P*t (incomplete) (Unpub)

           “Some like p*t…nine days old” – bowdlerized 

     from “Pease Porridge Hot” first recorded in John 

     Newbery’s “Mother Goose’s Melody” (ca. 1760)
 
"Few do not delight in p*t," 

new census surveys hold.
Always hot's a hybrid p*t – 

say, Acapulco Gold.
Brash folk choose Afghani Wonder,

digging dope that’s bold.
Cursed are those with budget woes – 

they’ve stopp’d p*t-smoking cold.
 
Dudes agree: “P*t should be free! 

Like welfare money: doled.”
Enfeebled folk claim med concerns; 

in programs they’re enroll’d.
Freethinkers wish p*t legal: 

such a state’s been long foretold.
Good girls smoke Passion #1 – aka Amstel Gold.

He would buy p*t on the fly, 

while me…? I like to hold.
Ice Queen's sold by Ms. Isolde – 

mispronounced ‘Isold.’
Jock (that’s me!) shops Dr. Greenthumb: 

Jock smokes J.J.’s Gold.
Known philosophes smoke Killa Kush. 

That shit will knock you cold.
 
Lotus-Eaters savor strains 

produced in wet leaf mold.
Mom prefers p*t grown (says Ma) 

in peat, a mother’s mold.
Nor no one who’s not no one knows 

how p*t is now extoll’d.
O'erseas as well...? Well...cannabis concerns are oversold.
 
Poor people busted yesterday, 

today should be paroll’d.
“Quicker sprung, the better,” 

comments everyone who’s poll’d.
“Rolling papers, vaping vapors…? 

None of it grows old."
Say friends of friends. “It never ends. 

We're sold, you hear…? We're sold!"
 
T
U
V
 
W
X
Y
Z

Play-By-Play Book (Past)

The A within my Book of Plays plays 

“…(deer) an’ ant’lope play…”
The B there trumps some ump’s “Play ball!” 

like one hears op’ning day.
The C – no child’s play – placates. 

D completes the 'druple play.
 
They play around, do playboys, 

as on placemats plaice they place.
‘Display,’ ‘play dumb,’ ‘Play-Doh,’ ‘playdate’: 

each downplays some disgrace,

while E smokes Player's navy cut: 

his cancer's al' Anglais.

In Playhouse 90, horseplay 

keeps the alphabet in play.

F’s playful foreplay goes some way 

to keep foul play at bay.

Then F flips through John Playford 

and his English Dancing Master.

The G has eyes to plagiarize: 

such tort may court disaster.
(My lungs…? Play’d out! Quick: come about! 

I can’t play any faster.)
 
Amen, amen! Let’s go again – 

I’m keen; I’m less jejune.
The H cries, “Let’s play hardball! 

Let’s politicos impugn”…
while I…? I watch and scratch my crotch 

and try to play in tune.
 
The J would win his million 

playing Jeopardy online.
J cries, “You lie.” But in his eye 

I spy the dollar sign.
 
The K attends Kamp Lay-Z-Lug;

the rush be Susquehanna's.
The L awakes Ignaz Pleyel: 

“Retune yer damn pianas!”
The M plays genus Musa…

Monocots…in short, bananas.

Plays N, O, P,  Q, R, S, T

from 'napkin-ring' to 'thing.'

What's yet unknown's what brand of Jones

that U through Y might bring...
...while Z’s got ways to paraphrase 

the Bard's “Ze play’s ze ting.”

Odd Couples (Unpub)

