Frivolousity! Or, POTUS the Perpetual Plaintive: An ABC of Defendants in Some Pending Drumpf-Filed Lawsuits

Drumpf sues. 

Drumpf's suing an ape 

who, array'd in a cape, 
tied Drumpf's hands 
to Drumpf's glans 
with electrical tape. 

   Drumpf's suing a bear 

who set fire to Drumpf's hair. 

(When did POTUS 

first notice...? 

"Don, Jr. would stare."

Drumpf's suing a cow 

who concocted, somehow,

to add lint 

(just a hint) 

into Donald's Kung Pao. 

   Sues, as well, a dugong

(though Drumpf knows this is wrong) 

who discussed 

with disgust 

how Drumpf's ties are too long. 

Drumpf sues. 

Drumpf's suing an eel 

who Drumpf hail'd 'no big deal' 

when it noted 

(then gloated): 

"Drumpf's hand's never healed." 

    Drumpf's suing a fox 

for the way that beast mocks 

Donald's weight 

and his gait --

how Drumpf back-'n'-forth rocks.

Drumpf's suing a gnu

and its fourth-estate crew 

for reporting  

Drumpf's snorting 

when napping. (It's true.)

     Drumpf's suing a hen 

for purloining a pen 

Donald used. 

(Don's accused 

it of pilfering ten.) 

Drumpf sues. 

Sues, as well, an iguana.

Says Don: "'Cuz I wanna  

deport 

that bad sort 

on a boat to Botswana."

   Drumpf's suing a joey 

for billions, although he 

claims roos 

post 'fake news' --

"...plus they're swishy 'n' showy."

Drumpf's suing these koi

who, once girl-child and boy, 

now prefer

'him' 'n' 'her.' 

(They so-o-o-o-o Donald annoy.)

   Drumpf's suing a lynx 

who claims Donald's shit stinks. 

"I've best words

and best turds" -- 

or so Dumpty Drumpf thinks. 

Drumpf sues. 

Drumpf's suing a moose. 

Donald's case, most abstruse, 

claims the beast, 

while deceased, 

voted...twice! "Fraud!! Abuse!!!"

   Drumpf's suing a newt -- 

a most frivolous suit. 

Cash or cheque...? 

What the heck.. 

just as long as there's loot.

Drumpf's suing these owls. 

When Drumpf spots 'em, he howls: 

"Scumbag birds!"

(Donald's words.) 

"Un-American fowls!"

   Drumpf's suing a parrot.

His suit's without merit. 

Drumpf heard 

that the bird 

hates Drumpf's hair: just can't bear it. 

Drumpf sues. 

Drumpf's suing a quail, 

wants to lock her in jail. 

Donald's ICE 

nick'd her...twice, 

but we help'd her make bail.

   Drumpf's suing a rat 

for its tweet "Drumpf's Too Fat!" 

Likes...? It got 

quite a lot -- 

more than Drumpf's tweets begat.

Drumpf's suing a snake, 

though there's little at stake: 

The snake stared; 

Don got scared... 

(The whole case is opaque.)

     Drumpf's suing a tern 

and its second wife, Fern. 

Judge got piss'd: 

case dismissed!

Live 'n' learn. Live 'n' learn. 

Drumpf sues. 

Drumpf's suing an urchin 

arrested while perchin' 

atop 

Drumpf's pro shop. 

"For lost balls I was searchin.'"

   Drumpf's suing a vole; 

claims the animal stole 

votes by mail. 

Verdict...? Jail 

In some foreign black hole.

Drumpf's suing these whales.

But my 1-to-10 scales 

say the odds 

are their pods 

will make sure the suit fails.

    Drumpf's suing a xyst, 

though his lawyers insist 

that Drumpf's suit's

all but moot, 

as Drumpf's xysts don't exist. 

Drumpf sues. 

Drumpf is suing these yaks 

for their rampant attacks 

on the lunches 

Drumpf munches -- 

Drumpf's fries 'n' Big Macs.

