Alphatulence

(Who'd, too, “discov-” the virtues of
vile vapors…? You…? You’ll pay per "Φ-e-e-ew!") 

Attend my dark Apartheid Φart. 
Beφriend nigh Starvin' Artist Φart. 
John Chapman bet
(the chap’s upset!)
The Applecart -- a φart).

Because The Clara Barton Φhart 

outsmarts The Bart 'n’ Lisa Φart, 
I list, post B
(mistakenly...?),
The Dickens/Sidney Carton Φart. 
(Plus Billy Barty's
Bach'lor Party
Boursin/Brie/Havarti Φart.)

(Napoleon...? He sold out:

Little Corp'ral couldn't hold out.
So, he dol'd out one,
he roll'd out one:
The Bonapart -- a φart).

Consider Magna Carta φarts,

Commedi-”a-h-h-h” Dell' Arte φarts.
Oui, Φrench Cheφ Child
pass’d gas (though mild):
Ms. Cuisineart -- she play'd her Φart.

Dig (do!) the DART (dans Dallas...?) Φart, 

the Dumas Pere's D'Artagnan Φart. 
Sad sackbut* Poo
dealt quite a "φe-e-e-ew"
(see D'Oyly Carte: the Φart)

     * Nanki-Poo famously assumes the

disguise of a second trombone.

Encounter gorp'd Encarta φarts.

Discount your warp'd ex parte φarts.
Note: daubs o' diar-
rhea court The A-
melia Earhart Φart.

Φast-Φreeze a Φannie Φarmer Φart...?

Just Φan Φran's Φan-... (I'd Φain not start!)
But, tho' it's Greek,
it's φar φrom chic:
The Φoul Φrat P(h)arty Φart.

Get Gertie's Star (& Garter) Φart; 

vet Bess's Porgie's Goatcart Φart:
one’s "gas passé." The other...? Hey!
An avant-gardy φart.

Plus, one Go Tell The Spartans Φart 

φells sev'ral Φartin' Dubya φarts.
And (tho' we’d pass at cribbin' classics) 
yet another Get Smart Φart.

Hark, Hark: Herr Hardy Krug'ry φarts.

Indeed, mark Harden'd Art'ry φarts.
One hears Bacall
aim'd aerosol
towards hubb' Humφ Bogart's φarts.
Φor you, a Horn & Hardart Φart. 
Φor me, a Howdy, Pardner! Φart. 
(And pardon me my askin': "How's your
Hubli-Dharwar Φart...?)

I’ve let I Beg Your Pardon φarts,

met Ich Bin Ein Stuttgarter φarts,
set Ishtar φarts,
wet Invar φarts – 
yet still no I'm Impartial Φart.

The bold Jakarta Φart sets φree

ihe cold Jumpstarter Φart. Mais oui:
It's Φrench, it's mensch,
it's "exi'stench":
The John Paul Sartre Φart.

Kids kid with Kindergarten Φarts;

they've hid their Kenyon Martin Φarts. 
(This, too's, φor kids: the wrought-
by-Kulis, bought-by-
Kulaks K-Mart Φart.

Look: a Carole Lombard φart, 

see Rich the Lion-Hearted φart...
pluth thith one hath a Lithp,
Like Quentin Crithp:
The Li'nel Bart (a φart).

Mu'mmar's Islamic Martyr φarts.

Mais, More: Med'eval Chartres  φarts.
(Please, Amadeus,
pray don't spray us
with no Moldau'd Mozart φarts.)

Ma Nature knows six Noble Gases. 
Num'ro seite's when Φess* has his
Annu'l Bean Burrito Bake-Off. Φiends warn
φriends: "Play't saφe! Φlee! Take oφφ!"
Take a pass...? 
You bet your ass! 
The Not In My Back Yard! (a φart). 

     * That’s Φess Parker, who pioneer'd the

"Wild Φrontier Φart." 

Oh, One sees Objet D'Art: a Φart, 

sees O'er the Ramparts Watch'd We Φart. 
And one (a φart what's oφφ the chart:
The Oll'ver Norville Hardy Φart. 
(Or, EΦ. EΦ. Copolla's bete noir:
One Φrom The Heart (a major φart).

Please note: Ms Dolly Parton's φartin'

jolly (NOT!) Post-Partum Φarts.
Plus, steep'd in soys 'n'
sauces hoisin 
pose the Poison Darts (pair'd Φarts).

Quick! Quit that Latin Quarter Φart 

(that one's a Quadripartite φart).
Plus, when the perp's Apu,
we're dead; we're through:
The Quik-E-Mart: a Φart.

(Resolved: I stink (like Spam):

thereφore, I am
a Duelin' Descartes Φart.)

Sanction'd are Suharto's φarts,

Six street-smart Severn Darden φarts.
Of one "effluve" 
we disapprove:
The (Deadly) Silent Partner Φart.

There's (Ae!). the Highland Tartan Φart. 

Or, try that Topsy, Part II φart. 
Dean's spiel/rant/plea –
in R. sans C.*:
You're Tearin' Me: a φart! 

     * The film Rebel Without a Cause, in

which James Dean's character famously
cries to the so-called adults in the room,
"You're tearin' me apart!"

Up your's, Unruly Upstart Φart!

Voila! Your Silvie Vartan Φart. 
Your...(Why...?)...your global Wal-Mart Φart. 
Your Avis We Try Harder Φart.

X marks The X-Files' Carter Φarts...

Yes...in New Scotland Yard are φarts,
and...Zut! The Zart (in Deutsche, 'delicate'): Das
φine und φragile, φaintly φragrant,
φairly φrugal, plainly φlagrant...
φart.

&: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh...