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Sunday, August 1, 2021

"Whose W**ds..." (Faux Frost) (Unpub)

Poet Frost ‘neath snowy trees:
      “Whose woods these are I think I know…”
Belgian ales go swell with cheese:
     “Whose worts…? These are, I think, Hainault’s.”

Aleppo’s ethnic music shop:
     “Whose ouds these are I’d plink, not blow.”
In Filene’s basement, one more flop:
     “Whose goods are these…? Light pink must go!”

Whose widows these, their hubs laid low...?
Whose windows these...? Such grand tableau!
Whose weeds are these...? They need a mow.
Whose wads these are be short o' dough! 
 
From Golgotha, due east of town:
     “Whose roods are these…? They’re zinc, yet glow.”
From people who be black ‘n’ brown:
     “Whose ‘hoods be dese…? Dey stink, ma bro!”
This scribe for color’d Pentels fights:
     “Whose words are these…? Black ink’s de trop.”
Ms. Martha from Mount Vernon writes:
     “Whose wooden teeth… Abe Lincoln’s…? No!”
 
From telling tales, Milne never rests:
     “Roo’s moods bizarre my shrink I’ll show.”
Some Brits engage in kitchen tests:
     “Whose pudds, these…? Dare I lick the bowl…?”
Gone’s Sigmund’s objectivity:
     “Whose moods, these…? Arch ‘n’ kinky, no…?”
French days wax warm. Who’s thirsty…? Me.”
     “Whose food bars, these…? I’d drink iced eau.”
 
Though blue’s okay, I’m not a fan:
     “Whose woads are these…? Like [wink] nice, though.”
Best dim sum…? Ask that Asian man:
     "Whose food bar, this...? Might “chink eye” know...?"
The lives of insects rudely toss’d:
      “How’d you harm bees…? I’d pink eye sow.”
Augusta’s pro shop -- once more, Frost:
     "Whose woods these are I think I know..."
 
 In Rome, what Latin slavers muse:
      "Who’d Caesar eye...? “D’ya think I’d know...?"
A phrase Shakespeare’s Macbeth might use:
     "Whose woods’ trees are a-slinkin’ now…?"
Say DC’s psychiatric docs:
     "Whose wardens...? These let Hinkley go."
One winter Palace comrade mocks:
     "Who’d wound this Tsar...? Treblinkans…? Wow!”
 
In wilderness what Gawain sighs:
     "Wodewoses for aye stink, I trow."
Zamboni backup tactic eyes:
     "Would kudzu freeze ice rinks...? Why, no."
When buying clothes, are men not fools…?
     "Whose snoods are these -- like mink (but faux)...?"
When penning verse, finesse your tools:
     "Use good thesauri: ‘drink.’ (Why ‘eau’…?)”  

Feghoot'nanny (Past)

Is the Arts and Entertainment critic of The Baltimore Sun 
who pronounces my new gallery show an abject failure 
without first obtaining a complete schnozful simply 
a "Dis Stinks, Hon!" without a Whifference...?

Friday, July 30, 2021

Señor WhenceThis? (Unpub)

Señor Wences had his Johnny;
MAGAMondo’s mad for Donnie.
Johnny's fit with mop-like hair.
Donnie…? Ditto dons Don there.
 
Johnny’s face was Señor’s hand.
Donnie’s hands are small, though tann’d.
Johnny’s face was painted on.
Donnie’s..? Orange spray’d upon.
 
Wences gave a tongue to Johnny.
Twitter threads were strung by Donnie.
Johnny’s “Deefeecult for me”
match’d Donnie’s “I build walls…for free!”
 
Johnny was a manikin,
as be Donnie...an’ his kin.
Sans Señor, Johnny's sans a head.
So: what's with Donnie…? I blame Fred.




