poe 

(We do stock a line of moderately priced barbs.)

The Trials: A Lament

I've tried 

to imagine myself 

a fine fellow. 
I've tried 

to suppose myself 

some sort of saint. 
I've tried 

to remold me 

in manieres most mellow. 

I've tried 

one pluperfect self-portrait 

to paint. 
I've tried 

to imagine I'm 

ev'ry bloke's bestie, 

a guy 

lacking guile 

and mendacity's taint. 
I've tried, 

since a kid, 

of all sin to be rid. 
I've tried -- 

heaven knows how I've tried. 

I just cain't.