Mrs Gampignon (Incompluiete)

 

Toadstool Bumberstuchs & Their Enthusiasts: A Portrait Gallery

British Midwife Sarah Gampignon 

American English Teacher Booker E. Portobrella 

Russian Colonel Boris Zanterelle 

Japanese Warrant Office Hitohiro Ebonoki 

French Vice Premier Jean-Jacques Têtebrogue 

India's Sri Mahatma Chatra

     (images forthcoming)

Mushruminations; or, 'Shrooms With a View

My ol' man's a mushroom maven. 

Make you much of that...? 

He sports a mushroom macintosh 

to match his mushroom hat. 

He markets mushroom kippers 

from his mushroom chipper van.

When I've grown big, I'll get that gig: 

I'll mirror my ol' man. 

Mom's, as well, a mushroom maven, 

touts its outs 'n' ins, 

inscribes tefillin parchment scripts 

on dried cremini skins, 

like, "Fret not! Cease from anger!" 

from the 37th psalm. 

To become a mushroom maven 

must I imitate my mom...?

My sister Mae's a mushroom maven; 

sister Mim's another. 

They both knit mushroom kippahs 

for Methuselah, their brother --  

mushroom kittels, mushroom tzitzits;

mushroom tallits, too. 

When thirty three, I hope to be 

a mushroom maven, nu...? 

   

Whose Zoo...?

Drumpf's, of course. Sure, each 
of the political animals pictured 
possesses a specific scientific 
 proper name. But look closely: 
they're all Donald's creatures.

1. The Mobb Ostrich 

Jane Errs; or, Brontë Varia: Opening Lines to Final Chapters of Jane Eyre Wannabes

"Reader, I married him." 
     So opens the last chapter of Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre. Attempting to piggyback on the novel's success, several subsequent authors have begun the final chapters of their own literary efforts by channeling Ms Brontë and paralleling her character's address to readers. 

     In X**s, Bl**dy X**s, a memoir of her first solstice spent in the People's House, First Lady Melania Drumpf relates how she discovers the necessity of overriding each and every one of her husband's holiday decorating ideas. In the book's final chapter's opening line, and continuing her unapologetic habit of plagiarizing others' texts, she begins to relate how she pooh-poohs her spouse's insistence on requiring all White House and Cabinet staff to dress in elves outfits laden with gold ornament:

"Reader, I raspberried him."

    (More book titles, authors' names and brief synopses of various literary efforts to follow; a work in progress.) 

Material for possible future items:

"Reader, ma Mere knee'd him." 

"Reader, might Cher bleed him...?"

"Reader, I parried him." 

"Reader, I miscarried him." 

"Reader, I serried him." 

"Reader, I reburied him." 

"Reader, I ferried him." 

"Reader, I down Derry'd him." 

"Reader, I harried him." 

"Reader, I Glengarry'd him." 

"Reader, I wherried him." 

"Reader, I tarried him." 

"Reader, I Jim Carrey'd him." 

"Reader, I air raid him." 

"Reader, I dry sherry'd him." 

"Reader, I fair maid him." 

"Reader, I knobkerried him." 

"Reader, I Fermi'd him." 

"Reader, I Hail Mary'd him." 

"Reader, I varied him." 

"But, Reader, do I dare heed him...?"

Other Cognitive Tests

Person... 

woman... 

man... 

TV... 

idiot. 

Person... 

computer... 

TV... 

sociopath... 

dick.

The Kray's Zebra & Other Political Animals

The Unn Oyster 

The Benn-Towtesh Ape 

The Petschull Anteater 

The Beëlza Baboon 

The Erie's Ponzi Bull 

The Bitt Tern 

The Kray's Zebra 

The Mackie-Yav Elephant 

The Iddy Otter 

The Knott-Allth Hare

 

The Knott-Alth Hare

The deSpepp Tick

 

The deSpepp Tick 

The Paar-Venn Gnu

 

The Paar-Venn Gnu

The Yill Eagle

 

The Yill Eagle