"Once ferrets prove carrots..." What Shall We Do Once Bob's Probe Proves It's True: Proposals & A Poll

Once ferrets prove carrots, we'll dice each brash rascal
and toss 'em in salads with radish and Pascal.
Once carrots prove parrots, we'll teach each bright bird
to recite Shakespeare sonnets she's learnt word for word.

Once parrots prove clarets, we'll bottle 'em so
they sagaciously age till they're vintage Bordeaux!
Once clarets prove Jarretts, (a Val'rie, a Keith),
we'll warn 'em: "Atop the bus; never beneath."

Once Jarretts prove Barretts -- Elizabeth, say --
we'll host sojourns haut in our cabriolet.
Once Barretts prove square (it's not proven they were),
we'll announce, "We doubt nowt about aught you infer."

Once Barretts bérets prove (Note how we pronounce!),
we'll don 'em as toppers: 'roun' town how we'll flounce!
Once "berrets" prove merits (distinctions we earn),
we'll award 'em en masse: we'll have merits to burn.

Once merits prove carets for editing texts,
blue pencils we'll drop, leaving editors vexed.
Once carets prove garrets where artists might paint,
we'll lease to Da Vinci: an artist we ain't.

Once garrets prove karats for measuring gold, 
shall your Nantes or my Danvers yield twenty-four fold?
Once karats prove fer-...ah-h-h-h, but, surely, we're through.
(Though once heroes prove zeros, once leaders prove bleeders,
once Don proves a con man, then what shall we to do.)
 

"Lincoln and Mencken and God, untight..." Eugene Field Revisited

Lincoln* and Mencken** and God,*** untight, 
have book'd passage 'board Titanic II.
Honest Abe chides The Diety: "Bollocks 'sobreeity'! 
Let's all get chock-a-block, nu...?"
     * Neither Elmo the actor nor Tribich the con, but 
Abraham the POTUS.
     ** Neither August, Sr., the tobacconist nor August, Jr., 
the engineer but H.L., the journalist.
     *** Neither Allah the Muslim nor Krishna the Hindu 
but Yahweh the Jew.  

The Jehovah's all for it: "Teetot'lers deplore it, 
no doubt, though I shout, 'Have you tried it?
Let me slip you this tip. Cup to lip! Take a nip! 
'Less I'm wrong, you'll no longer deride it.'"

Now half in his cups, H.L.M. interrupts: 
"Listen, Jew! When you're through, read my two lips: 
Since we're all call'd 'ombibulous'* (which is no fib), you'll as-
sent to my bent for mint julips."**
     * One who'll drink anything alcoholic. Mencken lists 
himself in that category.
     ** Mencken voices a preference for julips over beer.

Answers God through His squint, "Though not partial to mint, 
as My Bible plugs hyssop and wormwood,
still a julip or two would go down a treat. Do 
you agree...? Si! You both, I affirm, would."


(More to come: a work in progress.)

"My dream? I tune to breaking news..." Been Shot: An Oneirology

My dream? I tune to breaking news: 
"The President's Been Shot!"
My nightmare? Same old same old. Damn! 
The President's still NOT...

Another Man of the Cloth: Henri Matissue

Early Fauve portrayed with colored paper, an art material 
the potential of which he mastered late in his life:

Henri Matissue

was created with black and blue chemical markers,

surrounded by red tissue paper, 

drawn and glued onto stretched canvas

attached to pine frame

16" x 20"

"Curly, Moe; Larry, Shemp: all devolved to room temp..." Shuffling Off Our Mortal Coil; or, What Say Let's Live Forever!: A Constrained Nonsense Necrologue

Curly, Moe; Larry, Shemp: all devolved to room temp.
Sharp cartoonist Thom Nast wound up breathing his last.

Colin’s grandfather Firth has departed this earth
When shall we – you 'n' me -- shuffle off this m. c.?

Codicology's Morse rides – behold! – a pale horse.
Culture icon Joan Quarm, late last year, bought the farm.
Mogul Friedrich (“Fritz”) Krupp found his number was up.
When shall we – you 'n' me -- shuffle off this m. c.?

Poet John Albert Macy’s now pushing up daisies.
One Solomon Phipps fin’lly cashed in his chips.
Mr. Morrison Waite simply slid off the plate. 
When shall we – you 'n' me -- shuffle off this m. c.? 

All (well: most) of the Bysshes now sleep with the fishes.
St. Christopher Wade? Made to drink the Kool aid.
Herr Hermanus van’t Hoff softly exited off.
When shall we – you 'n' me -- shuffle off this m. c.? 

