Scarry Au Courant; or, DoowaldABC: an Abecedarial Double-Dutch Jumping Rhyme

 Doowaldeigh, doowaldeigh! What do some folks 

do all day...? 

 What's the actress do all day...? Feign she's straight, though 

plainly gay...?

 
 What's the banker do all day...? Mortgage homes though 

folk can't pay...?
 What's the colonel do all day...? Abuse his female 

attache...?

 

 What's the druggist do all day...? Endorse a bogus 

nasal spray...?

 What's the extra do all day...? Become her idol's 

protege...?

 What's the frat boy do all day...? Relax the ancient 

Roman way...? 

 What's the gringo do all day...? Routinely mispro-

nounce "Ole!"...?

 What's the horse thief do all day...? Traffic fossil 

equidae...?

 What's the intern do all day...? Scavenge off a 

patient's tray...?

 What's the juror do all day...? Payoffs from a 

witness weigh...?

 What's the Klansman do all day...? Pray black lives soon 

fade away...?

 What's the landlord do all day...? List which items 

don't convey...?

 What's the mayor do all day...? Do it Giuli-

ani's way...? 

 

 What's the Negro do all day...? Re-educate the 

KKK...?

 What's the orphan do all day...? Investigate her 

DNA...?

 

 What's the pontiff do all day...? Elect to look the 

other way...?

 What's the quisling do all day...? Fear the ball may 

ricochet...?

 What's the racist do all day...? Ape Emcee in 

"Cabaret"...?

 What's the strawman do all day...? Elaborate the 

shadow play...?

 What's the toady do all day...? Praise her boss's 

macrame...?

 What's the umpire do all day...? Misconstrue the 

double play...?

 What's the vegan do all day...? Eat three green things, 

come what may...? 

 What's the wastrel do all day...? Dream, "This, too, shall 

pass away"...?

 

 What's the X-Man do all day...? Draw comfort from his 

soubriquet...?

 What's the yahoo do all day...? Sweep the sty...? Re-

place the hay...?

 

 What's the zealot do all day...? Execute the 

VP, eh...?

 Doowaldeigh, doowaldeigh! That's what some folks 

do all day.

De Profundus; or, So Long, Morwenna! See Ya in Gehenna!

An exile held on Devil’s Isle, 
I’ll trek tonight The Final Mile. 
But first they’ll serve me one last meal -- 
for one who fasts, a major deal. 
For starters, there's a pewter pail 
they'll fill to full with golden ale. 
Then, garnish'd with fresh lemon peel, 
some jellied-eel-topp'd eland heel. 
Before I tread the dead man's aisle, 
before's engaged the voltage dial, 
I'm guarantee'd my choice of veal 
or roasted rack of Zeeland seal. 
As sounds the dinner bell’s last knell, 
“I’ve room for Jello,” I shall yell. 
I'll then make known my final will: 
“I've had, in sev'ral ways, my fill.”  

The Pig and the Pangolin (not to be confused with "The Eel and the Eland")

      If Edward Lear didn't exist, 

      we'd have to invent him.

          I 

The Pig and the Pangolin took to the road

     Of their mutual karma in quest,

Making headway bizarrely, they sped on a Harley,

     A Hydra Glide. Ride...?  Of the best.

This pair rarely flipp'd as their bike was equipp'd

     With a sidecar of wondrous design

Which allow'd 'em to chat back 'n' forth, tit for tat,

     As they straddl'd each highway's white line,

          White line,

          White line,

     While astride ev'ry highway's white line.

          II 

Queried Pango of Pig, "What's this thingamajig...?"

     As she handled his standard transmission.

"It permits," claim'd the swine as he stiffen'd his spine,

     "Me to ride in half lotus position.

Which reminds," he went on, "me: as thither 'n' yon

     We advance, what's the chance of our bedding...?"

To this Pango replied, "You can bet your pink hide

     There's no pray'r...'til we've shared a white wedding,

          White wedding,

          White wedding;

     Not a pray'r lest there's shared a white wedding."

          III

"Here's the thing: 'twould be nice if, with ring, shoes and rice,

     Our (say "when!") mise en scène would conclude,"

Purr'd the porker. "I mean, what a corker!...last scene

     Starring two (me 'n' you) in the nude."

"Such will never take place lest we two about face.

     We alternative plans need devise.

Trust me! Mother knows best," said the Pangolin. "Dress'd,

     We might sort, then abort, our white lies,

          White lies, 

          White lies,

No cavorting till's sorted those lies."

Mr. KnowNowt; or, A Drumpf Trial Prospective Juror Responds to Voir Dire

Who says the twice-impeached former POTUS

can't get a fair trial anywhere in the USA...?

Nowt know I of 

Kim Jong Un who

hectors North Korea.

Nowt know I of

Woody who ex-

asperated Mia. 
Nowt know I of

Jason -- or his

paramour Medea. 
And who the hell is

Donald Drumpf...? I've

really no idea. 

Nowt know I of

Putin who's an-

nexing The Crimea, 
nor nothing of Gon-

dawanaland which

once was call'd Pangaea, 
nor cannabis – al-

though it's thought by

some a panacea. 
And who the hell is

Donald Drumpf...? I’ve

surely no idea. 

Nowt know I of

syphilis, much

less of gonorrhea. 
Nowt know I of

conchas, though I

love a good tortilla. 
Nowt know I of

Poe – except his

onomatopoeia. 
And who the hell is

Donald Drumpf...? I’ve

truly no idea. 
 
Nowt know I of

horseflesh, though I’ve

won at Hialeah. 
Nowt know I of

Viet Nam, much

less of Kampuchea. 
This fellow Drumpf: is

his a case of

ludicrous latria...? 
Whoe’er he is, it's

not my biz. I’ve

no i-(frickin')-dea!

The Courting of Snark Supreme

      They annointed his palms with long weekends in Bali; 

          they bribed him with flights on their jets. 

      They purchased his soul with a gold-plated brolly -- 

          nor's that as corrupt as it gets. 

     They corrupted his spouse with vacations on yachts, 

          and himself with excursions on choppers. 

     He claims he's descended from lines of have-nots. 

          Are these origins more of his whoppers...? 

     They enticed him with tickets to sporting events. 

          They lured him with travels abroad. 

     It's fixed so his mother avoids paying rents. 

          Plain to see how the system is flawed. 

     Quid pro quos, "deese-fer-dough"s, payoffs 'n' perks: 

          around the world Clarence is flown 

     by a gang of unscrupulous billionaire jerks: 

          Ask Anita! We all should have known.