P. G. Wodehouse and Clara Schumann:
     Wode ‘n’ Schu
Billie Burke and Emile Coue:
     “Bill” ‘n’ “Cou’”
Abraham Lincoln and Dick Cheney:
     “Linc” ‘n’ D. “Chen’”
Aristotle and Robert Towne:
     “’Totle” ‘n’ Towne
Dick Schaap and Franz Liszt:
     Schaap ‘n’ Liszt
E. B. White and Anna May Wong:
     White ‘n’ Wong
Lohengrin and Elizabeth Barrett:
     “’Grin” ‘n’ Barrett
Molly Brown and Robert W. Service:
     Brown ‘n’ “Serv’”
Frida Kahlo and Efrem Zimbalist:
     “Frie” ‘n’ E. Z.
Mao Tse Tung and Richard “Groove” Holmes:
     Tung ‘n’ Groove
Thursday Next and Lionel Bart:
     Next ‘n’ “Li’ne’”
Jalal ad-Din Mohammad Balkhi (aka Rumi) and Pamella Bordes:
     “Rum’” ‘n’ “Bord’”
Sheikh Zayad bin Sultan al Nahyan and Tammy Baker:
     Sheikh ‘n’ “Bake’”
Learned Hand and Danny Glover:
     Hand ‘n’ “Glove’”
Kris Kringle and Nita Talbot:
     Santa ‘n’ Nita
Nipsey Russell and Barbara Tuchman:
     “Nip” ‘n’ “Tuch’”
Kingsley Amis and Andie MacDowell:
     Amis ‘n’ Andie
Jeremy Lin and Robert Sheetz:
     Lin ‘n’ Sheetz
Elizabeth Cann and Christopher Fadder:
     Cann ‘n’ Fadder
Aleksandr Grin and Elizabeth Barrett:
     Grin ‘n’ Barrett
Leif Erickson and Lim Kim:
     Leif ’n’ Lim
Harvey Milk and Karyn “Cookie” Kupcinet:
     Milk ‘n’ “Cookie”
Boo Radley and Alger Hiss:
     Boo ‘n’ Hiss
Penn Jillett and John Hinkley:
     Penn ‘n’ “Hink”
Rock Hudson and Esther Rolle:
     Rock ‘n’ Rolle
Lucille Ball and Dick Cheney:
     Ball ‘n’ “Chene”
Kurt Weill and Clara Bow:
     Weill ‘n’ Bow
Yasser Arafat and Didi Myers:
     Yass ‘n’ Didi
Xavier Cugat and Grace Slick:
     Xave ‘n’ Grace
Virgil “Gus” Grissom and Bertha Franklin:
     Virg ‘n’ Berth
Yosemite Sam and Gypsy Rose Lee:
     Sam ‘n’ “Ro”
Oprah Winfrey and Booker T. Washington:
     “Ope” ‘n’ “Book”
Lemuel Gulliver and Adrienne Barbeau:
     Lem ‘n’ Ade
Iphigenia (of Aulos) and Wendell Corey:
     Iph ‘n Wen
Ebenezer Scrooge and Florence Nightingale:
     Eb ‘n’ Flo
Debra Paget and Aaron Sorkin:
     Deb ‘n’ Aar
Clara Bow and Ara Parseghian:
     Bow ‘n’ Ara
Chester Good and Helen Reddy:
     Good ‘n’ Reddy            
Steph Curry and Myrtle Fetchette:
     Steph ‘n’ Fetchette
Alicia Keys and William Tell:
     Keys ‘n’ Tell
Hamlet and Madame X:
     Ham ‘n’ X
Deepak Chopra and Dolores Hart:
     “Deep” ‘n’ D. Hart
Wally Amos and Ann Dvorak:
     Amos ‘n’ Ann D.
Johnny Cash and Carrie Fisher:
     Cash ‘n’ Carrie
Eve Ensler and Stephen Colbert:
     Eve ‘n’ Stephen
Barney Frank and Gertrude Stein:
     Frank ‘n’ Stein
Peter Falk and Donald Trump:
     Falk ‘n’ Asshole

O, Captains! (Past)

      Aye, aye! (Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!)

O, Captains (America,
Blood, Zero, Earth…):
thou be nowt if not captains 

courageous.
     Sev'ral captains, however
(there's never a dearth),
prove, on inquiry, captains 

outrageous. 
     Might not each, switching ships
(here's an alphabet's worth), 
change the universe…? Ponder 

these pages!

What if Ahab had captain'd,
instead of his Pequod, 
a carrack call’d Santa 

Maria…?

     Then would Native Americans
sigh with relief 
at the found'ring of "Chris's 

Idea"…?

     And would hunting white whales,
like all searches for grails,
now be hail’d as more fail’d pan-

acea…?

What if HMS Bounty'd
been captain’d by Beefheart 
instead of by 

officer Bligh,
     would its mutineers,
rather than take to Tahiti, 
have open’d a 

bar in Dubai…?
     And would Fletcher've been play’d
not by Gable or Brando
but some fa-a-a-ar less 

self-absorb’d guy…?

If Endeavour'd been captain’d,
instead of by Cook, 
by one Cap'n Horatio 

Crunch,
     then would Botany Bay
be one stop, since that day, 
on some serial cereal 

brunch...?
     And would Cook's tours be publicized
"Crunch Tours" instead...?
It’s a good bet they would. (Just my 

hunch.) 

If the schooner We're Here
had, as pilot, Der Captain
of "Hans-und-Fritz" fame –
nor not Disko,
     then would young Harvey Cheyne
have become Mama's bane
and migrated from Glouce-

ster to Frisco,

     where, no longer a kid,
he'd do scenes in a vid,
playing Pancho to some
sordid Cisco…? 

What if ace Captain Eddie's
belov'd Flying Fortress 
became Captain Eo's
space vessel,
     then would World War II
prove but minor ado, 
scrub’d when Ed asks Herr Adolf:
"Who'll wrestle!"…?
     Or would spacetime get bent,
with Ed's UFO sent
back in time to snuff young Geor-

gie Jessel…?