Jazz fervent Rudi Blesh went the way of all flesh. 
Ms. Elizabeth Baker en fin met her maker.
Li’l Abner’s Al Capp took a final dirt nap.
When shall we – you 'n' me -- shuffle off this m. c.?

Couple Carl and Blanche Jost gravely gave up the ghost.
Poet Julia Ward Howe waved, then took her last bow.
Joseph Smith and his wives? All of them lost their lives.
When shall we – you 'n' me -- shuffle off this m. c.?

Far-right-winger John Birch leaned, then fell off his perch.
Charles Caldwell McCabe? In the bosom of Abe. 
Both E. and K Wynn (dad and son) packed it in.
When shall we – you 'n' me -- shuffle off this m. c.? 

Rufus, Tom and John Choates all donned pine overcoats.
Kicked the bucket did Boggs: popped (did Samu'l) his clogs.
Even "Prosp" Merimee, in the end, passed away.
Still, we'll not say, "Amen!" till we're five score and ten! 

"So: who -- Lord forfend! -- pinned the Palin on Don Qui...?" Remembering Quixote, Warts & All: A Maverick Take (A Tenth -- the Tin One! -- Anniversary Waltz for September 3rd)

The good man may sometimes do the deed deemed less than good. Recently there died one such good man. A quality demonstrating his goodness? He refused to lie to himself about misdeeds he'd done. On September 3, 2008 -- ten years ago almost exactly -- Sarah Palin accepted nomination as John McCain's running mate, he and the GOP having bypassed Pawlenty, Romney, Crist, Jindal, Lieberman and others in favor of Mrs. P. 

Remembering Quixote, Warts & All: A Maverick Take

So: who -- Lord forfend! -- pinn'd the Palin on Don Qui?
But who -- some fine friend! -- pinn'd the Palin on Don Qui?

Republican pols smell'd political dawn. Key

to win? Pick as Veep not some male grey-maned honky.

So: who, 'round the bend, pinn'd the Palin on Don Qui? 
But who, not yet Zen'd, pinn'd the Palin on Don Qui? 

The Pachyderm long'd for a candidate wonky:

“No green nominee’ll help Mac hobble the Donkey.”

So: who (may we mend!) pinn'd the Palin on Don Qui?

But who, in the end, pinn'd the Palin on Don Qui? 
‘Twas you, John, who sounded the gong in the wrong key.

The Palin you pinn'd on your own coattails, Don Qui!

(A good man, McCain: upon hearing this song, he
will own to its truth. 'Tis what makes him our Don Qui.) 

Presidential candidate McCain shown circa September, 2008 

having just pinned one from a selection of Palin buttons near his lapel.

(Dimensional illustration by the author.)

New Installation: 3 Men and a Girl

The newest installation at the Sudbury Road Textile Museum is being called "3 Men (of the Cloth) and a (Material) Girl." It features a quartet of caricatured celebrities whose pun'd names reflect each individual's special relationship with some fabric or other. Pictured here, along with the artist, are: (upper left) Foam Chomsky; (upper right) Kevin GarNet; (lower left) Corduroy Orbison; and (lower right) Olive Voile. To view additional Men of the Cloth, scroll down or visit the site's archive which sits at the bottom of this home page and select from items listed there. 

Trump puppet master portrayed

framed in tartan of unknown clan:

Plaidimir Putin

was created with colored pencils

drawn on stretched canvas

framed with prepared back of dress shirt

stapled to pine frame

16" x 20"

men cloth list

Men of the Cloth completed thus far: 
     (To view images of all finished 16" x 20" canvases, scroll down below this post or visit blog archive at bottom of home page and select specific items.) 

Roy Orbison + wide-wale corduroy = Corduroy Orbison
Antonio Banderes + neckerchief and bandana = Antonio Bandanas
Gerard Depardieu + adult diaper = Gerard Diaperdieu 
Bill Cosby + piece of non-medical gauze = Bill Gauzeby 
Edgar Allan Poe + khaki-color'd peau de soie = Edgar Allan Peau de Soie 

Burl Ives + burlap coffee sack = Burlap Ives
Fiorello La Guardia + Old Glory-motif'd cotton bunting = Fiorello Flaguardia
Ker Dullea + lace table runner = Kier Du Lace
Tiny Tim + Reynolds aluminum foil = Tiny Timfoil
Harrison Ford + faux bearskin = Harrison Fur'd

