Where ARE you...? No: Where IS 'u'! Plus More Eggcentricity

You can’t get married on an isle

unless prepared to add an aisle –

you merely add an ‘a,’ my chil.’

He hadn't travell’d far, had Ike,

until I bought the boy a bike.

Said Dwight, “Add ‘b’...or else I hike.”

Cried Huck, “Let’s steal ourselves a raft –

unless we spot some larger craft.”

“But we ain’t got no ‘c,’ Jim laugh’d.

For forty days, down came the rain.

My first floor flooded. “Where’s the drain…?

I need a ‘d’: that much seems plain.”

My collie Shep’s renamed ‘Bo Peep’

and, much like Bo, misplaces sheep.

Shep gets an ‘e’: I get my sleep.

My Uncle Luke dislikes the lute.

“I hate to pluck. I’d rather toot.”

Luke gets an ‘f.’ (Luke loves his flute.)

In Mexico I met a gringo.

“Lose the ‘g,’ I chirp and…bingo!

Up there jumps a Beatle (Ringo).

Harold, once, had all his hair.

Above his head now’s nowt but air

The ‘h’ that was…? No longer there.

Twin imps attack’d my Aunt Louise.

I poked their ‘i’s out, if you please.

Now we’re in tow to two MPs.

The ‘J’ from Ludwig’s Ode to Joy…?

Gone missing. Perp…? That Bernstein boy.

Len’s publishing his Ode to “Oy!.”

When Sigmund was a little kid

his ‘k’ Sig’s younger siblings hid.

Remaining…? One malicious id.

On hearing The Gospel According to Luke

had abandon’d its ‘L,’ I lacunae rebuke:

No, I’ll not heed The Word for Accordeen ‘n’ Uke.

Dad’s lost his brush. Dad’s lost his comb.

Mom’s lost her ‘M.’ Mom’s left with “Om.”

(I guess that’s why Daddy’s no longer at home.)

Subtraction’s a form of addition, I’ve heard.

Then is “’none’ minus ‘n’ equals ‘one’” not absurd…?

Yes, if ‘minus’ means ‘plus’…or each number’s a word.

What’s the girth of his liver…? No greater than so.

But, with aid of a spoon, he’s ingested an ‘O,’

thus creating the Oliver Hardy we know.

Bitter, mild; ginger, brown: all are versions of ale.

For a fifth variation (my fav’rite) try pale.

(Adding ‘p’ to my ale makes it pale – without fail.)

In Scotland, a quagmire is often called quaw.

If it loses its ‘q,’ by linguistical law

UAW members emerge, then withdraw.

Sinbad takes to the sea aboard Elsie, her udder

so sorely distended, she steers, like a rudder

when Sinbad adds ‘r,’ (Plus, that cow churns his butter.)

Oh, how I love to go up in a swing!

“I shall fly higher still,” I think, “when I’ve a wing.”

(Dropping ‘s’…? ‘Tis no guess it’s a lib’rating thing.)

How our nation’s infected with haters we’ve seen.

Now some linguist has added a ‘t’ in between.

And the hatters resulting…? Quite mad. (No less mean.)

There’s a “Man overboard,” cries the mate (though there’s not).

It’s young Pip, just turned ten, and he can’t swim a jot.

Toss that poor boy a ‘u’! He lacks “’buoy’ancy,” what?

Mr. Ness leads the vice squad. His methods are bold.

Al Capone swipes his ‘v.’ (Nitti did it, we’re told.)

Now Ness works in the ice squad. (He likes soda cold.)

The Fool Killer’s comin.’ I take to my heels.

I’d die not – although I don’t know how that feels.

Find a ‘w.’ Fleeing’s much faster on wheels.

Rebellious Boxers…? Just Boers spelt with ‘x’s.

I’ve battl’d with Boxers and Boers -- of both sexes.

(I beat both a Boer and a Boxer in Texas.)

Unto the fray…? I defer: ain’t no way!

I’m a lover. My fighting’s for some other day.

Drop that ‘y’! Fra and I shall ex ville steal away.

Booin’…? Nowt doin.’ That stuff’s just not me.

Negativity…? Nossir! Just give me a ‘z,’

which I’ll ad to my boo. (Bozo’s raspberry-free.)

Chorus line chorines – that T&A crew –

simply hand in their ampersand when they get through.

Then it’s “ta” each attests (which is short for ‘adieu’).

Eggcentric Caviar:
Roes By Several Other Names