"As you haul coals to Newcastle..." The Zweisodes of Pippindar: A Nonsense Alphabet in Rhyme

A 

As you haul coals to Newcastle, 
might you, por moi, 
amass aardvarks to sell 
in Abel-Beth-Maacah? * 

    * Biblical sources mention a wise woman who dwelt there but make none of a live-animal market. 

B 

Be he t(hr)ower of babble? 
Blame (sob!) my bum habit, 
my culpa! But Barrymore's bro’s 
been a babbit!”

C 

Encore, Jorge Luis Borges! 
Cor de l'Argentine eez Jor: Heez 
cris de coeur enhances stories 
cach'd een Chechen Cacci'tores! 

D/E 

When AM added Daddy-O,* 
deft DJ, to my rahd-i-o, 
they proved: extending feelers 
yields emcees instead of spielers.
        * Chicago radio personality Holmes Daylie (1920-?) 

F 

Affairs o' the fart 
felt in far-off terrains
fetch foul redolence – and 
faintly visible stains.

G 

Giggl’ing, one Googles, 
“three gaggles o' geese,” 
crying, "Larry* and Sergey*: 
please leave me in peace!"
      * Larry Page and Sergey Brin, founders of Google 

H 

‘High-hat,’ ‘high-hand,’ ‘high-
horse,’ ‘high holy days...’ 
'high-'…HAH! (A case of 
“damn'd with tainted ‘frase’”)

I 

Invoking my μους-, I 
(no Greek) sue for news: 
“Ανδρα μαλαπολλ' εννεπα μοι…” 
It's Achilles? Nope! Showies- 
and-tellies insist Hellene 
Ilii* (Helen of Troy).
        * Genitive singular of 'Ilium.' 

J 

My menage during haj during 
Raj (just for fun) 
stanched my stutter. Of "...jej-jej...jej-
june…" all heard none.

K 

let's kill the tax on 
Nico’s Delft or Spode. 
Just kick Nic’s knickknacks' taxes 
down the road.

L 

Aboard the good ship Lollypop, all’s good. 
(Such sacch'rin smarm's the stuff of songs of Shirl's.*) 
Let's, suckers, cease! Let's stop all Sucker Suck-Ins! 
Such sucking leaves obese, balloon-like girls.
     * Shirley Temple

M/N 

Your pharaoh dies, befriends my goat -- 
the pair grows fairly chummy. 
Then Nurse and Mommy make a film: 
"The Nanny Meeps The Mummy."

O 

The Fool shall not 
for Mongoose vouch, 
but Cobra choose? 
That's odd. that's...OUCH!

P 

Pollute Pa's porridge?
Prime Pop's pot? 
Please stop! Put in plu- 
'pepper'...not! 

Q: Go west? Not if you know what's m-m-m, m-m-m, good for you. 

Quick! Go east on that 
Qarghaliq-Qaraqum Trail!* 
Get fair Bar-B-Q'd Coq...
and good Bar-B-Q'd Quail.
     * The direction travelled (ENE, roughly) between two Chinese cuisine hotspots.

R 

I.S.O. route 
or ring road warrior? 
Best request 
the Brothers Boyer!* 
        * S. James, 9, and A. Zane, 7 1/2 (ages, not jackboot sizes)

S 

All at sea in Seas Sargasso, 
sailors may request a lasso. 
Sassafras's gas shall pass, 
but schlusselfiedels?* "Such a ass!" **
       * Kinds of hurdy-gurdy     **Pace, Mr. Dickens.

T 

Kitt's kit? That pattern’s 
known as tattersall. 
But I’ve left torn 
these knit togs -- tatters, all.

U: 'Uacuus'? Ablative singular for something, surely. 

I'd figured I'd bagged me 
a gnu, up until 
I'd looked under the fur 
and found you, Uncle Phil!