Thursday, July 29, 2021

Guys, Gals & Gigs II (Unpub)

Colm E. ("Ish") Mayell 
Herman Melville Biographer

Rachel Eniqua-Liddy: 
NAACP Recording Secretary

Howard E. Weiffenkitz: 
Life Insurance Salesman 

Rhys Espy-Zess: 
Confections Distributor 

Hope Springzy-Ternal
UN Peace Negotiator 

Get 'Im! (Unpub)

Assassinate ‘im! Bump ‘im off!
Crucify ‘im! (Who would scoff…?)
 
Drown ‘im – deep down! Eighty-six ‘im!
(Finishin’ ‘im off will fix ‘im.)
 
Guillotine ‘im! Hang ‘im high!
Immolate the frickin’ guy!
 
Jettison ‘im down the loo!
Knock ‘im off! (Like, lynch ‘im…nu…?)
 
Massacre ‘im! Neutralize ‘im!
Off ‘im! (Dyin’ might surprise ‘im.)
 
Polish off his dumb ass -- do!
Quarter ‘im! (Then draw ‘im, too!)
 
Rub ‘im right out!. Strangulate ‘im!
(Breathes he still…? Quck: terminate ‘im!)
 
Lives he still…? At least unfriend ‘im!
Vaporize ‘im! (In short, end ‘im!)
 
Whack ‘im! (E)xecute his ass!
Yank his breathing tube: he’ll pass.
 
Zap ‘im three times! Zap ‘im good!
Feeling great…? I knew you would.

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

GashlyPunn'd Obits (Unpub)

     A...? Aloysius who sleeps with the fysius.
A's also for Alfie snuff’d snappin' a salfie. 
     B is for Boris who fell off his horris.
B's also for Bob; he ate tainted kohlrobby. 
     C is for Carla dispatch’d in her parla.' 
C's also for Clyde; 'twas a pact suicyde. 
     D is for David who fail’d to get savid.
D's also for Dale brain’d with golf-ball-sized hale. 
     E is for Evelyn pierc’d by a jevelyn,
and for Elise fin'lly resting in pise. 
     F is for Faust forced to "give up the gaust." 
F is also for Frank – heard the Fat Lady sank. 
     G is for George who ate poisonous porr'ge, 
G is also for Gidget whose body turn’d fridget.
     H is for Harry whose corpse we must barry, 
G's also for Henry who perish’d in pen'ry.
     I's for Ignatius; that cyst prov’d sebatius.
I's also for Ida who’s bit by a spida.
     J is for Jim (surgeons sliced off a lim),
J is also for Judas drown'd in the Bermudas. 
     K is for Keith who waxed wa-a-ay too obeith.
K is also for Keyser who suffer’d a seysier. 
     L is for Lance overrun by red ance, 
L is also for Linda who burn’d to a cinda.
     M is for Modred who ask’d, "Is this loadred...?" 
M’s also for Morris; the levee proved porris.
     N is for Ned; no one knew he was ded.
O is also for Oliver; shot (a revoliver). 
     P's for Pandora who hang’d -- oh, the horra! 
Q's also for Quinn; too much tonicless dginn. 
     R is for Ron who was quarter’d and dron.
S...? For Samantha; thought pills were the antha. 
     T is for Tom; bought a gun; bought the fom. 
U ith altho for Uther, who'th alwayth a luther.
     V is for Victor; dead! (Obiter dictor.)
W…? Wayne who’s most savagely slayne. 
     X is for Xavier; jail’d (bad behavier). 
Y is for Yves; gone...nor's no one who'll gryves.
     Z is for Zeke; just another turn’d cheke.

Foreman's Favorite 'For's (Unpub)

     Foreman’s Favorite...

...Anatomical opening…? 

The forAmen. 

...business rag…? 

ForBes. 

...clamp…? 

The forCeps. 

...duply named author…? 

ForD Madox ForD. 

...eternity…? 

ForEver. 

...form of confiscation…? 

The forFeiture. 

...gas hearth…?

The forGe. 

...heartland organization…? 

The 4-H Club.  

...infinite periodic function…? 

The FourIer series. 

...jungle-juice-induced poetry…? 

Charles Bukowski's "For Jane." 

...kitchen utensil…? 

