-Cide by -Cide or Murders He Wrote

Moi? Contemplate self-murder? Nah! I’m fa-a-a-a-a too "nah"cissistic.
To kill another, on the other hand? That's fatalistic.

While often bored with board games (though Parcheesi I’ve not tried),

I murder’d Colonel Mustard -- and was tried for Clueicide.

Insisting I’d not slit my wrists, committing suicide,

I massacred the March King -- and was tried for Sousacide.

Though I, like you, revere the gnu (I poachers can’t abide),

still, wildebeests I’ve wasted -- and been tried for gnuicide. 

*  *  *  *  *

While claiming I’d not slay the wife – how could I harm my bride? --
I poison’d her pastrami -- and was tried for shrewicide.

While noting I’d no Kigmie kill (“So cute! So cute!” I’d cried),

I snuff'd a pair and, then and there, was tried for shmooicide.

A female Doctor? (Some have mock'd her maiden TARDIS ride.)
But, no: not me! I'll not, you see, be tried for Whoicide. 

While mouthing, “Me? Dispatch a flea? Such cavil hurts my pride,”

I crucified a zooful -- and was tried for zooicide.

*  *  *  *  *

Berating gender bias, I felt uber-qualified

to decapitate Capote -- and get tried for Truicide.

While cleaning out the septic tank, well-arm'd with fungicide,

I brain’d each bac I bared there -- and was tried for sewercide.

Insisting, “I’m pro-Indian…” (whatever that implied),

I scalp’d Black Elk and Red Cloud -- and was tried for Siouxicide.*
     * N.B.: I was not tried for croaking Crow King. 

Moi? Contemplate self-murder? Nah! I’m still too "nah"cissistic.

To shoot or smother some poor other? That's (I've learn'd) linguistic.