   Drumpf will sue the whole zoo --

which includes me 'n' you 

who dislike 

Drumpf's whole Reich. 

And, Drumpf notes, we vote blue.  

So Drumpf sues.

Uly Poe Channels Pearl Buck ; or, Coming In On A Wang Lung And A Prayer

There'll dawn one day 

I'll not ignore, 
like none the world's 
e'er seen before. 
'Twill shake the world

unto its core: 
that day the Donald 
breathes no more. 

His mind will've slither'd 

'round the bend. 

No nightly nonsense tweets 

he'll send

nor longer will 

the Trump name trend 

as MAGAmundi

nears its end. 

The sun will rise 

in rose array. 

And I will rise

(as is my way)

to pray what ev'ry 

dawn I pray: 

"Today's the day...?

Today's the day!" 

Look Who's Talking: A Prose Poem in Four Brief Scenes

Exterior. A dusky wood. Night. 
Middle-aged writer Dante Alighieri 

avoids a trio of hungry beasts with 

aid from the Roman poet Virgil. The 

pair argue back and forth as the 

author of the Aeneid finally concedes:

"Let me, let me...oh, alright, then: 

YOU tell it." 

Exterior. A river bank. Day. 

Teenage runaway Huckleberry Finn 

eases a small raft into the swift 

current with the aid of fellow fugitive 

Jim, an adult Negro. The pair argue 

back and forth as Miss Watson's field 

hand finally concedes:

"Let me, let me...oh, alright, then: 

YOU tell it." 

Interior. The Spouter Inn. Dusk. 

A motley collection of seafarers

surrounds a small table at which 

novice harpoonist Ishmael sits 

opposite an enormous white sperm 

whale. The pair argue back and forth 

as the gigantic leviathan finally 

concedes:

"Let me, let me...oh, alright, then: 

YOU tell it." 

Interior. An upper room. Suppertime. 

Hebrew preacher Jesus of Nazereth 

celebrates a Passover meal with his 

disciples, including future evangelist 

Luke. The pair argue back and forth 

as the Son of God finally concedes:

"Let me, let me...oh, alright, then: 

YOU tell it."

In the Spirit of the Sprats

         (0)

     The Archetype:

      Mother Goose's 

      Jack Sprat 

      & His Wife 

Jack Sprat 
could eat no fat.
His wife*
could eat no lean. 
   And so, betwixt

the two of 'em, 
they lick'd the platter
clean. 

     *In some sources, Jull; 

      in others, Jill.

     The Knockoffs: 

     Nine Songs 

     (Including Their Subjects' 

     Authors & Sources)

     in the Spirit of the Sprats.

          (Explanatory Notes -- 

          Where Deemed Necessary -- 

          Will Be Forthcoming.)

          (1) 

     The Laughing Buddha 

     & the Fasting Buddha 

The Fasting Buddha 

lasts on, you'd-a 

thought, one grain 

of rice.*

   The Laughing Buddha 

binges food. A

virtue...? 

Or a vice...? 

     *This tale, in which Gautama 

survives each day of a fast on but 

a single grain of rice, appears in 

several Indian sources, including 

the Pali Canon. 

          (2) 

     Edwin Abbott Abbott's

     A Line Segment

     & A Sphere 

     (From "Flatland")

Dimensions...? One 

(one's next to none!) 

each "Flatland" Line

has got, 

   whereas each Sphere 

boasts three, we hear -- 

which makes 'em 

tough to spot.* 

     *In each moment it passes 

through a world of two dimensions, 

the three-dimensional sphere 

appears as one or another circular 

section of itself.

          (3) 

     E.C. Segar's 

     Olive Oyl 

     & Bluto 

     (From "Thimble Theatre") 

 

No zaftig goil, 

our Olive Oyl: 

she's trying 

Oprah's diet. 

   Should Bluto choose 

some pounds to lose...? 