The forK. 

...lively Italian folk dance…? 

The forLane.

...melamine resin…? 

ForMaldehyde.

...New Testament idee fixe…? 

ForNication. 

...optimal opportunity for microeconomic investment…? 

ForOmic. 

...penal institution…? 

The for-Profit prison. 

...quaint typeface…? 

The ForQue font. 

...retarded movie icon…? 

ForRest Gump. 

...San Francisco anti-circumcision ban advocate…? 

ForeSkin Man.

...torrential rain record…? 

ForTy days.

...uber venue for ancient Roman public life…? 

The ForUm Romanum.

...verbal pronunciation web address…?

ForVo.com.

...WWI adage hung on wall of Anglo-American Supply Depot…? 

"For Want of a Nail..."

...xigduo component for treating type-2 diabetes…? 

ForXiga.

...YouTube performance by Otis Redding…?

"For Your Precious Love."

...Zulian- (Renzo) and Zajick- (Dolora) performed opera…? 

La forZa del destino.

Last Things (Unpub)

The Last Action Hero. The Last Boy Scout…? Fine!
The Last Chance Saloon and the Last Duchess -- mine!
Last Exit. (Which one, then…? To Brooklyn….? Nice ‘hood!
The Last measure (full) of devotion. Much blood!
 
The Last Gasp. The Last House. Locale…? On the Left.
The Last Ice Age. Last Judgement. Pray it be deft!
The Last King of Scotland.  Last Leaf.  Last Mohican.
Last Name. Last Of Sheila. Hey, watch it! No peekin’!
 
The Last Picture Show. The Last Quarter. Last Rites.
The Last Supper, about which St. Mark's good book writes.
Last Tango. Iin Halifax…? No…? Perhaps Paris…?
Last Unicorn. Mythical beasts…? Oh, please, spare us!
 
Las’ Vegas (?) Your Last Will and Testament. Gosh!
The Last eXorcism, one heaven-sent…? Bosh!
Last Year at Marienbad…? So-o-o, so-o-o-o-o long.
The Last Zulu. Done are we…? Or am I wrong…?

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Even Odder Couples (Unpub)

Ara and Demarco book a 
bedsit B&B:
     "…just digs for 
research and development," dis-
closes Ar ‘n’ Dee.
 
Beauregard and Arabelle, tran-
scend this loveless era,
     and suc-
cumb to Cupid's darts ‘n’ shafts, be-
coming Beau ‘n’ Ara.
 
     Cal-
lista and her Derwood were in-
vitees. (We say 'were
     because both
fail’d to show -- or did we fail to 
check our Cal ‘n’ Der…?)
 
Deborah and Aaron, one so-
phisticated pair,
     are known by
other debonaire young things as 
"raw-ther...Deb ‘n’ Aar."
 
Ebenezer flips for Florence. 
Fickle Florence, though,
     runs hot and
cold. Such indecisive lovers! 
Call 'em 'Eb ‘n’ Flo.'
 
Frieda pulls, with Ethan Zane, some 
stunts which leave us queasy.
     They’re so
breezy – “c'est la vie”zy. Oh, so 
free be Frie ‘n’ E.Z.!
 
     Grin-
elda and Barretto keep a 
bird. Repeats this parrot,
     "I'll de-
file thy domicile." (Just grin 'n' 
bear it, Grin ‘n’ Barrett'!)
 
Hamnet, a polygamist, weds 
twice. (Both brides prove nags.
    And, oddly,
both were christen'd 'Agatha.') Meet 
(don't eat!): Ham ‘n’ Ags.
 
Wendell's pledg’d, "I'd bed Iphige-
nia." Ah, but then, 
     Iph vows, "That's
only if ‘n’ when we've said 'I 
do!'...as Iph ‘n’ Wen."
 
Justin and Tymothea were 
decades past their prime.
     The knot they
tied. Then up 'n' died. (The two be-
came one: Just ‘n’ Tyme.)
 