Noam Chomsky + 6-inch upholstery foam = Foam Chomsky
Tintin + remnant of shiny-surfaced cotton = Satintin
John Lennon + linen tablecloth = John Linen
Bill Murray + Marimekko-style cotton sheet = Bill Murrimekko
Kevin Garnet + NBA basketball net = Kevin GarNet

Bill O'Reilly + bed pillow = Pillow Riley
Denholm Elliott + stressed blue jeans = Denim Elliott
Che Guevara + crochet'd tablecloth = Crochet Guevara
Sir Fred Hoyle + section of oilcloth = Sir Fred Hoylecloth
George Gamow + piece of camouflage-pattern'd cotton = George Gamowflage

Sam-I-Am + embroidery sampler = Sampler-I-Ampler 
     (Other samplers not drawn on: Little Black Sampler, Son of Sampler, Uncle Sampler, Yosemite Sampler and Sampler the Shampler (and the Pharaohs) 
Henri Matisse + pieces of wrapping tissue = Henri MaTissue 
Vladimir Putin + tartan pattern'd plaid = Plaidimir Putin

Material Girls completed thus far:

Olive Oyl + a batiste remnant = Olive Voile

Men of the Cloth in progress:

Hermann Hessian
Franz Kalfskin 
Sackrates 
Denzel Washantung
David Ogden Stiersucker
Eamon de Valoura 
Clark Sable 
Clauth Rains 
Chiang kai Check
Cheesecloth of Nazareth 
Chenille deGrasse Tyson 
Cisco Kidskin
Calvin Crewelidge
Cho En-Lycra 
Cheviot Chase
Chenille O'Neill 
ChifFonzie
Captain Hookrug
Casey Stencil
Charlie "Yardbird" Parquet  
Cotton Mather 
Arthur Conan Doily
Sackclotherell Sitwell
Bath Matsterson
Arthur Vinyl Davis
Audie Mufti
Alexander Gingham Bell
Alan Jay Velourner
Al Gore-Tex
Angora Vidal

Franklin Delano Roosefelt

Feodor ChiliaPinstripe

Fustian Fleming

Fabricky Gervaise

Fur de Grofe

Ferlin Husk

Felton John
General Curtis Lame 

James “Mad Dog” Mattress

Gilgamesh 

George Szellophane 

Gay Celise 

George Bernard Shawl

George Twill

Gaberdine Martin

Hopsack Braff 

Hopalong Tappestry

IsSackcloth Hayes

I. M. Paisley

Iggy Poplin

Jack Kerouwax Paper 

J. L. Ackrillic 

James K. Polkadot 

Jack Lemonate 

Jay Lenolium 

Jack Elaminate 

Jimmy DurAntimacassar

Jack Paarchment 

John Toweling 

Jack Web 

Jose Fleeceiano 

James Calicoco 

Jute Law

Johnny Cashmere

Jean-Michel Basquiatweave

Jersey Kosinski

Knit Romney

Khaki Chan 

Kevlar Burton

Kapok Shakur

Linen Johnson 

The Lone Raingear 

Lionel Hempton

Louis Farrakhanvas 

Leathurgood Marshall

Mink the Merciless 

Monty Wooly

Martin Loofah King, Jr. 

Mattress McConaughey

Marlon Bandeau  

Martin Screen 

Man Rayon 

Mr. T-Shirt

Muhammadras Ali

Maurice Ravelveteen 

Morgandy Freeman 

Mark Twine

Mohairy Pottter

Neil Patrick Harris Tweed

Noel Cowhide

Orlon Chaney

Paul Kleenex 

Poncho Villa 

Pincushion Zukerman 

Plush Limbaugh 

Pat Buckram 

Porky Pigskin 

Peter O’Tulle

Papierre Beaumache 

Percale Roberts

Quilt Chamberlain

Raffia Nadal 

Ragamemnon 

Richie Veilens 

Robert Shroud 

Salvador Doily 

Spiro Ragnew 

Steve Mnuchintz 

Serge Koussevitski

Saran Paul 

Sherlock Homespun 

Sir John Falstaffeta 

Stitch Henderson 

Tom Hankies 

Tick Cheney 

Ty-Dye Cobb 

Tarpo Marx

Terrycloth-Thomas 

Ultrasuede Boggs 

Vellum Shakespeare 

Vincent Van Gauze

Velvets Presley

Woodrow Woolson 

William Howard Taffeta 

Warren Spahnhdex

Worsted Cruz

Xinjiango Reinhardt

Yosemite Sampler

Zane Crepe

Alpaca Chino

Material Girls in progress:

Organdeedee Myers
Sarah Palint
Penelope Crewels
Jutey Garland
Acetatum O'Neal

Sarah Huckabee Sandpaper

Margaret Thatch 

Lame West 

Britney Spearsucker

Canvas Bergen

Lady Caroline Lambinate

Condoleezza Rice Paper

Doily Parton Divinyl

Flannelly O’Connor

Joan Baeze

Fleece Witherspoon 

Janet Muslin

Jane Curtain

Cate Blankett

Patti Label

Miss Jane Marble

Meryl Stripe

Nylonia Trump

Polyester Williams

Prunella Scales

Susan Saranwrap

Cameron Diazo

Sheet a Rivera 

Silka Chase

Torigami Spelling

Dustcloth Springfield 

Rugs' Gallery candidates in progress: 

Pontius Pile

Samuel Berber

Shaguille O'Neill

Edward Tufted

Monty Wool

Rya Cooder 

Don Knotted

JeThrow Tull

Another Man of the Cloth: Sampler-I-Ampler

Dr. Seuss's green eggs and ham monger

portrayed as embroidery tour de farce:

Sampler-I-Ampler

was created with colored pencils 

drawn in embroidered-sampler style

on gridded stretched canvas

stapled to pine frame

16" x 20" 

"Some watercress with (can't you guess?)..." Pairs Paired with Parallel Pairings: Famous Pairs (& Trios) of Comics Paired with Their Favorite Feasts, Foodstuffs & Fodders

The Form:

Some watercress 
with (can't you guess?)…
some Swiss chard, too, 
with "you-know-who."

The Pairings:

A true cantaloupe 
with comic Bob Hope...
one Buffalo wing
with "Road" crony Bing.

Fried eggs -- yolks runny, 
whites cooked -- with Bugs Bunny...
a Scotch chased with Bud 
with bete noir Elmer Fudd. 

Cucumber Crunch 
in a cone with young Punch...
some cool tutti-frutti -- 
two scoops! -- with jeune Judy. 

A Pepsi Free 
and a large fries with Key...
a Happy Meal 
and a Coke with Peele. 

A few sauternes 
with comic George Burns...
Shiraz (a gallon) 
with wife Gracie Allen. 

A bagel, half-eaten, 
with mute Buster Keaton...
a pickled pig's knuckle 
with Roscoe Arbuckle.

Some six Rockefeller- 
type Oysters with Teller...
bok choy vinaigrette 
with his pal Penn Jillette. 

Pineapple pickles 
with comic Mike Nichols...
some crabs in Old Bay 
with his gal Elaine May.

A goulash of sorrel 
with Brit Stanley Laurel...
one chocolate Smartie 
with Oliver Hardy.

Some corn on the cob, 
lightly butter'd, with Bob...
a crème fraiche parfait 
without nuts with pal Ray.

A well-brandied peach 
with that Marin boy Cheech...
one ripe scuppernong 
with his chum Tommy Chong.

A Cheddar Welsh rabbit 
with William "Bud" Abbott...
Pistachio Jello 
with foil Lou Costello.

The cheap house merlot 
with Curly and Mo...
a large box of wine 
with stooge Larry Fine.

Pastrami on rye 
with the wry Stephen Fry...
wild rice in nori 
with crony Hugh Laurie.

A salt-free filbert 
with Billy Gilbert...
Taleggio cheese 
with Dom Deluise.

Oysters in season 
with Jackie Gleason...
a stale Pecan Sandie 
with comrade John Candy.

Some Non-Comedic Pairs:

Bistecca Florence with singer Steve Lawrence... a creme brulee with Edie Gorme.
A stale corn dog with Phileas Fogg...warm Mountain Dew with Jean Passepartout. 
Chicken breast (bone-in) with Hume Cronyn...quail poach'd in brandy with Jessica Tandy. 
Shrimp quesadilla with Pancho Villa; mushroom frittata with Emiliano Zapata. 
Mulligatawny with Squire Trelawney; chowder from cans with Israel Hands. 
Yak's milk brie with Laotzi; artisanal cheeses with Baby Jesus. 
Waffle cones with Precious Jones; Marshmallow Fluff with Howard Duff.  
Medjool dates with Kathy Bates; a drawn tench with Dawn French. 
The vegetable medley with Jos Sedley; mugs of Bosco with Count Fosco. 
A morel with Adele; some copra with Oprah. 
Flounder en plat with Mrs. Jack Spratt; Coke (en carafe) with John Falstaff. 
Pasta shells with Orson Welles; liver fluke with King Farouk. 
One jawbreaker with Two Ton Baker; a blacken'd sprat with Oliver Platt. 

(More pairings to come: a work in progress)