Meet the Elderberry! (Unpub)

     Sack your Blackberries, Old Timers!

 

     TV infomercial celebrity Daniel Francis Poe suggests you say "Howdy!" to the new Elderberry, the only social media device especially designed for the seasoned citizen. Using your Elderberry, you seniors can access great apps like these:
 
     The SoftWhere?

Using onboard GPS to locate the Walgreens in which you're at this very moment shopping, the new Elderberry SoftWhere? app provides whisper-quiet, jumbo screen display price checks on sale-priced stool softeners and “grandad-di’pes.”
 
     The Mock None 

Embarrassed by "all that racket"? Don't be! The new Elderberry Mock None app employs sound wave cancellation technology to mask audio nuisances like (A) ridicule prompted by the tell-tale rustling of adult diapers; (B) walking farts (yours and others'); (C) your claims that you tune in to Fox News because "their sets are so colorful": and (D) your sighing "whatever..." after mistaking Angela Davis for Angela Lansbury.
 
     The Deja View

Memory somewhat "sieve-like" of late? Not to fret! The state-of-the-art database linked to the voice simulation software in the Elderberry Deja View app provides perky answers to that constant FAQ of yours: "What the hell did I come in here for?"
 
     The Mister Miser

Hungry again already? Don't miss that all-important next meal! The Elderberry Mister Miser app scans and displays the full selection of "Early Bird" specials on offer at every walker-friendly Ruby Tuesday within the driving radius you input.
 
     The Flash Cash

Need new dentures? Don't pirate your pension! The Elderberry Flash Cash app allows you, the innovative senior, to tap directly into regional "smart" power grids to effectively market your surplus hot flashes to local energy providers, thereby reaping quick windfall profits. (And who's gonna tell Uncle Sam? Not your Elderberry.)
 
     The I-Nod

Dozing off in front of the telly too often? Don't be disgruntled! The Elderberry I-Nod app records any movies you've missed while "on the snooze" -- while continually upgrading a handy personalized database of the ones you've already viewed: "I tell ya, Dottie, I've never seen that one...oops, I tell a lie: I think I have."
 
     The Rub-A-Tub

You and "Special Someone" feeling amorous? Trust only the latest GPS technology to find the location of the nearest facility offering dual bathing features. [WARNING: Do not continue using the Elderberry Rub-A-Tub app if experiencing an erection lasting longer than you can remember.]
 
     The Tat-Scan

Having trouble identifying those old tattoos of yours now that you -- and they! -- are wrinklier than Babar's great-grandfather? Let the Elderberry Tat-Scan app decipher 'em for you, helping you to recall whether that's a broken heart occupying your left cheek or an anchor, a couple of liver spots and a bleeding mole. "It used to be just here, but now it starts here and goes a-a-a-a-a-a-l-l-l-l-l the way down to...there."
  
     The Gag LE (Gag Life Extender)

Using its patented system of complex algorithms, the Elderberry Gag LE app rewrites tired old geezer jokes into fresh new hipster jokes just as sick as today's headlines. Those killer punchlines of an earlier day like "...Franklin Delano Stink!" are hilariously transformed into current killer punchlines like "...Barack Hussein Stink!" -- and the laughs just keep coming. Kids: "Hey, Gramps: Tell us another!" Grampa, aside: "Thanks, Gag LE!"