Epidemic (It's Epic) of Ayds

I’ve been afraid to've been array'd
(although faux fears have been allay’d).
At thirteen I was "all the way"'d: 
bouquet'd, buffet'd, bidet’d, betray’d.  

I've been Calais'd. I’ve been Cathay’d.
In Mandalay, café au lait’d.
At luncheon, I was consomme'd --
and, for dessert, was creme brulee'd.

I've been crochet'd. I’ve been croquet’d. 
(God knows we all have been cliche'd.)  
I've been display'd, dismay'd, delay'd -- 
first dossier'd, then "lef' fer dade." 

I've been eBay'd, been "ev'ry day"'d.  
En fin, I've (fin'lly!) been filet'd. 
I've been Green Bay'd, been Jean Genet'd.  
(I've not (yet!) been Doc Holliday'd.) 

In Michigan I’ve been Imlay’d.
In Portugal, I've been Jose'd. 
In Mississippi? KKK'd.
Portray’d, in oils, by Tom Kinkade 

Have I been laid? Once -- by the maid:
she’d smear my vir with marmalade. 
At chez Norais, I’ve been “Nay! Nay!”’d
Nous sommes alles'd – or so they sayd.

I’ve been “ole!”d, though not obey’d.
I pray’d to see The Big Parade.
In grade school I was PBJ’d.
(The principal, one Randy Quaid…

…was spray’d with Raid, Swiss (Miss) chalet’d
and – oui! – touche’d with shiv-sharp spade.
In high school I was tooth decay’d.
In college I went underpaid.

We’ve – you ‘n’ me -- been USA’d
Our unpark’d cars left unvalet’d --
except when we’ve been wedding day’d
Our cells abandon’d, un-x-ray’d.

If those prove squamous, then we’re daid.
“Tis not a prospect to be “Yay!”d.
What we must do, before we fade,
is make a date with Dr Zaid.

Crossbreeds or Diversity: an ABC

How best repopulate our zoo?
Use crossbreed copulation…do!
When critters red seed beasties blue,
each crop dropp’d pops up stronger…nu?
(which makes the planet stronger, too).
Below’s bipartisan review.

An alligator pokes your pony?

All together: allimony!
Baboon blades been beddin’ rabbits?
Badda-bing! Bred: baby babbits.

Cassowaries marry moles?

Check out the potluck cassowoles!
Dingoes diddle dromedaries?
Dropp’d down? Dual dingoebaries.

Efts a-fertilizin’ pheasants?

Each flat’s fill’d with efterveasants.
Fecund fleas philand’rin’ civets?
Freakin’ A: fleabertyjivets!

Gobies all agog for rooks?

Get set for gobs of gob’legooks!
Hedgehog humps anemone?
He brings about hedgemone..

Inchworms infiltratin’ ‘gators?

Itsy-bitsy inchubators.
Jackal-juice-injected fox?
Jeepers! Up jumps jack’l-a-box.

Kudu couplin’ with a tuna?

Krikey! That’s one big kahuna.
Linked: il lamprey e medusa?
Look, Giuseppe! Lampreydusa!

Mister Mack’rel? Meet Ms Loon!

Might we soon greet a mackaroon? 
No narwhal’d nail no nice gazelle?
No way, Jose? Doh! Nar-do-welle!

Orang o’ercomes (oh, my!) a mule…yes?

Oy! Enjoy your orang-jul’yess!
Panda/hormogonium? 
Produced is pandamonium.

Quails co-habbing with some hounds?

Queues of quailifying rhounds!
Ringworms ravish’d by a mole.
Result? A lot of ringmarole.

Safe sex ‘twixt sardine and gorilla

still sets loose some sardsporilla.
Thistlebird ties knot with pig,
throws pigbird…NOT! (Throws thigmajig.)

Unicorn crossbreeds with bear.

Unlikely urchin? Undiewear.
Voles invade Komodo dragons?
Voila tout! New (two!) voleswagons.

Wives a whippoorwill with raptor.

Whelp resulting? Whippoorsnaptor.
Xylophaga espous’d to drone?
X’d out! Or shout, “A xylophrone!”

Your yak has shack’d up with a poodle? 

You’ve a dandy yakeedoodle.

Zobo sleeps with bees and yaks?
Zounds! Stars are born: new zoobeeyaks.

But, marriage or a civil u…

or who wears pink and who wears blue…
or who’s to use the ladies’ loo…
or who’s to say “I do” to who?
Such stuff’s a bunch o’ ballyhoo…
nor is it up to me or you.