V 

"Vav-vav-...vav...a vav-...va-v-...vavoom!" 
We hear this stutter! But from whom? 
It’s Dr. D-cup, I presume -- 
she of the fabulous ba-zoom.

W: Perhaps the window washer did it. 

Who? 'Twas Woodrow Wilson's widow. 

Where? Near Wicklow West. What? Dead.

When? The clues suggested Wednesday. 
Whew! (We won't ask, "Why?") How? Bled. 

X 

Mix xanthoma with rosacea: 
the resulting skin disease 
is what -- when six xiphopagi repaint 
the xerox room -- one sees.

Y 

To marry your mother 
so many years back? 
My mistake (don't talk back!): 
blame my yackety yak!

Z 

They sang "Zizzi-zizzi-...!" yesterday 
and "...boom-boom-aay!" today. 
What shall zyzzogetons* sing tomorrow? 
None but they can say.
        * The very last word -- in South American leaf hoppers and in my pocket dictionary.

"All starts in a beginner space..." Space Flight or Go In and Out the Universe: Hommage a SciFri's Ira Flatow

All starts in a beginner space, a single, not a twinner space, 

whiz-physicists call inner space -- as volumes go, a thinner space --
where bosons swirl: a spinner space (and, all in all, a winner space) 
which swells from just a sprouter space into a wider, stouter space -- 
as lightscapes go, a louder space and, for my dough, a prouder space --
wry scientists call outer space, which leaves scant room for doubter space.

"Neither Alvins named Ailey nor Babas call'd Ali..." The Tin Pan Alleyphabet: A Nonsense ABC in Rhyme

Neither Alvins named Ailey nor Babas call’d Ali
got collar’d at "Occupy Gasoline Alley."

No -kissangel, Bally-; no Rumpole de Bailey. 
No Women's Wear Daily; no raised dots :(too Brailley).
No "Serpent! From hence shalt thou crawl on thy belly."
No sesame bialy, no Sam's "Wooly Bully,"
no Elliot, Billy, no brews news "-corn, Barley-." 
(That brief Melvin Belli’s okay -- but just barely).
Bann'd: Brahmins from Bollywood bruising Brad's brolly 
while filming Brad brawling in ballrooms on Bali.

Caught: Lassie, a Collie, cavorting in ceilidh 
while wildcatting coke for a cartel called Cali.

Deploy’d at Da's Deli, in drag: "Hello, Dolly,"
one debuting daughters of Salvador Dali.

Elle's Christmas equale, penn’d especiale,
in Ely was pann’d as "a tad Emmental-y."

Fat, fatuous Frawley erected a folly
wherein he philander'd – folks felt fairly freely --
until he f**k'd Fifi, one fleet femme fatale.

"Game goalie -- no ghoul, he -- vaults, gaily, a gully..."
or so reads this galley proof. (What? A spoof? Golly!)

His comet, called Halley, flies frequent as hail; he*
just knells his noëls hailing IVs and Holly. 
Her Berryness (Hallé), our Holy of Holies,
defiled on her Harley. (Heard howl'd: "-leuia! Halle-.")

Allama Iqbal: he ingests his iced lolly
then misinflects 'Italy' (terms it 'I-tal-y').

Joined: Fisher (Joely) with wa-a-a-ay too much jelly.
She (formerly scrawny) grows brawny -- though jolly.

Kiss one: [] goddess Kali; [] Kristyna Kashvili;
[] the Senate's "-son, Hutchi-" aka Kay Bailey.

La Langtry's a Lily and Eli's a Lily
and Allen and Tomlin -- each lovely, both Lilys.
But Lorelei Lee, though not lowly, 'sno Lily,
and buds just won't bud for Jean-Baptiste de Lully.

Mrs. Bloom's christen'd Molly, Ms. Meg's a Mulally,
whilst Earhart's called 'Meeley' -- or 'Millie' (or 'Mellie').

