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Sunday, October 31, 2021

Goodnight, Lady! (Past)


    You'd 
better just stay 
home, you tired, you 
poor!
     You'd
seek asylum...?
Not if up to 
me.
     You 
huddled masses 
yearning...? You're a 
bore!
     From 
shithole countries...?
Who'd not want to
flee...?
     Blacks
mailing early 
ballots...?  Not no 
more!
     Free
lunches...? Day care...? 
Hey! That shit ain't 
free!
     Don't 
make me build no
wall or close no 
door!
     More 
immigrants from
Norway let there
be! 
     (And 
yeah: I'll win in 
2024.)


Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Pronouncements I Tune Out (Past)

"Nadal's footwork is amazing, no matter 
in which direction he moves. Whether east 
or west, north or south. Whether southeast 
or southwest, northwest or northeast. Whether 
east-southeast or south-southeast, west-
northwest or east-southeast. Whether..."

"I don't care what color my constituents are,
whether black, white or purple. Whether blue
or orange, red or vermillion. Whether violet 
or chartreuse, pink or puce, whether..."

"You can 'grab 'em by the pussy, you can 
grab 'em by..." 

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

The Summing of the Snark (Unpub)

     Early in his "Preface to the Hunting of the Snark," Lewis 
Carroll offers what he terms proof that the poem isn't at all 
nonsense while noting that the evidence he offers has nothing 
to do with "the arithmetical principles so cautiously inculcated" 
in the poem. Below is a list of several of those principles, 
arrayed, appropriately, in arithmetical order.

     0. Zero. 
The Bellman's map appears in Fit the Second as "a perfect and 
absolute blank."

     1. One. 
The Bellman's bell, though frequently rung many times during the poem, remains a singularity. (The Bellman mentions specifically in 
Fit the First that, in addition to only one bell, there is only one ship 
and only one Beaver on board.)

     2. Two. 
In Fit the First, the Baker recommends to the Beaver two "excellent 
Policies" to insure his life against any predatory actions by the Butcher.
 
     3. Three. 
In Fit the First, the Bellman reminds the crew that "What I tell you 
three times is true." Such triple repetitions occur several times in
various guises throughout the poem.

     4. Four.
In Fit the Fourth, the Baker points out to the crew that he has told 
them his tale -- which he relates in Fit the Third -- in four languages: 
Hebrew, Dutch, German and Greek.

     5. Five. 
In Fit the Second, the Bellman draws the crew's attention to five marks by which genuine snarks are recognized: how they taste, their habit of rising late, their slowness in taking a jest, their fondness for bathing-machines and their ambition.

     6. Six. 
In Fit the Third, the crew rouses the Baker from a fainting spell he 
experiences at the end of Fit the Second using six means: muffins, 
ice, mustard, cress, jam and advice. (Additionally, they set him 
conundrums to guess.)

     7. Seven. 
Though the Baker leaves all his boxes on the beach and even forgets 
his name, he does, as Fit the First points out, wear seven coats upon 
his arrival on board.

     8. Eight.
The poem consists of eight groups of stanzas Carroll calls fits. It also 
features eight so-called portmanteau words.

     9. Nine.
The eighth and final fit consists of nine stanzas.

     10. Ten.
The crew numbers ten: a Bellman, a Boots, a maker of Bonnets and 
Hoods, a Barrister, a Broker, a Billiard-marker, a Banker, a Beaver, 
Bucher and a Baker. Their names, as is seen here, all begin with a B.

     11. Eleven.
The Baker's tale forms the central section of Fit the Third and consists 
of eleven stanzas.

     12. Twelve. 
12, 13 and 15 are arithmetically linked. 12 multiplied by 13 gives 156. 15 subtracted from 156 gives 141. 141 is the total number of stanzas in the entire poem.

     13. Thirteen. 
See text for number 12 above.

      14. Fourteen.
The number of stanzas in Fit the Third is 14.

     15. Fifteen.
See text for number 12 above.

     16. Sixteen.
The letters in the name of Carroll's dedicatee, Gertrude Chataway,
are used to fashion a poetic inscription in the form of an acrostic.
As there are 16 letters in Gertrude's name, there are, of course,
16 lines in the inscription.

