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Wednesday, August 11, 2021

The Complete Tw12ve (Unpub)

Numbers may be communicated in the form of 
expressions -- written or spoken -- using numerals 
('1,' '3.1416...,' '4 + 4,' etc.) and in the form of 
words ('one,' 'three point one four one six,' four plus 
four,' etc.). 

The following observations are made with reference 
to expressions in the form of words.

Among whole numbers from zero through twelve, 
four of them may be expressed as three-letter words: 

     ’one,’ ‘two,’ ‘six’ and ‘ten.' 

In addition, ‘and,’ a so-called function word, is also 
a three-letter word. 

Thus there are a total of five three-letter words. 

Also among the set of whole numbers expressed as
words are four four-letter words:
 
     ’four,’ ’five,’ ‘nine’ and ‘zero.' 

In addition, ‘plus,’ a function word, is a four-letter 
word. 

Thus there are a total of five four-letter words. 
(We disregard the symbol '+' as being, strictly 
speaking, neither a word nor a numeral.) 

Further, there are among that set three five-letter 
words: 

     ‘three,’ ‘seven,’ and ‘eight.'
 
Moreover, ‘minus,’ a function word, is a five-letter 
word. 

Thus there are four five-letter words. (The symbol '-' 
is disregarded similarly as per the symbol '+' above.) 

Finally, among that set there are two six-letter words: 

     ‘eleven’ and ‘twelve.’

To summarize:

five three-letter words: 
     'one,' 'two,' 'six,' 'ten,' (plus 'and' )
five four-letter words: 
     'four,' 'five,' 'nine,' ('plus' and 'zero') 
four five-letter words: 
     'three,' 'seven,' 'eight,' (plus 'minus') 
two six-letter words: 
     'eleven,' (plus 'twelve')          

Note that several of these 16 words appear between 
parentheses in the above list. This is because none of 
the expressions observed below is constructed using 
any of the words so appearing. It is with reference to 
expressions formed from combinations of only 11 words, 
therefore (i.e., those words not in parentheses) -- four 
three-letter words, three four-letter words, three 
five-letter words and one six-letter word -- that the 
observations are made.

These 11 words, i.e., the words designating the whole 
numbers between 0 and 12 -- excepting 0 and 12 -- 
plus 'and,' can be combined in various ways to yield a 
series of 12-letter expressions (not counting spaces 
between words or implicit punctuation) of which the 
numerical value is 12.
 
     E.g., ‘one, one and ten’ is such an expression, the 
words of which contain a total of 12 letters and the 
value of which, expressed in numerals, is 12. 

So is the expression ‘eight and four,' and so forth. 

So far, 22 such expressions have been constructed. 
11 of them – precisely one half of the number of 
expressions constructed and a total identical with 
the count of number words drawn upon -- employ 
the word 'and'; precisely 11 of them do not. 

Here they appear in a simple array (fig. 1):

O N E O N E AN D T E N
O N E T E N A N D ON E
O N E F O U R S E V E N
O N E S E V E N F O U R
O N E A N D E L E V E N
TWO  TWO  TWO  S I X
T WO T WO S I X T WO
T WO S I X T WO T WO
T H R E E A N D N I N E
F O U R O N E S E V E N
F O U R FO U R F O U R
F O U R S E V E N O N E
F O U R A N D E I G H T
F I  V E A N D S E V E N
S I X T WO T WO T WO
S E V E N A N D F  I V E
S E V E N O N E F O U R
S E V E N F O U R O N E 
E I G H T A N D F O U R
N I  N E A N D T H R E E
T E N O N E AN D O N E
E L E V E N A N D O N E

          (fig. 1) 

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   

                                          E I G H T A N D F O U R
                     F O U R A N D E I G H T 
                                       T E N O N E A N D O N E
                              O N E T E N A N D O N E 
            O N E O N E A N D T E N                              
                                  S E V E N F O U R O N E
                                  S E V E N O N E F O U R 
                                  S E V E N A N D F I V E 
                         O N E S E V E N F O U R 
                      F O U R S E V E N O N E 
             F O U R O N E S E V E N 
              F I V E A N D S E V E N 
            O N E F  O U R S E V E N                            
                                E L E V E N A N D O N E 
             O N E A N D E L E V E N 
                                  N I N E A N D T H R E E  
          T H R E E A N D N I N E
 
                         T W O T W O T W O S I X 
                          S  I X T W O T W O T W O
                 T W O S I X T W O T W O
       T W O T W O S I X T W O                                      
                                       F O U R F O U R F O U R
 
                                     (fig. 2) 

 
                E I G H T A N D F O U R
                                        F O U R A N D E I G H T
                                 T E N O N E A N D O N E
                                           O N E T E N A N D O N E
                                           O N E O N E A N D T E N
                        S E V E N F O U R O N E
                          S E V E N O N E F O U R  
                                          O N E S E V E N F O U R
                                       F O U R S E V E N O N E
                                       F O U R O N E S E V E N
                                          O N E F O U R S E V E N
               E L E V E N A N D O N E
                                           O N E A N D E L E V E N

                                   T W O T WO T W O S I X
                           S I X T W O T W O T W O
                                   T W O S I X T W O T W O
                                   T W O T W O S I X T W O
                                       F O U R F O U R F O U R
 
                                 N I N E A N D T H R E E
                                 T H R E E A N D N I N E
                                  F I V E A N D S E V E N 
                                 S E V E N A N D F I V E

                                              (fig. 3)

All but five expressions include 'e,'; all but five include 
'n,' and all but four include 'e,' as the figs above show.

