And what if this evening the theatre manager's pre-overture announcement of a last-minute substitution in the cast happens to include the man's statement that the roles of a set of twins featured in the production -- twins with very similar-sounding, even identical-sounding, though by no means identically spelled, surnames -- would be sung in the approaching performance by their respective understudies?
And what if that operetta happens to be a new production of a brilliant musical adaptation of one of Herge's lesser-known Tintin stories?
And what if those roles happen to be the supporting ones of Thompson and Thomson, the Belgian boy reporter's comical look-alike colleagues?
And what if those understudies happen to be Captain Matthew Flinders and Ms. Moll Flanders?
And what if that theatre manager's announcement happens to lead on the following morning to a 72-point Variety headline screaming that two new stars are born?
And what if that screaming Variety headline happens to read:
"Flinders and Flanders ARE Thompson and Thomson"?
And, if all this be so, how many similar 72-point Variety headlines might happen to wait in the wings?
You decide -- using one or another of the variations on the theatre manager's announcement listed below.
(And, in the meantime, hold the presses!)
"Ladies and gentlemen, in tonight's performance
of Tintin Tours Tartarus the Musical, the roles of
Thompson and Thomson will be sung by…
...Ms. Erika Bok and Herr Johann Sebastian Bach
...Mr. John Candy and Mr. Mohandas Gandhi
...Ms. Margaret Cho and Mr. G. I. Joe
...Mr. Robert De Niro and the Emperor Nero
...Ms. Virginia Woolf and Mr. Howlin' Wolf
...Ms. Kay Thompson and Mr. Vigil Thomson
...Mr. Mel Torme and Ms. Marissa Tomei
...Mr. Jim Dandy and M. Vincent D'Indy
...Ms. Chita Rivera and Mr. Paul Revere
...Ms. Nell Gwyn and Mr. Fred Gwynne
...Captain Matthew Flinders and Ms. Moll Flanders
...Mr. Brad Pitt and Ms. Zasu Pitts
...Ms. Alice Liddell and Mr. Malcolm "X" Little
...Ms. Dinah Shore and Mr. Toots Shor
...Adm. Richard E. Byrd and Mr. Tweety Bird
...Mr. John Dough and Mrs. Jane Doe
...Mr Henry Stanley and Mr. Stan Lee
...Mr. J. M. Synge and Mr. Mahomet Singh
...Ms. Nancy Reagan and Mr. Johnny Raygun
...Mr. Wally ("Famous") Amos and Mr. Kingsley Amis
...Chief Sitting Bull and Herr Heinrich Böll
...Mr. Edward Bear and Mr. Max Baer
...Captain William Bligh and Mr. Robert Bly
...Ms. Tammy Faye Bakker and Mr. Dick "Two Ton" Baker
...Mr. Yul Ulu and Ms. Little Lulu
...Mr. Joseph Bonanno and Senorita Chiquita Banana
...Mr. Lawrence Olivier and Ms. Edna May Oliver
...Colonel Yuri Gagarin and Lady Gaga
...Ms. Imogene Coca and Mr. James Coco
...Mr. George Gobel and Herr Joseph Goebbels
...Mr. W. B. Yeats and Mr. Roscoe Ates
...Mr. Frank Lloyd Wright and Mr. Right
...Herr Thomas Männ and Mr. Spiderman
...Mr. Northrop Frye and Mr. Jud Fry
...Ms. Edie Adams and Mr. Chas. Addams
...Ms. Marilyn Monroe and Mr. H. H. Munro
...Mr. Aidan Quinn and Mr. Willard Van Orman Quine
...Ms. Mata Hari and Ms. Debby Harry
…Ms. Theda Bara and Mr. Yogi Berra
…Mrs. Laura Bush and Mr. August Busch
…Ms. Willow Bay and Mr. Turhan Bey
…Mme. Marie Curie and Mr. Finlay Currie
…Senora Celia Cruz and Mr. Tom Cruise
…Ms. Jeanne Crain and Mr. Hart Crane
…Ms. Barbie Doll and Mr. Roald Dahl
…Little Miss Echo and Mr. Umberto Eco
…Ms. Tina Fey and Mr. Michael Faye
…Ms. Nadia Gray and Mr. Zane Grey
…Ms. Lena Horne and Mr. Paul Horn
...Mr. Dollar Brand and Mr. Marlon Brando
...Ms. Joan Thursday and Mr. Floyd Thursby
…Mr. Harold Ickes and Mr. Dave Hickey
…Ms. Calamity Jane and Mr. Julian Jaynes
...Mr. Genghis Kahn and Mr. Sammy Cahn
…Herr Helmut Kohl and Ms. Natalie Cole
...Mr. Louis le Grand and Mr. Michel Legrand
…Ms. Lois Lane and Mr. Frankie Laine
…Ms. Mary Lamb and Mr. Wifredo Lam
…Ms. Vivien Leigh and Mr. Pinky Lee
...M. Gustave Moreau and Mr. Vic Morrow
…Ms. Mary Tyler Moore and Othello the Moor
...Mr. Jack Black and Mr. William Blake
...Mr. W. E. B. Du Bois and Senors Los Lonely Boys
…Mr. Louie Nye and Mr. Bill Nighy
…Ms. Tatum O’Neal and Mr. Eugene O’Neill
...Mr. Juan Peron and Judge Jeanine Pirro
…Ms. Kimberley Po and Mr. Edgar Allan Poe
…Mr. Anthony Quinn and Ms. Butterfly McQueen
…Mr. John Rambo and M. Arthur Rimbaud
…Ms. Rene Russo and M. Jean Jacques Rousseau
...Oberst Ernst Rohm and Mr. Tony Rome
…Ms. Rachel Ray and Mr. Alvino Rey
…Ms. Patti Smith and Mr. Ronald Eustace Psmith
…Mr. Louis Untermeyer and Mr. Samuel Untermeier
…Ms. Missouri Vaun and Mr. Stevie Ray Vaughn
…Ms. Fay Wray and Mr. Man Ray
…Ms. Kelly Winn and Mr. Keenan Wynn
…Herr Max Weber and Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber
…Ms. Loretta Young and Herr Carl Gustav Jung
…Senor El Zorro and Mr. George Soros
