Ladies First!

RALPH AND ALICE 

                         ^AND RALPH

     "But of 

course: who'd not love to get
sent "to the moon"…? 

     Why don't 

you go there, via di-
vorce court, you goon!"

PORGY AND BESS 

                         ^AND PORGY

     "It's 

you who've "got plenty o'
nuttin'," eh, Porg…?

     Me…? I'm

book'd 'board that boat leavin'
soon for New Yorg!"

SONNY AND CHER 

                          ^AND SONNY

     "You

sport hang-dog threads and your
descant's off-key, neighb,'

     but

listen up carefully: 

you ain't got me, Babe!"

ROY AND DALE 

                     ^AND ROY

     "Granted:

your trails are happy (though
yours are wa-a-ay bigger),

     but

what about my trails…? (And 
stop nuzzling Trigger!)"

ADAM AND EVE 

                     ^AND ADAM

     "Did I

not warn thou: 'Apples shalt
prove a mistake!'…?

     But thou'll

blame this on me, won't thou…?
Thou 'n' thy snake!"

KUKLA AND FRAN 

                         ^AND KUKLA

     "Burr's

right hand makes Ollie the
wry raconteur: 

     deftly

handled. But where is Burr's
other hand…? Burr...!!"

HANSEL AND GRETEL 

                              ^AND HANSEL

     "No, I

don't like the look of that
candy house, Hans.

     Why…? You've

not learned to keep your sweet
tooth in your pants!"

OZZIE AND HARRIET 

                             ^AND OZZIE

     "I've got

evidence, Oz, that our
near neighbor Thorny

     lends

too many hands. In a
nutshell,Thorn's horny!"

RICK AND ILSA 

                     ^AND RICK

     "Promis’d

you: 'We'll have Paris!' I
surrejoin’d, 'Yippie!' --

     mis-

led 'bout your bed-sit in
Schitt, Mississippi."*

    * In fact, Shaw, Mississippi.

DICK AND JANE 

                      ^AND DICK

     "Back

seats be no longer this
chick's bailiwick!

     It’s too

tiresome to ever play
'Jane' to your 'Dick'!"

REGIS AND KATHIE LEE 

                                 ^AND REGIS

     "My

mirror... (I know, Reege: I'm 

loathsome to boast!)

     ...still in-

sists I was Talk's hottest -- 
Talk's hautest! -- host."

HI AND LOIS 

                  ^AND HI

     "You proved

mildly jocose, Hi -- though
often a duncehead.

     To 

true fans of funnies, though,
no Dagwood Bumstead!"

MORK AND MINDY 

                         ^AND MORK

     "Man, I

mean it: enough with the
'na-nu, na-nu,' you man-
iacal, rainbow-braced
looney tune, you!" 

NICK  AND NORA 

                        ^AND NICK

     "Look here,

Nick: you’ve got DTs! And
Asta wants walkees!! And
I'm a bit 'peevees'!!! (Yeah:
this here’s litotes.)"

HAMLET AND OPHELIA 

                                ^AND HAMLET

     "E-

nough with the ghosts! Ban the
blood! Dump the guts!

     Oh, an'

nix the damn complex: you're 

driving me nuts!"

CUPID AND PSYCHE 

                            ^AND CUPID

     "To

sum up your-'n'-my psychody-
namic for you, Cupid:

     mine’s a

single super-ego. Yours is
surely more a group id."

KING AND QUEEN 

                         ^AND KING

     "All your

penny-ante card sharps claim they 

trump me. Nonetheless

     they always

fail to peek behind the throne. So...
anyone for chess…?"

OSSIE AND RUBY 

                        ^AND OSSIE

     "You in-

sist that all the marquees list our
first names alphabetic'lly.

     Your

obit's misspell'd 'Uzzie.' (Seems, at
last, I'm first...kismetic'lly.)"

HARRY MET SALLY 

                          ^MET HARRY

     "As I

order'd, you blink'd -- as per 

u., Your Remissness. 

     So...

what am I havin'...? That's
none o' your business!"

