"Sonnets" from "The Porch" (For Geeze)

     Below is a sampling of fifty ersatz terza rime extracted 

from a selection of stanzas lifted from Uly Poe's anthology 

of verse entitled "The Porch" and dedicated to Geeze, the 

poetaster's aging pet vaquita.

     I. From “Oh, Hell, Dolly!”
The quality of mercy is not strain’d.
Your doll's left knee must surely, Miss, be drain’d,
lest Dolly live to joint discomfort chain’d.

     II. From “Christopher Rodney King Saying His Prayers”

Friends, Romans, countrymen: lend me your ears!

Ken's* loathe to shun thee, then tend Eeyore's tears...
Pooh’s, too…? Can't we just get along, my dears…?

     *Ken Sansome voiced Rabbit in film versions of the Pooh stories.

     III. From “Bill (Not Tell) Mispells 'Marcel’”

Buff'lo Bill's defunct, who used to ride...

"Enough!" crows Will; he thrusts his Proust aside.
"Not Dr. J.,* Marsell (sic). Mr. Hyde!"    

     * A reference to Henry Jekyll, not the NBA’s Julius Erving

     IV. From “The Accident-Prone Tourist”

Midway on the journey of your life...

you skid (say on a turn...?) and off your wife,
permittin' you to ditch that troublin' strife.

     V. From “Missin’ ‘im A’ready”

Now I lay me down to sleep: I pray,

somehow, some way around this creep I may
detour, and -- dammit! – dodge this dweeb, okay…?

     VI. From “Recess or Recession…?”

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita.

Huge debts…? Oh, well: I'm into Kraft Velveeta, 
whose pleth'ra plumps both pockets of my pita.

     VII. From “Autumn Hazing”

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower,

of course, with blue-green genes, arrives quite sour.
(Good grief! Such goop grows grues'mer by the hour.)

     VIII. From “‘I's Dead!’ Zone”

It is the bes’ of times; it is the worst...

but biz be: mess with rhymes. It’s dis 'head' first --
then 'ped-', then ‘bread,' then ‘thread,' 'then wed'... (I’m curs’d!)

     IX. From “November Song”

Sing, goddess, of Achilles' ru'nous wrath:

"Cape Cod has, Luv, grown chilly: do the math!
Hull hath no heat. The Heath, however, hath."

     X. From “Gee! O. D., Dammit!”

Because I could not stop for Death, he kind-

ly does. Why should I drop what meth I find…? 
Fee, fie! My fix…? Unfound. Fuck! What a bind!

     XI. From “The Raven & the ProdiGuy”

Upon a midnight dreary, as I ponder'd,
my son -- damn kid! – right here he pass'd, unlaunder'd.
(Though Blitz'd by him before, till now, unDonder'd.)

     XII. From "Leave 'E(l)m Alone!"

Though much I've travell’d in the realms of gold,
as such, I have not trimm'd Dutch Elms this old.
(Dutch Elm Disease...? I wish I had been told.)

     XIII. From “Sunset Songs For Seniors" 

Gather rosebuds while ye may, Old Timer!
Her wrath, thou knows, is vile. Ye'd play the rhymer
but dis the Muse: indeed, ye'd nickl' ‘n' dime 'er.

     XIV. From “Same Again!”

Do not go gentle into that good night...?

You've got to, men! When gin's this flat, you're right
to've skipp’d the black and tan: pour Black & White!

     XV. From “Hughie The Hun & The Menagerie”

If you can keep your head when all about you

keep toucans, sheep, rye bread, a mawl...and shout, "Nu...?"...
(We'd thought to hear Mein Kampf from you -- you kraut, you.)

     XVI. From “A Magus Among Us”

I must go down to lonely seas again,

nor trust no clown who'll only sneeze (cayenne!) 
whilst foolin' with his foam-fill’d fountain pen.

     XVII. From “The Ballade Of Long Lizzie”*

To be or not to be: that is the quest...

Who's she…? Our hottest B-girl -- Liz: the best...! 
Cures common colds, catarrhs: she'll rub your ████ chest! 

     * One of Jack the Rippers canonical five victims. 

For more on Liz, cf. XIX. From "Wing One for the Ripper" below.

     XVIII. From “Peegiad, Canto LIX”

Onward half a league, on half a league! 

Our swans (don't laugh) intrigue. Our calf's fatigue

show'rs God's felicidad 'pon Señor Peeg.* 

     * Señor Beeg Peeg, i.e., the porcine CEO of Hogmalion.com

     XIX. From “Wing One For The Ripper”

Is this a dagger which I see before me…? 
I'll "kiss" each hag or witch, banshee or whore -- me,
vile Stride* -- with such a shiv! Who'll dare ignore me…?

     * Elizabeth, one of Jack the Ripper's canonical five victims. 
If it's true she received her nickname "Long Liz" due to her 
height, then it's likely that the appellation 'wee' should be 

heard as ironic. For more on Elizabeth, cf. XVII. From "The 

Ballad of Long Lizzie" above. 

     XX. From “Burn, Bubbeh, Burn!”

Whose woods these are I think I know. Her house (side porch),

her goods, her car (a pink Toyota) dowse, then torch 
I would sans gas. I'd burn the lot! That louse I'd scorch!

     XXI. From “Scarlett's Pimp…? Or Nell's…?”

The quality of mercy is not strain’d...