Indeed! He needs 

to try it.

          (4) 

     Jackie Gleason's 

     Ralph Kramden 

     & Ed Norton 

     (From "The Honeymooners") 

He drives a bus -- 

Ralph Kramden does. 

Long sitting 

leaves him fat, 

   while Norton's slim. 

What's up with him...? 

No perchin' 

on his prat.

          (5) 

     Hal Roach's 

     Stanley Laurel 

     & Oliver Norville Hardy 

     (From "Way Out West" et al.) 

Mr. Hardy 

(nicknamed "Lardy"): 

broad of butt 

and bust, 

  while breeze, tho' soft, 

lifts Stan aloft -- 

albeit just 

a gust.

          (6)

     Miguel de Cervantes's 

     Don Quixote 

     & Sancho Panza 

Slim horse, slim rider, 

neither wider 

than Quixote's 

lance, 

   whereas Don's chum's

so plump of bum 

he's cursed: 

he'll burst his pants.

          (7) 

     Washington Irving's 

     Ichabod Crane 

     & Baltus Van Tassel 

     (From "The Legend 

     of Sleepy Hollow")

A stick, a rod:

that's Ichabod, 

who scorns 

the dinner bell. 

   Von Tassel, though, 

devours fried dough. 

(Resembles it 

as well.)

          (8) 

     Jean de Brunhoff's 

     Babar the Elephant 

     & the Rich Old Lady 

     (From "Histoire de Babar")

This thin old crone's

but skin 'n' bones, 

while Babar's 

plu-obese.

   That pachyderm 

grows fat 'n' firm 

by scarfin'

sans surcease. 

          (9) 

     Andre Maurois's 

     King Plumpapuff the Patapouf 

     & the King of the Filifers 

     (From "Patapoufs et Filifers")

King Plumpapuff 

can't get enough 

of eat et drink...

...et joie.

   The Filifer 

cries, "Non, monsieur! 

No Crêpes Suzettes 

pour moi." 

Curious Collaborations

     Sketches in the Spirit of the Sprats -- But With A Twist

 

Some years ago, artists 

Fernando Botero and 

Alberto Giacometti joined 

forces to execute a series 

of portraits of famous

pairs of characters from 

world culture created, in 

many of these cases, by 

famous authors -- characters 

who were usually portrayed 

as mutually thin and fat.

Against expectations however, 

Botero, famous for rendering 

his subjects as extremely full-

figured, elected to portray the 

thinner of the two characters 

in his signature style, while 

Giacometti, well- known for his

treatment of subjects as almost 

painfully thin, chose to portray 

the normally fatter of the 

characters in that style for which 

he was famous. Sadly, both artists 

died before even a single of their

projected works was completed. 

However, several preliminary 

sketches have recently come 

to light; a few appear below. 

Stanley Laurel & Oliver Norville Hardy 
(An Incomplete Sketch) 

Of Pontiffs, Personas and Potables: A Rhyme Spree

Each verse in the 

poem below selects 

from two to four 

beverages ("pick'd 

poisons"), the last-

mentioned of which 

is always crème de 

menthe, then matches 

them in several ways 

with ten or twelve 

celebrities ("paired 

personalities"), often 

(but not always: 

see the last line)

including the tenth

pope called Pius,

while showcasing 

various iterations

of end rhymes. 

The result is an open-

ended potableoozza 

of nectars and 

notables designed 

both to entertain 

and to exercise one's 

cultural memory. 

Sainte! 

     (Prelude) 

Beer (or wine)

and Gertrude Stein --

whose rose is most surely 

a rose -- 

then wine (or beer)

and Edward Lear -- 

mit a ring at the end of 

his nose...

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X.

    (1) 

A shot 'n' a Bud 

mit Captain Blood,  

Naomi Judd 

and Elmer Fudd. 

     Compari 'n' soda 

mit Val Vigoda, 

the Jedi knight Yoda 

and Carol Ann Doda. 