THE CAPTAIN AND TENNILE 

                                       ^AND THE CAPTAIN

     "Of

late I've determin'd that second banana's de-
cidedly not where it's at. 

     Mister,

you may say 'muskrat.' "Well," I reply, "'shmuskrat!' (And, 

by the bye, shitcan the hat!)"

KIRK AND UHURA 

                         ^AND KIRK

    "Your

fans think you're spectacular. You
do sport biggish feet.

     Still I

don't see me -- alone with you -- down
in no holosuite."

ARCHIE AND VERONICA 

                                  ^AND ARCHIE

     "C'est

autre chose, Arch. Oui, there 

is someone new.

     I'm now

sleepin' with Betty. Voi-
la: billets-doux!"

PETER AND WENDY
                           ^AND PETER

     "Why don't

you 'n' your tinkley friend
fly on ahead, Pete.

     I'm

hailin' a hansom 'n'
hittin' my bedsheet!"

SOCRATES AND XANTHIPPE 

                                       ^AND SOCRATES

     "Your

dialogue, 'On Navel Gazing,'
Soc...? You'd best workshop it.

     Put some

feelers out, assess the breeze...or,
why not simply drop it…?!"

JOHN AND YOKO 

                       ^AND JOHN

     "You

do it in the road, John, and you
do it all alone.

     So...who the

hell d'ya think we are...? Some New Age 

Darby and Joan...?" 

SCOTT AND ZELDA 

                           ^AND SCOTT

     "Say,

isn't that my manuscript you're 

hiding 'neath your hat...?

     Hey, Scott...

did not I ...? Why, you klepto-

bastard: I wrote that!"

     "Goodnight! (Take no truck

from no knight!) And good luck!" 

                          -- Edward Darr-Murrow 

Kukla's Clan v the Ku Klux Klan

'Allo, Ollie Dragon! 
Buongiorno, Madame O! 
What's cookin,' Pookenschlagel…? 
(The Colonel you all know.)  

Hello dere, Fletcher Rabbit!
Wassup wid’ Cecil Bill…?  
How are you, Fran…? ('Tis she to Tillstrom's 
Jack supplies good Jill.)  

So: how're they hangin', Beulah…? 
Whaz 'app'nin,' Herbert Hare…?
(Good golly! Kuklapolitans be
ev'ryfrickin'where!)

They're puppets ante Muppets. 
Can they can-can…? Kukla'ns can! 
They're not, though small, in thrall at all
to spook Dave Duke and Klan.) 

All the Men Kings: Another King Song

Arthur's thing...? Art's the king 
who Excaliber can spring.

(Kings, these are, from afar:
Caspar, Melch’or, Balthazar.)

Burger King lacks the zing
Ronald’s Special Sauces bring.

Charlemagne…? You da magne!
If you cagn’t, which Charlie cagne…?

Cymbeline. Fuehrer Mein.
(Down my Thames and up your Rhine.)

Don King an’...Donovan.
(Neither kook cooks coq au vin.)

Deng Ziaoping. Little King.
Josip Suk…? He’s Fiddle King.

Emp’ror Ming. Rodney King.
(That Morgana sure can sing!)

Falstaff’s pal…? Shakespeare’s Hal.
(Pace, Ashurbanipal!)

Good King Zog. (Boo’d…? King Frog:
him the Grimms limn in their blog.)

Henry Eight. Alfred. (Great!) 
Which rex lick'd the fashion plate…?

If it’s Lear’s lot one fears,
it’s of Edmund clear one steers.

Jesus, who’s King of Jews,
trues ‘em. Glues ‘em to the pews.

King Aroo. Vishnu, too.
Ousted: Charles, in Cromwell’s coup.

Lion Kings. Mayan Kings.
(Lear leads lists of dyin’ kings.)

Martin King. Thee we sing.
Forgot we’ve not “Let freedom ring.”

Ngo Quyen ruled back when
Nam maim’d fewer U.N. men.

Ottokar / Ivan (Tsar) //
Herge / Serge. (Too bizarre…?)

Papa Doc. Kings of Rock.
Who “in signo vincit hoc”...? 

Quick, Bert: sing “’fI were king…”
(Outrageous – though contagious -- thing.)

Richard Third. ‘Bella’s Ferd.' 
Edward Eight. (His date’s a turd.)

Saul and Saud…? Both kings proud.
(Solomon was well-endow’d.)

Tamerlane. King Hussein.
March King…? Long may “suzerain”!

Ubu Roi. Add the Shah.
For the hat trick…? Offa. (Hah!)

Vlad the Rus. (Oedipus...? 
Patricides I shan’t discuss.)

Wenceslaus. Kings in Laos.
Ptolemy was Cleo’s spouse.

Xerxes ruled: Greeks got school’d.
Since then, craze for Persia’s cool’d.

Young King Cole. King Creole.
(Nat and Elvis...? Very droll.)

Zedong, Mao: sacred cow.
Tut and Kong and Vidor. Ciao!

Oinking, Viking, Yanking, Psyching or King Dumb

They tend to foul out – all about how they’re stout,
to plum rhums from Queen Mums some succumbing.
Yet wa-a-a-ay more remain in. (Note each thin single chin.)
Kismet must bring the kings we’ve got coming.

Alan King's cant unmasking. And Arthur – alas: king
of Camelot, kingdom ill-starr’d.
King Aroo. Kingsley Amis (the son’s also famous).
And King Agamemnon's soul-scarr’d.

King Bluetooth. King Babar. And Billie Jean King –
she whose challenger, Riggs, came a cropper.
And Jerusalem’s Baldwin (a king and a leper).
And Burger King, home of the Whopper.

King Cole (Nat or Ol’). And Kings Crab and Creole.
Chicken ala King (minus the cluckin’).
Coretta. King Cotton (those bolls still get rotten).
King Cobras -- those snakes keep on truckin.’



King David. King Donovan. (Don King deems Drumpf a fan.)
Ducking stools once were the thing.
Eurystheus, thoroughbred. Unraed King Ethelred.
Elvis! (The King’s still “The King.”)

King Faisal. King Features. King Friday. Farouk.
And the Fisher King: grails he’s still stalking.
Ghidorah. Gillette. King Gambrinus…? You bet!
Theoretical physicist Hawking.

King Herod. Hussein. Brit King Henry the Eighth,
whom Pope Clement the Seventh is irking.
The King and I. Idris. Riyadh's Ibn Saud:
Wee three kings. (Nope, your chain I’m not jerking.)

King John and King Jesus (once King of the Jews).
And that Bible we call the King James.
King Kaiser. Kong. King of Kings. Kamehameha.
(I’m not knocking – nor mocking -- these names.)



King of the Khybers (the Rifles, I mean).
And Larry. The Little King, too.
And Midas. And Morpheus. King Magazine.
And The Man Who Would Be ______. (You know who.)

King Nebuchadnezzar. King Neptune as well.
And Oberon, King of the Fairies.
And don’t forget England: they’ve more than their share.
(All those Georges and Edwards and Harrys.)

The King (Once and Future). And Kings over Tens.
Peking. And the King Porter Stomp.
And King Pleasure. Papaya King. Kingpins as well.
And the King of Pain (minus the pomp).

The King of Queens. Rollicking Rodney. King Ralph.
And Sky King. And King Solomon’s Mines.
King Tut. (Of course, Teddi King’s also a queen.)
And Brunello – the king of the wines.



There’s seeking and eeking. There’s peeking at freaking
King Ubu's monarchical mania.
There’s walking and talking. There’s calking. there's gawking 
at Zog who’s the king of Albania.

There’s irking and working. There's Dr. King, Jr.
There’s knocking and locking and docking.
There’s Vidor and Wamba, There’s Wenceslaus. (Good!)
There’s hocking and cocking and rocking.

There’s Xerxes and Yukon and Z and in Yellow.
(Which one of the four is heard barking...?)
There’s jacking and backing. There’s fracking and hacking
There’s quack-…but enough of my larking.

Picking kings we should get from this Kings Alphabet
bids “adieu!” to the new aristocracy.
Won’t you note ‘em, then vote…? Your support keeps afloat
our monarchical brand of democracy.