Not the least interesting aspect of this phenomenon, 
of course, regardless of the manner in which its elements 
are arrayed, is the fact of its random character. That 
these word combinations can be assembled to yield the 
value of 12 is based largely on the chance circumstances 
of their containing the number of letters they do and the
way they are spelled. Obviously the same condition would 
not obtain, or would do so in some different manner, using 
number words from languages other than American English.
                                                                             
* *  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

To create 3x4-letter blocks, the 12 letters of each expression 
above may be ordered in various ways -- left-to-right, right-
to-left, alternate (beginning from either end), top-to-bottom, 
inward- or outward-turning spirals beginning at different loci
and so forth. 

Inserting the letters in order left to right into four-letter rows 
and stacking these rows three-deep, top to bottom, results 
in blocks as in the following figures:

>  O N E O            >    E I GH
>  N E A N            >    T A ND
>  D T E N            >     F OUR          etc.

The 22 blocks so constructed may be variously arrayed, 
these different arrays possessing various kinds of 
symmetry. 

One possible array, shown below...

The 12 Dyes of Xmas (Unpub)

     On the 
first day of Xmas, I 
sent a gift to
you
     dyed 
"Xmas-Without-You-It's-A"
Blue.
 
     On the 
second day, another gift (you’re 
dared to put it 
down)…
     dyed 
"Let's-Pretend-That-He-Is-Parson"
Brown.
 
     On the 
third day, a further gift (one 
gives because one
can)…
     dyed 
"Tannenbaum-O-Tannenbaum"
Tan.
 
     On the 
fourth day, one more (I pray my 
verse has not grown
cold)…
     dyed 
"Rings-Six-Geese-A-Laying-Five"
Gold.
 
     On the 
fifth day, more bounty, some from 
eBay, sight un-
seen…
     dyed 
"Sleeves-And-Who-Else-But-My-Lady"
Green.
 
     On the 
sixth day of Xmas, (please don’t 
open until 
Jan) a 
     gift dyed 
"Claus-I-Saw-Mommy-Kissing"
Xant’a.
 
     On the 
seventh (you'll adore this one at 
least I hope you
might)…
     dyed 
"Christmas-I-Am-Dreaming-Of-A"
White.
 
     On the 
eighth, again (I hear you cry: "This 
guy is quite the 
joker!")…
     dyed 
 "-Risthmas-Tree-O-Kristhmus-(sic)-Tree"
Ocher.
 
     On the 
ninth day, a gift you’ll not, of 
course, receive a
bill fer…
     dyed 
"Bells-It's-Xmas-In-The-City"
Silver.
 
     On the 
tenth day, one dyed by me, right 
in my kitchen
sink…
     dyed 
"At-Your-Nose-Jack-Frost-Is-Nip-..."
Pink.
 
     On the 
eleventh (who inaugurates such 
nonsense…? No one
knows!)…
     dyed -- 
no lie! -- a "Lo-E'er-Blooming-How-A"
Rose.
 
     On the 
twelfth day, a final gifting 
from the Xmas
Fairy…
     dyed 
"Cheeks-Like-Roses-Nose-Like-A"
Cherry... 
     
     ...and to
all a hurly-burly, never 
surly, awf'lly early, rarely
churly, string-o’-pearly, none too 
curly (heartfelt, surely), "Very
Merry!"

The Arts of Letters A to J (Unpub)

The arts of A…? Apartheid arts.
Herr Herge's Alph-Art hardly starts.* 
Each agitates one’s applecarts.
 
     * Tintin's final (and incomplete) adventure 

The arts of B broach Bogart's arts
Bart Simpson's, Beaux-‘ ‘n’ Bonaparte's. 
(Regard 'em – partly -- braggarts' arts.)  

The arts of C be arts o’ chart
C's arts appear at Nimes and Chartres.  
Corot owns stock in Cuisineart.  

Shiv-sharpen'd darts draw D's deft arts: 
D'Artagnan hurls 'em, then departs.  
Asks arch Cartesian R. Descartes: 
"DArtful Dodgers, play their parts?"  

Each E enjoys its eBART arts
while F, through “artch’ry,” flings its farts.
(The farther 'part, the finer th'arts.) 
 