     Kumquat juice 

mit Clare Boothe Luce, 

Robert the Bruce 

and Bullwinkle Moose... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (2) 

A lager 'n' lime 

mit Helen Grime, 

George.Orwell's Syme 

and Harpo the mime. 

     Bathtub gin 

mit Sergey Brin, 

Anaïs Nin, 

Loretta Lynn, 

Mark Twain's Huck Finn, 

the Mighty Quinn, 

Ho Chi Minh 

and Rin Tin Tin... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (3) 

Muscatel 

mit Doctor Bell, 

Little Nell 

and the underworld's Hel. 

     Côte du Rhone 

mit Titus Groan, 

Al Capone 

and "Lois Loan." 

     Earl Grey, hot, 

mit Mandelbrot, 

Sodom's Lot 

and Nietzsche's Gott... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (4) 

Cutty, neat, 

mit Minos of Crete, 

Cody Poteet 

and Pistol Pete. 

     Chardonnay 

mit Carla Bley, 

Joel Grey, 

Doris Day, 

Danny Kaye, 

Ella Mae, 

Martha Raye 

and Old Dog Tray... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X.

     (5) 

A 'tini, stirred, 

mit Richard III,

Larry Bird 

and Jesus ("The Word") 

      A pot o' tea 

mit Sandra Dee, 

Nanny McPhee,  

Syngman Rhee, 

Samantha Bee, 

Kenny G, 

Pinky Lee 

and Mr. T...

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (6) 

A Guinness Stout 

mit Morse's Grout, 

Kilgore Trout 

and Dev the mahout.

     A whiskey sour 

mit Rutger Hauer, 

Andre Braugher 

and Adenauer, 

Marge and Gower, 

the Little Flower, 

Arthur Lauer 

and Tower of Power... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (7) 

Absinthe Frappeé 

mit Brother Ray, 

the Brothers Kray,

Anita O'Day, 

Cassius Clay, 

Marin Marais, 

Turhan Bey,

Anouk Aimee, 

Fifi Dorsay, 

Dorian Gray, 

Francis Lai 

and Kitty O'Shea... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (8) 

Two fingers of rye 

mit Laurie and Frye, 

Jasmine Guy 

and Louie Nye. 

     One for the road 

mit Woody Strode, 

Mr. Toad 

and the family Joad. 

     A pint of your best

mit Christopher Guest,  

Ms Mae West 

and (surely you've guess'd)... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (9) 

A glass of water 

mit Gabriel Kotter, 

Harry Potter 

and Lavransdatter. 

     A vodka 'n' tonic 

mit Harry Connick, 

Philip Harmonic 

and 16-bit Sonic. 

     Scotch on the rocks 

mit Wally Cox, 

Ronald Knox 

and Hillary's Socks... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X. 

     (10) 

Plonk over ice 

mit Gigi Gryce, 

Vincent Price 

and Scary Spice. 

     Hair o' the dog 

mit Philleas Fogg, 

the OT's Og 

and the fire-drake Smaug.  

     Vin ordinaire 

mit Hud from "Hair," 

Philip the Fair 

and Sonny sans Cher...

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius X.

     (n) 

A four-ale flight 

mit Orville Wright, 

Horace Heidt 

and Honor Bright. 

     Dry vermouth 

mit George ("Babe") Ruth, 

Sojourner Truth 

and John Wilkes Booth. 

     A 7 'n' 7 

mit cousin Kevin, 

Dayna Devon 

and Ocean's Eleven... 

...plus crème de menthe 

mit Pius the nth.

THE DAMP HENS: "The Millponds of God..."

 

Per(ec)iodic Table

A constrain'd array of constrain'd arrays a famed OuLiPian may enjoy.

THE DAMP HENS: "There is a tide..."

 

THE DAMP HENS: "The arc of history..."

 

THE DAMP HENS: "Some hens are born damp..."