So, Doll: Let's see yer purse. Mein Gott! 'Tis stain’d...
Yer nylons...? Torn! Yer whole 'ho' mien seems pain’d!

     XXII. From “Gnutopia”

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a state

of panda, cuckoo, gnu and swan create.
(Whose pad's in Silver Spring would not relate.)

     XXIII. From “Quiet, Basquiat!”

I saw the best minds of my generation

guffaw as, bless’d with gloves (size 10) or Haitian
snuff boxes, they left my island nation.

     XXIV. From “Clothes Whores”

O do you know the muffin man…? In muf-

ti new -- behold! -- Herr Muffin pans such stuff -- 
whilst Madame Muffin just can't get enough.

     XXV. From "The Lost Letter" 

Let's go then, you and I, when evening's spread.

An O, then U 'n' I, then E. (A...? Dead!)

(When butch'ring vowels, they target first the head.)

     XXVI. From "Shangri-La-La" 

Gonna take a sentimental journey...?

At dawn on Lake Cayenne, you'll rent a gurney.

Fear not! I've got your power of attorney.

     XXVII. From "Over the Mountain" 

Be aware. Stay soft and round. Let go.

You see that bear...? They often sound just so,

this right before they gnaw your pinkie toe. 

     XXVIII. From "Beg, Borrow, Steal" 

Nothing could be finer than to be.

Doth in Woody's lines her hand you see...?

He's swipin' from your wife, I guarantee.

     XXIX. From "Escape from Fort Guano" 

Let's go then, you and I, when ev'ning's spread.

Frets...? No, friend. Do or die. Men leaving bread

must drink the water, lest they're left for dead.   

     XXX. From "Who Took the Tarts...?"

Tommy, Tom the piper's son, he stole.

His balmy Mom, she wiped for fun her foal

until his goniff's skin shone black as coal.

     XXXI. From "Cryptic" 

"Amazing Grace": how sweet the sound that saved 

the grazing space, sows' peat around my grave,

from being torn asunder in a rave.

     XXXII. From "Travels With My Ant" 

The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain.

Champaign and drain'd lo mein be inhumane.

I'll come by luge but not by choo-choo-train.

     XXXIII. From "Midsommar" 

Mary, Mary: quite contrary how

'tis very scary sighting fairies now

that Mustard Seed and Moth have bid us "Ciao!"

     XXXIV. From "Gifts To Be Simple" 

Trust neither borrower; nor lender be.

Just buy her jars of myrrh, or send her ghee:
a ghee/myrrh blend will suit her to a T.

     XXXV. From "Sides and Assides" 

There is a tide when, taken at the flood,
will kiss a side of bacon fat, M'lud,
and thus assure the court: there will be blood!

      XXXVI, From "Deity's Dos 'n' Don'ts"

I am the Lord thy God; thou shall not have

My clam before My scrod: morale would halve.

(For Gilead balm, just substitute My salve.) 

     XXXVII, From "Skin Deep" 

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day...?

You dye your hair a hue I come away

believing can't be traced to DNA.

 

     XXXVIII. From "Arms and Amin"

On either side the river lie long fields,

beneath which hide (I shiver: why...?) strong shields

and swords before which Tyrant Idi yields.

     * A suburb near Copenhagen.

     XXXIX. From "Pears Diced 'n' Toss'd" 

Of man's first disobedience the fruit

(in cans the Swiss for free dispense, to boot):

be it but sin and death...? The question's moot.

     XL. From "Be Loud, Glade!" 

I'll now arise and go to Innisfree.

But how my guys shall know I've been...? Beats me!

Perhaps if I catch hepatitis B...?

     XLI. From "Come for the Zing; Stay for the Bling" 

Tho' here's the church and here's the steeple, Op-

-rah's fear's that merch from Sears (too cheap)'ll op-

press her fans: disgruntl'd people lope.

     XLII. From "Bovines Beyond Burgess" 

I've never seen a purple cow. I hope,
if ever green or turquoise, brown, dun, taupe...
or even coal-black bovines show, I'll cope.

     XLIII. From "The Breeze and I" 

Who has seen the wind...? Nor you nor I,

nor Rooskie, Wiener, Hindu, Jew nor Chi-

nese dude. Who'd claim to have done tells a lie.

     XLIV. From "Homer's Oddity" 

Andra moi ennepe Mousa polutropon, hos-...

-teler Bond employs enemas, choosing to shoot into Ross

a solution which leaves The New Yorker's doyen "at a loss." 

  

     XLV. From "Miss Leeds Misleads" 

Drink to me, but only with thine eyes

which wink with glee. Don't moan  thy myths, thy lies;

just foist your two-faced fibs on wide-eyed guys.

     XLVI. From "Wash 'n' Scare"

I wander'd lonely as a cloud that floats

while laund'ring only jazzy loud frock coats

which animate my nonsense anecdotes.

     XLVII. From "Stars With Stripes" 

Tyger! Tyger! Tyger burning bright:

you rhyme with 'lime,' but I'm for turning right

and urging you, "Cease giving folks such fright!"

     XLVIII. 

Stop all clocks, cut off the telephone...

     XIL. 

Hail to thee, blithe spirit; bird thou weren't

     L.

The boy stood on the burning deck; his feet...