     17. Seventeen

     18. Eighteen. 

     19. Nineteen.

     20. Twenty.
There are 20 letters in the name of the poem.  
   
      (a work in progress)



Monday, October 18, 2021

Bananagraffe on ‘SKIN’ (Past)

I know no one more knowing than I 
to ply Parker, papyrus and ink, 
and, eluding all risk to be seen as some nisk, 
swim towards tolerance, never to sink. 
     I’ll admit I’m no 10. No one is. 
Who amongst us subsists without sin…? 
Not your beatniks, your peaceniks, nono kind o -niks – 
despite creed, gender, color of skin. 
     Do you “yessir!” with da!,’ ‘ya!’ or ‘si!…? 
Curls your pupek far out or way in…? 
Are you Ms., Mrs., Miss (I discount skirts call’d ‘Knis’)? 
Be to Mayflower trippers you kin…? 
     Is your uncle a knight who says “Ni!? 
Be you one of them blue-bloodish “in”s…? 
Are you highbrow or hick…? If you’re Dutch do you snik…? 
Still, we’re fam’ly, no matter whose kins. 

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Spooner Just Outside Hollywood (Past)

Preston Sturges hollers“Roll!” 
Nine hundred thousand ducks (or so), 
in gamblers, tumble down a hole. 
(The film’s call’d Stetson Purges, no...?) 

The Super Blue Blood Moon...Again! (Past)

     (An Elegy Begun January 31, 2018 and 
Completed October 17, 2021)


The super blue blood moon 
on view on Tuesday night 
(the lady on our radio 
was right: 'twas "quite a sight") 
has come and gone. And though 
'twill come once more (some June...?), 
by then shall we have bid "bonne nuit": 
the super blue blood moon. 

The super blood moon's blue. 
(Perhaps 'tis all of cheese...? 
Before we show it be or no, 
we'll need analyses.) 
Yet, when it's come again 
(some late May afternoon...?) 
we're sure to've said, "We've gone to bed": 
the super blue blood moon. 

The super blue moon's blood, 
more orange-hued than red, 
has, since before the Great Downpour, 
across all earthscapes bled. 
When nigh looms its return 
(some future March jujune...?) 
by then we must have come to dust: 
the super blue blood moon. 

The blue blood moon be super: 
'tis bloody grandiose! 
Have we e'er seen such spacious sheen...? 
No way! What moon comes close...? 
And when it gleams once more 
(long have we humm'd this tune), 
we'll years before have closed our door: 
the super blue blood moon.

Friday, October 8, 2021

Friday's Rhetorical Question (Past)

Is Donald posted hate mail...?
Is Mitch sent nuisance tweets...?
Do folks ask Tucker, "WTF...?"
when Tuck big lies repeats...?
Is Joe attack'd in restaurants...?
Is Kyrsten often stalk'd...?
Let's say it's true. Here's one more Q:
Suppose they never talk'd...?

Monday, October 4, 2021

Get In The Mood! (Unpub)

     Letter A 

Abandon hope all ye who enter here!
About face!
Accentuate the positive!
Act your age!
Add 15%!

After the Fox!
Aim low!
All ahead full!
Always let your conscience be your guide!
Approach the throne!
 
…And Again!
Ανδρα μοι εννεπεε...!
...And stay out!
Answer the question!
Apply within!
 
Arise and walk!
Arma virumque cano...!
Ask again later!
Ask not what your country can do for you!
Assume the position!
 
At ease!  
Attend Mass every Sunday!
Atten...shun!
Avast, me hearties!
Away with 'em!