Nell Bly is dressed nattily, as is Naphtali.
Undressed: Censorinus (de die Natali).*
     * Infamous, of course, for composing in his 'birthday suit.' 

One dragon called Ollie. One Taitz known as Orly:
once tethered together, our true 'two and only.'

Pass the pralines to Pauly! Punt pretzels to Pele!
But, soft! Here's a U-turn: some cracker wants Polly!

What sort (...qualis, quali...) be Great-uncle Quigley
to level at Neville his poisonous quill, eh?

"Retreat? Never! Rally!" rants Wall Street cop Raleigh.
"Those kids were unruly!" (Still...leper spray? Really?)

See Sally. Run, Sally! Run, silly Svengali!
(They once jogged with others, but now they sprint soli.)

This thirteenth timbale near trebles our tally.
Let's meet in St. Louis (clang-clang goes our trolley).

Ulysses (called Uly) blows hot ukulele.
His riffs and routines are esteemed -- not unduly.

Vern heard ‘cross the valley a thunderous volley:
applause from Volturno but boos from Vercelli.

Where's Wonka-ther-Willy? Where's Monte-ther-Woolley?
Where's Cleaver-ther-Wally? Died -- doin'-the'r-Wheelie.* 
     * A quartet of hommages a Edward Bear aka Winnie-ther-Pooh.

X fields 'Xiphoidally; Y yields '"Yardboid"ally.'*
Z? 'Tis for 'Zigmund' (though not Zigmundfreudally).
     * In the manner (though not in the Kansas City accent) of saxophonist Charlie Parker 

A Little Night Porter or Was It Just One of Those Things? Abecedarially Arranged Arrays of Alternative A Sections in Rhyme

(Ignoring all but the opening eight bars of Cole Porter's AABA song form "Just One of Those Things," shift moods from indicative to interrogative. Then ask the musical question -- indeed, ask a whole slough of 'em -- using any or all of a baker's dozen of the alternate A sections arrayed below.) 

(A/B)    Was it 
just one of those things?
Just one of those almond rings?
One "boo-boo”’d blues of baritone Bing's?*
just one of those things? 
     * Crooner Crosby

(C/D)    Was it 
just one of those things?
Just one of those static clings? 
One of Sinatra’s "ring-a-ding-ding"s? 
Just one of those things?

(E/F)    Was it 
just one of those things?
Just one of Stowe's evenings,*
One of those fibs that frickin' Drumpf flings?
Just some of those things.
    * Moonlight in Vermont

(G/H)   Was it 
just some of those things? 
Just one of Joe's* GOP swings? 
One of those hankies "Hawkins Falls"** wrings? 
Just one of those things. 
      * The Plumber Guy  
      ** The vintage TV soap opera

(I/J)    Was it
just some of those things?
Just one I like -- Gipsy Kings --
one who froze juleps 'n' Singapore Slings: 
"Jus' summa doze t'ings"?

(K/L)    Was it 
just one of those things? 
Just one which Kabibble (Ish) swings?*
One of those lays lauding lemonade springs?**
Just one of those things? 
      * Ish Kabbible was a cornet player with Kay Kyser's band 
      ** The Big Rock Candy Mountain

(M/N)   Was it 
just some of those things?
Just one of Mars’s merciless Mings? 
One of those neon nights of Beijing's? 
Just one of those things? 

(O/P)   Was it 
just one of those things?
Just one of O's (Oprah's) blings? 
One of Paterno's pornography rings? 
Just one of those things?

(Q/R)     Was it 
just one of those things? 
Just one of those queer-quizzin' stings?*
One of those riffs -- "It don't mean a thing"s?** 
Just one of those things? 
       * The Stonewall Inn  
      ** Duke Ellington

(S/T)    Was it 
just one of those things? 
Just one of those songs Sting sings? 
One of those tangs like Buffalo wings? 
Just some of those things?

(U/V)   Was it
just one of those things?
Just uno...dos...underlings?
One of those peerless portrayals of Ving's?**
Just one of those things? 
      ** Cf Ving Rhames.

