"O, Captains -- America, Blood, Zero, Earth..." O Captain! A Constrained Nonsense Log in Rhyme Featuring an Alphabetical List of Skippers Captaining Ships Not Ordinarily Associated with Them

(Every skipper mentioned, as well as every ship, appears here in italics. 
If any prove unfamiliar to the reader, she is simply urged to "Google 'em.") 

O, Captains -- America, Blood, Zero, Earth --
thou be nowt if not captains courageous.
Some captains, however (there's rarely a dearth),
prove, on inquiry, captains outrageous. 
Might each, switching ships (here's an alphabet's worth), 
change the universe? Ponder these pages.

If Ahab had captain'd, instead of his Pequod, 
a carrack called Santa Maria,
then would Native Americans sigh with relief 
at the found'ring of "Chris's Idea"?
And would hunting white whales, like all searches for grails,
now be hailed as a failed panacea?

If HMS Bounty'd been captained by Beefheart 
instead of the wry Captain Bligh,
would its mutineers, rather than take to Tahiti, 
have fronted funk bands in Dubai?
And would Fletcher've been played not by Gable or Brando
but some far less self-absorbed guy?

If Endeavour'd been captained, instead of by Cook, 
by one Cap'n Horatio M. Crunch,
would be Botany Bay but one stop, since that day, 
on some serial cereal brunch?
And would Cook's tours be publicized "Crunch Tours" instead?
It’s a good bet they would, I've a hunch.

If the schooner We're Here had as pilot Der Captain
of "Hans-und-Fritz" fame -- and not Disko,
then would young Harvey Cheyne have become Daddy's bane
and migrated from Gloucester to Frisco,
where, no longer a kid, he'd do scenes in a vid,
playing Pancho to some sordid Cisco? 

If ace Captain Eddie's belov'd Flying Fortress 
became Captain Eo's space vessel,
then would World War II prove a minor ado, 
called when Ed asks Herr Adolf: "Who'll wrestle!"?
Or would spacetime get bent, with Ed's UFO sent
back in time to snuff young Georgie Jessel?

If Flint and his Walrus became SS Feathersword 
and its eponymous captain?
Would the forementioned Feathersword balk at such switch, 
crying, "No bloody way I'm adaptin'!"?
And would Captain Fantastic, with no ship at all, 
of a sudden start speaking Sahaptin? 

What if George -- "Captain Seafood" -- would try to usurp
Captain Gantu's Galactic Armada?
Would not Lilo and Stitch knuckle under and snitch? 
What would happen? In fact, next to nada:
George would grant Gantu's wish and serve everyone fish
with an order of fries, blah-de-blah-dah... 

What if Hook's Jolly Roger (once christened The Wasp)
were by Hornblower re-christened Sutherland?
Then would Captain Horatio, thuswise bereft, 
with no ark to embark towards the motherland,
taunt Herge's Captain Haddock, "You've no bark as well?
Must we both end our days in some other land?"?

What if Captain Insano had tossed in the towel...

(a work in progress)

Captain January

Captain Janeway

Captain Kirk

Captain Kangaroo

Captain Kidd

Captain Lorca

Captain Marvel

Captain Morgan

Captain Nemo

Captain Obvious

Captain Picard

Captain Queeg

Captain Ron 

Captain Sisco

Captain Sparrow

Captain Spaulding

Captain Teague

Captain Underpants

Captain Von Trapp

Captain White

Captain Xavier

Captain Yuri

Captain Yamato

Captain Zoom

Captain Zack

"You will find that algae hides your buggy..." A Baker's Dozen "On Approval" Outtakes for Your Approval: A Constrained Nonsense Alphabet in Rhyme

“You will find the dinghy by the jetty.” 

                  – Bea Lillie in On Approval from1944

“You will find that Algae hides your Buggy.”

“Do you mind that Cugie’s dyed your Doggie?”
“In a bind, Bea’s* Edgy, never Foggy.”
“She’s not dined. Still, Googie* hates her Hoagie.”
“Lowell's kinda Itchy. (He's a Junkie.)”
“Sue's behind -- and Kitty, too, looks Logy.”
“She’ll get fined if Maggie puts out Nookie.”
“Foodies find her Orgies use Pierogies.”
“Horacio signed ‘Quiroga,’ – not ‘Quirogi.’”
“They’re not blind: sane Ranis spurn the Suttee.”
“He’s behind; he’s Tardy (Uncle Urbie).
“Film fans find Clive* “Veddy, veddy Witty.’”
“Unassigned: X or Z…(Yaddi-yaddi…)”

      * Bea Lillie, Googie Withers and Clive Brook 
all appeared in the cinema classic On Approval. 
Other individuals mentioned here – Kitty Carlisle, 
Xavier Cugat, Margaret Thatcher, Horacio Quiroga 
and my Aunt Tillie Sprawl’s former husband Urban – 
merely attended a screening of the film.