Bardworks in Time of Drumpf (Unpub)

Drama chronicles development of 

“Get Out Drumpf Vote” support package 

for base aka groundlings:

     “The Ass You Like” Kit
 
Drumpf, self-styled king (albeit of beasts) 

tweets on and on about anything and 

nothing at all:

     Simba, Lyin’

 
POTUS unleashes tweet shitstorm 

as winning sports teams ignore 

Rose Garden photo ops:

     The Trump, Piss’d

 
President’s Treasury Secretary squirrels 

away sizeable billionaire tax breaks…

and then hurriedly resigns:

     Mnuchin Does ‘Bout Nuthin’

Series of tableaux portrays Drumpf’s 

dreadful offspring:

     Rich Heirs…? They’re Turds

Tragic reenactment of installation 

of Donald's golden toilet at The Tower.

     King’s John
 
And are synopses even necessary for:

     King Leer, 

     Oaf Fellow, 

     “Cor! He’s All Anus!”  

     Comedy or “Hair”rrors…?

The B U G Bugs (Unpub)

A's for Donald
Rumsfeld: A Bug --
angry, awful
ABU Ghraib Bug!
 
B's for B Bug:
Ms. Savitsky,
bitchin' Bella
ABzUG Bug!
 
C's for C Bug:
John Belushi,
"-burger, cheese-!" (Cheese-
BUrGer Bug!)
 
D’s D Bug:
Marlene Dietrich,
Deutsch-treat BlaUe
EnGel Bug!
 
E's for E Bug:
King Kong: esca-
lator’d E. State
BUildinG Bug.
 
F’s for F Bug:
just Jean Tinguely,
fabled FreiBoUrG
Fauvist Bug!
 
G’s for G Bug:
“No Lies” Lincoln,
gabby Gettys-
BUrG Address Bug!
 
H…? For H Bug:
Little Toot: the
hapless happy
harBor tUG Bug!
 
I's for I Bug:
Adolf Hitler: 
Herr "Is Paris
BUrninG…?" Bug!
 
J's for J Bug:
Oscar Hammer-
stein: "June's BUstinG
Out All O-…" Bug!
 
K's for K bug:
Boris I,* the
karmic Khan (BUl-
Gar’an) Bug!
 
     * Boris the First, of course –
i.e., not Boris Ingelheim the
New Jersey orthodontist.
 
L…? For L Bug:
Wolverines: the
"I Love Thee, Li'l
Brown JUG" Bugs!
 
M…? M Bug: The
Artist’s* "The Most
BeaUt'ful Goil In
Woild" Bug!
 
     * Formerly known as
somebody else
 
N's for N bug:
Ms. Monroe: 
the nubile Nude-on-
Bear-rUG Bug!
 
O's for O bug:
K. L. Bates*: "Oh,
BeautifUl For
Spacious...Grain" Bug!
 
     * Composer of "America the
Beautiful" Katherine Lee Bates.
 
P's for P bug:
A. Carnegie:
philanthropic
PittsBUrGh Steel Bug!
 
Q's for Q Bug:
Marx, aka
QuackenBUsh (ne
Groucho) Bug!
 
R's for R Bug:
Michael Richards:
racist RaBid
JUnkyard DoG Bug!
 
S…? S bug: for
Messers Flatt and
Scruggs: two Southern
BlUeGrass Bugs!
 
T's for T bug:
Joseph Gibbs: a
Turncoat BUrgun-
dy 'n' Gold Bug!
 
U’s U Bug:
United Ara-
Bic RepUb' of
EGypt Bug!
 
V's for V Bug:
C. Bartholin*:
“VestiBUle...Va-
Gina” Bug!
 
     * The Younger.
 
W’s Bug is
Patrick Henry:
WilliamsBUrg Gun-
powder Bug!
 
X…? For X bug:
Ryken*: Xav’er-
ian Bro from
BrUGge Bug!
 
     * I.e., T. J. Ryken.
 
Y's for Y bug:
Rodgers:* "You've Got
Caref'lly to Be
TaUGht" Bug!
 
     * Richard, of course, not
Roy – note spelling (orthography,
of course, not Tori).
 
Z's for Z Bug:
Pike: Z-z-z-breeding
ZeBUlon Mont-
Gom'ry Bug!

An Ep(idem)ic of <-Ayds> (Unpub)

I’ve been afraid to've been array'd
(though most faux fears have been allay’d).
At thirteen I was "all the way"'d: 
bouquet'd, buffet'd, bidet’d, betray’d.  
 