(W/X)   Was it 
just one of those things?
Just one of those warm'd wax'd wings?*
One of those Xs censorship brings? 
Just one of those things? 
      * The fatal flight of Icarus.

(Y/Z)     Was it
just one of those things?
just one of Ma's (Yoyo's) strings? 
One of those songs with "Zing...zizzy...zing..."s?*
Just oneof those things? 
      * "Italian Street Song" from Naughty Marietta.

     Yes, it was great fun...but was it 
just one of those things? 

"Row, row, row your boat..." 'Merrily' Varia: A Nonsense Alphabet

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream.

Airily, airily, airily, airily. Life’s not academe. 
Berraly, Berraly, Berraly, Berraly. Life backs Yogi's team.
Charily, charily, charily, charily. Life’s a chancy scheme.
Dairyly, dairyly, dairyly, dairyly. Life’s like clotted cream.
Errorly, errorly, errorly, errorly. Life’s a fool’s gold seam. 
Farrahly, Farrahly, Farrahly, Farrahly. Life’s a Fawcett theme.
Garishly, garishly, garishly, garishly. Life’s a color scheme.
Hairily, hairily, hairily, hairily. Life’s a hirsute meme.
“I’m barely...,” “I’m barely…,” “I’m barely…,” “I’m barely…” Life? Adrift midstream. 
Jaredly, Jaredly, Jaredly, Jaredly. Life will Kushner ream.  
Karefully, karefully, karefully, karefully. Life misspells, ‘twould seem. 
Larryly, Larryly, Larryly, Larryly. Life’s with Fines a-teem.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life’s but Buddha’s dream.
Narrowly, narrowly, narrowly, narrowly. Life’s a gutter seam.
Oily, oily, oily, oily. Life is shaving cream. 
Perilly, perilly, perilly, perilly. Life’s a risk extreme. 
Quarrelly, quarrelly, quarrelly, quarrelly. Life's a combat team.
Rarely, rarely, rarely, rarely. Life don't often gleam.
Scarily, scarily, scarily, scarily: life’s a bloody scream.
Taraly, Taraly, Taraly, Taraly. Life's "Gone With..." passim.
Unnecessarily, unnecessarily. Life’s a Drumpf regime.
“Very unfairly,” “Very unfairly.” Life treats Donald’s team.
Warily, warily, warily, warily. Life's a balance beam.
X-ily, Y-ily, Z-ily: Easily, life is weird, I'd deem.

"Take note: what's Potus fear the most...? An Open Letter to Drumpf or Events, My Dear...Events

(Though in fact never uttered by him, “Events, my dear boy, events” was UK PM Harold McMillan’s reported response when asked what would most likely blow his or any government off course.)  

Take note: what's Potus fear the most?
Misdeeds by dissidents?
Nope! Let's be clear: Drumpf’s greatest fear? 
Events, my dear...events. 
Need Drumpf beware the Koch-choked air
petroleum augments?
You heard it here: Drumpf’s greatest fear?
Events, my dear...events.

Apologize does Drumpf for lies,
for fake news he invents?
Nope! What's Drumpf do when day is through?
He vents! Mon Dieu: he vents: 
"So sad" (Drumpf says) “are Congress's
advises and consents."
Far worse than they? Drumpf’s feet of clay:
Events, okay? Events. 

Be Donald's bane some coup de main 
by ISIS malcontents?
Though bad, by fa-a-ar more fearful are
events, Akbar...events. 
What scares the pants off Donald? Rants
by former presidents?
Nope! Worse than those, Drumpf duly knows:
events, my bros...events.

What fans Drumpf’s fright 'round three at night?
The ninety-nine percents?
Them he can bear. More feared are their
events, mon freres...events. 
So: what must you do to undo
the trouble Drumpf foments?
This message send when you attend
events, my friend, events! 