What if Flint and his Walrus
became SS Feathersword 
and its eponymous
captain…?
     Would the foremention’d Feathersword
balk at the switch, crying,
"No bloody way I'm a=

daptin'!"…?
     And would Captain Fantastic,
with no ship at all, 
of a sudden start speaking Sa-

haptian…? 

What if George -- "Captain Seafood" –
would try to usurp
Captain Gantu's Galactic
Armada…?
     Would not Lilo and Stitch
knuckle under and snitch…? 
What would happen…? In fact, next 

to nada:
     George would grant Gantu's wish
and serve everyone fish
with a side of baked beans, blah-

de-blah-dah... 

What if Hook's Jolly Roger
(which once was The Wasp)
were by Hornblower re-christen'd 

Sutherland…?
     Then would Captain Horatio,
thereby bereft, 
with no ship to return to the 

motherland,
     taunt Herge's Captain Haddock,
"You've no ship as well…?
Must we both end our days in some 

other land…?"…?

What if Captain Insano
had thrown in the towel
crying, “Please, take the con, Captain 

Janeway!”…?
     Then might Kate clear her throat,
don some admiral’s coat,
and observe, “That’s a rather in-

ane way
     to a title defend.
‘Jan…u…a…reee-e-e-e…! Girlfriend!’”
(Calling Kibbee’s a much less in-

sane way.*)
    
     * Guy Kibbee played January
to Shirley Temple’s Star in the film
bearing his character’s name.
 
What if Captain James Kirk
(Mr. Spock does the work)
turn’d the Enterprise 

over to Kidd…?
     What if Kidd, for his part
(Kidd was never that smart)
fail’d to fix on what 

Kirk and Spock did…?

     And what if all three
handed over the key
in a Kangaroo
takeover bid…?
 
And, speaking of “Trek,”
I’m remiss not to check
what a captain like
Lorca* might do
     in a universe which –
if you’ll pardon my kitsch –
is unlike that in
which me and you,
     were we captains like him,
might inspect, on a whim,
the behavior of
Romulan Hugh.*
 
     * Both characters appear 

in certain episodes of TNG.

 
     (a work in progress)
 
     Here are a few of culture’s captains
who might figure in future verses:
Marvel
Morgan
Nemo
Obvious
Picard
Queeg
Ron 
Sisco
Sparrow
Spaulding
Teague
Underpants
Von Trapp
White
Xavier
Yuri
Yamato
Zoom
Zack

En Dehors or On the Outs: an ABC (Past)

Aborigines wander the Outback.
When it’s bedtime, they’re out like a light.
One’s a cat in a hat:
Catch and put out that cat!
We can chat once that cat’s out of sight.
 
D. J. Drumpf takes a dumpf in our outhouse.
“Are you out,” voters shout, “of your mind…?”
(Will who denigrates him
end up out on a limb…?
Nonsense! Drumpf’s out to lunch, most folks find.)
 
Elephants hang out outdoors.
Did they not, we’d go out of our wits.
Certain frogs, tres outres,
will go out of their way
to tout only an outfit which fits.
 
Gregarious gnomes seem outgoing.
Often, hermits are outcasts, no doubt.
And ice lollys are fun.
(Can ice pops be outdone…?
I think not: such “improvements” are out.)
 
Are not jesters at court now outmoded…?
In the US, that jury’s still out,
sound decisions outweigh’d
by a South KKK’d.
(White supremacy’s all they’re about.)
 
Are not lesbians out of the closet…?
Where’d be Lincoln without ‘Honest Abe’…?
Doesn’t Lutwidge cry out,
“When a boojum’s* about,
let the toves and the mome raths outgrabe!”…?
 
     * A dangerous breed of snark made famous
by Charles L. Dodgson aka Lewis Carroll.
 
Nursing nuns by machines are outnumber’d,
making outpatients’ outcomes prove poor.
And the outlook looks grim,
since the chances are slim
that nun output improves that much more.
 
Won’t you please help me climb out from under…?
I so hope help comes out of the blue.
Some folk, out of their mind
when they’re out of gas, find
a petroleum outpost. Do you…?

Or do you, like most others, prepare for

the outpourings, which, out-qualified,

you await as you sail your outrigger...?

Are you out sick...? Indeed, have you died...?

Time to outsource your editing duties...?

Leave all outtakes from works of the Bard --

into blockbusters made: "Out vile jelly!" --

on the floor! (Who cares who in it starr'd..?)

Out voted, out weigh'd: all your 'out's seem outplay'd.

Is it past time to wander out west...?

World "Out X" yet remains wa-a-a-ay out yonder.

Plus, its out zone is far from the best.