Sunday, October 3, 2021

"Che" Substitutes (Past)


     Iconic Revolutionary:
Ernesto "Che" Guevara
 
     Iconic Revolutionary Pop Composer and Former Barber:
"Che" Van O'Hayrcutt
     Iconic Revolutionary Reclusive Author of Young Adult Fiction:
"Che" DeSalinger
     Iconic Revolutionary Eager Beaver:
"Che" Phinghat-deBitt
     Iconic Revolutionary Gender-Sensitive Authoress:
"Che" Naughston
     Iconic Revolutionary Mother of God:
Regina "Che" Lorum
     Iconic Revolutionary Better Half of Pre-Freudian Split Personality:
Dr. "Che"kyl 
     Iconic Revolutionary Singing Cowboy:
"Che" Naughtry
     Iconic Revolutionary Irish Mozartean Operatic Hero:
Don "Che" O'Vaughny
     Iconic Revolutionary Big Easy Jazz Great:
Sidney Be"Che"t
     Iconic Revolutionary Blonde Bombshell Sex Symbol:
"Che"yne Mansfield
     Iconic Revolutionary Godson:
Al Pa"Che"no
     Iconic Revolutionary Russian with Purple Cuba-Shaped Birthmark:
Mikhail Gorba"Che"v

Friday, October 1, 2021

Meet the Elderberry! (Unpub)

     Sack your Blackberries, Old Timers!
 
     TV infomercial celebrity Daniel Francis Poe suggests you say "Howdy!" to the new Elderberry, the only social media device especially designed for the seasoned citizen. Using your Elderberry, you seniors can access great apps like these:
 
     The SoftWhere?

Using onboard GPS to locate the Walgreens in which you're at this very moment shopping, the new Elderberry SoftWhere? app provides whisper-quiet, jumbo screen display price checks on sale-priced stool softeners and “grandad-di’pes.”
 
     The Mock None 

Embarrassed by "all that racket"? Don't be! The new Elderberry Mock None app employs sound wave cancellation technology to mask audio nuisances like (A) ridicule prompted by the tell-tale rustling of adult diapers; (B) walking farts (yours and others'); (C) your claims that you tune in to Fox News because "their sets are so colorful": and (D) your sighing "whatever..." after mistaking Angela Davis for Angela Lansbury.
 
     The Deja View

Memory somewhat "sieve-like" of late? Not to fret! The state-of-the-art database linked to the voice simulation software in the Elderberry Deja View app provides perky answers to that constant FAQ of yours: "What the hell did I come in here for?"
 
     The Mister Miser

Hungry again already? Don't miss that all-important next meal! The Elderberry Mister Miser app scans and displays the full selection of "Early Bird" specials on offer at every walker-friendly Ruby Tuesday within the driving radius you input.
 
     The Flash Cash

Need new dentures? Don't pirate your pension! The Elderberry Flash Cash app allows you, the innovative senior, to tap directly into regional "smart" power grids to effectively market your surplus hot flashes to local energy providers, thereby reaping quick windfall profits. (And who's gonna tell Uncle Sam? Not your Elderberry.)
 
     The I-Nod

Dozing off in front of the telly too often? Don't be disgruntled! The Elderberry I-Nod app records any movies you've missed while "on the snooze" -- while continually upgrading a handy personalized database of the ones you've already viewed: "I tell ya, Dottie, I've never seen that one...oops, I tell a lie: I think I have."
 
     The Rub-A-Tub

You and "Special Someone" feeling amorous? Trust only the latest GPS technology to find the location of the nearest facility offering dual bathing features. [WARNING: Do not continue using the Elderberry Rub-A-Tub app if experiencing an erection lasting longer than you can remember.]
 
     The Tat-Scan

Having trouble identifying those old tattoos of yours now that you -- and they! -- are wrinklier than Babar's great-grandfather? Let the Elderberry Tat-Scan app decipher 'em for you, helping you to recall whether that's a broken heart occupying your left cheek or an anchor, a couple of liver spots and a bleeding mole. "It used to be just here, but now it starts here and goes a-a-a-a-a-a-l-l-l-l-l the way down to...there."
 
 
     The Gag LE (Gag Life Extender)

Using its patented system of complex algorithms, the Elderberry Gag LE app rewrites tired old geezer jokes into fresh new hipster jokes just as sick as today's headlines. Those killer punchlines of an earlier day like "...Franklin Delano Stink!" are hilariously transformed into current killer punchlines like "...Barack Hussein Stink!" -- and the laughs just keep coming. Kids: "Hey, Gramps: Tell us another!" Grampa, aside: "Thanks, Gag LE!"

Christmas Day: A Mare Egg...

     "A Mare Egg, Her Wrist, "Miss Two 'U'"