The Message: 

Till Drumpf vamooses or relents, 
support all anti-Drumpf events!  

"Spent a snootiful day in the NATOhood..." The Artful Dodger's Stumping (sic) Grounds or Post-Summit Ally Quest: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Spent a snootiful day in the NATOhood.
But I moot just with allies who’re great…so: could
Jong Un be mine?
(A goon? Nein! Nein!)

As my high jinks dehydrate the North Atlant-,
shall with Turks I empartner? Merks won't -- or can’t --
fall into line.
(Pal Pu’d be fine.)

We've not a thing to fear 
from Kim or Vladimir.
I’ve plumbed their eyes: each guy’s “so-o-o-o nize,” 
insisting he’s sincere.

Always “booty”ful, looting one’s neighbor’s ‘hood.
Trading treaties won’t do. Rattling sabers should.
So: Kim! So: Vlad! Emerge a lad!
And say you’ll be my neighbor!


Explication: 

Artful Dodger: a Dickens character, the Dodger leads a gang of child criminals
Snooty: showing arrogance or contempt
Moot: to raise a subject for discussion
North Atlant-: short for North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO to you) 
Turks: Turkey's president Erdogan. dictator. and his like-minded cronies 
Merks: German chancellor Angela Merkel, democratic leader
Pu: Russian president Vladimir Putin, autocratic dictator
Kim: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, autocratic dictator
Plumb: to measure the depth of
"Booty"ful: profitable, especially in ill-gotten gains
Saber rattling: war mongering; the display of military force
Emerge a lad!: Be a guy! Be a pal!   

"Each night I sleep for days on end..." Doggerels (a Baker's Dozen and a Doublet), Many with Titles Debuting in D: Nonsense in Rhyme

A Dozing Doggerel

Each night I sleep for days on end;
through Friday, Thursday, Wednesday wend.
A "sunth o' Mondays," so to speak.
(I lose, through snooze, eight days a week!)

A Doppleganger Doggerel 

His all-so-readily vaunted analysis
is also Red, Ellie, Vaughn, Ted ‘n’ Alices. 


A Deli Doggerel

Said the latke to the latchkey, 
“I suspect those lox are salty.”
Said the latchkey to the latke, 
“Do not fret! These locks aren’t faulty.”


A Dog-Eat Doggerel

The Old Guard shuns Progressives.
(At shaming they are deft.)
Progressives curse the Right Wing.
The Right Wing loathes The Left. 

The Left detests the Moonies.
The Moonies hate the Jews.
The Jews despise the Sunnis.
The Sunnis dis the Druze.

The Druze -- plus all of the above
are sick to death of ISUL.
What’s more: as far as I can tell,
it’s ditto, versa visul.


A Doody Doggerel

What links Buffalo's "Say, kids! What 
time is it...?" crack
and the unmuzzl'd clown's "Goodbye, 
kids..." [fade to black]
has poor peanuts -- each juvenile 
Jilly and Jack --
pleading, "Ple-e-e-ease! Can we have our last 
thirteen years back?"


A Dogpatch Doggerel

Duple d's display Moonbeam's de-
lusional daydreams.
Still fine, Ms. McSwine ain't re-
lyin' on face creams.


A Dog-Tag Doggerel

Their tags? They wear 'em next their hearts,
nor's none so brave as Pvt. Paartz.

Save those whom Paartz in harm's way sent:
I speak of Cpl. Punnisch-Mehnt.

Or him who wields the swagger stick:
I give you Sgt. Sfleeantic.

Or him, that master of intrigue:
say "Roger that!" to Maj. Leeg.

Or him to whom's allegiance sworn: 
presenting Col. "Pop" Inkhorn.

Or him who prowls the quarterdeck: 
I mean Cdr. Dee Sreespeck.

Or him who signs those dread-fill'd orders: 
introducing Gen. Kwarders.

