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Wednesday, August 9, 2023

"Plan 81 From Outer Space," "Stalag 289" & 30 More Geometrically Expanded Cinema Sequels

 "The 1521 Steps": It's a very large network of spies. 

 "3025 Days at Peking": If I have to eat one more bowl of fried rice I'm gonna throw up. 

 "Passenger 3249":  Drink service on that flight must take forever. 

 "The Forty-Nine-Per-Cent Solution": It sure beats shag tobacco and black coffee but we're gonna need a bigger hypodermic needle. 

 "Henry XXV": Just once more into the breach, I promise. -- per GFH 

 "Twenty-five Weeks in a Balloon": There goes the last of the toilet paper...

 "Snow White and the Forty-Nine Dwarfs": Sleepy, Happy, Doc, Groucho,  Chico, Harpo . . . -- per GFH 

 "The 25,000,000 Fingers of Dr. T": I’m not looking forward to Doe-Me-Doe   Day. -- per GFH 

 "Cheaper by the Gross": This family’s a population bomb! -- per GFH 

 "Fahrenheit 203401": Republicans still claim climate change is a hoax. --   per GFH  

 "Thirty-six Degrees of Separation": Introducing Leo Jann, Imre Varhidi,  David Unaipon, Alfred Duggan-Cronin, Mahmud al-Kashgari... -- per EAH 

     "Forty-Nine Brides for Forty-Nine Brothers": Introducing Herod, Ishmael.   Judas, Kohath, Lamach, Methuselah, Nimrod, Obadiah, Philetus… -- per JB 

     "The One Hundred Commandments": We're gonna need a bigger ark.

     "72 1/4": That's counting all those 8mm home movies Fellini shot in grade school.

     "144 Angry Men": We're gonna need a bigger jury room.

      "7056 Charing Cross Road": Halfway to Bath just for used books...?

     "4,004,001: A Space Odyssey": Introducing the HAL 90,000.

     "Around the World in 6400 Days": No boats, no balloons, just one old elephant.

    "400,000,000 Leagues Under the Sea":

     "10,101 Dalmatians": We're gonna need a bigger hook-and-ladder truck.

     "Two Hundred Fifty Six Candles":

     "Miracle on 1156th Street": Are we still in Harlem...?

     "Apollo 169":

     "Ocean's One Hundred Twenty One":

     "The 160,000 Blows":

     "THX 12950044": Even in the far future, over-population remains unaddressed.

     "Twenty-five Easy Pieces":

     "Twenty-five Hundred Shades of Grey":

     "90 1/4 Weeks":

     "10:40 to Yuma":

     "Plan 81 From Outer Space":

     "Stalag 289": The Reich's prison system was larger than we thought. -- per GFH


Tuesday, August 8, 2023

The Theta Threnodies

A mathematician from Bath 
pads a a most misanthropical path. 
Waxing angry, ofttimes 
he's found casting out primes. 
We in Bath flee the wrath that he hath. 

Says a mirthless flat-earther from Perth, 

“I see breadth -- i.e., width -- but no girth. 
Lacking visceral fitness,  
my fate’s been to witness 
such dearth since my unworthy birth.” 

In Bethesda, one Seth met his death 
smoking meth, which arrested his breath. 
Seth's obit express’d  
sev’ral shibboleths: “Rest 
grant him, Lord” -- plus (unt'ward...?) “More is leth.” 

A Christmas wreath vendor from Meath 
gathers heather on Godlingston Heath, 
where he harvests the gorse --  
and the goosegrass, of course, 
which he clips with his lips or his teeth. 


Friday, August 4, 2023

A One-Trick Misogynist; or, Once Wed, One's Dead

Needles and pins, putti and djinns
once a man marries, more madness begins.
Brujas and wives, machetes and knives: 
once a dude says "I do!" anguish arrives.

Blood, sweat and tears, jeers and Bronx cheers: 
once a cat couples, his heartache appears.
Vodka and gin, misdeeds and sin: 
once a gent ties the knot, toxins kick in.

Kidneys and heart, stop and restart: 
once a man couples, his world comes apart. 

Ambush, delay, abandon, betray: 

once he espouses, he rouses decay.  

 

Foxes and minks, prisons and clinks:  

once a man gives a ring, everything stinks. 

Chestnut, cliché, chagrin and dismay:  

once he cojoins, a man’s loins waste away.  

 

Argil and clay, tinctures of grey:  

once a man mingles, he singles can’t play. 

Strumpet and whore, reprimand and what for:  

once a man bonds, he ash blondes must ignore.  

 

Pimp and procure, entice and allure:  

once a man melds, he’s a gelding for sure. 

Exacting, austere, forbidding, severe:  

once he unites, a man’s rights disappear. 


Advents and Lents, play money, pence:
once a bloke walks that aisle, stresses commence.
Bishops and pawns, scallops and prawns: 
once a lad plights his troth, oath swearing dawns.

Cortèges and dirges, bloodbaths and purges: 
once a chap dons the yoke, mis'ry emerges.
Blinders 'n' reins, deadbolts and chains:
once he's divorced, though, he Eden regains.

Thursday, August 3, 2023

Another Fine Day in Trump Country; or. Are Those Things Loaded...?

Gary Heet -- he packs a gun.
"It's what us Heets have always done."
I tell a lie; the man packs two.
Says Heet, "...like all my neighbors do."
In point of fact, it's three or four,
"...one army issue, from the war."
His permits signal 
' 10 or more.'
"I've some with small, some larger bore."
Indeed, Heet's arm'd with forty guns,
not counting ammo. (Heet stocks tons!)
If asked, he'd readily confess:
"I fear I'd feel unsafe with less." 

Tuesday, August 1, 2023

What If...? A Doggerel for the Dog Days

Were Christmas revels program'd on the 25th of June, 
might
not such Christmases prove less than white...? 
If Christmas were rescheduled to July the 5th, high noon,
might surplus sparklers savage Santa’s flight...? 

If “Jingle Bells” were carol’d on the 4th or 5th of May, 
might Blitzen diss the hue of Rudolph’s nose...? 
If August 27th replaced the late December day, 
might Santa need to don some summer clothes...? 

If April 1st were designated "Fooltide" ("Yule de Fools"),
might gifts be of the gag variety...?
Might Claus replace his reindeer with a team of 20 mules...?
(A 20-mule-long sleigh I long to see.)

Were September 25th the day when Christmas gifts got gifted,
might "Back to School" sales get delay'd a week...?
If December 25th to March the 23rd were shifted,
might "The First Noël" get sung in ancient Greek...?

Were October's final day be call'd, instead of Halloween,
'Navidad,' 'Weihnachten,' 'Nollaig' or 'Noël,'
might tenenbaums get swapp'd, exchanged for sundry items green --
perhaps a past-its-sell-date baby chanterelle...?

Were February 25th New Christmas, driven from December
to a month with sev'ral fewer days,
might Santa opt his famous North Pole toy shop to dismember
and to manufacture toys in cheaper ways...?

Does November's final Thursday seem more apropos of turkey
than of fruitcake, Pannetone or Christmas goose...?
Still, if dinner without Grandma's green bean casserole feels quirky,
you have yet to learn the meaning of 'abuse.'

If January 25th my Christmas holiday'd become,
I think I simply couldn't stand to wait
that extra month: "Such putting off...? 'Tis nothing short of dumb!
I move we keep the once and future date."

"King Dump": "Ubu Roi" Reimagined Yet Again

  (More to come; a work in progress.)