Kahtia weds Pickering, but 
soft...our plot grows thicker.
     'Tain’t no
joke! A baby bloke is born -- a 
little Kaht' ‘n’ Picker.'
 
     To
Lemuel and Adrienne, two 
drys, our toast is made.
     "Charge your
flutes, good friends, with lemonade. All 
fill’d...? To Lem ‘n’ Ade!"
 
Morris and Ramona: how their 
ardors overflow!
     "I love you,
Mo!" "I love you, 'Mo'!" (Love mo' 'n' 
mo' do Mo ‘n’ 'Mo'.)
 
Nehemiah and Tonette their 
calisthenics know:
     "Hey, Neh'! Hey,
To'e! Please do that one call’d 'Head 'n' 
shoulder, knee 'n' toe'!"
 
Booker idolizes Oprah...
sinker, line 'n' hook!
     We trust Ms.
Oprah feels the same. They read just 
like an Ope ‘n’ Book.
 
Phillip and d'Blanca's hope to 
win the sweepstakes sank
     because that
pair, Phil ‘n’ d'Blanc', forgot to -- 
first! -- "fill in de blank!"
 
Qisma and Telemachus: their 
book is selling well.
     Its title...?
"Life Among the Gays: a kiss 'n' 
tell by Qis ‘n’ Tel."
 
     'Tis
Rodney versus Helen: neither 
wishes t'other well. 
     Say Rod and
Helen (as do Hel and Rod): "Your 
ass can rot in hell!"
 
Samuel and Rose, raw fish a-
ficionados, know;
     one serves wa-
sabi with one's salmon roe. "Ban-
zai!" shout Sam ‘n’ Ro.
 
     I question’d
Ahmet Ree and Trigve: "What be 
'2ab cos C'...?"
     "Why, that's just
simple trigonometry," said 
Trig ‘n’ Ahmet Ree!
 
"Upton and his Atamantha," 
notes our latest datum, 
     "both have
chosen to keep dozin.'" Up 'n' 
at 'em, Up' ‘n’ Atam'!
 
Vergil and his Bertha, in dis-
cussing virgin birth,
      have now be-
come conception experts and are 
known as Virg ‘n’ Berth.
 
Watson questions Helen “Wazzup, 
Helen…? What in hell...?”
     Which leads the
people overhearing ‘em to 
call ‘em Wat ‘n’ Hel.
 
Grace’s love for Xavier proves 
such a saving grace.
     You’re all in-
vited to the wedding…compli-
ments of Xav' ‘n’ Grace.
 
Yasser and Ms. Deedee, yokels, 
holler “Yass, indeed!"  
     Or, as their
matching tattoos broadcast to the 
county: “Yas’ ‘n’ Deed.’’”
 
     The-
resa said to Zedediah, 
"I wouldst have 'em bury
     us as
one: "Here lies the ver-r-r-ry seden-
tary Zed' ‘n’ Terri."

Hear the Word (Unpub)

Marroz pone's connected to my...butter’d scone; 
my butter’d scone's connected to my...Cotes du Rhone;
my Cotes-du-Rhone's connected to my...drop zone;
my drop zone's connected to my...Eten phone;
my Eten phone's connected to my...fretful groan;
my fretful groan's connected to my..."grow-your-own!"; 
my "grow-your-own"'s connected to my..."Home Alone";
my "Home Alone"'s connected to my...intel (blown);
my intel’s connected to my...Jonas Cohn;
my Jonas Cohn's connected to my...Khmer-Mon;
my Khmer-Mon's connected to my...loathsome crone;
my loathsome crone's connected to my...men's room throne;
my men's room throne's connected to my...nose cone;
my nose cone's connected to my...oat (wild, sown);
my oat (wild, sown)'s connected to my...posture (prone);
my posture (prone)'s connected to my...Quicken Loan;
my Quicken Loan's connected to my...robot drone;
my robot drone's connected to my..."Saint Joan";
my "Saint Joan"'s connected to my...Torrid Zone;
my Torrid Zone's connected to my...undertone;
my undertone's connected to my...varnish roan;
my varnish roan's connected to my...Wingy Manone;
my Wingy is connected to my...xylophone;
my xylophone's connected to my...yawning drone;
my yawning drone's connected to my...zits (not shown)...
NOW I’m hearing the word of the Lord!   