What's their game? It’s "Pass the Buck." 
You've re-enlisted? What the fuck!


A Dame Doggerel

Not unpleasant to know: Lady Florence.*
A new flick** Flo's fame's quickly enhancing.
From her throat soar sour notes tot'ling torrents, 
sung to scores spoofing sores someone's lancing.
She'd outgrabe*** e'en Arabian Lawrence. 
(Apropos, this film shows Hugh Grant dancing!)
"I did sing," sighs the fly Lady Florence,
"even tho' doubters crow how I can't sing."****
     * Florence Foster Jenkins was a famously awful soprano.

     ** "Florence Foster Jenkins" is a recent film featuring Meryl Streep in the title role.
     *** To outgribe (past tense: outgrabe) is to emit a strange noise, or so insists Lewis Carroll.
     **** A remark Lady Florence is said to have made near the end of her life.


A Salty Doggerel 

Said the porpoise to the dolphin,
"Hello, sailor: Come here olphin?"
"Don't be snide," replied the porpoise.
"What's your schtick? Delicti corpoise?"

Said the porpoise to the dolphin,
"What's with you? No prick and all phin?"
Said the dolphin to the porpoise,
"Tunes you croon won't soon absorb oise."


A Quick Brown Fox And A Lazy Doggerel

Who'll dare predict? An auger’ill 
(or, as herein, a blogger'll):
"A quick fox and a jogger’ill 
jump o'er a lazy doggerel."


An Attack Doggerel

"And once more, dear friends, unto the breach!" 
(Holy cow: how Hal* handled that speech!) 
"Go!" "Geronimo!" "Charge!" 
"Ho!" "Remember the Sarge!"**
(Alvin York agrees: "War bes "a beetch"!) 
     * Henry V in Shakespeare's entertainment of the same name. 
     **Ala "Remember the Alamo!", "...the Maine!" and "...the Titans!" 


A Bird Doggerel 

Shuffle those cardinals! Scramble those egrets! 
Quick: pick a parakeet! (“Tweet!”)
Honor thy godwit and color your heron! 
Then crack me a nuthatch! (Dutch treat!)

Lower your orioles! Take a few puffins! 
Braid up that raven...!* (How sweet!)
Then bowl me a sparrow and gulp down a swallow!
(And lather and rinse and repeat!)
     * An alternate version of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Braid the Raven Hair."


A Wiener Doggerel 

I ain't tryin' to sell ya; I ain't no schlemiel.
Still, I've seen 'er, I tell ya: the wienermobile.
Made with...? Nope, not lean beef, juicy pork, tender veal,
but with orange and yellow vanadium steel.

Painted yellow and orange (not turquiose or teal:
teal and turquoise ain't tints folks think go with a meal);
yet what wouldn't I give to grab hold of her wheel
and go peelin' 'cross country! How cool would that feel!


A Daydream Doggerel

Some dreams of thee 
seethe themes of brie:
each teeming, see,
with cream...or ghee.

Some dreams foresee
extremes of glee:
No screams; no plea;
no Neame's* ennui. 

     * Director Ronald, responsible for 
"The Man Who Never Was" and other films.

Some? "Beams"* Deri-
da deems 'em. Oui!
Their schemes? P.C.**
(Psych teams agree.) 

     * "Emitters of light," insists French 
deconstructionist Jacques.  

    ** Psychopolitically correct if a tad 
Pollyannaesque

Some dreams of thee,
it seems to me,
from streams* are free. 
Be memes their key? 

     * I.e., stream(s) of consciousness

A Druthers Doggerel

Twins Cellobash and Callabone
has each a different mother!

Both be, if't please, anomalies:
i.e., not t'other's brother.

By each, in fact, each’d be attacked 
with speech -- lacked each his druther.*

     * That druther being, in the case of both brothers, to attack his respective, if disrespectful, "alter egg" with whatever larkspur limb or lapis-lazuli'd lodestone might come readily to hand.