One art of G…? ‘Tis go-kart art,
though some's kick-started by Moss Hart
An art of H…? Its art's all heart.

The art of I, in fits 'n' starts, 
imparts, much like that smart-ass Bart,*
an artlessness unto its art.
 
     * Cf stanza two above. 

The arts of J employ the jart.  

Spoonerfuls of Shakespeare (Unpub)

The Vergin’ Tough Menace

Sue Lee…? Us…? Gee, Sir!

Lamb…? Et!

Back, Meth!

Laurie’ll Cane Us.

Limbaugh, Sighin’

“Cara! Ple-e-ease!”

A Tinter’s Whale

Fen Wreath of Hith

Ameriqa (Unpub)

It once was call’d the USA.
Its polis…? All-American!
But that, my friend, was yesterday.
Today it’s Upper-Handustan
The tyrant there’s a billionaire,
an autocratic Uberman
who swears allegiance to the ban-
derole of Upper-Handustan.

Who We Are (Unpub)

So racist. So sexist.
So partisan, no…?
So two-faced. So glib.
So “how-low-can-we-go…?”

So vicious. So cruel.
So “we’d-rather-not-know.”
So baldly dishonest.
So soulless. So faux.

So “ubi est mea…?”
(It’s always the dough.)
So intolerant, crude.
So unwilling to grow.

So shameless. So wrong.
So unprincipled…
                             whoa! 
So: is this who we are …?
Yes, apparently so.

Even Mo' Moes (Unpub)

53: Moe Lotov, the Jewish Anarchist
49: Moe M’rath, the Jewish Nonsense Poet
48: Moe Ment O’Truth, the Celtic-Jewish Bullfighter

46: Moe Nark, the Jewish Entomologist
45: Moe Nopoly, the Jewish Industrialist
44: Moe Ney, the Jewish Impressionist 

43: Moe Noral, the Jewish Vintage Vinyl Record Collector
42: Moe Nastique, the Jewish Hermit
41: Moe Narky, the Jewish Royalist

40: Moe Nacco, the Jewish Croupier
39: Moe Nadd, the Jewish Biology Professor
38: Moe Naleessa, the Jewish Crossdresser

Sha-Na-Nahnsense (Unpub)

Anna-na Karenina-na…?
Da! This novel’s Tolstoy’s.
Banana-nas…? Chiquita sends us
handfuls…boatloadsconvoys!
 
“Uncle Tom’s Cabaña-ña”…?
From ‘toon director Avery.
Diana-na…? A princess snuff’d
in incidents unsavory.
 
Bay-bed Epifauna-na…?
They choke the Chesapeake.
The Erin Isle’s Fermanagh-nagh…?
Their soup’s potato/leek.
 
Equestrian Gymkhana-na…?
A horse-‘n’-rider playdate.
Gabriel’s Hosanna-na…?
Judaic. (Tough to translate.)
 
Tennessee’s The Night of the Iguana-na…?
More Streetcar.
Jonah-nah…? Got swallow’d
by a fish. I read his memoir.
 
Hurricane Katrina-na…?
A cryin’ shame! A pity!
Slovenia’s Ljubljana-na…?
It’s Cleveland’s sister city.
 
Peggy Lee’s Mañana-na…?
It’s “soon enough for” her.
Nirvana-na…? Lord Buddha asks,
“Which bliss do you prefer…?”
 
“Oh, Donna-na” moved up the Hot 100
when he* died.
The Amazon’s Piranha-nha…?
Go swimming…? You decide!
 
     * Its composer and earliest
performer, Richie Valens
 
Manuel Jose Quintana-na…?
He penn’d Pelayo.
Bactrian Rukhsana-na…?
I must reread her bio.
 
The riverboat Sultana-na…?
Its first three boilers blew.
Mexico’s Tijuana-na:
I shan’t go there. Shall you…?
 
I studied at Champagne/Urbana-na –
for four plus years.
Peruvian Vicuña-ña Vicuña-ña…?
Dear deers!
 
Country girl Wynonna-na…?
Sang Country as a Judd.
Warrior princess Xena-na…?
She guzzl'd dragon’s blood.
 
Yerba Buena-na…?
It’s class’d as C. douglasii.
New York state suburb Zena-na…?
Its yards…? Green-grassy.
                                      ‘Bye.

Vowels (Upub)

She hates the streetcar rides, 
and so, it’s true: she, sometimes dryves.
     The skates and eels are diving 
over Lou’s...and, sometimes, Sy’s.
     Those hayfields he and I 
must mow: don’t you ask, sometimes, “Why…?”s…?
     The daytime streaks; 
the night moves slower, nu...?  Yet, sometimes, flyes.
     This haze won’t ease my eies. 
My nose I’ll use. (That’s, sometimes, wyse.)
     I make a meal of rice cakes, 
okra stuws…and, sometimes, pyes.

Christmas Day: A Mare Egg...

     "A Mare Egg, Her Wrist, "Miss Two 'U'"