Monday, July 26, 2021

Endorsements & Endorsers: Cheeze Louize (Unpub)

"Like ambergris," attests Aziz,* "it tweaks the “chic” in Cheeze Louize!"
 
   * Iraqi politico Tariq
 
Bea's* Bichon Frise won't bark for bries. Its choice of chow’s now Cheeze Louize!
 
     * Comedienne Lillie
 
Note comic Cleese:* both John's chemise and dungarees hide Cheeze Louize!
 
     * Python John 
 
“What drubs disease and dread DTs…? And housemaid's knees…?" asks DeLuise.*
 
     * Part of Dom’s endorsement

 King Presley’s pleas: “I’ve expertise with -Js (PB-s) plus Cheeze Louize!”*
 
      * Pop King Elvis
 
“Rededicated…? ‘Fur Elise’ -- and symphonies -- to Cheeze Louize.”*
    
     * Composer von Beethoven
 
“Insurrections…? GOP's. Them Democrats vote ‘Cheeze Louize.’”*
 
     * Speaker Pelosi
 
“Who s not heartless heart disease embraces tasty Cheeze Louize.”*
 
    * Cleveland cardiologist E. Blume
 
“When Xmas finds you ill at ease, humg stockings fill with Cheeze Louize.”*
 
     * Mrs. Claus.
 
“They’ve sushi flom us Japanese. Oul gift to U.S.…? Cheeze Rouize.”*

     * Ambassador Sugiyama
 
“To burnish bright Kay Kyser's Keys, I wax ‘em well with Cheeze Louize.”*
 
     * Cornetist/factotum Kabibble  
 
“To head off deadly Lyme disease, mix juice of lime with Cheeze Louize.”*
 
     * Dr. Fauci
 
“Mac ’n’... (not ‘whatever’!) Jeez! Non sine qua…? That’s Cheeze Louize.”
 
     * Chef Pepin
 
“Best Saltine Spread: the nominees…? Aioli…zhug…and Cheeze Louize.”
 
     * Emcee Parks  
 
“No Drumpfster sees it overseas while I am POTUS.”* (Cheeze Louize!)
 
     * Loser Drumpf
         
“No ardent pleas. No ‘pretty please,’" pens P. De Vries. "More Cheeze Louize!”*

     * Author Peter

"A thair of prees, my kneen bee's quees, each pair prepared with in Leeze Chouize."*

     * Rev. Spooner

Three referees; one disagrees: "Don't rear trainees with Cheeze Louize."*

     * Anonymous NBA assistant coach

"When Jesus sees the Sadducees the Torah seize, he wheezes, 'Cheeze!'"

     * From apocryphal gospel of Dudel

"Tennessee is keen on ghees. Mississipp'ans...? Cheeze Louize."

     * Tennessee governor Bill Lee (!)

"My Uncle Mies design'd this frieze with blocks of bries and Cheeze Louize."

     * Nephew Ludwig

"Vis-a-vis these victories: cite Victor. He's for Cheeze Louize."*

     * Victor's mum 

"The world agrees that whirled peas rhymes not with 'fleece' nor 'Cheece Louice.'"*

     * P. Simon

"Ho! Xmas trees! Yo! Xmas trees! O, Xmas trees...? No: Cheeze Louize."
     
     * Sinterklaas aide Zwarte Piet 

"No, you're not 'you's. Yes, yes, you’re ‘ye’s: an antique take on 'Cheeze Louize.'"

     * Archaic archivist M. Minemist

"From 'ambergris' to 'Zuiderzee's'; cease, ABCs of Cheeze Louize!"*

     * Poetaster Poe

"King Dump": "Ubu Roi" Reimagined Yet Again

  (More to come; a work in progress.)