I've been Calais'd. I’ve been Cathay’d.
In Mandalay, café au lait’d.
At luncheon, I was consomme'd --
and, for dessert, was creme brulee'd.
 
I've been crochet'd. I’ve been croquet’d. 
(God knows we all have been cliche'd.)  
I've been display'd, dismay'd, delay'd -- 
first dossier'd, then "lef' fer dade." 
 
I've been eBay'd, been "ev'ry day"'d.  
En fin, I've (fin'lly!) been filet'd. 
I've been Green Bay'd, been Jean Genet'd.  
(I've not (yet!) been Doc Holliday'd.) 

In Michigan I’ve been Imlay’d.
In Portugal, I've been Jose'd. 
In Mississippi…? KKK'd.
Portray’d, in oils by Tom Kinkade. 
 
Have I been laid…? Once -- by the maid:
she’d smear my vir with marmalade. 
At chez Norais, I’ve been “Nay! Nay!”’d;
nous sommes alles'd – or so they say’d.
 
I’ve been “ole!”d, though not obey’d.
I’ve pray’d to see The Big Parade.
In grade school I was PBJ’d.
(The principal…? One Randy Quaid…
 
…was spray’d with Raid, Swiss (Miss) chalet’d
and – oui! – touche’d with shiv-sharp spade.
In high school I was tooth decay’d.
In college I went underpaid.
 
We’ve – you ‘n’ me -- been “USA!”’d
Our depark’d cars left unvalet’d --
except when we’ve been wedding day’d,
our cells abandon’d, un-x-ray’d.
 
If those prove squamous, then we’re daid.
'Tis not a prospect to be “Yay!”d.
What must we do, before we fade…?
Speak, undismay’d, with Dr. Zaid.

Finger/Frank Fenomenology (Unpub)

Step 1: Position two hands, ideally yours, 

at eye level and in front of you at a distance 

of between 20 and 30 centimeters from your 

face. Extend your index fingers and point 

them towards each other.

Step 2: Gradually bring your index fingers 

together while looking through or past those 

fingers into the distance beyond them but 

continuing to maintain visual awareness of 

the tips of the fingers. (It helps if the back-

ground color differs from that of your fingers.

Step 3.1416…: Very soon there will appear

between your extended index fingers an 

image. You will find yourself witness to the 

famous "Hot Dog Hoax" -- a pseudo sausage 

roll initially blurred but gradually resolving 

into focus. This optical frankfurter consists 

of a blend of chimerical cuts -- rare beef, 

tender veal, juicy pork (pace Little Oscar), 

depending upon your religious preferences, 

and will also often feature a broad selection 

of favorite apocryphal condiments -- the 

so-called “Finger Fixin’s.”

Bon app!

A Dirtier Dozen: Cinematrivia (Unpub)

     Imagine a summer blockbuster in which "The Dirty Dozen" 

meets “The Last Supper.” Now imagine the credits.
 
Ken Buckle, who doubled for John Cassavetes,
who played Viktor Franko, co-stars as Simon Peter.
 
Gerry Crampton, who doubled for Telly Savalas,
who played Archer Maggott, co-stars as Judas Iskariot.
 
Joe Dunne, who doubled for Charles Bronson,
who played Joseph Wladislaw, co-stars as John the Apostle.
 
Romo Gorarra, who doubled for Jim Brown,
who played Robert Jefferson, co-stars as James the Greater..
 
Loren Janes, who doubled for Trini Lopez,
who played Pedro Jiminez, co-stars as Andrew the Apostle.
 
Terrence Plummer, who doubled for Donald Sutherland,
who played Vernon Pinkley, co-stars as Philip the Apostle.
 
Nosher Powell, who doubled for Clint Walker,
who played Samson Posey, co-stars as Bartholomew the Apostle.
 
Mike Reid, who doubled for Tom Busby,
who played Milo Vladek, co-stars as Matthew the Apostle.
 
Terry Richards, who doubled for Ben Carruthers,
who played Glenn Gilpin, co-stars as Thomas the Apostle.
 
Rocky Taylor, who doubled for Stuart Cooper,
who played Roscoe Lever, co-stars as James the Lesser.
 
Paul Westland, who doubled for Colin Maitland,
who played Seth Sawyer, co-stars as Jude Thaddeus.
 
The uncredited stuntman who doubled for Al Mancini,
who played Tassos Bravos, co-stars as Simon.