Nine Noxious Novels -- Including Their Anagrammatic Opening Lines Which Victorian Author Edward Bulwer-Lytton MIGHT Have Written Instead Of The Opening Line He Actually Wrote To Begin His Novel "Paul Clifford": "It Was A Dark And Stormy Night..." -- or What Was It Really Like That Evening...?

     The 24 Letters

A A A A D D G H I I K M N N O R R S S T T T W Y

     The Opening Lines 

Damn! A kittydog saw rats in H.R.

Do it, Ma! Hang Kid WarttyAss, R.N.!

My dart, nigh to a tan'd-raw kiss

Dirty Dr. Gaat...? Santa knows him.

Martians throw Sky Gin at Dad.

No drawing, St. Mark, at thy dais.

Say, "And swig that drink, Mr. Tao!"

Stand making radar toast...? Why...?

My waist sang "'Ard Rd." -- I think.

It was a dark and stormy night.

     The Titles and Synopses

     1 

Big Ol' Ben and Li'l Rin-Tin-Tigger 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton. The CEO of a firm in The City employs a pest-fighting

duo consisting of one ex-Scotland Yard sniffer dog and one animal of an entirely

new species -- the laboratory created so-called "caninecat," one part feral feline,

one part British bulldog -- to track down and eradicate an infestation of multiple 

nuisances in his Human Resources Dept. As readers will remember, the London

Times best seller began thus: 

     "'Damn! A kittydog saw rats in H.R...'"

     2 

Outlaw Nurse Practitioners of the Old West: a Memoir

by Judge Dory Beane as told to Edward Bulwer-Lytton: Rough frontier justice as meted out to those guilty of healthcare malpractice was often as swift as it ultimately proved capricious -- especially when delivered by those notorious female judges who wielded their gavels for several hot summers in the territories west-north-west of the Pecos. Who can forget the account's shrill opening lines 

voiced by the Hanging Judgess's empathy-challenged son and acting assistant deputy Donald: 

 

     "'Do it, Ma! Hang Kid WarttyAss, R.N.!...'" 

     3 

The Bowler & the Burnoose or Raidin' 'n' Robbin' With Robin of Arabia 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton: a reimagining of the history of British adventuring in 

the Mideast by relocating it and its Victorian practitioners to a particularly arid neighborhood within Sherwood Forest. Don't all remember how the novel famously opens...?

     "My dart, nigh to a tan'd-raw kiss..."

     4 

Abortion at the North Pole: A Merry Christmas Mystery 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, in which an elderly Mr. Kringle abandons his annual toy distribution philanthropy to open "Back-Alley Babies," an entirely new and (for now) perfectly legal clinical enterprise. The work's well-known opening...? 

     

     "Dirty Dr. Gaat...? Santa knows him...."

     5

Red Planet, Green Men & Pink Elephants 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, in which fiendish space invaders, employing their deadly Intoxi-Ray, attack Earth women in general and the narrator's alcoholic father in particular. Few can forget the novel's first words:

     

     "Martians throw Sky Gin at Dad..."

     6

The Godspell Strip: A 'Toon of the Christ 

by Edward Bulwer Lytton, in which the Winged Lion of Alexandria, against all the cautionary urgings of his fellow evangelists, elects to spread not The Word but The Doodle. Chapter one begins thus: 

     "'No drawing, St. Mark, at thy dais...'"

     7

Cheers! Legends from a Limehouse Speakeasy 

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, in which the female narrator, a former madam and gangster's moll, regales her readers with stories of the drinks and the drunks which to this day support her and her aged mother. Reviewers often quote the 

novel's infamous beginning: 

     "'Say, "And swig that drink, Mr. Tao!"'..."

     8

Bunker Buzz: Hitler's Secret Weapon: The Fact & The Fable

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton...    (a work in progress)

     "Stand making radar toast...? Why...?"

     9

Confessions of a Relapsed Lipo-Suction Junkie

by Edward Bulwer-Lytton...   (a work in progress)

     "'My waist sang "'Ard Rd." -- I think...'"